i think i'm coming down with something; my throat hurts and it's painful to swallow. truthfully, i haven't been eating, only because i keep on getting sick to my stomach. i don't know why. i'm tired and i would go to sleep, but mom said that she was going to call when she got back from class (i can't believe that she went to class...); something important.

even though my birthday is tomorrow, i just don't feel the euporia of turning 22. it's a palindrome; yay.

i'm done.

to add upon the mental breakdown that i'm having, mom just called; her dad died at home (kenya). so she's at home (here) making travel plans. i have to give her the illusion that everything else is ok.

i have to go to class.

i'm having a hard time trying to keep positive with all the negative around me. but i'm trying; i'm not going to do anything stupid, i promise.

i didn't get back from ash's till 4 in the morning. i seriously needed to get off campus before i bit several people's heads off. now, i have calmed down. we watched swordfish (i really liked the explosions; it was deep... the explosions, that is) and then we talked about how ghetto we all were.

i got up today around nine and had class and work all day. i'm tired, but i still have african dance left to go. i don't know it i really want to do the class, but i heard that it's easy and i don't have to buy any books, so i'm down. all my four years here and i have never really taken an african american course, be it history or dance. i don't know why; i guess i was just too busy.
anyways, after class, they're opening up the caberet and J.S. are singing (instead of GC), so i'm going to go see that after class.

later y'all.

making this quick cos the shower is running.

this goes out to all you jackass wanna be friends that ignore me: wtf? i'm tired of being nice to y'all anymore.

now that that's out of the way. i'm going to take a shower, study and then go to ash's place and hangout.

peace.

the screen is blurry, but i'm gonna try this without the glasses.

the first day was a good day i suppose. or ended up that way. went to my classes that finished by one and hung out with a friend of mine for about 6 hours straight after. we went to the commons grand opening first. our money was well spent, i have to say, but i don't know about the multiple plasma tvs and whatnot. i like the windows which give a great view of the campus. and we actually have a resturant now.
i was avoiding the commons because i knew that the place would be teeming with people that i just didn't want to see. and of course, we run into JK, who blatantly gave me the brush off. i don't know if he's nervous around me or what, but i left it alone. went to go sign up for tutors; practically running out after i saw bbq all the way on the other side.
ran into the same friend again, both went to the scholars office, ran into some friends outside (and also was snobbed by r-butter; he's an ass) and then back to the commons to hang out with some of her friends. as we proceeded to move to the new gameroom, God decided to throw a banana peel in my day. i mumbled to myself, why is God laughing... why is God laughing... as bbq approached. he hugged me and we exchanged plesantries. the whole encounter just left me... hurt and confused and angry.. again. to which i proceeded to finally leave my friend, grab crispy and head to the library to study physics. when in doubt, pull the physics book out... we studied... and then acted like complete fools all the way back to the apartment. you can all kiss my butt cos this butt has no class tomorrow...

i don't know how to deal with these situations at all; i have no plan of action. i need a plan. i have to have a plan. i cannot run away (incognegro); it just won't work on this small campus. but i'm not ready to deal with this stuff yet.

so. yes, i don't have any class tomorrow. at all. i would have orgo lab, but we're not meeting tomorrow...er...today. i plan to make the most of my time however by studying some more physics, some orgo chem and exercising to exhaustion. goodnight.

classes start today and for some reason, i'm violently ill. woke up 4 in the morning just sick to my stomach. i don't know what it is; depression taking other forms maybe.

anyways, the weekend was good. celebrated timon's birthday by going out to mongolian grill in bethesda. eight years my junior, timon's birthday marks a week before my own. turning 22 is not as exciting as i thought it was going to be. i don't know; i'll see if people even remember my birthday at all.

i'm trying to get out this depressive rut; really, i am.

anyways, after that deep post...

i'm going to my cousin's house today, spend the night and get my hair braided tomorrow. yay. so, have a nice weekend y'all. i'm packing.

peace.

soundtrack: erykah badu: didn't cha know

mom says: don't talk too much... you know what i mean... you might forget what you say....

like there's an easier way to say it; she doesn't want me to spread the family business. and i don't; not even here. that is why i turned down _____ offer to talk to somebody at the counseling center. even since i've been little, i have been taught not to talk to anybody; keep it in the family (but not the extended family) ... don't let them know how dysfuctional we are.

so it's hard for me to talk about problems to other people, let alone my own family, when somewhere in me i believe i can solve it all on my own. that's why i don't get tutors, i don't talk to the teacher and i study by myself. i don't know. i'm trying to open myself up, but right now, with friends like these, i find myself reverting.

i know that there are some things though that nobody will ever know. not even me.

i love ani; for some reason, that boy will get me to spill about anything. i told him about everything that was going on and he listened. he understood; exactly the sort of friend that i need, especially right now.

thank you ani.

for some reason, i'm in a sour mood. people are getting on my nerves and i seem to be procrastinating on everything. so i have locked myself in my room and refuse to speak to anyone. i need to organize myself and my time; i'm such a mess. i told the bookstore that i would be continuing working into the semester; two jobs and 12 credits. not bad, except my gpa sucks beans. meeting with the scholars program to beg them not to kick me out.

i don't know what to do. my friend suggested that since i'm into computers alot that i should get a masters in information systems; it's a possibility that i didn't even bother to think about. maybe i could do that, get a masters in molecular bio and if i want to, do my PhD. like my other friend said: the sky's the limit...

so other than feeling like absolute crap, procrastinating and whatnot.... my half-nail fell off today. i was stacking books and a book fell on my finger. when i took the band-aid off, the nail came along with it. yay. it's still kind of sore (i can't type with it), but i'm glad that it finally came off; it's been getting on my nerves.

i'm frustrated. about alot of things. i could list them off, but why bother.

i'm just sitting here with no clue what to do and with so many things to do in the first place.

well. i have to go and do... something...

mom drives me crazy; always complaining about my hair, my clothes, the things that i do, if i sweat when i exercise, etc. i almost forget that i'm 21. ugh. i need to get out of this house...

today, i went out with a friend to buy some wigs; unfortunately, she's losing her hair. it was fun though. even though i was just there to give advice, the next thing i knew, i started trying wigs myself. i look really good in highlights and lighter hair. stuff i could never do with my real hair anyways...

i should do something with my hair tomorrow, but it might snow tonight. anyways, i'm tired. goodnight.

you know, everytime duke plays maryland, we always seem to get these wack refs... (they fouled my boy out!)

the game was just pain to watch.

i go to sleep a sad woman.

soundtrack: dido: hunter fertile ground: be natural

the last person that i wanted to see before the semester started; i ran into bbq, first when i was taking a lunch break and then in the weight room in the gym. geez, i swear God is just chuckling up there because all day, all i could think about was how many things bbq and i used to do... alot; lunch, study, hang out. blah. conversation wasn't all that stimulating; he kept on avoiding mentioning his girlfriend (which i could tell, was why he was so happy) which he must of spent his time with during the holidays. blah. i felt embarrased though that i didn't invite him to the new year's party (cos i could of, but i chickened out) because he found out about it. i made the excuse that it was last minute and how it was all jam's idea. blah; i don't think it worked.

so i just came back up and i mention to original that he said hello, to which original replied: 'awww, he's so happy.' like i couldn't make him happy and he finally found it somewhere else. and what about my happiness? i'm not happy now.

at least i'm not buffy.

right now, talking about guys is senseless talk; i can't be in the same room when it's going on. relationships, dating and everything lumped inbetween, and i are like oil and water: we do not mix at all. that's why it's easy for me to say that i won't get married or give birth to a child; i have never been on a date and B. just ruined all my delusions about it. which only goes back to the question that i will be forever asking: why do you need a siginificant other to happy? i have to find a plan of escape for valentine's day; i cannot refuse to be on this campus.

i refuse to be seen this semester, but i don't know how i'm going to do that either. people and i are not mixing so well right now; i'm spending more and more of my time by myself. anyways, my train of thought has been taken away, so i'll be back later. peace.

just not right now, ok?

i'm upset that my friends don't trust me enough to tell me anything. and it seems to be a growing trend. that's all i can say right now before spewing words that don't make sense... i have to 'marinate' on it some more...

what is it? i grew up with these people... i don't understand. is it that i'm naive? the highlight of my day is almost chopping my finger off or failing a class while my friend gets pregnant, drops school, has a baby and never calls me. am i unschooled? do i know nothing of life? am i sheltered? just because i don't smoke (weed), drink, have sex, have a relationship and leave my room spic-n-span? well, f*ck, they still don't know about equilibrium or this...

ARG! i'm upset.

well motherf*ck! which one of my other friends is going to get pregnant, have child and NOT TELL ME?! (can you tell, this has happened more than once...) what?! am i the antithesis of having child?! i just don't understand... i just found out, no, she didn't tell me and i don't want to talk about it right now. i'm upset.

anyways, i took this little test and it says:

Your average life span is: 90 years old
You were born on Friday, February 01, 1980.
You have lived 8,019 days and have 24,831 days left to live.
You should die on Thursday January 09, 2070 at 11:20:57 PM.

i'm thinking:
1. damn, 8,019 days?!
2. damn, i'm gonna die in winter?
3. damn, i'm gonna die @ night?
4. 2070?!

should i be happy, sad, what? blah. missing real world... don't care, catch it later. agagaggg. i'm upset.

aieeeee! guess what y'all? crispy is here! she had some buziness to take care of at school today. and she braided my hair. awww, thanks girl... i thought i was gonna die with the fro that everybody couldn't keep their hands off.

jam came over a while ago, to said hi to crispy. it was awkward because, in our relationship, he knows where i stand and i know where he stands, but things still happen. i'm not mad or frustrated because that's the way that he feels and i accept it. it's just that i feel bad because i don't feel the same way. trust me, i tried. i don't. i still love him though.

ahh! and then av came by the bookstore today. it's just so obivious that i keep myself away; i don't accept it. i guess it's because the way i found out; in a 'stalker' type of way... i did not enjoy that period of time and it's left our friendship in a strange place. i want to be his friend, but some of the things that he does sometimes are just too much for me to handle, so i keep my distance.

blah! i do hate the drama!

i'm too sore to go to the gym today; doesn't matter though: i was running all over campus and lifting books today. isn't that enough?

so let's make this one quick cos i got the shower running.

ended up going to the rac with original and husband rich in tow. had a good workout; even played some basketball (which i'm horrible at). came back to apartment, tried to find something on tv and reminiced how bbq and i spent alot of time together just doing nothing (what the hell happened?). chatted a bit on the computer (i love you jam; you're the greatest) and now will take a shower and go to bed.

goodnight.

jam is busy and i'm gonna walk the loop. i did taebo anyway...

so i didn't go to the performance today; i felt that i had other things to take care of (which i did) that deal in a personal nature.

ugh! my hair! mom straightened it friday night for church and kind of left me hanging for the rest of the week. right now, it's kind of looking.... bad. i did taebo this morning and it's frizzy. so frizzy that i can't wear it down but it's took big to be held up. there's nobody on campus now that can just do simple cornrows, so i'm stuck with a wild mass of hair.... agagagggg. mom wants me to relax the fro, but it's not going to happen. my hair is the healthiest (damn, i can't spell) it's been ever and you think i'm just going to add some chemical that will destroy all that? it doesn't help that my hair is 'straight-from-the-motherland' hair; somedays, i don't even bother to attempt to comb it. but i love my afro and i'm damn proud of it.

anyways, what is up with that brandi video? i mean, sure and more power to her, go ahead and act hard, but... something's just not right...

and real world... mtv does this on purpose right? i'm almost afraid to watch.

but what do i know. i'm bored and waiting for jam so we can go to the gym. peace.

i'm still typing with nine fingers; the half-nail turns more purple by the day. sike-a-boo.

anyways, today, timon, al and i went to best buy and others on rockville pike (i was looking for that black eyed peas cd that got stolen from ash about two years ago). so timon goes and gets whatever and al goes and does whatever and i *start* to walk towards the digital camera section when who should i see but another old high school acquaintance. ugh. not somebody that i really wanted to see at all. of all people, B.

yes, the one and only, low-life, piece of crap, motherf*cker, etc, etc, etc. and he works there too. i did my best just to avoid any type of confrontation (and it seems that he was edging himself closer). even though it's been like 2-3 years since i've allowed myself to listen to his bullshit, i was not ready to bump into him like that. i found this encounter quite odd since last thursday, i pulled out old entries from 1999 and saw how i took him back, over and over and over again.

blah.

anyways, i have bills to pay and no money to pay them with. cell phone bill ate my bryn mawr money that i got back (and i have now changed my plan). and this paycheck that i'm getting this week will be eaten by my credit card bill from christmas. and i haven't even bought my books yet. sike-a-boo. i still want to get my mp3 player and hopefully before i go to las vegas this spring break, my digital camera. i don't know; we'll see.

choir performance tomorrow @ NIH. yay.

lookie. i added new links; friends and people that i read. more to come, cos i sure do read alot.

i should be working on my school site instead of this one. but i'm lazy. blah. i'm planning all the shows that i'm going to watch since i'll be staying up late tonight.

oooooohhhhh yeah.

yay. no work tomorrow. i can finally sleep in. have a choir rehersal later tomorrow; free lunch are the key words...

anyways, so me and this guy that working there for the winter (he goes to CP but lives near UMBC) starting talking about our senior years in high school and whatnot. i told him how i had this great internship... hell, with NIH. and now i'm think: damn, what the hell happened? my gpa sucks to the point where i don't think i'm going to get an internship this summer. it's depressing because i came from this great opportunity and it seems like all i've done is screw up my grades. i swear, the only way that i can get an internship (and the only way that i got that GSK job) is because of the fact that i've worked at NIH; i have experience. i mean that's great and all, but how far is that really going to carry me?

agg! depressing! hopefully, i'll get an internship tho. however, NIH is a faraway dream. sike-a-boo.

you know, i really do enjoy the time to myself. sometimes... just TALK, the mindless, non-productive, loud TALK, you know, it grates on my nerves... and i know they're talking about me right now...

awww, screw it!

typing with nine fingers is harder than it looks, trust me. when i agreed to help stock books and whatnot in the bookstore, i didn't know that there was a possiblity that i would lose half a nail. that's right. half a nail. i was cutting bookmarks and i accidently sliced and diced my middle left finger's nail in two. so here i am standing, clutching my hand which is pouring blood everwhere thinking, this is interesting.., while everyone else 'oh my god's' me to the back and i'm rushed, to all places, student health services.

so. eventually, when it feels like it, the half-nail will drop off and a new one will grow in six months. so that means that i have to wear a bandage for six months.... ARG! the fact that i have to change the bandaging everyday irks me. if you were wondering, it didn't hurt, just sort of aches (except when they cleaned it.... IT BURNS! IT BURNS!) mom wanted me to quit and move back home for the semester, dad warned me not to turn into my clumsy self again and timon just laughed. and laughed. and laughed. other than the two fingers that i cut in that accident, i got a paper cut today. yay. i look like a freak.

naveen spend the night last night. we talked about trust; about how jam and i could tell each other anything because i had that high level of trust even though i've known bbq longer. [i think the reason why i'm so mad with bbq is because he didn't trust me enough to tell me that he was dating. we hardly ever talk about ourselves and how we feel about things. it's so hard to open up that man!] later, we ordered out and watched momento. it was really good; i liked it.

jam drove naveen and i to the bank (because i didn't have any money and mom didn't want me to drive in my condition) and blockbuster. the thing between jam and i is complicated; i'm happy that somebody else can feel for him the same way he feels for her instead of not feeling anything back. i hope that we'll still be able to share the same amount of trust between us.

as veen and i were preparing for sleep, i remarked that i shouldn't of eaten so late (especially that vegetarian sub....agagagaggg SO GOOD!) because i tend to have strange dreams. (while with the veggie burgers, i have violent ones). and sure enough, lo and behold, i had two. one, i was in the bookstore, ringing up this guy that was buying like 50 books. i finish the transaction and my friend (who is a cashier) comes up and starts to void the whole thing, telling me that i did it wrong. i kept on asking her what i did wrong, but she wouldn't say, only saying: you did it wrong! the other dream, i was @ BWI, trying to get back to... get this..... BWI (don't ask cos i don't know either) to get back to school. so dad didn't give me a ticket, but a baggage tag (you know the ones they put on your bags when you check them in). so i go up to the place to check in baggage (i had two bags) and i asked for a ticket. apparently a baggage tag = a ticket, because she said sure. she scanned the ticket and said that i could only get a ticket to addis ababa (the capitol of ethiopa; i had a stopover there when i was traveling to kenya). i started to argue with the woman, who claimed that i could only get a ticket to ethiopia. my cousin (who just happened to go to kenya with her family this winter break) bumped into me, wondering what was going on. she told me that she was going to kenya and if there was anything that she could do to help. i remarked how stupid dad was for giving me a tag for addis ababa.

and then i woke up.

you see what happens when you eat food late?

anyways, trying to figure out what i'm going to do to entertain myself tonight. hmm. i don't know. too tired.

i'm starting to notice the differences in myself over the course of five years or so.

*old* me: always needed somebody (a friend or a significant other, even though i never did find one of the latter), always agreed with what everybody thought about me, always wanted to make people happy; always said yes, always something troubling me, always quiet when i should of said something, no social life; heavy on the books.

*now* me: don't need anybody to do things by myself; enjoying being/doing things alone, trying to make people understand who i am, knowing how to say no, trying to make myself happy, learning how to deal with stuff that troubles me, loud; always having something to say, no social life; heavy on the books.

i guess some things never change.

another 'great' semester; i checked my grades last night. despite all the work and tutoring that i got, i still got a C in immunology and a D in calculus. i just refuse to take any more math classes at this school. my gpa sucks... i just don't want to talk about it anymore.

went to the gym today. had a good workout.

drama is starting up again when now, i'm trying to run away from it. agagaggg! i hate drama! (chi sings: no more pain.... no more pain....) why won't it leave me alone?!

i just feel like kicking back and watching a movie tonight. ahh, the joys of winter break.

so my uncle is leaving for new york to go to graduate school. i went to the party today after spending a weekend with the family and my aunt visiting from kenya. i won't even get into all the 'old-school' stuff and whatnot... it was enough to make me go mad. i am american, but i'm every much so kenyan too.

blah. anyways, it's cold and kinda doing a slushy snow thing outside. i'm looking for a delay so i don't have to go into work so early in the morning. i don't mind hauling the books and packing them away though. in return, i got the used orgo books that i needed for this spring; and there were only 6 left.

too many things bothering me last week. so much so, i couldn't write about it at all. i would just start entries and erase them. they're still there, but i've reached a clearing where i can finally just... i don't know... breathe, i guess. but i do want to thank my crazy brothers; they are absolutely ghetto to the core.

i don't know if i should install windows XP on my laptop or not; i was supposed to give the disks to my cousin today, but i left them here at school (i got it for $15). i don't know. well, let me go and do something productive.

Here's another sunday morning call
Yer hear yer head-a-banging on the door
Slip your shoes on and then out you crawl
Into a day that couldn't give you more
But what for?

And in your head do you feel
What you're not supposed to feel
You take what you want
But you won't get it for free
You need more time
Cos your thoughts and words won't last forever more
But i'm not sure if it ever works out right
But it's ok. It's all right

When yer lonely and you start to hear
The little voices in your head at night
You will only sniff away the tears
So you can dance until the morning light
At what price?

And in your head do you feel
What you're not supposed to feel
You take what you want
But you won't get it for free
You need more time
Cos your thoughts and words won't last forever more
But I'm not sure if it ever works out right
But it's ok. It's all right

And in your head do you feel
What you're not supposed to feel
When you take what you want
You don't get hope for free
You need more time
Cos your thoughts and words won't last forever more
And I'm not sure if it'll ever, ever, ever work out right
Will it ever, ever, ever work out right?
Cos it never, never, never works out right


oasis: sunday morning call

even better... i'm gonna eat farina... oh yeah... farina....

just came back from work. i suppose i should go to the store, but i'm not sure yet. already, at work, i was running into people (if JK didn't look so good... please excuse my hormones... they're running rampant again...).

i feel overlooked sometimes. like people, just see me, make an assumption and move on, not bothering to look just a little deeper. of course, that's what people do in passing anyways, but i feel like it's my friends, especially here at school, that overlook me. they place me in this category.... ugh, don't want to talk about it anymore.

oh, and screw the resolutions... i don't feel like it...

so i could either sit on my ass and starve for the rest of the night or go to giant and see what i can buy. still trying to figure it out...

you wanna know a funny thing? as soon as i drove into the UMBC loop, i started to get depressed no, it was something else.. not really anxiety, but kind of melancholy. probably because i was thinking of all the people that are taking classes this winter semester.

so, if i can't stand my parents and i can't stand school, where am i supposed to go?

i was walking into giant yesterday, to get some salad for the party that i had, when i heard somebody yell my name. not just my first name and not just my last name, but my full name: first name and last name. i had to turn and see who would be so bold as to yell my complete name.

an old high school friend acquaintance who just happens to go to school in baltimore too. we talked for about 5 minutes as we avoided being hit by cars backing up to leave the mess that was awaiting me in the store. he hugged me and claimed that even though i looked the same, i looked 'more mature' (huh? is that supposed to make me feel better?) he took down my cell phone and 'promised' to call. i'm not expecting a call any time soon.

ugh. and i used to have a crush on him too.

the party was good. and that is all that i will say about that.

today, the family and i went to baltimore to go visit my cousins' new house that they just purchased. it's a beautiful end-unit townhouse near owings mill mall (and only 5 exits away from school... oh yeah, you know i'll be visiting often...). i want a house like that (probably 5 years from now).

anyways, i start work at the bookstore tomorrow (i wonder why i still work there... to get away from the parents of course) and i'm driving to school tomorrow morning. so now i have to go pack. more tomorrow.. after work..