soundtrack: weekend players: higher ground

(i was randomly watching er the other day and very, very faintly in the background, i heard this song. i was jumping up and down, pointing at the screen, screaming, "that's my song!" to which having heard myself say that phrase, slowly looked around and sat quietly.)

i have the strangest sleeping patterns. i was going to go to sleep at 2am, but i started watching spawn on tbs and then fell asleep at 3, woke up at 5 to turn off the tv only to wake up at 7. i always set my alarm clock at 7, but i never seem to wake up on time at all. it's the weirdest thing in the world.

this past weekend was good; i stayed home for most of the weekend for the 'girls night out' thing. usually, we don't get to talk to the girls outside church and alot of them don't have good relationships with their father if at all. it was amazing just to see them open up and finally talk about their relationships with boys when usually they're slouching and whining about being in church. it makes me greatful for the relationship that i have with dad. it wasn't the best during my secondary school days, but it got better in college. i can actually joke with him now. i realize how much i do love him.

anyways. last last weekend, instead of going to jambo nite (to which said persons were rather pissed that i didn't show up), i went to this soul concert thing with crispy. it was good. one of the guys that i've known since he started here at umbc came out with his debut cd. he wrote, sang, played and produced all the music. i'm very impressed and i couldn't stop listening to the cd this past weekend. i wish i could just pop out songs like that.

crispy says that i am actively persuing bbq. five years is a very long time to be persuing someone. i don't know why i can't let it go. i heard that he got accepted to grad school in nyc. and i'm trying to explain to crispy that i am not indeed stalking him because i was interested in grad schools up in ny way before i knew he was even applying. anyways. i'm done. it's over. i give up. his birthday is in april and i got him a poster (or somewhat mid-expensive print) of his favorite jazz artist. i didn't profess my love or anything like that, just wrote a thoughtful blurb with the card attached.
but didn't i say that like three years ago? that i was done with it? this time, i just feel different about it. it's done.

i was laying in bed the other night, my mind racing as it usually does before i go to sleep. i was thinking about, not quitting, but just taking a rather long break from blogging. i don't know how long, but i'm thinking about starting after graduation. i don't know if i'm going to make it reality, right now it's just a thought.

the day is young... well, that and it's morning... and i have class so.. peace.

soundtrack: ray charles: what'd i say

hahaha! just came out of an easy biochem quiz... that sounds like an oxymoron, but it was really. here we were, nic, D, the boy and i studying hardcore for three days on oxidation phosphorylation and electron transport and the complexes and Q cycles and she asks us a redox equation. that was my only real assignment, so i'm done for the rest of week. but i still have study groups for the next three nights, so blah. three weeks left; i'm actually starting to get excited about graduating (thanks for the well wishes alisson) even though i'll have my school loan to pay and i still haven't found a job yet. it's all good.

easter was good too. church had an easter program and i played (violin) and sang. i'm really glad that i'm able to use my talents somewhere, even though i'm tired of singing acapella. this weekend i'm singing another solo and being a "chaperone" (the younger girls know i'm way too silly to ever be serious) for this 'girls night out' thing that we're doing. my music director says that one of the guest singers that came to a concert that we put on about a month ago want to get in contact with him, to see if i could 'do something'. i don't know, maybe i should just go sing and tour the world or something. ha. ponder that.

sorry that my hormones have been out of control for the past couple of entries; you know how spring is. i think i might do something that i might regret, but i'm going to do it anyway. update later on that.
studying today, D and the boy were telling me about this dude (april 11th entry; who has yet to call!) that is interested in me and how he has my picture up on his walls and whatnot. i really don't know who this guy is and the fact that he has my picture on his wall freaks me out. i don't need another stalker. this guy supposedly knows alot about me and i don't know anything about him... it smells like a stalker, but i think D and the boy are now just pulling both my legs. hmm. we'll see.

agg! i gotta get ready for pchem study group. i should post more often since it's a relax week.

peace.

soundtrack: oasis: wonderwall

finally, i can relax; it's the end of the week.

i had my pchem exam today; it went pretty well. this past week, i've been studying with two other girls in my class. without getting too much into it, i was told about any encounter one of the girls had with M. M was basically rude and lied to her. i apologized for her behavior, but other than that, what could i say? M comes off as rude and conceited. if you can't help her, then you're no use to her, is what i'm starting to realize. this drama is starting... not even starting, *it is* tired. i have more important things to focus on than this mess. this morning, i went with the mentality that i wasn't going to deal with M by not talking to her. but after the exam, i realized that i would be acting just like her if i did that. i'm a naturally friendly person and unless you do something to irk me, i will talk to you.
as i was walking from the gym, M was walking to class. i smiled, waved and wished her a good weekend. she seemed suprised and quickly muttered well wishes as she passed by. just gotta keep positive no matter what... i've been through too much to let this little small thing get to me.

it's been awhile since i hung out with buttawrecka and crispy, like the good old days, just spending hours in the uc, talking and joking. on wednesday, i asked bw if he could teach me this song (that i have to sing for easter concert tomorrow) and if crispy could accompany me on piano. what started as an hour lesson turned into old times hanging out in the commons.
bw has this uncanny ability to let you know the truth, plain and simple. the closest we would equate him to is simon. he'll comment on something and even though it's harsh, it's very true. for some reason, the subject of my love life always gets into the mix and everytime bw lets me have it. he said that i'm delusional (hence delusions of grandeur) to think that i can hide my feelings for bbq because he can read me like an open book. he says that i'm pressed and i would stop at nothing to be with him. after getting over inital embarassment, i don't think that even i can come to grips with the truth. do i seem that pressed? gah! should i move on?

to conclude this week, it seemed like most of the biochem crew was in a down mood; nic and i still haven't found out why. anyways, i'm still trying to decide if i'm going to jambo nite or the soul concert; i still need money though. going home tonight, pick up al, go to rehersal, sing tomorrow, POTLUCK!! and then back to the farm (umbc) to start studying for the next round of papers, quizzes and exams.

peace and blessed easter.

soundtrack: the walkmen: we've been had

small, little update entry. i was going to write something more elaborate, but my brain is just not in that mode right now.

it went from 80 degrees and sun to 50 and wind in a hot minute. my sinuses are going crazy.
no phone call. no date. boredom. yes, i'm bored. i want to go somewhere and do something. spring fever sucks (and i'm not talking about allergies...).
it has been confirmed: naj is coming up the first weekend in may. we were going to go to the maryland film festival but that's also the weekend of the GC concert which i have now been asked to attend. lots of things to do.
easter concert this weekend, jambo nite and concert on saturday night... which one do i go to? none, cos i ain't got money. but shouldn't i go to jambo nite, my last year here? next weekend: quadmania.

i keep on breaking stuff. the soundtrack of my life, my mp3 player is broke. it's agony walking around campus with no music; i almost feel naked. trying to see if i can get it fixed or i should just try to scrape up some $$ and buy a new one... maybe when i get my graduation monies. i broke the left mouse clicker on my laptop. gah, my poor baby, you're so old. i'm afraid to update it to windows xp cos i don't think it would be able to take it.

i think it's going to rain. peace.

soundtrack: rae and christian: wake up everybody ft. bobby womack

gah! i'm bored. i shouldn't be bored cos i only have less than a month left of school... but right now, at this moment, i am bored.

the thing that i didn't want to mention was that there was a possibility that i wasn't going to graduate this semester. you see, when you apply for graduation, they do a review of all your credits. if you get a letter in march, you're probably missing a course that you need. so i was worried when a certified letter came from umbc in mid-march. i came home that friday and opened it up. because i was missing a social science general requirement, i would not be able to graduate may 2003. i was frantic. i printed out my transcript and a gfr worksheet, sat and did my stuff over. it was then when i read the requirements with taking general requirements. it was then i realized that i took one of my gfr's as pass/fail, which you cannot do. i was heartbroken. what was i going to do now? how was i going to tell my parents? five years and your daughter still managed to screw up.
after the inital 'oh my god, i'm not going to graduate' feeling, i got to work. i contacted my advisor, my scholar program advisior, the department that i took my gfr course in. everybody except the president. i prayed. i really prayed. i've been here 5 years. i have no more money to take any more classes. i just have to graduate. i just have to. there was nothing to be done. i only had one option left. to petition to a group of professors to let me graduate without this class. what were my chances? nobody knew. it seemed like everybody i talked to believed that i wasn't going to graduate. 'at least you'll walk,' they said. it seemed that nobody was with me.

At my first defense, no one came up to my support, but everyone deserted me. May it not be held against them. But the Lord stood at my side and gave me strength so that through me the message might be fully proclaimed and all the Gentiles might hear it. And I was delivered from the lion's mouth. The Lord will rescue me from every evil attack and will bring me safely to his heavenly kingdom. -2 Tim. 4: 16-18

i still had hope. i had to have hope or nothing would get done. it had to be done, even if i had to do it all by myself.
last friday, i went to go pick up a letter from my advisor to turn in with my petition. he told me to go up to the bio office and see one of the secretaries about my paperwork. you see, after the advisement center goes through your credits, they send your info to your major department, so they can review your major credits. they sent a note over with my paperwork; 'she's not ready' it said. but this lady, even though she didn't have to, instead of putting my papers aside, she looked at all my credits and re-did my worksheet.
"they've made some sort of mistake," she said to me, "you have everything here." i stood, my mouth agape. as she got my paperwork together to take to academic services, it really started to sink in. i was going to graduate. and i did't have to do anything. i didn't have to petition. all i had to do was hope. i held back my tears as she handed me my paperwork. i wanted to hug her, to truly express my greatfulness. but i just thanked her and she smiled.
nic and i ran to academic services and with weak excuses, the academic advisor apologized to me for letting my work slip through the cracks. when she changed my status in the computer, instead of a burden being lifted, i felt the hope that i felt all along.

i could complain that i have been forever shafted by this university, that my advisor never really bothered to care. but instead, i thank God for the hope that he gave me. that nobody but him could give me. with that hope and faith, i can now say that i will graduate May 22, 2003.

peace.

soundtrack: carole king: way over yonder

wow. it's been awhile. sorry about that. school is school... what can i say? i took my biochem midterm today; i traveled to hell and came back. original said that she saw the professor smirk... smirk as all 200 of us scratched our heads, either in confusion or frustration, trying to remember compounds and mechanisms and pathways. i'm just glad that it's over. finally. for now.

last friday was my mom's birthday. as i walked down to the weight room, i thought about what i wanted to pick up from the store before i got home. i walked up the glass panel, looking into the weight room. bbq was off in the corner, lifting weight. i involuntarily cringed. it was a little late in the morning for him to still be working out. i sat down on the exercise mat, behind the pillar and stretched. 15 minutes later, he came out, saw me and came over. we exchanged 'hey's, to which he replied, "i didn't see you sitting behind that pillar." well. wasn't that the point? we talked about random things: school, lifting and birthdays. i mentioned that it was my mom's birthday and he mentioned how he was going back home to go to his sister's class party for her birthday.
"did they ever do that when you were in elementary school?" he asked me.
"yeah, you know if your mom wants to bring some cupcakes or bake a cake or something," i answered. something struck me odd about his question. he never, ever mentioned his mother and i never made it my business to find out anything about it. but here i was, a year or two later and the questions about her were popping back into my head... so much so, i blocked the rest of his conversation out... until i heard the word stepsister... i looked up surprised. new questions were popping into my head.
"oh", i said. and silence fell between us. i could of said something, but i didn't. i looked up at him, leaning against the pillar. how many secrets can a friend have from another?

went home, and on the way stopped at giant and got mom a card and angel food cake (perfect.. no fat!). family stuff, cook and stuff and more family stuff. i have to say, that i really have taken my family for granted until now. my parents are wonderful, supportive and loving. and my brothers are funny, caring and always there for me. God really blessed me right here. went to church; orchestra and ensemble rehersal.
next day: church. it was good; had a duet, which went really well and the ensemble was singing throughout service. youth service in the afternoon was good too; get to know you: everyone thought i was an old person because i like to watch 1940s-1970s movies.
i was planning on leaving that evening to get back to school cos i had a paper due tuesday and the infamous biochem midterm today. but my parents pulled and pulled on my arm and convinced me to stay so i could out and eat with the rest of the family. we went to outback s.h.: just meat and lots of it. they had one entree that was vegetarian; i thought it was good and the brothers thought it was quite ordinary. we got back home around 11pm. i couldn't do any work cos i left all my books at school. so i got on the net and surfed around a bit. started talking to jam on IM... just about random things. he wanted to ask me a personal question, but then decided against it. he always did stuff like this. this time i said:

chiIQ: hmm.
chiIQ: you always do that
jam: do what?
chiIQ: say that you're gonna ask something and then don't
chiIQ: you didn't even ask me if you could ask the question... you just decided that i shouldn't know.

so he asked me the question, which wasn't too bad. and then i said:

chiIQ: please don't think that it's difficult to ask me questions; that's what friends are for

to which he asked:

jam: why did you want to just be friends?

whoa. i didn't think he was going to ask me *that* question:

chiIQ: do you want me to answer the question?
jam: well, if i didn't want to know i wouldn't ask.

(i sense bitterness...)

jam: yeah.
jam: don't worry. there's not hidden meaning in why i'm asking.
jam: i was just curious

i thought and then replied:

chiIQ: i guess i just wanted to be truthful to you. i mean, when you asked, i've never been in a relationship (a positive one) before. so that was one of the factors into my decision. but the feelings that i have for you weren't the same. so i could either say yes and lie to you or say no and be truthful.
jam: awwww.
jam: that's sweet
chiIQ: sike-a-boo.... stop. you're making me blush
chiIQ: but i do want to let you know that i care about you alot and to thank you for just being there for me and supporting me
jam: awwww......!
jam: you are making me blush
jam: thanks.

and now can i say that's over with and we can all move on... again. right?

so this whole week, D and i were studying for this biochem midterm. and we were joking around and whatnot, like we always do. and then he mentions that there's this guy... and my eyes already start rolling... and supposedly i know this guy... he has taken an interest in me, wants to talk to me, ask me out but he's too shy. i think he got D to scout me out or something. anyways, so D gave him my cell number and says that i should be expecting a call sometime... soon, cos we're going out this saturday night. and my eyes are really rolling now. someone take an interest in me... that's laughable in its own right... but going out on a blind date?! (no matter how many times D says that i know this individual, i really don't know him). it's kind of scary, freaky, funny and intriguing all at the same time. so i'm waiting for a phone call. hmm. let's see how that goes.

could this entry get any longer? let me make the most of my night off.

on last note, i always wanted to be a redhead... and now i am... ;)

peace.