nothing like seeing the sun rise and knowing that you wrote a crappy paper.

crappy, yes, but done nonetheless...

busy weekend this weekend. gc concert and youth day @ church all on the same day and i have rehersals for both of them tonight. taking this gateway (ewww!) home and getting my glorious laptop back.

for some odd reason, i'm really hungry. i'm usually not hungry in the mornings. weird.

anyways, have a good weekend.

just one more section to go; i think i'm gonna go take a break and watch tv for a bit. it is due at noon.

my back hurts from the stress.

maxwell brings back memories that i don't want to think about.

i really didn't want to. but i have to.

i'm pulling an all nighter.

it's ok though. i'm 2/3 done already and it's only a draft.

i'm burning the midnight oil.

today was fair.

i. i managed to get some work done (two assignments out of three ain't bad)
ii. the wizards won against the sixers (that was so unexpected)
iii. bbq gave me a really nice hug today (well... he did!)

iv. weird stuff happening in baltimore: so, the police show up at this house because they get this report that this woman shot her husband in the face. when they get there, somehow they find out that they have pot growing in... get this... pots in the basement. complete with iridescent light and irrigation water system... the works. so they take the man to the station to question him and leave him alone for 5 minutes. the dood then proceeds to hang himself with his belt and he's found dead.

mind you this all happened tonight; WTF?! that's some crazy stuff right there.

marcus got me hooked on flowerz; i have been listening to this song nonstop for two days now. i love it though. i really do.

goodnight

damn it. i forgot to press 'post and publish'. and why do i feel so depressed all of a sudden?

why do i feel so left out? of events, conversations. it's like people don't want to talk to me about stuff. or is it because i talk too much? i'm gonna do an experiment: i will not talk unless spoken to. duration: wednesday. we'll see how that goes.

damn. i was feeling happy just a couple of minutes ago.

the lesson of the day: just say no.

when things seem too good to be true, it probably is.

that is all.

i find that i'm still harboring some very painful feelings; or feelings that now have become painful. certain songs, certain things, certain words will trigger this. i just try to push beyond it... when i can. i thought i was over this... i want to be over this, but i'm not.

i have alot of work to do this week, so i'm getting on it. peace.

a thunderstorm passed through baltimore this afternoon. i mean, if it really wanted to help me out it should of cut out the power for a couple of days or something and not try to flood the apartment. blah.

rain makes me tired and sleepy. and it's weird typing on al's laptop (which just happens include an ethernet adapter thingie with its ethernet card). i miss my laptop alot; i miss my music the most (did i already mention that?).

oh my gosh. jeremy, i thought al and i were the only ones that noticed that (DJ CLUE!). dood, i know who you are, you don't have to annouce it over and over; you always know it's dj clue's song... i mean remix, by the echo voice. you need to stop the madness.

anyways, trying to get some work done without falling alseep at the desk. i just go and collaspe on the bed instead. and i need to know the i-paper that i need to read for tomorrow... can somebody PLEASE tell me?!

awww. jelly jam. heeheehee. you is a silly man. *chi giggles*

i called dell around noon and by 4pm, they came to pick her up. my baby is gone *chi tries hard not to whimper*... and she won't be back til 4-5 business days (that means next weekend). because i still have all these mad papers to write, i'm taking al's laptop with me to school. he doesn't even have the same ethernet card that i have and my music is gone.... waaa. i don't want to think about it anymore.

i got half of my calc quiz done (yay) and i still have yet to start on my papers; i couldn't do any research anyways because i don't have a umbc connection (to get into the journals and stuff).

i have to go and finish up upstair (brr! the basement is cold!)

on my daddy's vivo (why is the font so small when the screen is so big) watching x-files (it's just not the same without mulder), too tired to write (this is the second time that i started this entry). thanksgiving was good; the baltimore cousins came by. i'm actually staying home for the whole weekend; there are too many things that i have to do and go. parties and dinners and homework and quizzes.... just blah.

so, happy thanksgiving to my KFC crew and my online peeps: marcus, alison, jeremy, ger and others.

tv watching is good for the soul.

awww... heeheehee....*chi giggles like a little girl*

guess who i talked to just now? *chi giggles some more* come on, guess... *giggling*

WBZ... heeheehee.... i love me some WBZ.... the bestest...

*giggle*

tomorrow i get to go home and walk around my house BORED because i won't have anything to do.

and i'm gonna love it; you watch and see. i'll still have that calc take-home quiz, two papers and all those labs that i have to actually write into my lab notebook, but hey, not tonight, alright?

i love it!

i had great a-many things to say, but i guess i'll wait for tonight (yeah, that's right...) when i really don't have anything to do; i still have classes today. so peace till then. and a shout-out to my friends still studying for tomorrow... that should be me, but i decided not to be a victim today... hahahahaha....

for the first time in a long time, i'm actually just chillin'; doing nothing. i really should be studying for the calc quiz that i have tomorrow but i have time to do that... tomorrow. there's going to be a talk about 'What to do with a PhD in Science', which i'm going to go to later this evening.

i do plan on going to grad school (i don't think my advisor thinks i am... hmm *ugly face*) but i'm not quite sure if i want to do a PhD or my masters. i figure that i should start out with my masters though and then at that particular point in time, i can decide if i really want to do a PhD or not. There is especially alot of competition when you have your PhD, but the main reason why people fear it is because they don't want to stay behind the (lab) bench for the rest of their lives. i wouldn't mind doing that, but what i don't even find that lab position.. what do i do now? i mean this the rest of my life that i'm talking about; i don't want to sell myself short.

anyways, i get to take a 'fun' class next semester (my advisor recommended that i don't take p-chem yet... he actually ADVISED me for once!). fun pertaining to the fact that i don't have to think and that i don't have to get a good grade... that's fun for me. original said african dance... it's sounds interesting, but the class is late in the evening.. i don't know; i'm still looking into it.

i forgot to mention: while i was hard at work on my a-chem lab report, immunology paper and trying to read my i-paper all the same time (we didn't even get to the paper, which was good because i didn't really read it), WBZ left me a message on IM. weeeee. he was on campus and he was trying to visit. i tried calling his cell phone, but it wasn't on. so i missed him. awwww. i love me some WBZ; he's the bestest of the best! i haven't seen him forever.

i was going to say something more, but i think this post is quite long enough...

it's foggy outside this morning.

i sit here, listening to nightmares on wax, trying to put together my spring 2002 schedule; i'm cringing. less credits, but orgo 2, physics 2 and p. chem? ewww. can i just break down right now? trying to see if i can get a music class in there somehow; i don't really want to do work though. maybe some violin lessons or something. hahahahaha, no more a-chem lab! my afternoon is free! finally!

anyways, i'm also trying to figure out how to print this immunology paper (description of my grant proposal). my printer ran out of ink (from all those lab report and papers and etc.) and my roommate isn't awake yet. i don't know what is, but i can go to sleep @ 3am in the morning and still be able (that's the key word) to wake up @ 7-8. i try not to do it often (when i don't have a paper due.... which is never!) and i do get tired by the end of the week, but boy, i sure do get alot of work done.

gc has a concert in less that two weeks and to be really truthful to you guys, we have no songs. i know you wonder how by december 1st, we have a full concert. it's called a whole lot of improvising at the last minute; we'll learn songs in 10 minutes or less, haven't really practiced them and go out and sing em anyways. it's really ghetto, because i see it coming every semester i've been in the choir. but it always ends up blessed in the end and that's all that really matters.

battle of baltimore: you know umbc is gonna take the championship. that's all i have to say.

thanksgiving is only 2 days away; that's when i'm going to send my laptop to be serviced. it's starting to get on my last nerve.

ok. remember that thing that i said i was going to do? i didn't do it; i didn't feel like doing it anymore. i deleted the post because it was stupid.

i'm glad i stayed for crispy's surprise birthday party (do you know how long i had to keep this child away from the apartment?!). i used up my whole disposable camera; i took so many pictures. i'm so glad my mommie (heehee... love mommie!) is getting me a digital cam for christmas.

more about party later today (after sleep and class).

goodnight.

it seems on wednesday, i never get any work done. i either watch tv (in a mindless, numbless fashion) or go out driving people around and going to giant for absolutely no reason. and that is what happened tonight. i should be finishing up my calc homework, starting my a-chem lab and researching my grant propsal, when in fact all i have done is complete less than half of my homework.

i just want a break; where i don't have to worry about anything. and that's not going to happen until the end of the semester.

AGAGG!

i missed michael jackson on cbs and real world for my i-paper; i finished around 2 in the morning. everybody was talking about that concert, which only agitated me more even though i knew my i-paper back and front (and actually answered my professor's question without fumbling on my words). real world will repeat, but the concert won't. waaa.

so what am i going to do? i'm going to watch tv as i finish my calc homework and if i feel like it, i will do some research online for my grant proposal. ohh, and i have something else to do too, but i can't tell you just yet.

trying to balance my checkbook and wait for the shower. everytime i use my checkcard, i always forget to write it down. usually i'm good at keeping track. now there are discrepancies and i don't have all my receipts... all because i need to write a check for my cell phone this month.

i'm supposed to be planning something for this thursday, but nobody is really helping me out. and right now, i don't care. i don't know why i'm always the ones planning these things ALL BY MYSELF! well, i ain't doing it no more. if they want this event to happen, i need some feedback. if i don't get any, it's not happening; i just don't care anymore.

i noticed how much i've been talking about school. i'm sorry. being completely immersed in school (i live on campus), that's all that goes through my mind sometimes. especially this year, my first senior year (yes, there will be a second for me) is extremely stressful. more than last year; you can see the difference in writing.... well, sort of...

sometimes it gets to the point where i don't have time to enjoy life anymore; read people's journals, check my email (i'll forget to check it for days...), watch tv (tv? what's that?), play PS2, etc. it's a problem, but i don't know how to solve it. the more time that i find, i use to study the class(es) that i have been neglecting. i don't know; i'm still trying to figure it all out.

extra note: it's not that i hate BMWs or mercedes bens; on the contrary, i think they are fine cars. it's just how people (i.e. rap artists) perceive them to be the epitome of rich and famous. please. i don't have to own a beemer to be cool... i need me a saab though.. *chi drools*... ahh! SAAB! *falls into convulsions on the floor*

damn computer. it's crashing as i speak; i tried to run scan disk, but it won't do that either. blah. i have an exam today (it's a passer) and i have another immunology paper to read for tomorrow... oooh, i'm talking about school ain't i.... sorry...

will there ever be a day that i won't be tired?

my professors are crazy. this month is turning into a mini-hell; i have two papers due by the end of the month, one of them being a grant proposal that she wants a brief summary by next week... NEXT WEEK?! dag woman, you just told us today....

i would write something non-school related, but i just can't think right now.

goodnight.

why does the apartment look like a pig sty?!

i'm gonna need for my 'mates to clean up after themselves; i'm just so frustrated right now. my room is a mess.

i think i need a break from a-chem: clean my room, read my i-paper for this week, tell al to tape x-files for me. geez. i don't even have time to watch tv anymore.

i would type more, but i really need to get back to work.

man, it's finally the end of the week. i'm tired.

and i just found out that my stupid a-chem lab report that i only did half of (and i was going to turn it in that way) is now due monday along with the other a-chem lab report that i have to do. it's insane and i'll probably get a lower grade on the first report and drop it, but hey, now i have more time.

the dinner was interesting. dr. h is like a computer; he has a file called speeches, he opens one of these documents and beings to talk. when i started describing to naveen the talk that he gave, she was like: oh, that one...

i'm on to you dr. h...

must go and shower now.

pertaining to the last post; original made that comment. and i guess the reason why it really hit me was because after my suicide attempt, that's what my dad said to me. and it took me a long time to get over it. it's easy to say comments like that when you're outside looking in, but when it's you: when everyday you walk around with no hope, those 'stupid' thoughts become credible in your mind.

this person taking their life made me realize how thankful i am of my own. i'm thankful for my friends, my family, my intelligence: me. i am blessed; i do have hope. and i think i've been focusing so much on school that i've been forgetting about these great gifts that i have; this event helped me to refocus. life is so much more than this institution for higher learning. there are some students out there that need to realize that before they'll go out and do something that they'll regret.

after my last post, naveen and i went for a walk outside and talked. naveen and i are so similar in so many ways even though she's muslim and i'm christian. it's good to have a friend like that; that knows exactly what you're going through. i give my props and love to naveen.

so now, i'm going to dress up, go to class and then go to this dinner and endure 'the man'. he doesn't want a piece of my mind; he's just not ready.

i should really be working on my lab, but i just have to say this.

when people say that's stupid to suicide, that's a really 'stupid' thing to say. of course in the end, suicide is a stupid thing to do because there's 'always a way out', but unless you've really felt the urge or even tried to commit suicide, you don't know what that person was feeling when he did it. just because life is all hunky-dory for you, doesn't mean the whole world feels the same way. depression is a sickness, people. it's not a bad day or a bad feeling; it's a problem when you can actually conceive taking your own life.

what the stupid part is that nobody realized how depressed this person was.

that is all.

i'm excited. i actually finished my calc homework with no problems. trying to work on my a-chem lab... trying...

still have that dinner with mr. i'm-the-important-one-on-this-campus. ugh.

a UMBC student died today of a self-inflicted gun shot wound. i don't think this person was playing around with his gun and it went off accidentally, which is really sad because UMBC is really not the school to die for, even though it took me a while to realize this myself.

but i'm not surprised (that's the sad part).

i don't even know why i ask myself why they pick up the trash at this hour.... they just don't get it...

anyways, i was supposed to do some studying (of calc homework or a-chem lab), but i just got back from class and sat in front of the tv and watched real world.

i have yet to start on lab.

anyways, i just wanted to say ger, that's where i am right now. that's where i am right now.

goodnight.

ok. i'm tired.

i don't know how to get the grey bar thig-a-ma-jiggy up on there, but ... tada! i present the monthly screenshot. click for a larger view. this took me most of the day (i did go to class). right now i'm in the library chillin' for calc; i was too lazy to walk up the hill.

i'm up on the 7th floor with ghetto, loud black men (to my left) and the president running by every 20 minutes..... ooooh, i hate that man. i think there's an SGA meeting or something going on in there... (to my right).

that is all.

instead of working on my a-chem lab report, i spent the whole evening tying to put some sense in my school website; it's old and it needs a revamp, but i don't think the next version is going to come out til spring 2002. isn't that sad?

what did i get done this morning you ask? i read my i-paper while i was working out in the gym; killin' two birds with one stone, i tell ya. so now, i don't have to worry about trying to finish it tonight...

while i work on my a-chem lab report.

the roommates always forget to turn on the heat before they go to sleep; it was like 55 degrees up in here.

i did go to the gc performance yeterday; it was good.

i have a busy week this week:

cbcm meeting today
a-chem lab today (ugh!)
time management meeting tomorrow
gc practice tomorrow
dinner w/ dr. h (the president of the school; i really don't like him) thursday
calc homework due thursday
a-chem lab report due friday

a fun week indeed.

i'm waiting for my friend to call me and pick me up; we have a g.c. performance today.

i'm practically falling out of my skirt and blouse, i've lost so much weight. i lost 20lbs in three days because of stress (and gym class and the fact that i've been walking the loop out of desperation for the past couple of days).

if she doesn't come and pick me up, then i'm just going to stay and read some scientific papers and work on a-chem lab.

there is always more work to do.

just one more time, for old times sake (courtesy of mash):

You live in a House.
You're married to bbq.
You drive a SAAB.
Your car is the color black.
You live in the state philadelphia.
Your honeymoon is kenya.
Your occupation is a research scientist.
You have this many kids: 1 (0 male; 1 female).

ok. now i'm officially over him. thank you, thank you... no applause please....

so bbq and i talked tonight. i apologized for acting like a complete dork of a friend for more than a couple months. then we started talking about school and stuff. and here he goes: after i graduate, i'm going to do a music program; get back into music. and i'm like, whoa, because he's chemical engineering. i was kind of surprised. it (c-engineering) just takes up way too much of my time and i know that i don't want to go to work and do c-engineering everyday..

and it really made me think what i want to do. i mean, i love science and all, but i loved it so much before UMBC, before analytical chemistry or this stress and depression. now, it's just not fun anymore; it's actual work. i wouldn't mind doing it for the rest of my life, but why does my life have to be reduced to this (school and studying and passing and high gpa and good gre's and getting into a good grad school)? i don't even know if i want to get my PhD... which is deep cos i would like nothing better in the world than to be called Dr. my-real-name. i would like the prestige of being the first woman doctor in my entire family... but then i would also risk being overqualified for the jobs avaliable in my field (i think i'm definetly doing my masters though). i'm scared about doing something totally different; maybe because i'm not sure what i would really love to do.

mom says that i'm good with children and i should be a teacher... but that's what mom says and i don't love children that much.

anyways, i'm still thinking and praying about what i should do. i give much props to bbq though for following his dream... (damn! chemical engineering y'all..)

things are better now. i just talked with bbq and things between us is... okay. and i'm happy with okay because i'm happy where i'm at right now.

and my computer decided to start working again; i don't know why it keeps on acting weird.

anyways, i still have to study like no tomorrow even though my hell month is over; i think everything is almost under control.

right now, i need to relax.