ok. let me try this again; this is the third time i'm starting an entry this morning.

it's friday; the end of an interesting week. it seems that all my relatives from kenya found visas and dropped by my house. i keep on remembering that i have to defer my school loan payment but then i forget. my hair needs to be done; the fro and heat just don't go together. emails from GSK/philly roommates are making me laugh... that was a fun summer.

i also noticed that i tend not to blog during the summer months. it's not that i'm too busy or anything like that... i don't know. it's like the desire wears off and then comes right back when the school year starts up again. i'm going to try to write something but i'm not guaranteing (is that a word? did i spell it right?) anything.

yesterday, after class, i visited ash and N at their apartment for the last time before N goes back to ny (since she graduated). so many things that i could say right now. not all good, so i won't say. N however wants me to come visit her in ny this summer. i don't know how when i don't have any money, but we'll see. 'bring your hoochie gear,' she says. and i tell her that i don't have any.

anyways, it's friday and this week is over. i have a new layout (skin) waiting to be put up; hopefully, i'll do it by this weekend. if i don't have too much homework.

peace for your day.

little did i know that summer session one would begin the day after memorial day.

so here i am at school. class starts @ nine and i came early to beat traffic. i like to come up to the library when it's quiet and i feel alone.

honestly, i'm having trouble sleeping, my family is getting on my nerves (how am i supposed to deal with this for this academic year?), i'm depressed because i didn't graduate and i really just want people to leave me alone. i refuse to go anywhere and do anything with anybody.

let's see how this day goes.

written: 26 may 2002; 9.20pm

i've been kind of out of sync for the past couple of days since the semester ended. Been spending alot of time by myself: sleeping, watching tv, chilling. i kind of just want to distance myself from UMBC people just a bit. i think i just need this time.

UMBC commencement was on thursday. i had a little problem with rides, but i got it all figured out somehow. my secondary ride however was quite late, but it didn't really matter because one: graduation was in the big ass baltimore arena... you can't see anyone anyways and two: we missed dr. h speak which is always a good thing. the valedictorian was this 19 year old super genius which only made me feel more ignorant and slow than i feel right now. of course, dr. h was just beeming with pride like he was the child's parent because he also graduated from undergraduate @ 19 and got his PhD @ 24.
anyways, after the three hour ceremony was over, my ride and i went out to hug the choice graduates before we left to escape traffic. i saw some friends of mine that graduated including rotisserie, iced tea, rich, and JK. i always seem to have strange encounters with JK. I congratulated him and he thanked me. there was an odd silence between ius even throuh the lobby was bustling with overjoyed graduates and family; each of us picking our nails and looking around us. finally, he said: come here and give me a hug. keep in touch, i blurted out as we arkwardly embraced. yes maam, he replied. and i moved on. literally. i don't know about mentally; there are so many 'what ifs'. and i know he's not going to keep in touch. i'm trying not to think about it as much anymore.
i almost ran into r-butter (who also graduated); truthfully, he's a really nice guy (he gave me a hug and said he was going to miss me earlier in the semester) but... i don't know. he'll be around even though i don't want to him to be.

when i got back from commencement, almost immediately i took a nap for two hours. for the past couple of days, i've been feeling quite tired even though i haven't been doing anything strenuous since moving out. i haven't even gone outside; one: there's nothing to do. and two: i have no money to spend. dad complains when i turn the ac off because i don't realize how hot it is outside. my bad.

but i did got out today; with mom and the brothers to watch epsiode 2. i really want to see it at uptown in DC, but the line was crazy. so i just wanted to see spiderman at city place in downtown SS, but the brothers insisted on star wars. the movie was ok; a nice filler of who, how and why for episodes 3, 4 and 5,

i need to update stuff: my room (which is a disaster), this site, my school site, etc. i only have a couple days before summer school starts.

it's raining outside.

soundtrack: brandy: full moon

i don't know why i downloaded this song; i don't know why i'm listening to it either.

i'm in a mood. T was busy on friday, running into him after my orgo final (which whipped my ass by the way); he's a big brother and he was going to one of his mentee's baseball games. now, i don't know why i was so angry cos there was no reason to be, but *i was* dammit! and then other things (like my brother and JK) just agrivated me even more. i ended moving those boxes myself which took me 45 minutes; there were only two.
i got home around 8 and fell asleep around nine, lights on, fully clothed and 3/4 finished novel in my right hand. woke up at midnight, changed and turned off the light. woke up at 3am cos i was hot, woke up at 5am and decided to get ice cold water and then finally woke up at 8.30am to al shaking me awake, telling me to get into the shower.
tried not to fall asleep in church and ended up having this kid fall asleep on me and slobber all over my dress pants.
dad is having another party and i just wasn't trying to stay home for that. al was just being stubbon and wanted to leave after sunset, when i didn't want to drive after dark (i have this thing about night blindness and whatnot). so i left him home and here i am. i am in a mood.

ash is having an end of the semester/year cookout and i don't know if i really want to go or not. i should go and have fun, but i'm not a real social person. she's expecting me, but yet once again, chi will not arrive. that's just the way i am.
i just lock myself in my room, look at some sites, fall asleep trying to write some story... and that's the end of that one.

please. i beg you. go out and do something. don't be like me.

peace for your evening.

soundtrack: aphex twin: 4 and IZ-US

it seems like i have been doing everything else except studying for my orgo final tomorrow. cleaned, cooked and even packed. everything is gone except the essentials: cell phone desk charger, alarm clock, books and laptop (of course).
it always at the end of the school year where i get one of my guy friends to help me move the large rubbermaid boxes full of my junk to my car; the only time i will allow myself to admit that there is something i can't do by myself as a woman (or break my neck trying...) two years ago it was jam. last year it was bbq. but now, things are ... strange with them. so this year, i have decided to ask T if he would help me move the boxes from the third floor to my car, hoping that the curse of 'strangeness' does fall between us. it would take to long to explain what's already happening between us now.

i had an information session with a biotech company in rockville on wednesday; it sounds like a nice company that i could stay with after graduation and it sounds like i'm the kind of person they want. and of course, the most important thing: tutition. when i heard that, i almost begged them to hire me on the spot. things are going to be hard on the family since i'm doing an extra year and al has lost his scholarship. so, this last year, i'm staying with the parents. but with this tution help from the company, basically, everything is covered. and the other benefits are more than what i expected for an entry level job. i pray that i get the job and i like what i do there.

anyways, since i've been apathetic for the past couple of days, today is the day that i must study hardcore; i have to review a whole years worth of organic chemistry. wish me well.

peace for your day.

where did the name chi come from?

back in kindergarden, when i was teased; one day, i wore a bright yellow shirt (which contrasted ever so nicely with my dark skin) and one of the boys, who used to call me gorilla said: man, you look like a banana. a big chiquita banana.

and then i punched him out.

but the name stuck all the way through high school; my high school friends still call me chiqui or banana. i just shortened it down to chi b.

i don't like to talk about myself often, but if i did have to decribe myself:

i have dark skin which i used to hate, but now have grown to love.
my shoe size is 10/11.
my hair is natural (un-'relaxed' or not straightened) and usually in braids.
i bite my fingernails when i'm stressed, nervous, or bored.
i like to drive. very fast.
i have extremely neat handwriting from practicing writing the alphabet when i was in elementary school when i finished my work early.
i like to write but i don't have the patience to write well.
i listen before i speak. or sometimes i just listen.
i tend to be ... physically aggressive.
i love SAABS.
i go to church and is very involved.
i would rather do things by myself; i like to work alone.
i like familiar things (places, people). new things scare me but i have been trained to open my arms and my mind.
things that i do when i get depressed or worried: exercise and study.
i eat ice. alot.
i am so self conscious that i often refuse to look in the mirror or even take pictures.
i don't wear makeup. at all.
i refuse to fall in the sterotypical role of the kenyan (african) woman, who cooks and cleans for the man. i want a man that cooks and cleans for me. my aunts still don't understand.
i play the violin and dabble with the piano.
i sing.
i dance when nobody is looking.
i love music. so much so, i would rather be blind than deaf.
i read alot of books.
i take life now one day at a time even though i'm obsessive about planning for the future.

and i am now official bored out my mind. i don't wanna study, there's nothing good on tv. what is a girl to do? i'm trying to stop myself from putting on my sneakers and running the loop... i already took a shower. blah, blah, blah.

peace for your evening.

chi is poor. how poor is chi you ask?

i'm so poor, the only shoes i have are my gym sneakers and an old pair of sandals
i'm so poor, all the jeans that i have and wear have holes in them.
i'm so poor, the last time i bought a dress was for high school prom.

well, poor and the lack of time to go out and charge on a gold card that i can't pay back anyways. and the fact that now that i've lost weight, most of my clothes don't fit anymore.

anyways, let me stop complaining. i have some interviews this week; we'll see how those go.

peace for your day.

it's the end of one week: 4 exams and african dance performance. i think the performance went ok; dad came to see me... wow.

this week finals start. i'm not going to the gym as often as i want to now; i want to go today but i'm waiting for this thunderstorm to pass.

you ever have one of those days where you just don't want to interact with anybody? i kind of feel like that locked in my room right now. even though i just got back from home, i need to get out of this apartment. sike-a-boo.

peace.

well. the time has come. i won't be here for the next 2-3 weeks; exams, perfomances, interviews, meetings and then finals.

i just don't even want to think about them. anyways, please pray or 'good luck' or 'positive karma' for me; i need it all.

peace.

soundtrack: armand van helden flowers

it's not hot, hot outside, but warm enough to make you sweat. my face is oily and breaking out; stress methinks it is cos usually, my skin is flawless (i'm not bragging). i'm not going to start complaining like i have been in the last couple of entries; i think you all are a bit tired of that. i wrote down a schedule for the next week or two; hopefully i can stick to it.

bbq's cologne smells nice. i can still smell it cos it's still on me. men, do you realize how much cologne y'all put on? some of you, i can smell from yards away. hmm, this one smells familiar; i'm smelled it on someone else before. i could say the same for women also; i always wonder how some women put on enough so that they can smell nice the whole day. when i used to wear perfume, i could never do that. i don't wear any perfume/cologne/spray/whatever you want to call it now because my whole body breaks out in hives. i don't know why and i've tried different kinds with the same result. oh well. at least i can still smell like secret.

it seems that there are some local pharmies looking for a few good chemistry majors for internships this summer. even though i'm biochemistry, this is what seems to be my last chance at hope for any kind of internship this summer. if not, you can see me at your local mall: 'do you need help with anything, maam/sir?' oooh, and i just got an email back too; they are looking for biochem students. things are looking up.

ok. i have to go wash my face now; it's irking me. peace for your evening.