soundtrack: slum village: tainted

i was talking with ali this afternoon; just the bringing up of the past spring semester just brought up all these past memories of sorrow and hate. every day was a drama-filled day and i don't miss them at all. days filled with regret, anger or confusion. most of them due to ... does it matter who? hate is too strong of a word, yet dislike is too weak. actually, i've been thinking bout the past semester for about two weeks now; and everytime i do, i just pound my fist into the wall: how could i be so stupid? why the hell did that happen? what the hell is this? i'm just trying to deal with it without losing control.

T and i were talking tonight and he was telling me about where he works, down the road from my house. with kids. and invited me to come work with him. i like kids, but i don't like them that much. after i finish this babysitting gig, hopefully i'll get my pharmie job and live in bliss. anyways, we're still trying to plan what we're going to do for the rest of the summer; maybe do something next week.

i don't have work tomorrow, so even though it's late (or mom claims that it is), i'm going to watch vanilla sky before i return it tomorrow.

peace and love (somewhere or someone).

soundtrack: mtv

it's not friday, but what the hell... (this is my first friday five)

1. How long have you had a weblog? since late september 2001, but i've been journaling since 1998.

2. What was your first post about? about how much i didn't like blogger or this whole 'weblog revolution'. but now, i have quickly grown attached to it because of it's convience

3. How many changes (name, location, etc.) of your weblog have there been, if more than one? none for delusions, but for equilibrium, many free site switches. i'm thinking about a domain, but maybe when i'm settled.

4. What CMS (content management system) do you use? Do you like it or do you want to try something else? blogger. duh. i don't know... if i wanted to try something else (if i ever had the time to sit down and learn), maybe graymatter or movable type.

5. Do you read people who have both a journal and a weblog? Or do you prefer to read people who have all of their writing in one central place? i do read some with both and even though i like the difference, i would like if stuff was in one place. i would have a journal, but it's easier to just write in one place; deep, thoughtfull stuff or fluff.

i'll write something reasonable at the time, when i find the time. peace for your evening.

soundtrack: random tv

mom is in some kind of mood and it's getting on my last nerve. for some reason, she's centering all this 'discontentment' towards me. i'm like, 'what the hell did i do?' apparently, i'm her daughter and i just don't do anything right. i'm tired and exasperated.

T called me last night and wanted me to go out with him, somewhere in DC. but i had a youth program in church that i was doing yesterday, so i couldn't go. boo. instead of sleeping the saturday afternoon away, i wrote emails to people that i haven't talked to in a while (from the beginning of the summer to almost a year).

ok. later. mom demands the internet. there is no peace for me.

soundtrack: fox morning news

it's so early in the morning and i'm awake. why? because i have to drop these guests off at the metro.

i checked my email this morning and mom sent an email about 'switching careers'. switching careers? she still things that i would be more successful as an english teacher than a research scientist. and maybe, just maybe, she's right. but then i would be mad *bored* out of my mind. i don't think that some people understand. biochemistry is hard, yes. and i'm not the best student in biochemistry, yes. but i still love to research. i still love to discover new things. yes, i still love science. i might not be that good at it, but isn't it about the drive? i have the drive to be the best i can be.
thank you very much.

peace out for the morning.

soundtrack: eww... there's nothing on tv...

man, i'm tired.

i saw people today that i didn't expect to see at all. as i stepped out of the car of the lady whose children i'm babysitting (i didn't have a car today), a 1996 toyota corrola stops in the middle of the street and beeps. i could hardly believe my eyes; it was a high school friend of mine that lives in my neighborhood (and ironically goes to UMBC, one of the smallest schools in the state (but expanding exponentially), where i never see her). after we exchanged numbers for the nth time (her number is still in my phone book), i went inside to relax a bit before crispy came to pick me up to practice (because apparently, bbq has MCAT class; since when did this child want to go to medical school or try? try for $1000? i saved myself the money...).
suddenly, there was a knock on the door. i knew it wasn't crispy yet and timon said that a strange man was at the door. and he let him in. at first, i was just staring at him, wondering what compelled timon to let this stranger in the house. 'hey chi, what's up?' he said. and then it all came flooding back... my god, PH. the guy i knew when i moved to MD in 1985. the guy who got me in trouble in elementary school. the guy who claimed the FBI were after him and his parents because he saw a helicopter peering through his living room window (uh huh... i still don't believe that one). actually, the last time i saw him was about 3 years ago; he was going to farm for the rest of his life. now, he's going to school at MC (community college) and trying to find a job since the last one he quit this monday (because the girl he was lusting after said, "umm... NO."). i can't believe he still remembered where we live.
you see? i know amusing people; i have amusing friends.
i didn't plan for crispy to meet PH, but she did and they instantly clicked, much to my surprise. crispy and i left after al got home to the metro station near by to pick up a friend before we set off to UMBC. it ended up that nobody, yes NOBODY, came. i feel so bad for crispy since she lives in largo and she had to come get me and then her friend is in DC and she had to take the metro up to maryland suburbia. please people: if you really don't want to come, don't promise to come. that's just lame. and write stuff down too; the 'i forgot' excuse is played out. anyways, we made the most of the situation; we sang old school jams all the way back home.
even though i'm tired, i'm waiting for crispy to call so i know that she got back safe and is not out on the road somewhere in a car accident.

this was a good blog, yes?

peace for you and your family.

soundtrack: the simpsons

the kids that i babysit are absolutely adorable. they're so sweet. 'can i give you a hug?' one of them asks. awww.

is it just me or does it seem like UMBC has been in the news lately. i was reading the washington post magazine from this sunday and i was reading about UMBC; in the first educational review (this sunday's was the second), there was also an article on UMBC. and then i was watching local news and there was UMBC again. please. spare me.

other things going on. in my head. still trying to figure it out.

it's getting dark; it's gonna rain.

(i *warned* you guys; i don't do blogs during the summer).

soundtrack: slum village: tainted

(wow. three blogs in one week...) gotta love T. he called tonight to check up on his 'grandma'; he's tired of my grandmotherly ways and is planning to drag me out for a night on the town. i mean, what can i say? i have quirks, one of them being no social life. i'm kinda scared about walking around dc now, with all those blow dart gun attacks.
i chipped my front tooth today; just know that it was an accident. gonna call the dentist tomorrow for an appointment, while i still have the dental insurance. it's not a really bad chip (i couldn't find the piece; it was that small), but it's still noticable. my tounge keep on running over the unusual surface that was created and i can't help to stop in front of the various mirrors in the house and grin to look at the poor thing. i would like to think that i'm not that self conscious, but it needs to be fixed.

crispy called me today about practicing (next week); unfortunately, bbq is the only one that can give me a ride; it just had to be the day when i wasn't going to have the car. hmm. *chi muses* *grumble, grumble* whatever. i know you're laughing crispy... laugh it up...
naj finally emailed a sista back. geez girl, where have you been? she's gonna get a scolding.

peace for now.

soundtrack: scrubs

so i pick up mom from the metro today. 'let's see how much money chi has today,' she says as she opens up my wallet that is only full of pennies. so she gave me $20. i tell ya: that's what moms are for.
my legs ache; from running yesterday. i'm back on the exercise track y'all. (everytime i watch this show, it makes me want to be a doctor all over again. all those quirky people in the hospital. you know they're in the lab too. quirkiness. gotta love it.) i got that babysitting job; and let's just say that i'm getting paid real good. thank you God; it's a blessing, i'm that poor. i'm still rearranged monies in the account, balanced the checkbook, and trying to sell these collector star trek books on ebay (or something like that).

the singing group that i'm in is going to start practicing soon; we have a date with a program at my church. i'm ready to see people now; i've gotten over whatever was bothering me before. there are still select people that i don't want to see though; particularly bbq. it's hard being friends with someone that you still have feelings for. there. i said it. have you ever experienced feelings that never go away no matter what? yeah, that's what it is. it's just better to stay away sometimes, but with this situation, it almost seems impossible. hmm. *chi grimaces* they're just too much behind this story. and i'm shutting the door for now.

peace.

soundtrack: 60 minutes

the relatives have left the building. well, at least one of them; uncle is going back to kenya on tuesday. of course, before he left, he had to give a little going away speech. i think it runs in dad's side of the family; talking way too much for no apparent reason.
i've been feeling kind of ... not happy lately. just not in a good mood. and it's annoying me because it seems that everybody wants me to just put a smile on my face. i mean, why do i have to be smiling all the time, even when i don't feel like it. i'm tired of faking it.

i'm tired of being here. in maryland. mom's been treating me like a child lately, i still have no money, i'm bored and i want to go out. somewhere. anywhere but here. it's that time again; it's time to leave the state. anybody want to host me? money's burning a hole in my savings account.
one more week of summer school; one more week of trekking to b-more during the summer. cousins still want me to come and move in with them for the school year; for some reason, mom is hesitant. i still don't have a job here, so that could be a possibility. but then i only have two classes. i don't know.
too many other things going on; i don't even know where to start on those ones.

anyways, i have homework to finish. peace for your evening.

soundtrack: jimmy eat world: sweetness

i feel like i've wasted the first half of my summer. i started running and working out in the gym, but now i'm just sitting here on the couch... something that i've been doing for the past two weeks. i haven't even started studying for the GREs, i have no job, haven't traveled anywhere and i don't know... i just feel useless.
so i'm trying to start the summer over again; actually writing some goals on paper. as for the job situation, i'm still giving these people a week to call me before i call them back (i need to go find that card; it's in my room somewhere). but i think i'll just be babysitting some middle and high school kids (i don't know; the mom thinks i'm perfect and i'm thinking these kids are already grown) for the rest of the summer and then start this biotech job in the fall.

don't you hate in when your parent(s) tell you do something and then when you do it, they wonder why you did it in the first place? doesn't that drive you crazy?! so, last semester was my *last* semester on campus; i'll be living at home for my last school year, by the request of the parents, especially mom. and then the other day, mom goes: 'so why are you commuting this year? you should live on campus.' aww! i was about to go crazy! do you know how hard it is to get back on campus after you forgo your spot as a continuing student?! i'm just not even going to bother. they better buy me a car. a new car.

i'm sort of just ... i don't know... i'm somewhere in the middle. of what, i don't know that either. it's not that i'm not motivated but it's not like i am either. not avoiding people but not trying to get their attention.
mom is cooking a big piece of meat in the kitchen. my vegetarianism has caused me not to enjoy the meat that i have to cook; i don't bother to worry if it actually tastes good or not. i have made up my mind: i'm going vegan. health and the fact that milk gives me gas (is that too much information?). mad gas; my brothers don't *enjoy* the mad gas. heeheehee. [i'm delirious].

ok. i'm done thinking. peace.

soundtrack: muse: sunburn

sitting around the house. bored. i really didn't do anything this 4th of july weekend; just sat around the house and re-read some novel.

i have this uncanny feeling that people around me are trying to change me. visiting cousins wonder why i don't have a boyfriend or haven't gotten 'my freak on'. mom still thinks that i was made for children, change my major to english and become a teacher for the rest of my life. friends wonder why i'm never serious. first of all, i can be serious, it's just that people never bother to see it, even when i say, 'i'm serious.' why are people trying to change me? why can't y'all be happy for who i am? i'm happy content with who i am. if any changes are going to be made, it's going to be because i want to make them. i'm an average science major that doesn't go out to party and is content being single. deal with it.

late afternoon brought a haze through the area that looked like smoke. that's because it was smoke; from canadian forest fires apparently that drifted all the way down here.
despite the health hazard, the haze made the afternoon into a lazy, sleepy one. yeah.

more of nothing to come. peace.

soundtrack: star trek: voyager

what do i have to do to get a phone line around here? geez man.

T called me last night, as i was surfing through amazon looking for new books instead of studying for the exam that i had today (which i think i did pretty well by the way). T's good at that; actually calling people and seeing how they're doing. we talked about nothing for about an hour. T called me a 'grandma', because he says i act just like one... just because i don't like to go out. 'well i don't,' i retorted and he laughed. i don't know; i just don't. of course, my first pet name will never change. (hey, i gotta keep some things to myself).
ash called later that night and i set up a time to meet her today. we met late morning and i gave her the chappati i made (she loved it, of course). she said i didn't miss anything and her performance was bad anyways. she walked me over to the admin. building so i could pay a bill and she could get some lunch. we talked about academic life after UMBC: GREs, grad school, recommendations, research, etc. truthfully, i haven't really been thinking about graduate school and everything that comes along with it. maybe if i don't think about it, it'll all go away. well, ok, i do know better than that. i really need to sit down and think what i want to do and where i want to go and when i'm going to get all this stuff done; i know i have to get the PhD.

i keep on twirling the hair at the back of my neck; it grew out so much in just a month. the cornrows just look horrible now; i need to take them out and do something with my hair. maybe twists. tekla, i love your braids (have fun on your trip). i wish all my friends didn't stay in baltimore; i really need somebody to hook a sister (me!) up.

it's mad hot outside; just plain ole muggy. mom let me drive her car today since my heap-o-junk has none. mom is insisting that i buy a new car for the school year. i know i can't have my dream car (saab: base starting price: $25,000 = i don't think so...), so i have decided to settle on a vw golf. i was near college park the other day, saw one and i instantly wanted one. we'll see.

the pharmie company is supposed to call me next week. i'm nervous; what if they don't call me? call me! (oh when you need me. baby.) you know you want me! i have the skills! i have the skills!

anyways, i'm tired and sleep is em·i·nent. peace.

*edit* i forgot to add... random stuff:

i had a dream last friday (when i slept for 14 hours) about bbq, al's girlfriend, my cousins i haven't seen in a while, mom and rental cars. please don't ask cos i wouldn't know what to say.

my aunt had a party on saturday night; i was talking with my cousins that i haven't seen in awhile (not the same cousins in the dream, mind you) even though they go to UMCP. i would of stayed to catch up longer, but the brothers wanted to go. i'm glad i didn't go with the rents cos they didn't come back till 6 in the morning. can you imagine such old people staying up so late? it's scary.

ok. yes. sleep. goodnight.