soundtrack: star trek: deep space nine

whoo. i can't wait for this dvd to come out. i started reading a DS9 book i found after i did some cleaning and i started to remember how much i loved that show. pulled out some old tapes and watching them now. those were the good old days.

i don't really want to go anywhere tomorrow, much less shopping, but if it means that i don't have to help the rents paint, then i'm out of here. i already read enzyme regulation, so i can't use that as my excuse anymore. i have less than two weeks before my last final for the fall semester.

yeah. the bombing in kenya. i don't know what to say. i mean, can we vote in peace. we're just the residuals; we're never the main targets, but we always seem to be caught up in the mess. how many kenyans died compared to americans or israelis? think about that.

peace.

soundtrack: conan o'brien

came back from columbia; ended up watching the new bond movie with some of the crew (for free!). it was pretty good despite the bad reviews; just enough action and technobabble to make it realistic.

it's a good thing that those tickets were free cos i'm running low on money. the savings are dangerously low while i have been desperately looking for a molecular biologist vacancy. now, i'm looking for a seasonal one. might even go back to babysitting for winter break. anything. i'm desperate. but not desperate enought to set up a website to recieve money from unsuspecting strangers. i'm able and i can work; so that wouldn't be fair.

whoohoo. thanksgiving. even though i have to read about enzyme regulation and my family can get on my last nerve, at least i don't have to be at school. yay.

sleepy, so i'm going to sleep.

soundtrack: will and grace

i can finally breathe; it's finally over. today was the last day of lab.

last week was just stress and anger all rolled up into one. every night, somebody was yelling at somebody as joking turning into bitter words and silent studying in respectible corners. The exams went pretty well; i knew all of the material, let's just hope that i wrote everything that they wanted.
i ended up driving home late every night; i just didn't want to sleep on crispy's couch. and next semester, i won't have to. that's right, yours truly has recieved housing on campus for the spring semester. i don't know how i feel about moving back to the place that i detest so much, but it's away from home, right? and it's spring semester, which tends to go better for me than fall. actually, now that i think about it, this semester is the best fall semester that i have ever had here at umbc. i don't know; it's weird. liberating. just a couple more weeks and then it will be truly over.

i was really tired when i woke up this morning. even though i didn't want to, i dragged myself to the gym. this morning, an old friend was working the desk and ended up talking to him for an hour or so instead of doing my usual workout. talking bout people. bbq in particular. am i always the last one to know? well... i am always the last one to know. original tried to tell me earlier last week, but i shut her out, humming loudly and sticking my thumbs in my ears. ignorance after all is bliss, right? my unconsciousness was telling me a different story; a dream of bbq sobbing about how nobody loved him and me fumbling around in a useless manner. so today, old friend was telling me about how bbq's breakup was old news. like last spring semester old news. like my unconsciousness, i'm confused and i don't know what to do with this information. i have other thiings on my mind now.
i'll call him magic hands because his hands work magic on my back. stress had caused the muscles in my back to just tie up in knots. he offered to give me a massage and i accepted. his generosity towards everybody that he meets is what takes me by surprise. whatever i need, he gives me. do i deserve this? i don't know.

what i do know is that i'm done for the rest of this week. gonna go to school tomorrow, play some pool, go to biochem lecture and then go watch a movie with the crew. but before that? sleep. of course. precious sleep.

peace. and goodnight.

soundtrack: typing.

As Moi Prepares to Leave, Many Kenyans Dare to Dream

(read it and you'll understand)

peace.

soundtrack: leno and conan

i'm tired and want to go to sleep. this is the second time that i'm writing this up since i was stupid and i refreshed the page. i'm tired, what can i say?

anyways, for the first time in a month, i ran into ash. she hasn't been able to contact me due to some circumstances and i have such a short attention span, i forget to call anybody. anyways, we sat and talked for about 1/2 hour. for some reason, people seem to think that i have drama, when it's really the people that come up and talk to me that do. she starts to tell me about T and her and i have to hold in an exasperated sigh so i won't be rude. don't i already know where this is going? apparently, things are at a head between the two. ash is not interested in what T has to offer (and is finding it somewhere else) while T desperately sits at home, waiting for her to change her mind. the key word here is desperation, which is a part of his personality that i noticed but is now starting to scare me.
"he needs a woman,' ash says to me jokingly and i try to force a smile. 'but he would probably sufficate her,' she added.

now things have flipped and i'm starting to reconsider where things are going between T and i. i don't want to be the 'replacement'. i don't want to be smothered. i don't want to react 'fatal attraction'.

anyways, i don't think i'll be around here until thanksgiving. so happy thanksgiving y'all. peace.

soundtrack: india.arie: the truth

the end of this month is going to be hell. i have two biochem exams next week, various biochem labs and formal lab reports due. stuff is just not working out for these last two experiments; we're almost done with the last one... just one more day of lab and then i'll be done with labs at UMBC for my undergraduate career for the rest of my life! bless their souls, the prof. decided to end lab before thanksgiving; and for that, i am truly thankful.

somebody bought me vanilla coke yesterday. i'd been avoiding it since it came out. it's not like regular coke (well duh!); it's usual acidic nature (which is what i so happen to love about coke) is replaced my the smoothness of vanilla extract. i don't like it. but the dude bought it for me, so i drank it. it's ok.

i finally opened my india.arie CD. i like it; it's very honest about things. beats are catchy too; i find myself bobbing my head. it's nice because she says that she writes the songs for herself; things, situations that happen to her, unlike alot of other artists out there. yet, you can still find some truth for yourself out of her songs.

ever since my other camera got conficated by the federal government (please don't ask me now... i'm getting angry just thinking about it), i've been missing oppertunities to take pics. i keep on begging for a digital cam for christmas; it would be so much easier for me, since i hardly have the money to develop my pictures in the first place and because of that, it takes me about a year to develop. any suggestions anybody?

it was almost fate or something. i ran into T twice yesterday; in the morning and after lab, in the evening. i finally realized what was 'wrong'. usually he calls me throughout the day, especially mon, wed. and fridays. just to say hi or that he's 'stalking' me. he hasn't been calling because he's busy with classes too.
'why are we here? at umbc?' he asked me yesterday morning as a group of prospective students walked by in wonder, like they had never seen a college library before. if i had another chance to do my undergraduate studies all over again, i don't know if i would pick UMBC. i have my pros and cons about it. really don't have the time to get into it. it's a good place. you have to be serious. but then it can be overdone. is this how it's at in harvard or yale?

i need to be doing other stuff; studying biochem. balancing my checkbook, practicing my solo. later.

peace.

soundtrack: cousteau: last good day of the year

today must of been the last good day of the year. unseasonably warm weather yesterday and today, i awoke to a lightning bolt right outside my house. those storms moved around here early this morning; i would of never guessed from last night (i hadn't watched the news recently). despite the tornado warnings, the warm weather was nice.

girlfriend braided these cornrows way too tight; 'tight like she was your daughter,' my friend said as she watched me wince ever so often in agony. she braids tighter than mom. geez. skin's pulled back to the 'surprised' look. ugh.

despite the tornado warnings and large amounts of rain, i went to school early. worked out; good workout today. met M like i usually do in the library. she's back in contol now; several reality checks. actually one of the boys (not the birthday one) talked to her about it and somehow set her straight, something that i forever tried to do. you can tell the difference though; everything and everyone is toned down. somehow the day didn't turn out as well as it had started. somewhere mid-morning, i just got into a major funk; sullen, melancholy and detached. the seriousness helped me buckle down in lab, but nothing could help the fact that things were just going to go wrong anyways. ugh! just one more left and then labs no more! of course they leave the stupidiest experiments for last; the ones that don't make any kind of sense. left lab on time but in a depressed mood. things are better now though.

something's going on between T and i. no, it's not good. i noticed that i haven't seen him around lately and i'm beginning to think if it's because when i do see him, i'm always in such a foul mood. usually he brushed it off, because he knows how i get sometimes, but this last time, he was kind of taken aback by my sharp tounge. part of me could care less because he probably deserves at least a little bit of it, but the other side is wondering wtf is going on. i don't know. hmm. i'm sensing a reoccuring theme here... say it with me now... CONTROL.

i should sleep. i was supposed to start studying biochem tonight, but i got in later than expected. that's what tomorrow's for. peace.

soundtrack: x-files

i'm finding it harder for me to write now. i don't know if it's because i just don't have the time or i want to forget the events that have been happening for the past couple of weeks. actually, i should be busy right now; my biochem lab final is coming up along with a side helping of biochem lecture exam next week.

the outing was good. we ate at uno's at the inner harbor and then went to play at espn zone. birthday boy who claimed that he didn't drink, drank two glasses of white wine ( i don't think he's studying any biochem tonight...). M drank two glasses of red before we even reached espn; she had a nice buzz going, which only led to sitting in the corner and pondering about things later in the evening. i don't know if i just look like the type of person that people love to tell their problems or dilemmas, but people talk to me nonetheless. the relationships that are forming between certain people in our crew are dangerous; innocent, friendly flirting can turn into something unwarranted very quickly. control seems to be the key to all this. M feels a bit out of control. i feel a bit too, even though i think i'm more in control of things than she is.
i don't know why i climbed in the car with him instead of getting in the back seat with M and the birthday boy, in the other car. i could of gotten my coat later. i always seem to get myself into these situations; driving alone with boys. his car was nice, roomy and warm. we talked in hushed quiet tones about school and life after UMBC, ever so often, his hand would graze my arm, watching me look out at the cityline. i don't know. i have to stay in control.

anywhos, it's another week starting tomorrow (today). sleep awaits me. goodnight. peace.

soundtrack: maroon 5: this love

i finished 1/4 of my paper analysis; tying to finish it before sunday, so i can go out with the crew and play (taking the boy out for his birthday).

this week has been crazy. on monday, after lab, we went to the movies instead of studying for the biochem quiz the next day. it must of been a sign that we needed to study, because we ended up not watching anything. tuesday, after the quiz, skipped out of class and played pool with the boys. i'm still a little rusty, but now i'm hooked. i can't stop playing.
on wednesday, my girl M and i sat and talked for awhile after pool. you have to understand this about me (if you don't already know): i am a pretty conservative person. i'm not quite as wild or 'experienced' as my fellow crewmates. i have been having issues about control this whole week. i can be influenced pretty easily if i wanted to or i tend to avoid the situation all together. they can control themselves with their wild ways, but i can already feel myself spinning out. i have to be careful. also on wednesday, personal space violation (don't want to get into it... i might have nightmares again...) and such.
today, i think M and i were fightin'. i've been having serious moodiness for most of the week; snapping at people (with a little bit of slapping), quiet spells and overanalyzing everything. but yeah, the fightin'... it was all words masked it laughter, but we just started getting louder and louder and then we were screaming at each other, giving each other looks. it's resolved though; it's the out-of-control thing... i need to stay in control.

i'm wondering why i always seem so out of it. not happy, not sad. just here. can you believe? i actually talked to JK tonight; like....a conversation. it wasn't akward or strange; just a little catching up. it was good.

anyways, i need to sleep. messages are good when you guys leave them. i do read them.

peace.