soundtrack: nas: the world is yours

that last entry sucked so bad, i had to delete it. it was just so bad. anyways, i can't believe that it's the first week cos i'm already so busy. homework and studying and working out. trying to add classes, drop some, figure out some sort of schedule, pick up letters, apply for graduation... ok, now why do i have to pay $100 just so i can have these people look at my transcript to determine that i can graduate?! i already *know* that i'm going to graduate this may (and nobody is going to tell me any differently). don't i already pay this school enough money for things that won't benefit me anyway?

do you hate sometimes when you're right, because deep in your heart, you wish it wasn't true? i don't know if i should really talk about this, but i talk to nic about it. it's been less than a week and i'm just starting to see how self-centered M is. yes, she's 'girly-girly' and high maintence, but it seems that everything that we do has to be a competition, if it be studying or even working out. come on man, i'm your friend! nic had a family emergency this week (i live with her now; it's great); while the rest of the crew was concerned, the only thing that M could focus on was her, her boyfriend, and the boy. it's just so selfish and it's really grating on my nerves. i'm just starting to find out things that happened this past break that she didn't tell me. of course, nobody is perfect (even me), but i'm disappointed. why are you putting this great show up for me? for whom? there are just some things that i don't understand. causing drama for your mama. there are still other 'issues' with others, but you know what? it's the beginning of the semester. i'm going try not to focus so much on it and see what happens.

birthday, birthday, birthday. somehow, i have lost the excitement that should come with the anticipation (it took me awhile to think of that word... i have been having multiple brain farts lately) of turning yet another year older. this is the time when college students are poorest (applying for graduate schools, etc), so i don't know if we're gonna do anything for my birthday. but it's ok. the more birthday blessings i get, the better.

class is gonna start soon. peace.

soundtrack: de la soul: eye know

i actually went out today, on the coldest day of the year, and ran some errands at umbc. i was day late paying the university bill since al took the car to work yesterday, but when i went to go pay, i found out that it didn't matter. since they (USM) are thinking about increasing tution by 5% for this spring semester, they have negated the due date for tution. that means that i'm going to pay more. not happy about that.
and then to think if i couldn't hate this university more, i went to go replace my parking pass (that mom lost when she misplaced it when the car was getting fixed) and i was shocked to find out that there was a fee of $25. $25?! that's more than the replacement fee for student IDs. what makes it even more ridiculous is that campus parking sucks! where do they put all that money that they get from us when they give us tickets and fees.
i can't wait to get out. not like the job market is any better, but i'm thinking that anything is better than paying exorbitant fees for crap service.

lots of things are annoying me right now. friends, family, no money/job. i'm anxious about moving back on campus and starting school. i feel like i don't want to interact with the crew, that only two months before were as a group, going out and laughing it up. it seems like this whole break was just a big reality check about my role in the biochem crew. i feel too embarassed to say what revelations i made and of whom i made them with. i feel 'played' somewhat, but i only brought myself to this place out of my own free will. the only person i can change is me.
ash called me the other day and told me how hard it was for her to find a decent job while waiting for medical schools to get back to her. it's depressing. ash and i both have the grades and experience, but there's just nothing out there for us. when i told dad that lab assistants/techs make about $25,000/year, he didn't believe me. i don't know what to say. things are hard. it's depressing.

i should get out of the house and do something before my freedom is taken away from me by my biochemistry studies. maybe a nice movie will do. it's way too cold outside; bitterness is what that cold is made out of. must fullfill my eldest daughter duties now (i.e. cooking dinner... ugh!)

peace and keep warm.

soundtrack: conan o'brien

i haven't been sleeping all that well for the past couple of days. when i finally fall asleep, i'll periodically wake up at odd hours in the night. i end up waking up late the next day, mom screaming in my ear to get the hell out of bed.
i feel couped up. usually i walk off the anixety/depression/anticipation, but i refuse to go outside in this horrendously bitter cold morning. why is it so bitterly cold? what is up with the weather?

timon's birthday is this saturday. exactly 7 days before mine. he's approaching mid-teens; good lord, i'm old. well, 23 is not old, but it's nearing mid-20s and supposedly someone told me, after that, it's all over. but what do i know... i'm still young. i can usually tell how much i have grown by my writings. last night, i found my journal from my late high school/early college (yeah, it wasn't that long ago) and i cringed at how childish my words were. i'll probably do the same thing when i look at these words 3-4 years from now. always growing; all the time.
i was thinking about giving myself a domain as my birthday gift, but i don't have the financial stability yet to even start thinking down that road. i would ask to be hosted, but then again it's the whole money issue. my designing skills are lacking and i don't have time to improve on them. i don't know; i need to get the creative juices flowing somehow.
talking about gifts... i don't usually do this, but what the hell i thought. to your right, there is a wishlist. if you feel inclined, i thank you in advance of thinking of me. i still love birthday wishes through email/IM/etc. any way, i still feel the love.

i'm going to try to get some sleep. peace and goodnight.

soundtrack: soul hooligan: soul searching

i really didn't want to write anything about this, but i feel empassioned to do so. affirmative action. as a young african american female, i do benefit from such programs. i probably wouldn't be here today if it wasn't for affirmative action; a biomedical research program influenced my descision to go into biomedical research. when i was younger, i didn't understand the purpose behind aa. people aren't racist; that was a long time ago. unfortunately (and i learned the hard way), people still are. and unfortunately, when i look around my unversity i still don't see the diversity that our country claims to have. and thus for these reasons, i still feel a need for affirmative action. but mind you, i don't use that as an excuse not to do my best along with other minorities that are given the chance. i would like nothing else to prove that affirmative action is unnecessary, but people are still amazed by my 'extraordinary' intelligence, while others call me 'oreo'. but that's another issue.

anyway. did you know that it's illegal in maryland to leave your car running unattended? it's also a good way for your car to get stolen. oh, the things you learn on local news.

peace and goodnight.

soundtrack: thievery corporation: the richest man in babylon

i got my packet yesterday. looking through it, i have to sign to wavier or recieve a menigiitis vaccine. i have this thing about vaccines; i don't take them. i do take the necessary ones, but ones like flu and menigitis, i choose not to take. yes, vaccines are a precaution, but then you could get sick from taking the vaccine itself. i am very catious about what i eat, drink, who i'm around and that i do wash my hands, etc. past roommates thought i was absolutely out of mind, but then i pointed out the fact that they got sick twice a year and i haven't been sick since a long while. of course if you're elderly or a child, take that vaccine (children are rather... unsanitary), but if you're getting a shot and you're 20 (the prime of our lives), you need to think about it. vaccines don't protect every strain and then what if your body becomes resistant? i swear, my doctor hates the fact that i'm a biochem major. he argues with me when i say no the menigitis vaccine. he says that i know too much for my own good. i could go on forever, but let me just stop now. end of ethical responsibility rant.

my tution is absolutely ridiculous. since i went part time last semester, my state and federal aid was taken away and now since i'm living on campus and i'm full time, the fees are killing me. and then to hear that that USM wants to increase tution midyear.... unnecessary and ridiculous. i remember when i started and room was just under $2,000. now? it's crazy. it's so depressing. to know how much money umbc recieves and how much i still have to pay to go there. ugh!

so many things going on that i'm just not willing to talk about yet. i just want to start school, keep busy, graduate, get a job, move out and live life.

peace.

soundtrack: nightmares on wax: ethnic majority

it is absolutely bitter cold outside. last time i checked, maryland was below the mason-dixon line; no matter how you like it, we in the south y'all. isn't it supposed to be warmer than this? yes, i'm biased and stereotypical. i'm just saying.

i'm getting my packet by the end of the week. bastards. i better. i'm more busy now during break than when i'm at school. solos and performances and articles and essays and applications and interviews. ugh. can school start already?

there's just too much stuff going on that's bothering me right now. i don't even know where to start, if i were even to begin. sometimes, i just wake up in the middle of the night and i don't know why. it feels like my soul is trying to tell me something, but i still don't get it. or more like my soul is trying to get me to see what i don't want to see.

i'm tired and the laptop is running out of batteries. need to start packing; moving in next, next weekend. peace, see you later.

soundtrack: oasis: wonderwall (so sue me for being stuck in my own time bubble...)

right now as i type this, the crew is out having fun; probably watching a movie. and i'm here at home. i had tutoring today; i promised the kids i would come. actually, i could of just called off and finally gotten out of the house for the first time this winter break, but i decided against it. after this whole 'thing' happened (it's just so childish and melodramatic, i won't even bother getting into it), i told nic that i couldn't come using my credible excuse.

and this is just an example of how finicky, fickle and overall picky that i am about, what it seems, everything. another example: my friend just called me on my cell phone and i didn't pick it up. i just let it ring. i'm talking bout everything i do: what i eat (i have a particular affinity to raw mushrooms and olives), what i drink (i can't stand orange juice). i won't answer the phone (even the house phone; thank goodness for caller ID), i won't call people back, i won't answer the door. i seem to make these decisions on the fly, as the phone is ringing or as the person impatiently waits on the doorstep, ringing the doorbell once again. i wasn't always like this. i suppose with the recent (as in 4-5 years ago) realization that i make my own decisions now and not my parents, i have been... making them.

oh. oh. oh. i finally got back my car tonight; the clutch is a little loose and the steering is forever stiff. you don't even know what it's been like being stuck in this house... i officially went crazy today... my fro a-flying as i ignored the ringing of the phone and doorbell and jammin' to mtv jams. tomorrow, i'm going to the mall and spending the whole day there (ok, maybe not the whole day...). deposit my money, mail my bills and... other things that i can do outside the house. i still need to get new glasses. daddy's coming back this weekend, we think. he wanted to extend his stay for the rest of the month, but we don't know if he was able to. he's supposed to call.

something weird: timon (my little bro) goes to the same high school that i went to; he's even in the same leadership program that i was in. this week he started as a tutor in the same tutoring program that i was a tutor in. what's even more weird is that he's tutoring at the not only the same elementary school that i tutored at, but the same elementary school that he once attended. and... i tutored when he was attending that elementary school. too weird.

i'm tired of calling and being put on hold. i'm tired of being transferred to the man that's never there. i'm tired of leaving messages. i just want my reslife packet; i want to move on campus already. got my bill in the mail and i haven't been charged for room and board. i mean, come on people... my last year... hell, my last semester and y'all are causing me trouble?

lastly, i have been officially kicked off cloud nine. i don't know why i keep on brushing myself off, knowing it was going to happen eventually, spend days staring up at the sky and then one day finally decide that it's safe to climb back on again, when after a couple of hours (hypothetically, of course), the cycle will begin again and i'll be knocked down from the skies. let me tell you, reality checks hurt like hell.

peace.

soundtrack: roots: break you off

happy new year everyone. 2002 was a very mixed year; good and bad. 2003 will be better simply for the fact that i'll be finally graduating from umbc (how many times have i mentioned this before?).

grades came out. results: mixed, but pretty good. Biochemistry lab? i got a B. i can't even start to explain or express the amount of blood, sweat and tears that i put into class. and to see failing grades.... i honestly didn't think i was even going to get a C. got a B in biochem lecture. kind of upset about that since i had a solid A in that class and i don't think i did half as bad as half the people did in that class. but i'm not complaining (that much). overall, good grades and if i can get two Bs and one C next semester, i can pull off that 3.0 after all.

my car is still jacked up; worse than i thought. something about cv boots and whatnot; it's gonna cost $500 (that's with the 1/2 off and 'special favors' and everything else). i'm starting to wonder if its even worth to get fixed, but i don't have enough money to get another car, so i guess it's just gonna have to do. dad's car is still sitting the garage and it will remain there until dad gets back. so except the days that i have to go to work (in which i take my uncle's car, an automatic that's starting to have the same problem that my car has and more), i'm pretty much stuck in the house, trying not to go stir crazy. writing stories (and finally finished one!), reading some books (i refuse to look at my biochemistry textbook, least of all touch it before i have to), working out (i'm really not, but i'm working on it) and just plain running around the house like a crazy woman (does that count?). the car supposedly won't be ready til the end of this week or the end of this month. ugh.

still waiting from my packet from reslife. still. waiting.

ok. that's it. scurry children. peace.