soundtrack: nightmares on wax: 70s80s

despite what anybody will tell me, i made a huge ass of myself today. in this class that we read the scientific papers, we break up into groups and the prof gives a question to discuss and then a person from the group has to come up and present their answer. anyways, these papers were ridiculous... 15-20 pages long. the way the prof picks the person to go is by drawing straws. well my friends, i didn't even get to draw a straw, i was picked by default... DEFAULT!!
i have to thank my group members though; they really prepped me on the figures and everything. after i finished hyperventilating and praying to God that i wouldn't look like a fool, i was ready to go. i went up there knowing exactly what i was going to say ....
and then the prof asks me a question and all my good intentions fly out the window and what was left? a bumbling fool. BUMBLING! ok, it wasn't that bad, i actually explained stuff. but i was still the bumbling fool; my credibility is now lost to my peers.
that was the highlight of my day.

so i hear that some students are suing USM for increasing tutition midyear. hell, i would sue too. how do you expect me to pay more money and then you just cut back the services that i pay for. it really doesn't make any sense. it's a class action suit too. i'm pondering it.

professors were blowing me today. biochem quiz and paper due next tuesday. biochem midterm two weeks after spring break?! why don't we just have no midterm and base our entire grade on the final?! forever reading papers, writing papers, reading textbooks, writing mechanisms... and it doesn't help that i have major senioritis. i'm just praying that it snows tomorrow and for the rest of the week. nothing like ... not one, but two! snow storms to jack up your last semester...

ok. i'm done complaining. i'm sleep. peace.

soundtrack: mariah carey: boy (i need you)/fresh prince: summertime

i can't get this daggone song stuck out of my head. i keep on watching the video over and over. the dude is kinda cute (and i'm not talking about cam'ron). i need some summer weather; i'm craving it. i'm tired of this snow, rain and wind. summertime reminds me of the laid-back days of summer.

the exam today was ok. i didn't do as well as i wanted to; there was a 15-pt question that i didn't get a chance to do because i ran out of time. i set up the problem though; get some partial credit out of that. i shared my disappointment with the boy while we were lifting. add that 15-pt loss with little mistakes made here and there and you're just calling for C or lower. i don't know. we'll see.
i have to thank the boy for caring. i regularly have to give myself reality checks around him. he's attractive (he's fine) to the point that i just have to keep my distance. ahhh... c'est la vie, je supposent.
really trying to work on my french; i really let myself go. i want to be able to put it on my resume that i can least translate.

crispy mentioned that she never sees me anymore. i don't know if that's more because i keep myself away or just by chance. i think it's a bit of both. it's not you, crispy, but others.. you know who i'm talking about. the only reason why they're ain't any oppertunities is cos i'm avoiding the very few that we would have.

i need to go out and go shopping. i need new exercise shoes and a dress. i think the last dress i bought myself was my prom dress. it's quite sad; i don't have time to go shopping because of school work. that and watch movies. need to rent brown sugar. i'm watching X2 when that comes out though; that look good.

totally random post. need to showa and maybe re-read some of those papers.
peace.

soundtrack: lauryn hill: just like water

i have a pchem exam tomorrow and for some reason i just can't seem to focus on studying. it's not that i don't know the stuff, but i need to go over the equations and know how to use them. i can't even write up a simple review sheet; i've been at it all day. i really need to get on the ball with this. *sigh* you see, this is what happens when you don't have school for a whole week; totally messed up my whole study ethic.

it finally came to the breaking point last friday. i called M and told her that i needed to talk to her face to face about stuff that was bothering me. i was very careful about my words, very positive. i didn't want to come out mean and harsh; i can't change her and she can't change for me, she can only change for herself, you know what i mean? it was good though. we talked for an hour. i let her know why i had been distancing myself. this whole situation was not one-sided; i made some poor choices on the way i handled things. but things are going to be better, so i'm happy about that. i don't have to go to class and worry about drama.

for some odd reason, people think i'm a player. i don't know where they're getting this idea from knowing that i have absolutely no game and no social skills to speak of. i don't have the player mentality. hahaha, if i only had some sort of game... crispy tries to give me some sort of explanation...

crispy: awwww... i'm not even sure myself... it's just your essence....
chiIQ: hahahahaha
chiIQ: my essence?
crispy: you know... like you can tell certain people are meant to be performers.......
crispy: and others are meant to be ministers.....
crispy: because of their essence....
crispy: you're meant to be a playa...
crispy: you just have to grab on to your destiny
chiIQ: BOO! whatever!

anyways. back to work. peace.

soundtrack: aphex twin: wax the nip

i finally got out of the house and i'm back at school now. i don't think anybody expected this bizzard to knock everything off its feet. I95 was ok; there was no accelerating/decelerating lane though and i had alot of near misses, as well as with the state troopers... i kept on looking back to see if they would start to follow, with their sirens and lights ablaze. umbc is closed yet another day since they still haven't shoveled main campus; when it comes to shoveling, umbc is just lazy.
i should see this as a blessing; three free days to catch up on work. i have been studying, just not as much as to catch up. i still have alot of work and reading of scientific papers and writing of analysis of scientific papers and just plain old homework. ugh! the great thing is ... only two days of school this week. yeah!

slow week. last friday i bought a pair of sunglasses from target; a belated birthday gift to myself. today, driving back to school, was the first time i got to wear them. everybody says they look like jay-z glasses or ll cool j glasses. well, it looks like i have style indeed.

i'm mad sleepy. peace and goodnight.

soundtrack: nightmares on wax: thinking of omara

have you looked out the window lately? i have looked out too many times to count; it just keeps on snowing and snowing. it started friday night; it wasn't that bad, just a couple of inches or so. and then it started up again today and won't stop until tomorrow. *sigh* i'm stuck at my parent's house... need i say anymore? of course, i was thinking this time and actually brought books with me. actually got some work done saturday night. unfortunately, i slept the whole day today only to have mom yell me awake to vacuum the house. my work is never done.
the best part is hearing the weather man say 'thundersnow'; what the hell is 'thundersnow'? he said, and i quote: "if you hear a roll of thunder, don't worry... that's just the thundersnow.." hmm.

fresh nightmares on wax; their new album just came out on the ninth. maybe i'll buy it.

peace.

soundtrack: sade: love is stronger than pride

i don't celebrate valentine's day. i never really did. all that card buying in elementary school was just a way to fit it (and my teachers and mom made me do it), which i dropped as soon as i could (middle school). i mean, imagine being me for a second. no (real) relationships. yeah, that pretty much sums it up, so what's the purpose of celebrating?

i woke up early this morning, trying to see if i could get any work in. but after getting out of bed and pulling out my books, looking at the problem that left on, i promptly climbed back into my bed and fell asleep. during that time, i had a dream. i was in church and dee's brother came back to visit. (i know dee's brother and the way he was in this dream is not the way he acts in real life. he's an attractive man, but i'm not really that into him.) he surprised me, gingerly kissing my cheek. 'i want a kiss too,' and i kissed him back. i was just grinning; everything just felt right. it was a whirlwind romance in the span of a day. walking around church, which was fairly empty, we caught up somewhat. he just came back from studying medicine in the caribbean. then one of the church members came from out of nowhere, saying how fake he was, "getting your degree from the islands". we were both upset and left.
laying in bed, he apologized using a poem from a book, a book that i already read. his intellect amazed me (in real life, he's not so intellectual) after i told him that i read it, we just lay in bed, quiet. our fingers intertwined, he smelled like nothing i've really smelled before. it was distinct to him though; somehow i knew that. it wasn't an artificial cologne smell, but more like a pleasant, natural body secretion smell. everything felt so real.
and then i woke up. quite confused.

all day, this dream has kept me intrigued and unfocused. i knew that it meant more than just who i was with but how i felt, but i still didn't know. i saw alot of male friends today (or talked to them). the more smiles and hugs i got, the more words of thoughtfulness that made me smile, i started to get that same feeling that i did in my dream. dare i say, contentment. maybe it wasn't about a relationship in general, but the relationships that i do have. tonight, nic and i went out to giant to pick up some stuff. somehow we ended up in the valentine's day section like most of the people in the store. we got chocolates for 'the boy' and D, guys that we are close to. we just want to show our appreciation to them for watching after us. and now, today's meaning has changed. i'm starting to understand now. it's all about what you make it.

i was gonna end the entry just like that, all beautiful and whatnot, but i really need to get this off my chest. since school started up this semester, the conversations that jam and i have are strange. they start off normal enough and then we get to the point where he refuses to tell me what he thinks. i think that he thinks that i'm a player. i don't know what ever gave him that idea. we're talking right now and i told him what i thought. he doesn't confirm or deny it, so that's what i think. i think i'm too shy to ever be a player... hahahaha... it's kind of laughable even.
and i swear, if another friend asks about jam... we are not going out! we never went out and we will never go out! let it go, my friends, let it go! ugh!

i have the receipt y'all; yours truly is officially registered to graduate. and graduate i will... yes, i will.

peace (and happy v-day too).

soundtrack: nightmares on wax: bleu my mind

i'm gonna make this quick; i have alot of studying to do and little time to do it.

over the years here at umbc, my closest friends have given me the nickname 'drama-mama'. i always seem to be caught up the drama, if i didn't cause it in the first place. it never really bothered me until about maybe last year. did i really cause the drama that i hated so much? so you know what, i decided that i needed to grow up. and now, i can say that today i am drama-free, sort of.
if i'm bad, M is worse. last semester, the drama was all about leaving her boyfriend of several years for the boy. she was seriously considering it, even though i was telling her that the boy would never leave her girl (who just happens to be a good friend of mine). she never directly took my advice, but decided against it in the end and told her boyfriend about it (to me, that's just causing more drama... but you know, i'm not the one in the relationship).
now, as i type this, i can see the same sort of behaviors that i used to have in her. just came back from class, where she 'ignored' me, looking from the corner of her eye to see if i cared. now, the old me would be all over it: 'what's wrong? why aren't you talking to me?' but i didn't. let her do whatever; talk to nic about it (and i know she will too).

what did i notice about myself personally? i wanted to be the center of everyone's attention (probably overcompensation of my behavior in high school of caring about what everybody else thought). of course it's alright to look out for yourself, necessary i say, but it came to the point that if i didn't get my way it was a problem and i would vocalize it by complaining, whining (really bad habit) or acting 'stupid' (ignoring people... blah, blah, blah). what happened? people didn't want to hang around with me anymore and the people who did would often complain about my whining and inconsistent behavior. and exactly the very opposite of what i was trying to accomplish by doing all this would happen: people would ignore me or plain wouldn't care. that used to get on my nerves so much. and then close friends of mine just stopped talking to me and i couldn't understand why. i seriously had to sit myself down and analyze what i was doing. i stopped whining and realized 'watching for myself' didn't mean that everybody had to do things my way... everybody has their own approach to doing things and i learned to appreciate that diversity. i try not to focus so much on myself when i converse with people; i ask about them instead of really telling them about me. i learned to listen. i learned that i can be wrong and need to taught sometimes.
to my friends that left me, this was the hardest, i had to accept that things like this happen and it was their decision to stop talking to me (but i did try to talk to them of course... i didn't totally give up) and it was honestly their loss.
i am proud to say that i have recently applied this new outlook on life to a current situation: mg and i. during the break, i found out that he hooked up with a girl. yes, i was very bitter and whining to myself. when this semester started, i didn't know what to do. i wanted to be bitter; i wanted to 'ignore' him. i wanted him to feel bad about what he had done. but i realized i could go down this road and i would lose a pretty cool friend. so i simmered down, talked to nic about the situation and when i was ready, started to interact with him. we are cool; great friends. and it's now that i realize that it would of never worked out between us anyways (no premarital sex for me; sorry guys..). but i'm happy with the way things turned out.
i have to thank my friends that just ignored the way i used to act; they helped me out more than they even know.

i have tried talking to M about things in general. she decided to do what she wants to do and because of that i won't put her down. the only way i can help her now is by showing her that this sort of behavior is not acceptable. you cannot go out into the real world and act the way you're acting (something that i realize now). she makes the little things, big things. like study groups. it seems almost silly to get into it. i refused to join their study group because i know the way that i study is not the same way that she studies. sometimes, it's just as simple as that. i want to do the best that i can, so i'm gonna do what i have to do. i have a schedule and different priorities that you do (like working out at the gym everyday), you simply cannot just come up to me and say: let's study. when you work with other people, we each have to sacrifice something to get what we want done. she's doesn't seem to recognize that yet. i could bad-mouth her to the rest of the crew (like she's probably doing now about me), but that's just really low. unfortunately, others in the crew are already distancing themselves from her because of the way she's behaving. it's the last semester. we are grown. come on now. it's time to grow up.

enough with that rant. couple of people been keeping contact this week. naj finally got herself a laptop; no more emails from the public library for her. she's planning on moving back to the east coast; philly. now i finally have an excuse to go back up there.
tuesday night, T called me. it's funny what you can talk about for an hour when you're studying pchem and he's taking the bus home. our conversing made me reminisce about summer when we talked everynight. he's transferring to CP; some people just can't do umbc. i love the connection that we have with each other; we can sit on the phone, silence between us and that's ok.

it's been awhile since i've really blogged; so many other things that i want to 'release', but i have massive work. good luck on exams to the guys that have midterms. i hope i can blog sometime this weekend, but i doubt it.

peace.

*this entry was spell-checked by microsoft word (!); y'all know i'm a bad speller...

soundtrack: nas: i can

so i come back from biochemistry tonight and what should i find that my roomies have stuffed under my door... a package!! heeheehee. a package from onye with my birthday present. i wish i had a digital camera so i could take a picture so i could show you how beautiful it is. thank you so much girl! i love you! i love it! ahahahahahaha! *chi jumps around for joy for second, then collaspes in pain... so sore!* thank you everybody for the birthday wishes, even if they were belated.

i better get off the computer now. people that i haven't emailed; just because i posted doesn't mean i have time right now. so sorry. i have a pchem exam next week. gotta go. more later.

peace.

soundtrack: nightmares on wax: date with destiny

man, if it snows on friday, it will truly be a godsend. they should make a law against having science classes so early in the morning; using your brain to that extent should be against the law. we had a pop quiz today (pchem)... goodness, i forgot the log and wrote the first law of thermodynamics equation with a plus instead of minus. and the R constant: 8.14 instead of 8.314. may she have mercy on my soul... it's too early in the morning.

somehow nic got me to register for this weight training class. i have muscles that i never knew i had aching; we basically lift hardcore for about an hour. and then at the end, coach drills us with abs. today was especially hard; let's just say that it's a miracle that i even had the energy to walk back to the apartment.
as nic and i were walking back, i ran into my old roommate (the pregnant one). actually, i hadn't seen her in awhile due to her pregnancy; she was at high risk and was on bed rest for the end of fall semester. while cleaning, i found her address and felt inclined to send her a card. unfortunately, she lost the baby. she surprisingly reslient though; i remember she moved back home when her father died, just as her parents, who were divorced, were planning to remarry. i don't know if i could deal with things the way she has. she's truly an inspiration to me when i start to whine about the little stuff. i love her.

what is up with everybody getting married? i was just talking to a good friend of mine and she's engaged to be married (girl, i ain't gonna say unless you want me to). i have other friends who are engaged to be married after they graduate, my cousin is getting married this may (free trip to NY... whoohoo!). what is going on?!

to note: i was walking around the commons and the activity fair was in full swing. my cousin was maning the asa table and managed to drag me over. since i'm already a member (a member that doesn't go to the meetings), i signed up for something else instead. the asa dance troupe. yes, i will be shaking my ass yet once again for the enjoyment of many african men (and hopefully not my stalker). hey, it's my last semester... you have to let it all hang.

peace.

soundtrack: rae & christian: salvation ft. siron

so it's saturday night and it's my birthday and i'm sitting in the basement of my parent's house bored out of my mind. had i known that other events would have taken parts of my family elsewhere, perhaps maybe i would be in school right now or i would have been wise enough to bring textbooks so that instead of sitting here in front of the home computer bored out of my mind, i could be doing some useful studying. i just came back from church; been there all day. i didn't expect to stay there all day, it just sort of happened. i don't know if i'm frustrated or tired.

or maybe i'm just sad. i can't believe that the space shuttle just exploded. i don't know what to think. i remember when the challenger blew up, in kindergarden. i remember thinking how seven brilliant people in the brink of an eye, were gone. a couple of days ago, i was thinking about that day so long ago and thinking that they would never let it happen again. but yet again, seven brilliant people are gone. it just makes you think if you're willing to take that risk to experience something so spectacular as space. you can't dream what that's like; it's nothing like you've ever dreamed. i don't know. it's all just very sad. sad just seems to simply express the situation.

peace.

edit: my babay came back! i knew that if i crossed my fingers long enough... welcome back man. i was starting to worry if you were ever gonna come back. it's all good cos here you are. thank you for the birthday wishes.