i have gone past being mad, sad, depressed, angry or anything else.

i just don't understand anymore.

and then my computer decided that it didn't want to work, so i'm in the library now. i have an exam tomorrow that i need to study for.

it's just so many things that i feel i'm doing wrong; that's what makes suicide not so hard to realize.

i just need to work right now.

i just went out and walked the loop (the loop that goes around UMBC).

i still feel crappy, but i'm better than before.

it so sucks to be me right now.

refraining from pitching bottles and electronic items into the UMBC pond. refraining from taking off my shoe and throwing it at people.

talking to the walls.

yeah, it sucks to be me.

my friend was right; i am absolutely burnt out. before i decide not to go to any classes today (i can't miss calc; i have an exam thursday), i think i'm just going to stay on the computer til 4, go to discussion, do some problems before class and then class and sleep. if i finish my homework: yay! if not: hey, we can drop two...

i need some 'me' time.

and paintball so i can express my frustrations.

all i can do is laugh at the utterly ridiculous state my life is at right now, at this moment.

laugh between periods of trying not to break something with my bare hands.

(can you believe that i'm failing gym... HA! i'm failing EVERYTHING!!)

oh my gosh, i think i'm going to break down. i have to go study.

hahahahaha.

everytime i hear the beginning of watch your back (the headhunters) by armand van helden, it just cracks me up. i love it!

just had to say that.

it's not everyday that you fail two exams back to back, get a C on your immunology paper, break down before a-chem lab, and then run into the president of the school all in one day.

and oh what a glorious day it was.

but it's not the end of the month yet; i still have some work to do.

i have studied.

my brain is full to capacity and i'm oh so tired. i didn't do the lab report and i don't care. i'm turning it in a day late; he can kiss my *ss.

they can all kiss my *ss.

goodnight.

ok, i'm going to study for immunology tonight. i have to. i need to.

georgetown was interesting, considering the fact that i have never been to georgetown before (i'm not a going-out kind of person). the university is definetly a possibility. i was walking around with my friends and we were going: why didn't we come here for undergrad. and then you start to remember that it's about $20,000 a year and you start to remember why you're @ UMBC.

i find myself as self conscious as i was in high school. not only with my body, but with my abilities and intelligence. i know that's why i don't do alot of activities and why i act the way i do. ahhh, why did i open this box when i don't have the time to go through it?! maybe later.

now it's studytime.

i have a a-chem exam on monday with an immunology mid-term following, a a-chem lab due a couple of hours later and calc homework due tuesday.

and what am i doing right now you ask? my laundry. that's right. ... LAUNDRY!

anyways, i think i'm coming down with something; stress is causing this of course. i feel like i wanna puke. and my eye keeps on d*mn twiching! it's so annoying. i should really do some work though; get something done.

dag, i just forgot what i was going to say.

oh yeah! i'm going into DC tomorrow; visiting georgetown unversity; one of my picks for grad school. i'm gonna check it out.

ugh! the ghetto people with the loud music and whatnot are starting to line up outside my window.... i just don't understand the ghettoness..

right above my right eye is twiching and my sinuses are going crazy. it's a 'balmy' day today (which only reminds me of ian pooley's balmes and i start to convulse on the floor out of pure love for that man and his glorious music...).

anyways, moving on. i'm in the library. i had an appointment on campus this morning and i was too lazy to walk back up the hill. so, in the library, after studying for the exam that i have @ 2.30 today, i was thinking what i wanted to do with equilibrium. i know that i don't want to leave it by the wayside. maybe i'll turn it into something different. as of right now, i am nowhere near any kind of equilibrium; my world is filled with classes, exams, papers, stress, shady people, people that don't understand, and even more stress. there is turmoil.

i'm gonna need for the month to end soon.

but then the fact that i can't seem to stick with a name, a concept for more than a year bothers me and i feel like i should break that cycle. and what would i come up with anyways that would be so new? i don't have the skills and i don't have the time to learn the skills to better my web design even though some of my friends say that i should of changed my major. come on y'all, you know i suck! i wish i had at least the half the skills that marcus has.

blah. i'm just a biochem/molecular bio major trying to get out of UMBC with the little decency that i have left.

ahhhh! let me get out of here and find something to eat before i go crazy...

i had to edit the last entry because my eye was twiching so bad; i was spelling things wrong and whatnot...

did anybody see the new michael jackson (39-minute) video?

what was that?! it was like an extended version of thriller with all those dancers and dag, i mean, michael are you trying to be like eddie murphy or what? dood played like six people up in that video including the old dood; that scared me at the end cos i didn't know until they were showing how they transformed him. i have to admit though... michael can act!

michael, just make a movie next time, ok?

if there's one thing that i hate is asking random people strangers for directions; it really irks the hell out of me.

so yeah, we got lost in the city (mom got directions from crappy msn) and guess who had to ask for directions? but you know what, now i know who to ask and they will give me the right answer: cab drivers.

anyways, we got where we needed to go. i don't really want to go into 'this' business, but we did have to go to the federal building... you know what that means? metal detectors. anyways, so i'm going through after mom and the dood handing back the bags and stuff, looks me up and down (remember, i'm wearing a skirt which i hate... not the skirt, just the fact that i have to dress up) and he goes, "how you doing today?" mom turned around and was about to curse him out if i didn't push her forward. yes, mom is protective (i don't know if should say over because it's not getting on my nerves yet) and i love it. she's just showing the love!

switch to other topic: i'm a very private person. i think more that people realize. there are even stuff that not even mom knows (and somehow i tend to tell her everything eventually). and even though alot of people in my world don't know about this blog, equilibrium or even the fact that i mess around on the web, i choose not to talk about certain things. of course, i don't want to go and reveal my real identity (just yet). actually, i have been thinking about that, but then i start thinking what the parents and friends would think... that's just too much stuff that they really don't need to know about me just yet.
sometimes you just need to keeo some things to yourself.

anyways, guess who's coat is still out there? (wow, i'm asking alot of questions tonight) it's been warm lately, so i don't think he's really noticed that it's been missing or that it has been missed. anyway, somehow i have gotten myself so intrigued by that coat, that i call it mr. coat. we're currently in a relationship (hey, it's the next best thing..). yes crispy, i would smell mr. coat but i wouldn't lick him... hahaha. crispy and i are just playing around with it and whatnot: "stop touching mr. coat! he's mine" "you're standing too close to mr. coat!" it's becoming a part of the living room furniture. bbq, come pick up your coat.

right above my right eye has been twiching for about two weeks now. i don't know if it's when i get stressed or think too hard or something, but it will just start to twich. it's so annoying because it blurs the vision in that eye and i have to physically press down on it to make it stop. i don't know. it's strange.

ahh, my left eye just started twiching! wtf?!

anyways, i have an exam tomorrow and i'm tired. goodnight.

first of all.... happy birthday al! i love you man! 1/2 of the best brother duo in the world!

and happy birthday to lauren too. i don't know who you are, but you're friends must really love you cos they wrote it all over campus...

trying to figure out what to wear with this skirt (i really do hate dressing up). mom is coming to pick me up around noon and we're going to go into the city (baltimore) to take care of some business. today is the spirit rally; for some reason, ever since homecoming started (er... last year...), i've always missed the spirit rally...

anyways, i'm excited that mom is coming up; the parents never visit me at school (and i think that's why their minds run rampant with all the stuff they think i'm doing...) since i come home for church practically every weekend. i just want her to recognize and see the environment that i'm in when i'm not at home (and understand the stress and drama...).

the roommates and i want to go somewhere. philly maybe (but center city is mad expensive; the best western is like $100+ a night). or probably new york. the only problem is when we're going to go. i can do that in janurary, but will i have the money? what i really want to do is visit naj up on the west coast; it's been awhile since i've been on that side of the country.

mom asked me the other day what i wanted for christmas. i really do want a digital camera if not a nice professional (non-digital) one; i'm really into photography, but i don't have the time or money to get into it like i want to. i walk around and see things, movements that usually wouldn't catch a person's eye and i wish i could capture it and make other people see and realize them: a fist slightly flexing, the movements of arms, a glance. they all tell a story.

man, i really want a camera.

anyway... on with the day!

i love you marcus.

you don't know y'all.... marcus is the bomb... he's all that and a bag of chips ahoy...

ok, just wanted to say that before sleep.

i'm so tired.

today was just a horrible day made worse. lab took me six hours and i still didn't get any results; they had to give me some. i'm just so swamped with work, it's rediculous... and i'm starting this bad habit of skipping class... ugh, the time that i need a break and there's none in sight.

guess who's jacket is draped on my living room chair? it took us (the roommates and i) about a day and so to figure out who's jacket it was. i picked it up and smelled it (no, that's not morbid). it's bbq; he has a nice colonge...

there is more i could say about that whole 'thing', but i choose not to.

i'm going to sleep.

i've had my glasses on so long, i can hardly seen the screen without them...

i know my laptop is dying... i have three papers due tomorrow and somehow (and i don't know how, so don't ask me) I FINISHED THEM ALL!!

i wish i could say i was done, but i have an immunology paper to read... at least half of it before i go to sleep.

goodnight.

you know you can always tell how a person feels about you by the way they hug you.

somehow i have developed this attraction toward JK; not by the way he looks, but by the way he makes me feel, the way he treats me. but i don't want to misinterpret anything; why does it always have to be about somebody liking me? maybe, just maybe the affection that he shows towards me is just that of friends and not more.

anyways, so we hugged. and the way he hugs: one sholder will embrace you while the other hand he places on the side to brace himself from 'hugging' too far. i guess he doesn't feel the same way then.

but i still love his hands and what he uses them for. i pray and hope that he can use his hands again to play.

*mental sigh*

(but you know, bbq's hugs have become more close, more personal)

maybe i'm just trying too hard...

it's a parrrtay!! aww yeah!

more later

you know when you stay up all night, do you ever close your eyes and you think you're sleeping, but you not because everything around you is so vibrant? like sounds? and doesn't it happen in class too?

it's so weird. i can't even explain...

i always seem to finish up around 4... i don't know why...

anyways, today my computer decided to be difficult (it shut down by itself and then it was stuck on the dell screen). so i called the dell people.... oh, i love the dell people. this dude helped me out and then helped me out with some other problems i've been having and i can get them fixed with my extended warranty (man, i bought this laptop practically after i graduated high school).

dell has the best service in the world!!

anyways... working on some more work... work never goes away, never stops piling up, never stops, never. ever.

yay.

it's like 3 in the morning and they're picking up trash.... wtf?!

anyways, i'm pulling my 3rd all-nighter this week; finishing up this mid-term paper. for some reason i work better under pressure and early in the morning....

and with oasis.... don't forget oasis...

ok, i finish paper now...

there's nothing like hot, 1%-milk-based farina and armand van helden's breakdancers call blasting from the speakers @ 9.10 in the morning....

ahh yes, a very good morning indeed.

i know i was going to off soon, but i just have one request.... PLEASE SIGN ME GUESTBOOK!!

thank you.

i'm in the library trying to get some work done today and realizing the rest of this month is absolutely crazy: midterms, exams, exams and even more exams...

do the exams ever end?

i was almost tempted to work with bbq on the 1st floor, but you know and i know i wouldn't get any work done. so i'm on the 6th floor on the computer STILL getting no work done... no, i'm going to work... i swear, i promise...

anyways, i'm so mad i have all these exams consecutively at the end of the month... and you know that homecoming is at the end of the month.... like it really matters, but whatever... magical night of bs, that's what it is...

ok, check email, read paper, then go home and sleep. NO COMPUTER!!

peace.

since i'm up...

late night/early morning confessional:

i was going to gc last friday when i ran into bbq. of course i was in depressed funk mode and nobody knew why; i had decided that i wouldn't tell anybody. why? i don't know, but if there's one thing i do hate is when people take pity on me... cos i don't want your pity... well, that's twisted thinking, but anyways... i told him that my dad was sick and i was worried and whatnot...

so, here he is trying to 'console' me. i mean, i've known bbq for 4 years; he's not a touchy-feel-ly, 'wipe the tear from your eye' kind of guy. so imagine my surprise when he starts to rub my back... all in consolation, of course. he suggested that we meet in the library after gc so we could pray about it. i would of...

but i didn't. yes, i ditched the man; i always ditch him. it was just way too weird; would i be going for the right reasons? i mean, sh*t! my dad is sick! this is not the time be using this for your advantage.

so in the end, i think i made the right decision even though i almost had a close call as i ran back to the apartment. i am a morally good girl.

aieeeee! i'm finally done.

ok, so this paper sucks big time, eh? but i don't care because i spent most of the night working on it (oh my gosh, look at the way i'm talking... it's way too late at night/early in the morning...). i mean, it's only a draft anyways... i can fix a draft.

i'm still perky and i think if i go to sleep, i'll won't wake up in time. i think i'm going to clean my room (messy messy), prepare for today, take another pill like around six and walk to class in style...

young, i have a lab tomorrow... i wonder if i'm going to stay awake for that....

i just took a caffeine pill; it feels like i can do anything.

almost done with this paper. now i just have to type it.

this is going to be an all-nighter folks..

i have given myself a 20 minute break and i have 17 minutes left...

too many things happened this friday and over the weekend for me to get into. i saw my dad though; he's in a hospital in DC (since our doctors practice in chevy chase). he's not near death or anything, so i feel better. he's very weak though, still can't eat anything and they still don't know what's wrong with him.

i love my dad though. i really do. and i love my brothers; as soon as i got home they cheered me out of my depressive funk. i love just talking to them about stupid stuff and having timon's head in a headlock after church. i wish i could stay home and just chill with my family instead of writing scientific papers and lab reports all weekend.

i look a mess right now; one of the sleeves to my nightshirt ripped off and i'm wearing a towel. i was supposed to take a shower hours ago.

but i still have papers to write...

my back hurts. my back always starts to do something when i get extremely stressed.

i'm too tired to read the books and papers that i checked out of the library, but i'm don't want to go to sleep yet.

so i'm emailing people that i haven't emailed in months. jeez y'all, i'm so sorry. i'm still alive....

why are they loud black people outside my window on a thursday night? why do i even ask?

goodnight.

just came out of calculus (damn, this keyboard sucks... and so does the mouse...). i'm in the library trying to find some journals.

i don't feel good today; i am depressed. everything is just overwhelming me (and this keyboard isn't helping...). october is just a really bad month for me.

just called mom to tell her that i was coming home late tomorrow. i caught her just as she came home from the hospital... dad is in the hospital again. he hasn't gotten any better and the doctors don't know what to do, so they're keeping him in for observation.

i'm just so tired.

it's like almost 10 in the morning, and i'll grant that it is late in the morning (at least according to me) but .....

why are they cutting the grass?! and why is there this ghetto black man outside pumping his music and yelling across the street?! why must you act so ghetto so early in the morning?!

anyways, the extreme pains. i don't know what they were, but i laid down and went to sleep early. when i feel asleep, they went away. i woke up and missed my gym class (man, now i missed the whole week). i feel a bit better, but the pains are starting to come back a little. no, i don't want to go to UHS; piece o crap wannabe doctors.... BLAH!

ok, work..... i need to get to work.... i need to get some work done...

why am i the only one that remembered today was my dad's birthday?! even al and timon forgot; this is unbelieveable...

didn't get any work done tonight... the tv is a tool used for extreme evil to make students fail (buttawrecka, how do you have 300 channels? i want mtv2).

anyways, i have extreme pains in my jaw running through my arms and my vision is blurred.... am i having a heart attack?

i'll let you know.

i feel absolutely unmotivated today... ok, why am i lying to myself.... this whole week, i have been unmotivated. i have lapsed into my old, bad habits, from everything to skipping class to eating cheesecake (oh so bad...). i just want a break... i need a break....

i suppose i should get some work done... UGH!

i feel so bad that i only got 3/4 work done; i didn't complete anything. not very good.

really tired now... like 2 in the morning and i have class @ 9.... not very good @ all....

i was so close to buying a domain already.... so close.... i was going to press the button...

good thing i didn't... i don't got no money...

it's amazing how i let things get so out of hand...

mom called yesterday around noon; dad passed out in the kitchen and the ambulance came to get him. timon was there and saw the whole thing while mom was in a different part of the house. he came back later yesterday; they thought that maybe he has malaria, since because of his fever, it has to be viral.... but it's not malaria. they don't know what it is.

i feel guilty that i wasn't there when it happened, because it was so important for me to get back to school (al wasn't there either; he went back to school later saturday night); i'm the one that knows what to do when stuff like this happens.

of course that just made today absolutely horrible; just everything going wrong, breaking glassware in lab, having attitudes with people... (planning on ways to hurt a-chem professors...) of course, because i had decided that i wasn't going to tell anyone... but i did, finally. we prayed about it (which helped me better than just praying by myself) and i feel a whole lot better.

desipte how dad treats me sometimes and how we never seem to be happy with the relationship that we have with each other, i still love him very much. it's just that unconditional love that one can't explain.

anyways, i have massive tons of work to do... papers to write, calc homework, update the resume for an internship next semester, etc. i need to move equilibrium to it's new space and update that mess (i don't know what compelled me to pick the color green...), but i just don't have the time right now. the same for my school site; it's getting old and i actually have pictures...

another CD that i have to get: ian pooley. everytime i heard the man, i think i'm going to fall out my seat, i love him so MUCH!! definetley getting the latest of him.

i come home and dad is 'sick'. as i give him a hug, i notice the hostipal collar on his right wrist; he doesn't tell me that he went to the hospital though. mom says that his stomach was hurting alot when he got back this monday; my diagnosis: food posioning. of course the hospital didn't find anything wrong, but that's only because [medical talk] once the body realizes that it has bad food, in 1-2 it gets rid of it, but it's difficult to eat about a week because you're stomach is so sensitive. thus the pain dad is experiencing now. basically, just eat neutral foods (nothing with cultures or acidic or anything like that) and the body's plumbling should resume as normal [/medical talk]

damn! i should be a doctor!

anyways, i think i realized why i'm so screwed up.... when in doubt, look back to the parents.... yes, i have screwed up parents; they know how to hide it quite well though. i don't feel like getting into that particular issue right now however. need to get some food, write some email, install some programs, clean the bathroom and finally start on that a-chem lab report (man, i really hate that teacher!).

the moral of the day/week: shadiness endures. shadiness will endure for the rest of my time here @ umbc.

today it was said we should love our brothers and sisters as God loves us. HA! some people still have a long way to go with that. i refuse to be one of those people; i refuse to become shady just because certain people are shady with me. i'm so much better than that. it's so sad that some people are like that and they don't even realize.

anyways, i have some work to be doing before i go home (for the 1/2 weekend that i do go home); find some scientific papers for the papers that i'm writing and whatnot.

peace. have a good weekend.

i was walking from the library to original's lab so i could meet up with her and rich to go watch tomb raider.

(why does fate do this to me?)

i ran into bbq; he was coming back from a late class. he extended his arms and i fell into them; a real hug. after we parted ways, my ears and heart still tingled. (he makes me tingle; why does he make me tingle?). original and i talked about it all the way to LH2. good friends.... you guys are just good friends..., she kept on reminding me and that tingle was replaced by... nothing. it felt as if my heart had disappeared and only air flowed through. (is this what heartbreak feels like?) i couldn't breathe and it took me awhile to concentrate on the movie (which wasn't good, but wasn't bad either).

and i feel like such the fool. i'm better than this; this can't be happening to me.... why how do i let people control me so?

i'm not bitter (i don't want to be bitter), i just have a cynical view of things... and i like it that way.

talking about cynical, naj emailed me today. it's been like 2-3 months since i've heard from that chick; i need to email her back, but not right now...

now, i have to go to sleep. goodnight.

i don't understand why people kiss a** to professors; i mean... come on!

i don't like interacting with my professors; especially the ones in my major: biology and chemistry. they pretent to know you or the other way around. it annoys me. i tend to connect with the ones that probably wouldn't help me out in the long run (i.e. my precalc prof). my friends say i should take the time out and talk with them; i'm going to need letters of recommendation anyways.

this is true, but the whole thought of interacting and having a conversation..... ugh!

anyways, my room is pretty clean; cleaned it after i came back from my psych exam. it wasn't hard, but after like two weeks, i just didn't do the assigned readings; i had more important things to worry about like analytical and immunology... you know, stuff that count. i don't think i did that bad, but i didn't get a 100%.

crispy and i were talking earlier, while watching tv. they had this commercial for american flags that you could put on your car. UGH! i've been trying to post anything about increased patriotism, but my patriotism has not increased any after september 11. terrorists attacks shouldn't be the only thing that suddenly makes you proud to be an american. i still don't like america and the things that it does; why do you think people attack us?

i am NOT proud that i'm american. i still think the president is stupid and still doesn't know what he's doing; and i still have the freedom to go ahead and critize him. i can say the same about the bombings in kenya (of course from the same people); that didn't make me more proud to be kenyan. i'm not going to sit here and pretend that america is the greatest place in the planet, cos it's not. i'm not going to pretend that i have all this patriotism that i don't have. i can only be me.

anyways, my nose itches. i don't know if it's because i get exam anxiety (i usually don't), cos i was itching right before the exam, through it and now it has mysteriously stopped itching. this is odd.

i am always so pumped after a workout; i feel like i can do anything.

like kick people's a** that need kicking. most definetly.

i was working out in the gym this morning and i saw the gorillaz's clint eastwood and daft punk: ditgital love videos. awww man, i gotta get those CDs...

today is a good day.

why am i so pressed if he's so shady?

that's the question of the day.

man, it's hot outside; spent two hours chillin' in the sunshine with ash and co. i almost had heat stroke; i can only tolerate so much of sun before my blood begins to boil. now i have to finish my calc hw and study for this psych exam.

more later. there's always more later.

i'm in a good mood this early morning (even though the trash truck is picking up the trash @ this UNGODLY HOUR!!)

i think i found a place for equilibrium. yay.

i finished reading the scientific paper that i had to read for tomorrow... er... today, in one day; that's incredible...

i'm tired now; i'm going to sleep.

bout to go to the library and read some more lovely immunology papers.... is this what my life has been reduced to?

*edit*
i'm really tired. for one day, i don't want to do anything, think about anything. i just want to chill in my room and to be able to think of something other than school.

.....

hahahahaha! that's never going to happen!

goodmorning.

latenight thought:

why doesn't somebody call me and tell me that they've fallen in love with me?

explanation tomorrow. that is all.

goodnight.

*thank you rich*

today was a strange day; i don't want to say horrible even though it was really close to being just that. i failed my analytical chem exam; mostly do to the fact that the equations that he promised to have weren't on the exam. word to the wise: don't say stuff that you not going to do.

today, my ob-gym was supposed to call me back; there was something strange about my pap smear (sorry male readers) that they wanted to discuss. of course, i just didn't have the time to call them back, so in immunology, they called me. ran out of class and the lady wasn't there. kind of agitated and worried, i went back to class. after immunology, g.c., where i tried to finish my a-chem lab report and sing @ the same time (and if you're in g.c., you already know who i am). went to lab, finally decided that i should call the lady back before she left.

slightly abnormal cells, she said. no STD virus and possibly no cancer, but they still don't know why (somehow that fact didn't bother me). i have to go do another one in january. i felt a bit relieved, went back into lab and experiment decided not to work (on for me of course). finally got out of lab and then went to gym. now currently looking for scientific papers for the papers that i have to write by mid-october..

dad came back from kenya today. wee!

stuff happened this friday; instead of studying, rich and i had a talk about relationships and whatnot. helped me feel better about stuff and shadiness going on.

man, i hate recapping; i just don't have the time anymore. where did it all go?