part i: a friend of mine...

[morcheeba: fear and love]

a couple of days ago, i recieved a phone call. who would be calling for me in the middle of the day at home? 'hello woman,' the cynic voice said and i started to laugh. i knew that naj was going to be in town between christmas and new year's, but i didn't know when she was going to call me. it was already two days after christmas and i had totally forgotten. we agreed that we would meet at lakeforest mall yesterday since she was staying around there and i had a car.
naj is a friend that i met in middle school; i don't really quite remember how we met, but our personalities clicked; our contemptuous nature on school, family, the 'in' crowd and life in general. we practically did everything together except the stuff that we hated; i.e. shopping we would often compare family horror stories, each trying to beat each other out my measurement of embarrasement. it was great. we were good friends.
then around sophmore year, she told me that her dad got a job on the west coast and she had to leave. everybody was sad that she was going, but i must of been the most fretful. what was i going to do without her? of course i had friends, but none of them understood me the way she did. after about a couple of months, she called once in a while and i would catch her up on the ridiculous things going on the various social circles at school. soon though, she didn't recognize or remember the mutal friends that we had. fresh to the world wide web, i gave her my first email address, telling her that email would be better than calling on the phone (we were teens back then; we didn't have any money). a couple of months later, i got my first email and the rest is pretty much history; we've been emailing each other, updating our lives, ever since.
sitting down and talking at the starbucks cafe, naj mentioned, 'out of all the people that i would email, i just emailed you the most.' i guess somethings never change. watching her animatedly talk about life in the suburbs of seattle, i notice the subtle changes in her. gone are the huge lens glasses that she used to wear and her shy awkardness seems to be replaced with an elegance that can only be seen with the flinging of her arms and hands. i've certainly haven't changed; just a little bit louded. the shyness is gone; i know she must notice this. or maybe not, for i was never shy around her. still. between our robust conversation spurts, there was discomforted pause. even though we had been friends for so long and we emailed each other for five years, we had missed the other growing up and somehow this was unsettling.
we went to eat at ruby tuesday, still talking, about random things now. our server was upset that we didn't order anything other than veggie burgers. everytime that he would could come up and ask us if we wanted anything, he would interrupt our conversation. naj footed the bill. using a credit card, i watched as she signed her name. freshman year, we were sitting in science class, bored as hell. i was so bored, i decided that i would change my signature. i needed something more suave. practical. mature. the full name signature just wasn't going to work anymore; we were in high school now. i showed naj my new signatures, 'what about you? are you gonna change yours?' 'naw,' she said. she grabbed my pen and signed her full name with flourish.
on that credit card slip, she signed her full name. the very same way that she did freshman year so long ago. somethings never change.

part ii: why do these things happen?

[nappy roots: awnaw]

the problems with my car only seem to be getting worse. the brothers and i took it out for a drive on friday and the knocking only seemed to get worse. al and i are thinking that it's something more that just an alignment that this car needs. so on sunday, when i went to meet naj, i took dad's car. not like dad's car is any 'newer' if better. his car seems to have problems of its own. but its hasn't been having any problems for the past couple of weeks that we have been driving it. working my way towards gaithersburg, i notice that i only have 1/4 tank of gas. but the gas light hasn't come on yet; i should be fine, but i note to myself to get gas on the way home. finally getting to lakeforest mall, looking for a parking spot, the radio begins to turn off and on by itself; phasing in and out, if you will. it's nagging me, but i found a spot and i figure whatever is wrong will solve itself by the time i go home.
three hours later, i drop naj two blocks away from the mall where she's staying. the radio starts acting up again and i turn it off to try to calm my nervousness. i decide to drive through the mall before leaving by the route to go home. i call al, telling him that the car is acting funny. i have a feeling, that's all. by this time, the onboard computer starts turning on and off by itself. the car, a manual transmission, starts jerking even though i'm firmly pressing on the gas. and then everything stops.
it's dead. i tried in vain to start the car over and over, but there's no power. the battery is dead. so dead that even the hazard lights don't work. i spend the next 30 minutes directing people to go around me and calling al again. 'what do you mean it's dead?' he asks, exasperated. 'i mean, it's dead,' i yell back, giving the clueless woman behind me the helicopter sign to go the hell around me.. why don't these people get it. i was stuck in the middle of the road, waiting for al to come, another 30 minute wait. i thought about moving the car to the empty parking lot across the street, but i didn't want to start moving and then get stuck, blocking the other lane of traffic; that would just be a disaster. SAABs are heavy ass cars; i just needed somebody to help me push the dammned thing. finally, a good samartain came along and helped me push the car a couple of feet to the parking lot and 20 minutes later, al finally arrived. even though the gas light had not come on, al had figured that i was probably out of gas and we filled the tank 1/4 way. we jump started it. it started. yes. disconnected the cables and the poor thing died again. we tried again and the same thing happened. it was starting to get late, the sun quickly going down. something wrong with the battery or with the alternator; we didn't know. we were going to have to leave it. driving home, mom calls and refused to leave it there for the night. we go back, around 8, try starting the badboy again (we couldn't convince mom that it wouldn't start). she brings along a family friend. male and i don't like him. he smokes.
i have this pet peeve about people ... well... women thinking that just thinking that having a man there will solve any problem... ugh! this guy doesn't know anything about cars, even less than al knows about cars. he didn't do anything except smoke. ugh! what a waste. anyways, the car starts this time and we drive it about half way home before it dies again. we try to call a towing company, but both (mom and i) our cells are out of range and eventually some cops pass by and call for us. 11pm arriving, 18 miles and $98 later, we finally park the thing in the garage.
two cars out of commission with one left. three people working in three different states (including the district of columbia). how is this going to work? why do these things happen?

part iii: random

[dj shadow: midnight in a perfect world]

christmas was dull. i didn't ask for anything in particular, so i didn't get anything in particular. just got some money which i'll probably spend on the last textbook that i'll ever have to buy for courses at umbc. today there was a funeral for a family friend; mostly helped with setting stuff up and warming food and stuff. i didn't want to see the body at all. seeing somebody that had life, was breathing, just laying there, dead. it was too weird; it's like they're there but not.
i have a violin solo coming up and a vocal solo on my birthday. working on thursday and waiting for the crew to come and pick me up and do something. new years eve? nothing. no plans. some winter break, huh?

anyways, the brother wants to use the internet (i was cut off by the umbc modem service cos i was spending too many hours online; have to wait till next month) and my room is a disaster that i need to go clean.

peace and goodnight.

soundtrack: nightmares on wax: capumcap

wow. christmas eve. i really don't know what i'm going to get for christmas. one of the kids asked me yesterday what i wanted. "rest," i told him. he didn't think that was very good thing to wish for, but then his mom told him by the time he becomes my age, he'll be craving it too.

i don't think that mg wanted anybody to know that his birthday was on sunday; why are men like that? anyways, i still found out and i still got him a card. nic's birthday is coming up too. she's dropping my christmas gift off tomorrow, so that would be a good time to give it to her. i don't know what to get these people for christmas... i have money, but i don't have any ideas. ugh.

i've been having strange dreams lately; i don't think i should be eating sugar right before i go to bed anymore. in this one dream, i was working in a hospital and a bunch of mexican terrorists (i have no idea where that idea came from) came in and started shooting up the place. eventually i got shot and died, but i didn't know. my spirit roamed all the way back to umbc where the biochem crew was mourning my death (not really... but they mentioned me in the past tense). when they finally realized that my spirit was around, i started communicating to them through the laptop. and then i woke up. the other dream is just too complicated to even start to explain. no more food after 9.

writing a couple of stories. post-it notes are everywhere with storyline notes. i'm working on two now and have another one running around my head. this is the first time that i have really been able to take these idea out of my head and put them on paper. usually i'm too lazy or i just sit at the laptop struggling to type words.

anyways, i need to go wrap that gift before mom gets back. merry christmas all. peace.

soundtrack: daft punk: voyager

today was an interesting day. everybody is done with finals, so IM conversations were aplenty. some cute ones (bbq), some more raunchy (mg) and some just plain silly (crispy). M drove all the way from b-more just to give me my christmas present. that girl knows me: the count of monte cristo, journal, pens, notepads. it's great; i love that girl. this break is going to be busy; the crew wants to go to the beach (even though it's cold), dinner, bowling, everything under the sun it seems.

i didn't exactly find a job. it kind of found me. babysitting the guys again. it's only for 4 days, but it's something. trying to find a temp agency and hopefully get something out of that for the month that i'll be here at home. the only thing good about not having money is not having to christmas shopping. well, i just don't like shopping in general and then add millions (ok... thousands... OK.... hundreds) of people in an enclosed area and hundreds of people that can't drive (and forget to turn on their damn lights) in a poorly-lit parking lot, then you're asking for disaster cos chi the bitch will come out and kick your ass for being one. i'm sorry; i had to say that.

i wanted to go to the graduation tomorrow, but everybody is already so strapped for tickets as it is and my car... hmm. i know my car is not a racecar, but i still drive it like it is. and now, it's suffering the consequences; i need a serious alignment (it veers off to the right ever so often) and my parking break is going. dad said to wait until he got back. so poor me is stuck driving the saab until he gets back. i cannot explain the joy that i'm feeling right now... *chi collaspes on the floor in spasms of pure joy* YES! but back to what i was saying: unfortunately.... *chi gets up from the floor, dusts imaginary dust off herself and sits back down in the chair* ... unfortunately, i won't be able to go. there are alot of people that are gonna be pissed, but the can always come to my graduation (which is free to the public by the way).

edit: thank you onye, for your words of encouragement; i really needed it.

it's all good. peace.

soundtrack: daft punk face to face

applying to some postundergraduate programs, including to the one at NIH. i feel so stupid compared to these intelligent people over here; i feel like i'm not worth enough even to apply. nic is telling me that i'm not stupid and that i'm being too hard on myself. but really: do smart people really do this bad? is a gpa under 3.0 considered average enough? al says that i could still get into graduate school; i should just explain the 21 credit fiasco sophmore year. i don't know. i feel that i could do so much better than i have done. yeah, i have mad experience and stuff, but is it enough?

today was uneventful. went out looking for some temporary work. a lot of people weren't trying to have it. it's kind of hard because i can't work through the semester cos i don't want to commute back to silver spring. i'm not apply to work at school because i don't want to commute up to baltimore during winter break (although i wouldn't mind working there through the spring). my friend is still going to put in a word for me at the lab she works at.

i would write more about other things, but i need to get started on dinner.

peace.

soundtrack: eagles vs. redskins

i have lost faith in the redskins. i tried, but i'm sorry. they suck. the ravens are fairing better against houston.

the biochem final wasn't that bad, but it wasn't the greatest in the world. when he told us that there would be two parts, each part 7 pages long, all i could do was laugh. the last two hours before the final, i spend memorizing amino acids, carbohydrates and how to draw DNA. it's over. this semester is over. whoohoo. i went back on friday to sell back some books (quick cash) and turn in my locker key. people were bitter that i was done and they hadn't even begun. what can i say? good luck on finals everyone. may we all get the grades that we deserve.

dad left the country the day before thursday. the balance in the house has been disrupted; instead of yelling at dad, mom is yelling at me. and i'm going to be home for about two months; i don't know if can take it.
so many things that i want to do during break. so many things that i have to do. apply to some internship programs, since i won't be going to graduate school right away. find a seasonal job to earn some quick cash. design some websites from some people. make a new exercise plan; i am not feeling the aerobic tapes... i have no coordination. clean my laptop, inside and out. rearrange my room. out of all these things, i'll probably go out to dinner with the biochem crew instead. hmm. that will be interesting.

al still has finals. he's waiting for a letter. i just want to drop him off already.

peace.

soundtrack: norah jones: come away with me

it's like, two people meeting for the first time at a fork in the road. one finally convinces the other to walk with them; it takes some time, but the feelings come eventually. and just then, when the one knows that the other will follow them down this road, a fear settles. the one is not so quite sure anymore and walks away.

it's been weeks since i've last seen T around. today was just by chance; i went up to school to study some biochemistry. i was leaving after some hours of fruitful studying and there he was on a computer. and there was mg, on the computer next to him.
i don't know how i feel about things now; it's all too confusing. and this is all getting too mushy; i'm starting to panic.

i was talking to bbq yesterday; i missed the GC concert yesterday (mixed reviews, so i don't feel all that bad). i asked him if he went and i automatically felt bad for asking. of course he didn't. i should have known; the conversation started off with bitterness (and apathy) about his life in general. but you know what? this too shall pass. he'll get over it. i did.

anyways, last final of the semester this thursday. it always seems that the new star trek movie always comes out the day after my last final of the semester; i find it odd yet welcoming. so i won't be here for the rest of the week (like i ever updated daily). maybe somehow after, my posts will have more substance.

i need love; leave me messages. peace.

soundtrack: ian pooley: balmes

i shouldn't be at school on a computer in the library. i should be at home watching whitney houston on primetime. i should be home so that when it snows, i won't be stuck here. but i'm still here. do you know why? because i'm going to watch triple X with the crew. hopefully, by the time the movie ends, it won't be snowing all that bad, if at all.

M and i, after our workout, went christmas shopping. or more like she went christmas shopping; i don't really have any money to spend. we started at owings mills, cos she wanted to go to macy's. the people in the morning are so damn snobby; it shouldn't matter because i'm still your customer. i ended up buying this $20 manicure and pedicure set for mom; it was a great deal and i know she'll like it because she does that kind of stuff. i, however, could care less about the state of my nails... i just keep them short.
it became apparent how M and i differ. she's more of a girly-girl; she wears makeup, she dresses up, she wears perfume. as long as my face is clear, i have a nice pair of pants and i don't stink, i'm all good. perfume makes me break out, makeup is just foreign to me and i am never comfortable in dresses or skirts (unless i really like the skirt and it's really long). i'm more tomboyish; i like college basketball while M can't quite make it out. i don't know; i find it quite funny.

been studying biochem for most of the day. that's why i'm on a computer now; i can't stand to look at that stuff anymore. we have a quiz tomorrow (if they don't cancel classes tomorrow) that i'm pretty much prepared for. just need to go over enzyme kinetics... but i can always do that tomorrow. went to dinner with M and the boys (including magic hands). i wasn't feeling the campus food (and i still ain't...), while the boy and M ate, magic hands and i looked longingly at the empty pool tables. before magic hands could finish the words, 'you wanna play a game?', i answered with a jubliant 'yes!'. magic hands is pretty good; even better than the boy. tonight just wasn't my night however. excessive laughing, whinking and lots of yelling still ensued. we all gotta keep in control cos we are getting out of control.
soon i was watching the boys pair up and play a couple of serious games with other boys. M had already left and i was watching a college bball game on espn while watching the game at the same time. i had to pry myself away; if i didn't leave, i would be yelling at the plasma screens still. i watched the maryland/indiana game after that beautiful three pointer didn't count and they went into overtime. oh so painful.

but enough about basketball for a minute. magic hands and i. dare i say it to sound so cliché: we're from two different worlds; our cultures just clash. during dinner, somehow the subject arose (oh yeah, that was me...) about parents hooking up their children. mg and i started talking about our parents 'preferences'. let's just say that mg is not what the parents prefer. when you think about it like that, it makes you wonder if things will ever progress. from the way he held my hand, maybe. but i never hold my breath.

peace.

soundtrack: tv

today was a good day. got up early and the rents were still sleeping, so i had to make breakfast and lunch for the little brother and take him to school. i was mad because the night before, i told mom that i wasn't going to do it. but i ended up doing it anyway. went to school, worked out for awhile (which was really good because i have been feeling slouchy during break), met up with M in the library, who after an hour couldn't resist going to the gameroom to watch the boys play pool. played pool with the boys....

ok, forget this recall crap. you know what really happened today? i felt absolutely self-conscious of myself. i just don't feel right with myself. not my spirit, but my physical self. it sucks because i felt bad all day. i don't know what triggered it, but it was triggered. i feel detached and isolated. there. i said it.

i just feel like sleeping.