soundtrack: cowboy bebop: the farewell blues/ words that we couldn't say

wow. three blogs in one week. i guess to make up for the fact that i'll be swamped at the end of this week; damn you, biochem lab!

he emailed me. finally. after months and unanswered emails. i miss you, he says. his words leave me feeling melancholy and pensive. i'm floating back to those cloud nines that i'm so desperately trying to get away from. i need to be centered. grounded. do you mean it this time? do you really promise?, i ask him. i'm floating.

people that have graduated last spring are finally emerging in southern medical schools or local graduate ones. some, i suppose will never emerge back to the ones they left behind (@ umbc) and quite content leaving it that way. some of them i miss and some of them i want to stay away. ponder that one and get back to me.

ok. i've been dragging this out long enough.

goodnight. peace.

(happy late birthday, yvette. much blessings on the 22nd year)

soundtrack: u2: the sweetest thing

i woke up this morning at 5am, with only three hours of sleep and shooting pains in my right sholder. i thought i was having a bad dream; the doctor injected me with something painful. but then as i started to wake up, i started to realize that this pain was real. i tried to go back to sleep, but it was still bothering me. it felt like a bee sting. so i turned on the lights and threw back the covers and there was a bee crawling around. i feel so violated. out of the whole family, i seem to be the only one that ever gets stung. the bee hive goes down tomorrow.

woke up and went to the gym @ school. i was in a kind of it's-all-about-me-and-working-out mood and bbq was just interrupting it; everywhere i turned, there he was. even running on the treadmill. despite all that, i had a pretty good workout. running through the commons for breakfast, i ran into T, a nice morning surprise since i never see him until after noon. we hung out (he was 'stalking' me) until his class @ 10. wrote up some biochem lab stuff, went to a scholars meeting, then lab.

god. lab was horrible. what i don't understand is why plan experiments that take the whole day to do when you know we only got four hours to do it? original started the experiment planned for this week while i was supposed to finish analyzing the data from last week's lab. i would of gotten some work done if they had the proper equipment; i waited for nearly two hours before i could start analyzing AND then the TAs (we have more than one... this is biochem) were trying to blame me because i didn't finish analyzing. there were alot of heated emotions in the air today. it's just so much...

i know that today is the first day of autumn, but dang it sure got brisk real quick. i'm forcing myself into a reality check; i've been spending too much time dreaming on those cloud nines.

peace.

soundtrack: library chatter

isn't it funny how things happen? this is what i was telling T as we were walking to my car friday afternoon. after class ended at 4. i ran to the library to find a paper for the paper than i have to write for tomorrow. i found one online and i tried to print, but my red ID, with my account that i locked when i lost it and i though would be activated when i got a new one, wasn't activated. it just so happened that one of my friends was there and i used her card. i used the bathroom and walked out exhausted; it was finally the end of this horrible week. somebody called my name and it was T rounding the corner, coming from class. 'isn't it funny how things happen?' i told him. his little antics, his words, his presence, just made my day.

i used to have this really bad tendency to fall flat on my face for the sole reason that i was a clusmy person. or so i thought. yeterday was the first time in a long time that i fell flat on my face because i was clumsy; i wasn't looking where i was walking and i tripped on the carpet. oh, don't forget to mention the fact that this ALWAYS happens in public. this time it was at church. people were asking me if i was ok, with amused looks on their faces while i tried to play it off and looked around, hoping that my mom didn't see me ('why you just go falling about like that,' she would say.). my arms and left side of my body are a bit bruised and sore. there is still reason for me to fear my own legs.

i'm feel dirty and sticky. i'm at umbc, trying to get some studying done (and look where i am right now?) before my study group gets here. i hate my car; no ac. and it was especially hot today (thus the dirty and sticky). i'm really, really starting to hate driving alot now. i need to find a place up here somewhere. i know. i'm complaining. but i'm tired, sticky and sore. so blah.

peace.

soundtrack: coldplay: trouble

this week has been blah. my experiment in biochem lab is an utter mess and failure. i've only been to the gym once this week; i lost my card and now, my hamstring (i think that's what it is) is cramping up from sitting on that stupid lab stool watching my sample drippity-drop into millions of tubes.... tubes that i have yet to analyze. it's all just one horrible, evil circle and i can't stop the freakin' ride.

no. but really. i noticed that my life seems to go around in a circle; the feelings, emotions and things that i do are circular. on the other end of the circle, i think i have cured myself of everything, but alas i find myself back at square one and i'm trying to get away from there...again. it always seems like i'm trying to run away ... but i keep on running back to the same place.

school has almost been in session for a month and ... i can't believe i'm saying this but... i'm sick of driving. i used to go all out; 85 mph and jamming. now, my hand massages my forhead as i go a measy 70 mph. i have already spent $50 on gas this month. this is crazy. i'm looking for an apartment near campus, but everything is so expensive.

is this week semester over yet?

peace.

soundtrack: ian pooley: what's your number (jazzanova remix)

school sucks. i lost my red ID card on monday because i was stupid enough to put it in my back jean pocket. so i couldn't go to the gym today and i have to go and get a new card... $15. ewww.

my lab didn't work monday (due to equipment failure), so original and i had to go back in yesterday. this time, there was something wrong with the sample. argh! we're 10 hours behind everybody else and it's just frustrating me. i have to go in early and trying to get the damn thing running. frustration.

i haven't been getting much sleep, despite the fact that i don't sleep well (i get hot and i toss and turn).

whatever. i'm killing time.

peace.

soundtrack: badly drawn boy: cause a rockslide

(the song is stuck in my head)

it was a crazy monday. worked on lab report til 4 in the morning and then woke up at 6 to go to the gym. triple threat is always there, but i still had a good workout. did the write up for the lab that i had today (which made absolutely no sense at all..). i was in the library lobby, writing furiously (not frantically at this point), my brow creasing in furious thought over this lab that didn't make any sense, when a tie fell on my paper. well, it didn't really fall because it was connected to a shirt, which belonged to bbq. i looked up and our faces were inches apart. he looked at me, with a smile and i ... sniffed my nose. because it was starting to run. he said something, but i didn't hear because my mp3 player was blasting. i didn't ask him to repeat it and he waved and walked in the library. i smiled to myself.

went to a scholars meeting. saying hey to people that i haven't seen in awhile. ran into ash and T. as ash animatedly went on about some point, capturing everybody else's attention, i looked over at T. he smiled and winked. and i smiled too.

in the meeting, at this point, writing furiously because i had less than an hour before lab. went to lab, write up not done. write crap and proceed to do experiment that doesn't work. stayed trying to save what was left until i realized that i was late for tutoring. not for me, for i was the tutor. got back in enough time to remind somebody what density and direct proportionality truly is. late sugar eating causing uncontrolled hyper dancing and goggle wearing. now, sugar low and tired, watching leno, waiting for conan. crazy monday.

oh. i got stopped by cop on I-95 yesterday; i swear, this is only the second time ever since i started driving that i have been stopped. so, i turned off the radio, rolled down my window and with a solemn face and hands in my lap, waited for the cop to walk up. maybe it was because i was dressed up because i just came back from a singing gig, maybe it was because every sentence i said ended with a 'sir', or maybe simply it was because i happened to stop behind a stopped minivan struggling to change a flat tire. he didn't give me a ticket. the funny thing was when i got on 95, i was driving right behind this unmarked cop car and i knew it was a cop and then i proceeded to, with increased speed, pass him by. my bad.

you know what else happened sunday? our mailbox got stolen. i didn't even notice it until al pointed it out as we went to the car so i could drop him back to school. random vandalism; other mailboxes were knocked down along the road and toilet paper hung in trees. we found the mailbox a little bit down the street and cemented it back in place. their bad.

my eyelids are quite heavy.

peace.

soundtrack: badly drawn boy: cause a rockslide

it's saturday night and i'm working on biochem lab; i have no life.

sometime late thursday night and early friday morning, crispy and i talked about things. bbq, who i just can't seen to get out of my mind now; it seems like it will never leave me. and T and where that's going. i don't know where it's going. i don't think it's going anywhere and i don't know how to feel about that. we also talked about my relationship with ash. some of this stuff, i just never had the oppertunity to get out, so it felt good doing that.

sometimes i feel like i'm running in circles. everybody else knows except me, but they just don't have the heart to tell me.

watching the maryland/florida (football) game. hmm. maryland needs to work that out.

*grunts*

peace.

soundtrack: randomness

it's random silliness over here. i'm on campus and i'm in crispy's room and we're acting like fools. pure fools. and i'm spending the night, did i mention that? i was supposed to get some work done, but i haven't yet.

my new motto: there's always tomorrow morning.

i was talking to jam awhile ago. it's the funniest thing: him, bbq and av live together and they all go to the gym together and workout mondays, wednesdays and fridays. i was kinda suprised when i decided to go the the gym early this wednesday morning, in the weight room, and the 'triple threat' was there, working out. sike-a-boo and a bag of cheese. after, i finished my biochem lab early. i had a good day that day.

ok. the sugar is starting to wear off now and i'm getting tired.

peace.

soundtrack: mr. scruff: get a move on

i should be doing work, but i'm not. i need to do lab stuff for tomorrow and start memorizing amino acids, but it can wait. i can never do work at home anyways. i work well under pressure.

i guess somebody thought that it would be fun to dig all these people from my past and place them all on campus. i was working out yesterday and this girl passed by me on the machines. she looked at me quite perculiar way, like she knew me, but couldn't place me in her mind. she also looked familiar, but it took me awhile to place her. after i left the gym and i opened the door to my car, it hit me like a ton of bricks. i went to high school with this girl. we went out with the same guy. at the same time. this guy just happened to be B.
we were never friends (even though she believes that we were/are), so i have nothing to say to her. and i don't plan to say anything to her. i saw her today; she's in my biochem class i think. i don't want to care anymore. so i won't.

after class, i was planning on going to the gym, but then the lazy bug bit and i sat outside the commons for a bit, before i finally decided that i should go. as i was walking there, i ran into my old roommate (from sophmore year) and she bubbled, "i'm pregnant!" it wasn't a planned thing, but she (and her boyfriend and her mom) were happy about it. i have the vision that all my friends will have babies before they reach their 30s and i will be childless. i don't find the childless part as disturbing as the babies before 30 part. doesn't matter... i'll be an aunt to hundreds of children.
another comment that my old roommate made to me today (i drove her to her car so she wouldn't have to walk across campus), is what i noticed alot of people have been saying or people that i haven't seen in awhile: you haven't changed. you never change, you always stay the same. ok. you might find some comfort and resolution in the fact that somethings never change, but i don't want to be that person. partly due to genetics and partly due to my lack of adventure, i am still the same. but i'm tired of people telling me that and because of that, i *will* change. i don't particularly know how yet, but i know it won't be illegal or life treatening.

watching the news and listening to bbq scold me, i feel bad that i didn't vote today. but then again, i had no idea who was running (other than governor and county council) and i would of voted because their name looked pretty. but you know what? all the people that i would have voted for are winning or won, so it's all good in the hood. bbq came all the way home (we live near each other) to vote. well. good for you. you want a star or somethin'?
talking about bbq, a friend asked me, "so why don't you try something with him?" trying to pursade me to believe that he's single and that i still have a chance. i'm just tired of trying to figure it all out. it's just too much. i need to stop thinking that way.

well, i sure didn't get any work done tonight. there is always tomorrow morning.

peace.

soundtrack: law and order

this weekend was tedious, tiring and not long enough. early friday afternoon, crispy and i hung out outside in the sun, running into people that i would never run into thanks to to my funky schedule. ghettoness and laughter insue. it was nice. later, i got out of class early. it seemed like fate that i would run into someone that haven't seen in awhile. someone that would bring back feelings .... feelings i thought i got past. i don't think she knew that i knew; it would of been inappropriate for me to bust out with the 'why's'. i was happy because it had been so long, but i felt hurt and betrayed. everything after that seemed intensified in the negative light; so many times i was 'betrayed' this weekend. i'm still just trying to deal with it.

ugh! my house is a zoo; there are all these bugs up in here. i got stung by a bee on my knee earlier this evening and now there are mosquito bites all over the side of my face. this is just not cool anymore. everytime i get an itch or a pinch, i start to get paranoid.

anyways, i got work that i haven't started my lab yet, that's due tomorrow. that would entail me going up to campus early tomorrow morning, so that means that i would need to get a good night's sleep. so that would mean that i should go to sleep right now (and get some cortaid... these bites itch like a mutha!)

peace. goodnight.

soundtrack: typing.

i should probably blog this later. i'm supposed to be in the gym right now having the workout of my life, but i think i started way too heavy on the first day back. my muscles are tired and my brain is tired (i just got out of biochem lab). i mean... DAAAANNG! i only have two courses and i'm just way stressed out. this woman (lab prof) is asking way too much from me.... i am only one person! she wants the discussion by friday.... FRIDAY!!
since i'm not at the gym, i have a little bit of time before i drive home. (if i go too early, that would entail me cooking and i don't think so! that's not going to happen...) nobody is around either; class or the dining hall or something. i'm too tired to look for anybody so here i am.

i'm sorry. this was a bad blog. i was bored. there was more to my beginning of the week. later, when i get home.

peace, love and hair grease.

soundtrack: coldplay: in my place

i stummbled into my cluttered room around 1.30 this morning. looking over my sholder, my cell phone was blinking red. 'damn. i always miss a call.' checking the missed called logs, it was T. i realized that i haven't seen T at all this past week. called voicemail: "hey ..... i was thinking about you again..."

i was tired when my head hit the pillow, but i still had fit-ful, troubled sleep; my mind just going into overdrive. i don't know. i never know.

new cd that i want to get; coldplay: a rush of blood to the head. i like musiq, but i'm not pressed enough to get his cd anymore.

i have alot of work to do before tuesday.

peace.