soundtrack: lauyrn hill: i gotta find peace of mind

i didn't think that i would ever be so happy that it's friday. i don't know if i'm more upset that i have class everyday (with only two courses) or that i have a lab discussion on fridays. blasie blah-blah.

these JK references are getting ridiculous, i tell you. coming down to the computer lab, i run into a friend (see) of mine that knows knew about the JK situation. "so did you guys talk?" he asked. ugh! can we please leave it alone! the man done graduated already and he's still haunting me at UMBC! just.... UGH! i'm glad i'm not on campus or i think i would be hearing about him a lot more often.

so i'm driving home yesterday, for some reason completely happy (i guess i was tired or something). so, i was dancing and singing in the car (something that i do quite often when i'm tired and happy). this old, decrepit man pulled up next to me at a red light and started waving his arms wildly, sticking his head out the window, trying to catch my attention. when i looked his direction, he leered at me.... LEERED! ewwww. as soon as that light turned green, i drove as fast as my crappy car could take me. so unneccesary. so unneccesary.

this entry was brought to you by dictionary.com cos i can't spell worth shiet.

peace.

soundtrack: vannesa carlton: ordinary day

umbc is crazy. i was supposed to meet a friend in the morning (yesterday), but i was running late and i ran even later because it took 1/2 hour just to find parking; that's one thing i'm not going to enjoy about commuting.

i seriously thought that i wouldn't start biochem lab yesterday; usually they start labs the week after. so i did the stuff i needed to do, met crispy in the library, went to the commons to eat (thanks crispy) and just ran into everybody. but i started to get a nagging feeling, so i went to the chem office and lo and behold, lab class was today. ugh. i just wasn't ready for something so intense on the first day. well, i reasoned that we would only do roll call and end early. %$#@! after two hours of talk and checking out drawers, we went to the library and learned how to look up scientific papers, cos we're gonna anaylze alot this semester. started @ 2 and finished @ 5.30, a 1/2 hour before lab technically ends. it's like analytical chem and immunology combined. my head is swimming already.

(funny side story: we were getting and checking out our drawers that have the equipment that we will be using this semester for lab. anyways, stickers with names of previous users were on the drawers. original noticed the name on mine, "look, you have JK's old drawer." i grimaced inwardly, but i guess JK's old roommates noticed because they gave me a surprised look. somebody up there is laughing. very, very funny).

after class, crispy, veen and i went to columbia mall to hang but only had enough time to get dinner. i thought the rain would let up later in the evening (it had been raining all day; it's still raining now) but it only seemed to get worse. i had to go home.

right now, i'm doing laundry. have class today; going up to school a little later. i know we have a drought, but this rain is really getting on my nerves. stop raining! blah, blah, blah. be prepared for the blah. better blah maybe later.

peace.

soundtrack: maxwell: lifetime

everytime i hear this song, i associate it with nyc; maybe because of the video.

i could of been in nyc right now. but i'm just thinking about things i shouldn't be thinking about anyways.

i went to go rent john q. for mom at blockbuster this evening. "smile," the guy ringing me up kept on telling me. "too many things to think about," i mumbled. then out of nowhere: "why don't you go get another tape?" i gave him a strange look and picked up the other film that i picked up, looked at and put back on the shelf. "is it a 2 for 1 special or something?" i asked him. "no," he said simply, "just for you."

strange enough, but i can now say that my looks have gotten me something for free.

goodnight. peace.

soundtrack: zero 7: destiny

i feel absolutely sick to my stomach. i'm too afraid to eat anything in fear that i might throw it up. i was supposed to go out and finish up shopping today but ended up in bed, sleeping to find some relief from the pain. ugh.

this weekend was. wow.
when i finished writing my last entry, i realized that it wasn't only me and the child, but his mother (or my aunt) too. all my plans collasped from there. got stung by a bee (on my freakin' foot!) that now we think are coming through the vents from outside (because of the bee hive on the house); it 'stung' like mad. because crispy and co. were coming on saturday for lunch, i wanted to cook on friday so i didn't have to worry and slave in the kitchen after church. i started cooking around 11am and i didn't finish until 4. went out the store to buy some other stuff; i still had some more food to cook, but i would have to cook it after my rehersal. came back from the store and then went to rehersal (for praise team). even though rehersal was good (and we're not performing till the 14 of september), it ran late and by the time i got home it was 11.30. i would just have to cook the last of the food tomorow after church.
saturday morning. woke up at 6am and made breakfast. slept for about an hour and 1/2 before i finally took a shower. went to church, tried to teach the lesson (i'm really not good at teaching; one of the many excuses reasons why i refuse to be a teacher), sermon, etc. came home and headed straight for the kitchen (i put on an apron; my friend later commented, "only real cooks wear aprons, cos they forget they have it on when they come to open the door.") to cook beef stew and collard greens. crispy and co. came over around 3; ate while i cleaned up. for some reason, i don't eat what i cook. i don't know why; i don't pick at the food while i cook it. dad never left for NJ and thus auntie and the child never left either (they are *still* here; some random family tiff).
left for church around 4.30. practiced awhile. program at 6. we sang. i think it went really well. my feet were hurting by that time and my bee sting had swollen the whole left side of my foot. went home. mom and the brothers were back. al and went to a friend's house to watch a movie, then turned in for the evening around 1.30. crazy weekend i tell ya.

after the program, we (crispy, A, bbq and i) stopped at a local giant because A needed money before she went back to DC. i don't know how to explain this conversation that bbq, crispy and i had, but the result was very benefical for me (it's a long story; if you really want to know, email or IM me). on thursday, just riding in the car with bbq to rehersal, was almost unbearable. all i could think about was how much time we used to spend together that we didn't anymore, how i felt betrayed. on thursday, i felt like a jealous child.
it was so much easier to ignore, but i think during our brief conversation (he changed the subject; he's still uncomfortable about some things), i felt he was able to understand things from my pov. and for some strange reason that made me feel a whole lot better about the relationship that we have now. after the performance, we talked about the first time he performed at my church, which was also the first time that we met.

"look at us now, 4 years later," he said. i smiled. it feels good now to be in his presence.

(random note about this weekend: i was going to rename 'butterwrecka' (he was part of the co.) because clearly there is no 'butter' to "wreck", but his actions have clearly proven that he will forever keep that name. forever. you hear me boy..)

during lunch, while the co. was looking at pictures that i finally developed from crispy's surprise party (the party was a month late. the pictures, a year later), someone commented, "why do you have so many pictures of jam up in here?" instead of simply stating that jam had 'stolen' my camera during the party and took random pictures of himself (that's what really happened, i swear), i stumbled over my words. "uh-huh," everybody said.
i don't know; it's strange, this relationship between jam and i. i seem to be only one that knows that it will never work. am i right or wrong?

school starts this week (wednesday). even though biochem lab doesn't start this week, i'm still planning to go up to school and get some other things done. there are pros and cons to commuting from home. half of me wishes that i was moving in tomorrow but the other half is absolutely content with staying away from the drama (for me, umbc is drama-filled land). usually what happens is that the year starts out pretty well and drama just seems to take over which makes me moody and depressed (along with the fact that fall semester has hardly any holidays and it gets darker earlier) and thus leave me with horrible grades cos i'm trying too hard. take a break for a month and because of spring break, warmer weather and renewed determination, my grades are better. with my last year here at umbc, i hope to break the vicious cycle and just beast out all over.
i need to be exercising constantly. i'll run like once every two weeks; stopping because one of my feet is swollen (what is up with that?!) which then turns into laziness. things will be different this year i'm not going to say that because i said that last year and ended up in drama mess.

i think i'm going to stop now before this entry gets any longer.

peace.

soundtrack: coldplay: in my place/trouble

oooh. i am so mad at dad right now. i come back from rehersal and here are my aunt and her little, reckless child. i think, "well, dad will take them whereever tomorrow." i wake up this morning to a quiet house. cool. take care of misty (the cat), clean up the kitchen stuff, turn on the tv.... and then i start to hear noise from the basement and up comes the reckless child. he's annoying me now as i type this. dad didn't even tell me.... and i think that dad took auntie and deliberately left the child here.... ok, i will not explode.. i will not explode.. (rant: my cousins are so lazy.. they do this everytime... just dropping auntie off here... i mean what should i expect, they're guys...)

yesterday was a good rehersal. i'm kind of hoarse (i was the only alto there) but my voice will be ready for my other rehersal tonight. other things that happened i'm not ready to talk about; maybe later.

today i have alot of cooking and cleaning to do (mom insisted that i cook for my friends coming over tomorrow; i didn't want to but the *friends* insisted). i need to go grocery shopping too. and then i have to go over this sabbath school lesson because i'm teaching it tomorrow. ugh. this weekend is not turning out the way that i expected.

peace.

AIYAH! i'm a dookie-head! and i talked to you today too...


Happy (belated) Birthday ali (ahleesan)! I wish you all the love and blessings on this very special day.


this to the girl that never forgets my birthday. much peace and love.

soundtrack: cousteau: last good day of the year

got my hair braided today; record time of 5 hours. as i sat in that chair, the senagalese woman boring holes into my skull attaching bought hair to my own, my mind began to wonder. especially to this song. i don't really know why. also another thing that i was thinking was how i always seem to wait until the last minute to do anything. i don't really like to shop, but today i realized how many things i need that i don't have. jeans, slacks, winter coat, shoes (more than the shoes and jeans that i said i needed last time). sike-a-boo. i wasn't even going to braid my hair today; yesterday, i just remembered that i would have to do something with it before school started.
also thinking .... frustration (see last entry). need i say more? i will. little mini rant/streamofconsciouscrap: i don't want to see him. i don't want to talk to him. i don't want him to hug me because i always feel the pity he has towards me. but these things will happen. and i will have to deal. end.

i can now say that naj and i are connected... twins, if you must, in a most absolutely twisted way that nobody would ever suspect. it's good knowing that you don't have to go it alone; naj is a great support and i hope that i am the same for her.
i've noticed that i've been off line for a couple days. i think more of laziness (my laptop has been in my room for days instead of connected in the living room) than anything else.

oh. i went to the dentist yesterday. lots of blood and bits of gums on my napkin bib. yes, pain too. 'you don't floss,' she told me. well, no beans! you wanna give me some free floss? i didn't even have to say anything about the chipped tooth; "you want to take care of this today?" sure. i didn't really have anywhere to go and it was such a pain to get an appointment just to clean my teeth. an hour and 1/2 later, i had porcelain filling and a warning: i can never bite into hard things ever again ("it's like fine china... FINE CHINA!". i've been breaking food into pieces and shoving them in mouth. biting on the side of the mouth would be too much of a risk for me.

i've been swallowing books whole. no. not literally (literary.. hahaha... funnie!). i haven't spent any money on books (the books on the side, i haven't read yet) this summer and they way my spending is going now and the lack of a job, i don't think i will. so i have been reading books over and picking up random books (the boys that i watched this summer loved going to the library) and reading them in a couple of hours. it worries me, this reading of 400 pages in 6 hours.

the other cousins. the one with the house in the baltimore suburbs. they want me to come live with them for the school year... i think. or maybe they're just offering to let me crash when i don't want to go home. (damn my afternoon and evening classes.) i don't know; i need to talk to them. they're never there, they work so much; i wonder if they even sleep in their own beds. is that where they want me to sleep?

this weekend. mom and the brothers are going on a mini vacation somewhere in upper new york state. dad is going somewhere in NJ. and i will be at home. having a party busy with many, many rehersals and performances. what unexplainable joy. rehersals start tomorrow. if it's blogable, i'll let you know (haha... get it.. cos i'll blog about it... i made another funnie!)

i should blog more often.

peace.

soundtrack: the thingie in the basement that makes noise

ugh. bbq = frustration. we have a rehersal this thursday and he's my ride. oh frustration. i can't stand to be in a car for an hour with him. lo frustration. i think i might take the metro there. why frustration. talking to him on IM. frustration.

anywhoos, i also have another rehersal on friday for another group that i'm in and then performance on saturday afternoon. i think my voice is going to go.
today was my last day babysitting; the kids and the mother all gave me hugs. they're so cute.

car is jacked up; no brakes. have to go salvage now. at 9.50 in the evening. i don't understand either. will write better next time.

peace.

soundtrack: various

*you have been warned: this is a blah entry*

busy weekends i've been having i tell you. rehersals, memorial services, rehersals, ceremonies and even more rehersals. i'm tired. but i still need to go out and get some shoes and jeans. shoes to wear to school and church schools. mom does like the fact that i've been wearing flat sandals for most of spring and summer. my jeans are too big; the rear just flaps in the wind. the running has paid off somewhat. i don't want to go shopping though. i don't feel like it. is there something wrong with me?

"are you ready to start school?" everybody keeps on asking me. maybe the reason why they're so excited is because they're actually moving out of their houses and moving back on campus. i'm not and thus there is no joy. it's just biochemistry. i wanna get it over with.

my cousin called me about two weeks ago. "you wanna be my bridesmaid?" so, i'm going to be a bridesmaid. i have never participated in a wedding before and i've only atteneded one. i'm excited.

blah. peace.

soundtrack: erykah badu: A.D. 2000

ahhh. my day off. i'm trying to order my textbooks (off amazon) and running into a couple of snags. i'm saving 70% though. whoodoggie. (oh tekla, i'm sorry. sike-a-boo (-boo) is something like 'aww man'. people always get confused because they associate 'sike' with 'just kidding'. i'm sorry everybody.)

i actually had time today to look through my stuff. equilibrium is down; sorry. i'm looking for another place for it. my guestbook still had the old color scheme, so i changed that too. sign. sign guestbook. thanks to those who did. i reset the counter; it was never accurate anyways.

i feel like i need to write again. something really full of substance. i started something yesterday; just something. not a story. i just took my pen and wrote. i have all this creativity just bursting to get out, but not enough time to sit down and organize it all. so many things that i have to do you guys. somebody just called and asked me to do something and i said yes. sike-a-boo.

marcus, you've been gone awhile. i miss your wit. ger: girl, how was europe? i send my greetings also to tek, yvette, onye, ali and veen. i should go run today but i'm feeling lazy and all the work that i need to do that supposedly had time to do has not been done. have to cook.

what's the right way of asking this? i don't want the person to be threatened... ahhh anyways, i'll just ask. could the person that visited from UMBC late saturday night/early sunday morning email me. just wanna say hi.

peace everyone.

soundtrack: adult swim

so i ended up working this week, even though i had all this stuff that i already had planned (many, many rehersals); money is always good though.

on thursday, i woke up to the sound of my cell phone ringing. it was crispy wondering where i was. i had already agreed to help a friend of ours move out of her summer dorm to her fall dorm at howard university. i was late. really late. in 30 minutes, i hastily cleaned my face, threw on some clothes, returned calls that i missed while i slept (the dentist and my other friend that i have yet to call back since then) and called mom to let her know where i was going. i caught the (metro) train to largo, looking around often and keeping my bag close to my body. crispy came around 1.30 and we were on our way to DC.
i like howard; every other person has an afro or twists or dreads. i was greeted and smiled at, something i would never expect from UMBC. i saw ayanna from road rules (semester at sea) cross georgia avenue; she stared at me as i stared at her. crispy has this tendency to get lost even though she's not lost and it took us 20 minutes after being on campus before we stopped in front of the towers. moving stuff for just one person took longer than we thought it would (friend and i moved the stuff while crispy stayed with the car; what a workout) and it was already almost 5 as we rushed through rush hour to pick up butterwrecka in baltimore.
we got back to crispy's house around 7 and finally started rehersal; it was awsome. by that time, i already took off my cornrows; crispy was going to hook me up. as crispy braided, friend mentioned how she saw JK walking around campus; apparently, he's working at HU. so that's where he's been hiding himself. i was moody and silent as i thought about it. by the time i washed, dried my hair and crispy did her magic, it was already too late for me to catch the train all the way home. by the time we got to where i parked the car earlier that day, it was already midnight. it was an exhausting but enjoyable day.

of course, i was tired watching the kids on friday and i would of gone to sleep mad early that day but i had a play rehersal at church. today, in the afternoon, we went hiking in rockville. it's hard for me to cycle, somewhat strenuous to run. it seems that the only physical activity that i'm able to do well is hike. i put one some 99.99% DEET to keep the bugs away; i'm been getting bit more lately.
i should go to sleep. T and i are supposed to be going to this festival, but i don't think it's going to pan out; when i called him, it sounded like he forgot or that he didn't want to go anymore. he's... i don't know. i think i set my expectations too high. called ash and she ranted about the MCAT and med school application fees. she dropped by T's awhile ago; she was in the neighborhood. that's just another issue.

i never seem to be the girl. late night stranded at your boyfriend's older friend/mentor's house in a black party dress and gold heels that you took off your feet a long time ago. "i always seem to get myself in these situations," you say about the fact that you don't have a change of clothes, to the mentor's daughter, as you go off to bed, your strap golden heels in one hand and your party purse in the other.
and the thing is, i'm going to have to cook breakfast for them tomorrow morning.

i haven't really been having good or bad days, just kind of mixed up ones. you know, you're feeling like crap and then you remember the stuff that you got. medium days.

that's a feeling i want, but don't miss.

peace.

soundtrack: lauryn hill: just like water

(wow. two blogs in one day; edit note: in the last entry, i meant 8th continent and not 8th element; my bad.)

i feel bad. i told myself that i wouldn't download any of lauryn hill's new stuff and i would buy the CD instead. i just couldn't help myself. i caught the end of the video of this song on day on mtv, so i downloaded it. it's nice.

i didn't expect the lady that i babysit for to call me this evening. the neighborhood girl that was supposed to sit this week is still out of town and the boys miss me anyways, so i'm working tomorrow and friday. i guess the more money the better; i'm paying for my own schoolbooks this year (like i wasn't before?). even though it's only two classes that i'm taking, it's looks like it's going to be $300.

current convo (w/jam):

chiiq: i mean, like, i don't know if i could go to school overseas
g: ooh okay.
chiiq: yeah
chiiq: i'm just a kind of ... i don't know the word
chiiq: attached person
chiiq: it's hard for me to detach from places
g: and people?
chiiq: well, people have grown unreliable to me nowadays, so i'm getting over that
g: okay.
g: my bad.
g: i guess i'm unreliable then.
chiiq: no
chiiq: not you
chiiq: other people
g: it's okay. I ain't reliable all the time.
g: i'm human after all.
chiiq: people i though where my friends
chiiq: friends for a long time
chiiq: just lying to me and whatnot
g: yeah, like me.
chiiq: more than just being unreliable
g: i did that at least two time consistently.
g: around your birthday.....
chiiq: trust me, you're not as bad as my so called friends
chiiq: i forgive you
g: thanks.
g: I guess I was just trying to be nice....tricking you into suprise parties and all....
chiiq: harharhar
chiiq: those are nice surprises
chiiq: i've had nasty ones. unexpected ones.
g: yeah, but it will be okay.
chiiq: i don't know if it will be ever ok
chiiq: i forgive them, but i still just don't understand why

peace.

soundtrack: daft punk: something about us

i was roaming around the new target that opened in the nearby mall when who should i see coming round the corner? LS. the guy from middle school that i had a crush on. the guy that turned weird in high school (he said that his goal in life was to become a KFC manager). the guy who's brother went to africa and drove a saab. a feeling of dread came over me and i tried to look as inconspicous as possible as i ducked into the ... sanitary napkins aisle.
i don't know. i don't want to see people. this is just less motivation to meet me in person.

i smell like medicated gold bond powder and cortaid; my summer rashes and bug bites have reached their peak. i'll stay inside for the rest of the summer, thank you very much. i got bit several times just standing outside talking to al's roommate (who happens to live in our neighborhood) for like 15 minutes. i got bit again on the same foot; it's so swollen, i can't put on my sneakers. is it alright that i didn't go running last night (and i won't go today) because i would cause extreme pain to thus swollen foot? i feel guilty. i always make myself feel guilty.

i switched to a vegan diet about three weeks ago. it's basically a vegetarian diet without dairy products (including eggs). the hardest part is remembering to read the food labels for butter and milk and whatnot. i'm not anal; if i eat a muffin, i won't run to toliet in disgust. 8th continent soy milk tastes just like milk, i swear. i don't miss the eggs and use olive oil instead of butter. i don't feel like things have changed internally, like when i changed to a vegetarian.

i'm off for the rest of the week. trying to get my stuff back together for school, studying for GREs, writing a statement of purpose and looking at graduate schools. also trying to make a dentist appointment; the secretary sounded cross when i told her that i would like to have my teeth cleaned before school starts. she's supposed to call me back. supposed to.

peace for your day.

soundtrack: daft punk: one more time

after church, i slept for 8 hours. no real particular reason why; i just sort of fell into bed and fell asleep. the thing is, i'm still tired.

i'm trying not to make it a habit. i never have time to post on fridays though:

1. What is your lineage? Where are your ancestors from? you know, that infamous country where the say life began, Kenya.

2. Of those countries, which would you most like to visit? there is only one and i've been there many times.

3. Which would you least like to visit? Why? n/a.

4. Do you do anything during the year to celebrate or recognize your heritage? people think that i (or that i should) celebrate kwanza, but some people fail to realize that it's a holiday created by african americans rather than created in africa. i'm not knocking the holiday or anything like that, but it's just not something that our family celebrates. we don't really have any traditions because we often get together as a family (any reason as long as there's kenyan food). just being around the many different facets of my family is enough for me to celebrate and recognize my heritage. i look in the mirror and see kenya. my natural hair, colorful african clothes and wraps; this is how i celebrate my heritage.

5. Who were the first ancestors to move to your present country (parents, grandparents, etc)? actually, the first person that i can recall that moved to the us was on my dad's side. i forget how he's related cos i just call anyone older than me 'uncle'. he's a doctor in NY and used to work for the UN. because of him, my dad was able to come to the us and begin his studies here. my brothers and i are first generation kenyan americans. i feel a real connection with my cousins and other people that are first generation; i guess it's just the experiences and problems that we face. they're unique.

soundtrack: primetime (abc) fox 5 news

i woke up this morning and something bit me on my right index finger. might it be bed bugs? eww... this is not the first bite (the last one was on my ankle).

i went running today in the evening, right before the thunderstorm threatened to come through. i feel good; it's been awhile since i've exercised. that's really bad; i'm working on it. after babysitting the kids, i was just wiped out; watching two hyperactive kids and trying to study for the GREs inbetween.

oh, the interesting life i lead. i know. please. hold your applause.

i'm tired. i'm out. peace.

edit: aieee! tekla is back! welcome back girl!