the last entry of the new year.

i feel ... i don't know. last spring semester was crap; easy crap classes and just doing nothing. summer was an eye-opener; philadelphia introduced me to new people, new places and a person that i can become if i try hard enough. of course, i didn't bring that back with me to maryland. this fall semester started off bad and went downhill from there.

so what did i learn this year of 2001:

friends are a true Godsend.
family is essential, even if not by blood.
people older than you can be wrong and you can correct them. (because you're right)
i can live with people who aren't like me.
it's ok just to act a fool.
if you feel like dancing, dance where you are. (also applies to screaming, throwing and etc)
i do NOT need a man.
don't wait for anything or anyone. just do it.

thanks 2001, for the fun and the crap.... and the crap ... and the more crap that i had to go through. there has to be a light at the end of the tunnel. right?
resolutions tomorrow... i really don't believe in them, but i figure there's a first time...

it's mad cold outside. bitter. freezing.

my room is the only one in the house that's cold; the heat never reaches the expanse of my room before escaping magically through the window right next to the vent. (they really built this house great!). i guess that could be an obvious reason to why i haven't been getting any sleep, but of course, it's not. it's something else. something that i haven't figured out yet. it doesn't bother me as much as it should.

watched finding forrester tonight. the movie was good and long. and interesting. watching west side story now, thinking that i should just go to sleep after the 'mambo' scene. (do you think that they would all know the mambo in an inner city high school?).

so i press the 'publish' button, close the window, shut down the computer, walk upstairs to my frigid room and read until my eyelids grow heavy, only to toss and turn for an hour and 1/2 before i reach the land of REM sleep. goodnight.

i've been fiddling with templates most of the evening; can't really find anything. i picked up my pictures today; what i thought were crispy's party ended up to be philly pics. i have this wonderful one of this saab that i saw in center city. it's the best picture that i've ever taken. maybe when i'm not too lazy i'll show it to you.

lost my book: shopgirl by steve matin. it's actually kinda good. it's somewhere in this house... i just don't know where yet.

have other problems. can't sleep. but i'll leave that for a later entry.

i apologize in advance if this entry doesn't 'flow'; it's just random stuff in my head right now.

1. mom says that i spend way too much time on my computer. and i do. i love my computer; i enjoy exploring the internet. i like creating words and projects. naveen once said that when i'm on my computer, i seem to be in my natural element. i don't know. maybe.

2. you know you have a true friend when they cry with you. they love you.

3. my house is fragmented right now; everybody is doing their own thing. it disturbs me and i want to leave the house.

4. ani (from high school) emailed me about the party. i haven't seen him in forever, but i feel indifferent about him coming. i don't know. he doesn't really fit with the other groups of friends that i have. for some reason, alot of friends cannot get along with each other. it's funny to me. so i'm self-conscious about 'mixing and matching'. i don't know if i should tell him not to come (by lying) or just letting him come.

5. i haven't told dad about my school bill yet ($4,430). i should (since it came in about a week ago), but i don't know how to bring it up. and he ever seems to talk about is how much money he spent on al's glasses and my (al's) car, etc. arg!

6. i got a letter from UMBC inviting me to apply to this masters program for applied molecular bio. i would just have to spend an extra year and put off my graduation to 2004. it's a possibility that i'm looking into since my gpa sucks and i'm already at UMBC (even though i hate the place).

7. i'm becoming more and more of a mother figure in my house. i clean, i yell at the brothers, i cook, i run errands. usually, mom is the one to worry about what we're having for dinner or how clean the house is, but since... i don't know where she is right now... she doesn't really bother anymore. so now it's me. i don't know if i can deal with that kind of pressure. i'm not strong like that.

8. i don't like shopping all that much, which i suppose only make me more of an unusual girl/woman. i just don't.. i don't know why. i don't bye clothes that i don't need, but i do buy electronics that i probably don't need. isn't that a good thing somehow?

9. i need to go back to the gym this month (january). i hate what i see in the mirror; i hate what i see in the pictures. i want to change myself so badly. it doesn't help that i have this uncanny ability to look the same over the years (to the point where people from kindergarden still remember me). other the fact that i appear (and probably look) younger than i really am, i want to change. people just don't understand who am i. i don't know if that's my fault or theirs.

10. i hate how people say that i need somebody; a man. ha. i don't think so. i know that i need me more than i need anybody else.

ah. there. my mind is clear and i feel a whole lot more better.

i sit with afro puffs a-flyin', while my brothers play final fantasy X; it's a good game, if i only had enough time to play RPGs.

i got the sony discman that i picked out at best buy for christmas. i enjoy listening to oasis while shaking the crap out of it (G protection baby). radio shack is still out of the mp3 player that i'm planning to get myself. the digital camera i will get after january. blah, blah, blah.

things that i want to talk about but i just can't find the right order of words.

i'll be back when i find them.

al, my brother, and i have a pure love-hate relationship. either we're totally getting along (most of the time) or we're viciously fighting (like we were about 2 minutes ago).

anyways, al, his roommate and i went last minute christmas shopping. as we were driving to target, we started talking about guys and girls and dating. it was hilarious; i usually never talk about dudes with other dudes, especially al. went shopping though. got stuff for the parents and the little brother. saw alot of people from church.

so i'm having a party for new years; nothing big. nothing fancy. just people who were going to do nothing at home coming over so we can all do nothing together.

yay.

merry christmas everyone.

so we went to pentagon city to do some last minute shopping. i personally didn't get anything, but timon got himself another pair of jeans. mom doesn't understand; why does he need so many clothes? he's a popular man...

we decided to take the metro. it's been a couple of years since i took my last train. you ever notice how most movies that take place in urban settings, there is always a train scene? that's what i was thinking about going there. when we were coming back, we helped this guy coming from (regan) national and got on the train coming back home. there was this other guy sitting next to the window on the other side of the open doors. we caught each other's eyes and i looked away.

so many choices i could of made. sit down and start a conversation. get a phone number. etc. of course, you know me.... i didn't do any of those things. he was really cute... or maybe my hormones are just raging...

anyways, now i'm talking to crispy and jam on IM; i love jam so much (i think i have already mentioned that already though). it's a strange situation.

please excuse my hormones.

i'm bored and tired. i need to go out tomorrow and find some books to buy and read. i'm too afraid to go to the public library since i have that large fine that i never paid since i graduated from high school. i was trying to avoid buying books too early so i wouldn't have the 'read-all-the-books-that-i-bought-today-today' phenomena.

my hair itches like mad; i need to wash it. *chi itches at the scalp*

i'm seem to be stuck in some strange funk. i can't describe it, it's that strange.

maybe some sleep will help it.

i'm cranky and irritable because it's way too early in the morning and it's that time of month.

(and nobody cares... so moving on...)

i had this strange dream last night. i was at school and there was something wrong with the water. so. i was in the bathroom and all these ladies came in drenched. so i'm asking them what's going on, why is everybody so wet. and all they can seem to comment on is the fact that the water tasted so bitter. and that's when mom woke me up. the dream made absolutely no sense. maybe because the water heater in our house broke (and the water is ice cold). i don't know.

i hope you're having a better morning than i am.

my brother al, goes out to withdraw money for a meeting with his ex @ union station (probably going to eat in DC) and my other brother, timon, decides which new years party he wants to go to, while i sit in the house wondering what the hell is going on... when did my brothers ever become the social butterflies? sike-a-boo.

i could go out if i wanted to (cos i'm bored out of my mind!); i just don't have the motivation. will this lack of motivation hinder my plans this winter break from leaving the state of maryland? we'll see.

i hate how people stare; it's like they've never seen a girl with cornrows before. i swear, this summer, i am cutting my hair.

ugh! and then people can't drive either!

home sweet home.

if there isn't one thing that i hate is being disrespected; especially in my own house.

so there's this dude that used to live with us (for about six freakin' months). he never got along with my mother, timon hated his guts and the dude hated my cat. now, he's moved out and he comes over from time to time; he came last night. so, al, timon and i were chillin' in the living room and here comes this dude: you don't even say hi to me... blah, blah, blah... it took me alot not to curse the man out right in front of my dad. when you don't show me any respect and especially when you don't show my family respect, i ain't going to give you any.

he's a horrible influence on my dad. the same things that happened between him and his family is starting to happen to us. that's why he's working here in DC and his family is in jersey. he's crude and just plain stupid; he obviously does things that don't make any sense. i have never hated a person as much as i hate him. i know dad is so much smarter than that man could ever be. i don't know how to tell him, but i sure hope that he finds out before it's too late.

i actually thought that i was going to have a decent time at home; even though i'm staying for christmas week instead of the whole month of january.

it's just too many things to get into; too many things going wrong instead of right. and i'm caught right in the middle; i have to be the strong one for everyone. i'm the one that has to bring order to the disorder around me, ignoring the disorder going on inside of me. i grit my teeth and do it, despite the urge to breakdown.

it's the worst vicious cycle that i have ever gotten myself into.

anyways, i'm still trying to think of ideas for redoing my school site. i had something earlier this semester (you know you're a college student when you measure time by semesters and breaks), but i didn't like it. anybody have any ideas? something nice and simple. i want to put my resume and some pictures up. any ideas are welcome.

it seems that everybody that i know has the misconception that i am a strong person. i don't know. i suppose it's just the way i look: the strong, robust black woman.

well, friends, i would like to bunk that myth... in fact, i am NOT a strong person. i cannot take all this stress. i cannot do everything at once. i cannot hold the weight of the world on my sholders. i get freaking depressed people; i have been through depression.

why does everybody think that i'm the typical black woman, capable of handling anything or anyone that comes within her path? i hate when people make assumptions.

it just goes to show how much you really know about me.

it's finally over.

that immunology final took me three hours, but it's finally over. i got a 83 on my grant proposal; not really what i wanted, but it was explained. she crossed out the 10 points that she was going to give me and gave me 5 instead. sike-a-boo. i hold that grant proposal deal to my heart because i hope someday i could make it come true.

got a 100 on my a-chem lab notebook (all that glue did go to something) and a 83 on the lab final. still missing some papers though that i really want to see (so i can calculate my grade myself; never trust the professors); i'm gonna harass him when he gets back from europe.

anyways, now it's just a sense of relief that it's all over and now i can go home and relax.

mucho shoutout to onye: thank you for the words of encouragement. i really needed it.

even though there are alot of messed up things going on right now, i just wanna thank God for the C that i got in a-chem; the one before the one with the cutoff. oh, you don't even know how grateful i am... how hard i worked in that class... that just made my morning.

and i just have one more and i can leave this place for awhile.

goodmorning.

i knew it was going to happen, i just didn't know when: i'm off the 'happy' high.

*sigh*

i didn't go the christmas party tonight (even though it sounds like they really didn't do anything), yet i really didn't study for immunology (i only watched outbreak once). to replace the happy-go-lucky feeling is the feeling of being misunderstood. it feels like people don't really know who i am and they just make these assumptions. and sometimes the things that people say about me really hurts. and i wish i could be different; i'm tired of being like this. and then i always tell myself that i'm going to change and i never do. if there isn't one thing that i don't hate, it's failure. and i fail everytime.

arg. i need to go to sleep.

ever since finals started, the weather turned from 70s to 40-50 degree weather; it's dark and dreary outside. it's too strange to be a coincidence... nature truly does feel my pain...

the ACS final was 'special'. i almost didn't wake up this morning; half the class was asleep by the time original and i got there. then here comes the professor: he had this horrible attitude or something.. first of all, i don't know why he pushed the exam so early in the morning... just to catch his precious flight to europe. and what made it even more annoying was his pacing back and forth between the tables. he's a horrible teacher because that exam (state exam) was absolutely foreign.

anyways, i'm going home for a day, studying like a mad woman (because immunology is important ... and the final is 1/4 my grade), maybe go to a party. we'll see how this weekend turns out. you have a good weekend though.

one final down, two more to go. not really studying for ACS; why bother? all i need to know is: when in doubt, always pick C.

it's always around finals time that my eating habits go straight down the tube. for example, right now, i'm eating ben and jerry's phish food; a yucky combination of chocolate ice cream, gooey marshmallow, caramel swirl (a whole lot of it) and fudge fish. i think i'm going to be sick just talking about it, but i'm eating it anyways. and after that i'm going to eat my monkey bread. oooooooooooh yeah!

i wish i could take a picture and show you guys the disaster that my room has become; it's really so unneccesary and i'm quite ashamed of myself.

ok. now i must go and run around the apartment like a crazy woman. goodbye.

why does the book that i bought brand new @ $120 now only costs $12; you gotta be out of your mind.

i'm taking a break from studying for my first final, tomorrow @ 6pm. it feels like my scalp has lumps (random song: she's lump! she's lump! she's lump! she's in my head...; aww, i'm getting that song now). my room is in a random mess; stuff is just everywhere. i have decided that i really want an mp3 player more than a cd player (can you believe that i've never had a cd player... that's like not having VHS); i have more songs on my computer than cds that i own anyways.trying not to stay up too late tonight; i ended up waking up around noon (just in time for my tutoring session), missing a showing of outbreak. now i need to go rent the movie (i need to watch it for my immunology final).

that is the world of chi right now; can't wait for the end of finals. goodnight.

when jam and i talk, we talk like we're old friends with a relationship more developed than what is should be. i can talk to him about practically anything without feigning embarrassment. he's a good man; i feel bad that i didn't share the same feelings that he had (has?) for me. but just talking with him makes it just a little better.

the hair is done; my scalp is in pain. i have to actually study today, so i am going to go to sleep. goodnight.

i'm at phase two of taking out my braids; taking out the knots... ouch! my scalp is going numb, so we (crispy and i) are taking a break.

stupid paint shop pro; gah! still must fiddle with screenshot; don't click the button please. i'm embarrased.

more later hopefully.

after my psych exam today (it only took me 1/2 hour for 50 multiple choice questions...), i hung out with ash, running errands with her. we hardly hang out anymore since she's finishing up her biology courses and i, my biochem courses. she updated me on her hangups with various men on campus. i don't know if she realizes this, but ash has this naturally uncontrolled sexual energy; she can't help that she catches the eye of men. it's hilarious watching it work though; especially at the post office.

i also just realized what a good friend she is; the only reason why she came to the GC concert was because of me. i was very deeply flattered. we talked about the concert and ash's dislike of bbq's current companion. ash also mentioned how she talked to bbq's dad at the concert (i didn't get a chance to meet him). bbq talks about his dad alot; he visits bbq monthly at school, even though we (bbq and i) live 30 minutes away from school.

i've known bbq for 4 years now and i don't know if he has a mother or not. is she dead? did she leave? bbq's mother is shrouded in a cloud of bbq's uncharacteristic avoidance of the subject. ok, so i never asked about his mother. i just assumed. but now as i try to think of the questions that i could ask him, want to ask him, i am stopped by the fear that maybe this isn't ground that i should tread on. how will he act? what will he say? i don't know what i should do.

anyways, just came back from my last class; it's the end of classes for the semester for me. crispy is gonna help me take out these braids, so i must go. new screenshot for the month of december; it took me awhile to fiddle with the dimensions. goodnight.

if somebody were to ask me how i was today, i would reply: ok. tired but ok.

not depressed, not angry, not worthless. for the past couple of days, there has been no drama going on in my life. and from a person where drama sticks to you like crazy glue, that's an amazing feat. it feels good for once; i don't really have to worry about anything.

today is the last day of classes. i never thought this day would come. i only have three finals, one of them being the ACS (Analytical something or other; it's a state exam).i have a psych exam today; i'm prepared for that.

anyways, just wanted to let you know. i am feeling good today.

i'm sitting in my dorm room. just sitting. crispy and mr. blackplanet are watching tv. i don't want to disturb them; they look comfortable, with his arm draped over her sholders.

they say i'm hopeless,
like a penny with a hole in it.
they say i'm no less,
been up to my head in it.

it's raining outside and i'm at home balancing my check book. dad needs to change the oil on the car and i don't really have anything pressing to do at school; and that is why i am here.

just six more days of school left (minus the weekends). had papers, exams, quizzes and realizations this past week. don't feel like talking about it, but things are better now. i can manage with stuff now. i have really good friends (thanks DC).

i slept today. like for 7 hours; i don't know if i'm going to sleep tonight... with nothing to do anyways. don't feel like studying either.

my glorious computer is back. dell really did a good job; anything that was broken, they fixed. they even replaced the palm rest and cover that was cracked. the only thing that bothers me though is that they looked through my personal files; they didn't even bother to erase the documents menu (which i did bother to do). eh. whatever.

sike-a-boo.

never.

i will never get married.
i will never give birth to children.
i will never drive a geo metro.

and i'm pretty content with that.

i woke up this morning tired; didn't sleep as well as i wanted. the person i was trying to avoid by going to the library was at the library.. ugh!

i went to the rac and my friend was working the desk; guess who was also there in the weight room? (i think God is chuckling at my own expense) i get that absolutely sick feeling in my stomach again, still tired, as i walk to my class. did the machines with two of my friends; talking and laughing made 40 minutes pass quickly. picked up friend working the desk and ate at the pub. laughing and talking, walked back towards the dorms. ran into DC... i love me some DC... he always makes me smile. walked up the hill to the apartments; original and rich coming back from UM Medical. jumped on his car and yelled at the window: 'can i wash your windows?! i'll use my spit!' hahahaha. that was funny. ran up to apartment and proceeded to act like complete fools with crispy as we laughed, danced and jumped around to gogo music.

it was a good morning.

sudden realizations are making me sick to my stomach and even more depressed. ugh.

i have an exam wednesday, two quizzes thursday, and exam and grant proposal due friday. eww.

i'm going to go to the library and study.

i feel tired. not physically tired, just feel like it.

gc concert was last night; it was ok. we've done better. the highlight of the evening though was when the little boy (he was like 10) sang a scene with mrs. j, in the opera she's in. he was absolutely adorable. if i ever have a child, he gonna have some opera training... mos def...

i was little depressed after the concert and this morning for reasons that even i don't know. sometimes i just don't know what to do with myself; i want to throw things and hit people and scream but i just end up sitting alone in my room staring at the wall. blah. anyways, i'm finishing up some work now; a-chem lab and i have to critique a grant proposal for tomorrow.

i'm still typing on this gateway laptop (ewww; it was free gift to my bro from the school.... he's that smart y'all); apparently, they (airborne "*&%$@!" express) tried to deliver my computer on a weekday morning (when nobody was there) and they said that they were going to come back on monday morning (when nobody would be home) to try again. i was going to pick it up saturday before i came back to school (cos apparently i was bothering them with my simple requests to deliver in the evening than they were me....), but they closed @ 2.30.... who they heck closes @ 2.30... could we at least make it an even hour or something. argh! so i'm stuck again with my computer, without my music for yet another week.

guess wha? crispy is on a date! right now as i type... yes, i can't believe it myself. she went to go see a movie with this guy that she met off blackplanet...don't even get me started...