i'm in the middle of writing up this lab report and studying for this exam that i have in the morning...

i'm tired and my head is pounding; my room is a mess and they're clothes everywhere.

i just wanted to say: as i walked outside to get my laundry, it smelled like winter. you know that smell, do you? burning wood, etc...

i'm going crazy; work is making me crazy. if you emailed, sorry, i work hard... back to word (can't make correrent sentences anymore..)

goodnight.

i had problems falling asleep last night (see previous entry), but when i did, i had this strange dream (which was bound to happen). all i remember is r-butta saying: she's unstoppable... like you know, that puff daddy video when he pretends he's tiger woods.... oh, i hope i wasn't puff daddy *chi sudders*.

listening to oasis, getting ready for class. it's been awhile since i pulled out what's the story, morning glory.... too many memories....

anyways, off to class.

i had this whole 'thing' that i wrote in the library after my exam (which i aced, by the way) and before shrek. i was going to type it in, but i just feel overcome. maybe it was the movie, maybe it was original and rich, maybe it was another friend holding hands with her newly accquired significant other, maybe it was because of what i wrote. i don't know, but i can't do this.

i can't do this relationship thing. i want the emotion; i want the feelings, but i don't want the hassle. i don't want the technical. (is this all making any sense?)

i'm not mentally correct; i'm way too screwed up. i'm so screwed up. and it just pains me that i want something that i don't seem to be able to grasp.

*sigh*

anyways, shrek was good.

i'm just going to come right out and say it: couples make me sick. i'm sorry if this offends you in any way and most of the friends that i do have are couples or are in a relationship; that's doesn't mean that i love you any less.

i just don't know what it is about umbc couples in particular... maybe all the PDAs... oh, and there are alot of PDAs, let me tell you. please. i don't want to see all that ... grabbing and whatnot... i can somewhat stand kissing, but man, the inappropriate touching just needs to stop.

there is more to this, but i don't know how i could explain it. and you wonder why i'm not in a relationship...

anyways, that was bothering me as i was walking back from class. right now (or during class), i feel very much alone and left out. it seems like i don't fit anywhere (does this sound familiar). i'm not complaining; i'm only stating what is. i suppose the thing that frustrates me the most is that i don't really know why. i just don't feel the connection with the clubs and groups of friends that i'm associated with.

blah!

did anybody see the new michael jackson video? was it me or did it looked like 'smooth criminal' updated? i liked the fact that chris tucker was all dancing and whatnot; it was cute in its own 'chis tucker' way. the cheorgraphed dancing? err... well.... anyways, i wasn't planning on watching the video (even after buttawrecka was telling me that it was coming on), i just sort of changed the channel and there it was.

as for the new star trek series, i only watched like 2 minutes of it. i wasn't liking it during the conception and i wasn't enjoying watching it. al (and i know some others out there too) tell me to give it a chance, but i don't think i'll even have the time to set aside an hour a week to watch tv, especially something that i'm not particular interested in.

and in other news, michael jordan is coming back to basketball with the wizards. now, i'm from DC (metro area) and as long as i could remember, that team couldn't win any game; it amazed me. word to the wize: michael, not even you could save this team, even if you carried it on your back. they just suck. well, we still have the UM terrapins... GO TERRAPINS!!

an hour and 15 minutes till my calc exam and then some studying in the library and top it all off with a viewing of shrek @ LH2 for $1. what a way to end a week.

(sorry for my spelling... i can't spell)

i was in the pub today getting lunch and r-butter just so happened to get behind me in the sub line, along with buttawrecka. we said hello.

and that was it. yes, no conversation. i tried, but i think he got confused. i wonder if he does talk. this is not working; i give up. i think he .... ok, i'm not going to say that. it's mean and not scientificaly proven... yet. well, that project is over; i don't think anything could progress with that. it's not my decision.

crispy says she's ok; just needs some time to herself, that's all. haven't we all been there? i understand chica, i do.

when i woke up this morning, i started thinking about last night. maybe it was all a dream, i was telling rotisserie. her and the rest of the catalysts have something up their sleeve, but i really don't want them to interfer. right now, the ball is in bbq's court; he can really do whatever he pleases and all i can do is wait.

but should i wait? that is the question.

it seems like now i'm not the one making all the decisions about things going on with me and truthfully, i enjoy that power that i am missing. i like being in control; with everything from school to my entire life. anything to do with me. it seems sort of selfish, but if you only knew what went on in mind half the time, you would get some sort of understanding of how i see things. i couldn't even try to explain it in words; i'm not really sure why i do the things i do and why i act the way i do.

*mental sigh*

i should be studying for my calc exam right now, but i'm going to out in about 15 minutes with the roommates. ah, i'll study later

it's bitter cold outside.

it was when i walking out of the library about 1/2 hour ago and bbq came chasing after me and we walked together for a little while.

earlier in the late evening, i was going to write how i felt hurt that he was talking to somebody else who just happens to be female and how 7th grade it all sounded...

i think he was flirting with me... i don't know if i'm elated or disgusted by that... but of course, i'm being cautious and playing hard to get. of course.

i have just been offered to do a conference (to present my scientific work) in WI this november. the catch is that i have to turn in an abstract (that i currently don't have) by THURSDAY. i don't know how that's going to happen or if it will. i want a free trip.

we'll see.

i think crispy is a little down; she's been like this for about a week. i don't know why. what's wrong girl? talk to me...

yes, there was a tornado @ college park. al lives near the stadium and fortunately his dorm didn't suffer all that much damage. i'm just glad that he's safe. three people died though; two students (sisters) and a firefighter. i was in lab and didn't really hear anything; my roommate who also has a brother that goes to cp got a message on her cell from her dad. we just got strong winds here.

i exercised this morning; i feel good about it. bbq is a liar; 'the gym is a waste of time,' he says, yet he goes ... alot. i have my sources... into files...

that is all for now.

ok, that was crappy writing back there....

so what's been going on? i'm tired and lonely. yes, lonely. i feel like i'm the lego piece out; i don't seem to fit in anything (clubs, classes, groups) or anywhere. i work till exhaustion to try and ignore it. i don't know what it is really; it feels like i don't have a friend that i can tell stuff and they can tell stuff to me back... wow, that sounds childish... i just sit in room: chill and eat in front of the computer.

i know i'm smart in some sense of the word. people tell me i'm smart, but i don't want/can't believe them. am i smart enough to get into graduate school? do i really have what it takes? people that started with me are already accepted to schools and leaving by the end of may, while i'm still stuck here another year.

i'm trying not to let it show; just working really hard.

found some stories on the hard drive when i was taking creative writing some semesters ago; they're horrible, but i think i'll work on them when i have time (do i ever have time?). got my gift certificate from amazon.com; was going to buy shirely bassey, the remix album or gorillaz, but now i'm thinking daft punk.

i'm really ok.... really... just tired, that's all...

what is the point to analytical chemistry? cos, i don't know...

too tired to write... sorry.

just finished some scientific papers; my brain is tired.

just more work tomorrow. i had all this stuff on my brain as i was driving back to school and i just misplaced it all. will write when i find it again.

now: sleep.

driving home was interesting.

lot of trucks driving crazy and a whole lot more planes in the sky. usually i watch the skies when i'm driving and i noticed today just all these planes. it was strange.

other stuff happened but it's too much to recall now. home makes me sleepy.

the weekend just isn't the weekend anymore; it's not the weekend that I grew to love as a child.

weekends used to be fun, sleep-in, watch tv, big breakfast time.... now weekends are just two more days that will help me try to catch up with all my classes. so when somebody says to me, 'have a good weekend', i laugh because they're never good.

where did it all go wrong?

soundtrack: aphex twin/bjork

today was a dark and rainy day. those just never go well with me; i was queasy the whole day and slept in for one of my classes.

today just wasn't a good day for me.

i've been a good girl. (about 2 weeks ago) talked to r-butter @ the first GC performance; we actually had a conversation. i'm going to try this conversation thing and see if it really works. about 2 days after that, bbq sat down next to me and talked to me, since the semester started. he was nervous and rambled and i tried not to make eye contact at all. it's been like that every since.

except for tuesday.

i just finished reading some immunology papers and was walking through the lobby towards the exit when i hear this 'psst'.

of course.

with this encounter, he was more quiet (less talking) than usual (lot of akward pauses) but lots of smiling... with teeth. he never smiles with teeth. not trying to figure out this strange behavior, i excused myself for the exit.

and i will not analyze; too much work.

anyways, first exams are coming up very soon, so i'm working on that.

i swore to myself that i would never sign up for blogger...

and here i am.

i haven't left equilibrium, but i need a place to write frequently and with ease. equilibrium is somewhere up in the air, trying to figure out a place to land. i guess that's more of my job.

anyways, i have class and then i'll figure out what i want to say.