soundtrack: jazzanova: no use

(this entry has been severly edited for your sanity...)

so i'm starting to feel the itch to buy a place of my own.. domain-wize that is. i don't know. i'm really strapped for cash and i'm so lazy these days... will i even be able to design something (or learn some new skills to design something better). i don't know (didn't i already say that?). it seems like my attention span is shortening nowadays; nothing that keep my attention for a long period of time... i have to switch to something else or fall asleep. this includes books... the ones that i checked out of the library are just not fullfilling me... yes, they're great books, but i need something more 'dumb' for my lazy mind. does any of this make sense?

i'm just updating for the sake of updating. i'm still doing nothing, kinda reading books, waiting to start work, trying to go somewhere with somebody and trying still to get my laptop to work. church keeps me busy too; singing and playing. despite all that, i suppose the highlight of my day was getting a phonecall from jam (from his new celly). i haven't been online lately and he's been busy and i've been bored out of my mind trying to find somebody to talk to. i also talked to crispy in the middle of week, along with bbq. i was trying to invite them to this function, but they both couldn't make it. i think i was more disappointed with bbq... i don't know (three times!), it's strange... everytime i end a conversation with him, i'm just .... disappointed. anyways, i'm just talking blah.

and to end this wack(y) entry, i thought why not?

1. How are you planning to spend the summer?

i wanted to travel, but i don't think that's gonna happen. neither is studying for the gre's, which i really should be doing. so i guess, just work and enjoy the weather.

2. What was your first summer job?

for real? my internship at nih, senior year in h.s. the rents didn't allow us to get jobs saying that our only 'work' was school.

3. If you could go anywhere this summer, where would you go?

there are too many just to list one. Philly, Chi town, NYC... those are possiblities


4. What was your worst vacation ever?

my last trip to kenya. we went to go visit mom's parents (who are in the middle of nowhere) and when we were driving back to dad's parents farm (which is also in the middle of nowhere), the car broke down (in the middle of nowhere! a rock had puncured the oil line and we had no oil left). so after 4 hours (at which point mom left us in the middle of nowhere where cars were not very frequent, to see if she could *find* a payphone to call somebody) finally some military passed and gave us a ride. after 5 more hours, we got back to the village (which is like 2-3 hours away from the farm), with no transportation to get back... uncle, who we met at the village finds this guy with this ghetto truck (steel cage over the back) and he's going that way. timon and i (al was still in the us taking finals) hopped in the back, along with mom, who didn't want to leave us in the back all alone (apparently, uncle didn't care) and we were on our way. after about 1/2 hour running on dirt roads (mind you, it's PITCH BLACK, with wolves, lions and all sorts), the truck dies. and i'm thinking: I DID NOT JUST COME FROM THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE WHERE I THOUGHT I WAS GONNA DIE TO LESS THAN AN HOUR AWAY FROM HOME TO DIE AGAIN!! the driver chuckles and he pours something in the engine. he tries the truck and it starts. when we get to the farm, we realize that the man's truck had no gas tank (please don't ask... i'm still trying to figure it all out myself...) and apparently he was pouring gas into the engine to make it go. BOOO!
also, to add upon the fact that i almost died in the kenya savanna, dad would leave us stranded on the farm with no car, so we would spend days on the farm bored out of our minds (and this is when Jude the Obsure turned from a boring to a can't-put-it-down book, if you know what i mean...). we didn't go anywhere. double BOOO!

5. What was your best vacation ever?

probably my trip(s) to kenya, but i have yet to take that for granted yet.


peace.

soundtrack: the tonight show

today i started off listless and antsy. i was bored and most desperately wanted to do something. so when mom suggested working out at the local bally's, i was more than ready to go. energy emerged from my sluggishness as climbed back on the circuit machines. now, i'm sore (already!) but i feel great.
it was late in the evening and i was showing mom what each weight machine did and how it worked. from the corner of my eye, this guy walked in to the weight room area. i knew he looked familiar, but i chose not to approach him. i didn't even think he would remember me anyways. but he did and he came over. [side rant: i think the only reason why he even remembered me was because despite it all, i still look the same... and i should just deal with the fact that people from elementary through college will stop me on the street because i will NEVER EVER look different! you don't even know how annoying that is...] he was animated... i guess he has to be if he's a motivational speaker. as he asked me the standard 'haven't-seen-you-in-X-years' questions, my brain pulled up the file on LS. we went to the same middle school and were in the same leadership program in high school. he didn't really do well academically, dropped out (or was kicked out) of the program and he seemed a little lost the last two years, but i didn't really notice. i was off in my AP classes and doing my internships; i was running with another crowd. he's doing well now, with the motivational speaker thing (he finally got the business he wanted, even though it wasn't a kfc) and as a student at umcp. he gave me his card, "drop me an email...we'll do lunch!" i almost scoffed. this dude didn't know me. was he trying to pick me up? ironic being that i used to have a crush on him. i don't know. i'll email him though. there are infinite possiblities.

i'm trying to figure out what i want to do for the last three weeks of freedom i have left. visit people, maybe go to some dc museums, calling people i haven't talked to in awhile (T and ash). i talked to nic yesterday;she's back in town from jet setting all over the country. she still hasn't heard from the grad program that she applied to. nic and the boys are going to do something soon.
i also had a good talk with jam. a nice, long, thought-provoking conversation. i can honestly say that jam is one of the few friends and one of the only guys that i completely trust. we talked about everything and some more. i love that boy from the bottom of my heart. i love you jammy jam.

anyway. i'm sore and tired, so i'm going to sleep.

peace.

soundtrack: nightmares on wax: date with destiny

funny little story...

today was timon's last day of school, so after i picked him up from his last day, we went to the library. now, i haven't been to the local library like in 8 years. 5 years ago i knew that i probably have some fines, so i decided not to ever go back, which wasn't such a big deal since i was mostly in baltimore. so here i am, 5 years later, dying for a book to read and we're in the library. i get a whole stack of books and timon says to me, "$2,000, " the imaginary fine amount that we both thought would be on my account.
and let me tell you right now, if you owe money, they do not delete your name. my name was there all right with a $75 fine. actually, three books were checked out under my name and never returned since 1998. i didn't check out the books, rather i checked them out for a friend of mine. i'm pissed because i don't know where this said 'friend' has disappeared to. i'll pay for it eventually...

ran other errands with the brother. went to the orthodontist, where they never forget your name. even the new secretary was like, "you look familiar." simply by looking at my teeth and how they were straightened. that's kind of scary. they started to talk about timon's progress and they mentioned 'head gear' to which i collasped in laughter. that would just be priceless, to see timon in head gear... hahahaha.

i woke up this morning to mom yelling at me to take timon to school since dad is away and it was going to rain today. having only three hours of sleep, i stumbled out of bed, threw on some clothes and took the boy to school. i came back and promptly fell back into bed, to which i had a dream. i will not disclose, but it helped me to calm down from whatever was going on last night. i'm not as peaceful as when i woke up for the second time this morning, but i'm feeling better than yesterday.

hi jam; i know you're looking at this page right now cos i told you about it.

peace

soundtrack: theivery corporation: so com voce

man, today just sucks for some reason. i'm bored and i don't want to do anything, my laptop is working on & off and everybody in this house are getting on my nerves!! i feel like crap.

doing my paperwork for my fellowship... the only thing missing is my diploma, which should be getting here soon. but then i haven't gotten my check for $0.96, my deposit minus the cost to the damage to apartment and electricity. i love my former roommates, i really do, but .. damn, what is going on?! i'm not made of money!!

i don't know. i'm just really angry and upset right now.

peace.

soundtrack: nightmares on wax: les nuits

first of all... no comment.

now that i got that out of the way. happy father's day. i have just emerged from the kitchen after a teaching 'lesson' from dad, teaching me how to cook his favourite kenyan dish. first of all, when did dad ever learn how to cook and why does he think that i can't cook.... he's doing that thing that i hate again. i remember when i was 8 and timon was just born. mom was in the hospital and al and i were left alone to survive in the hands of dad. dad didn't know how to cook and i remember he burnt a dish (it's like foo-foo), gave up and we had pizza from pizza hut for the rest of week (cos it seems that's the only fast food that he can eat anyways). he still can't cook to this day, so i don't know what he was trying to do up there... but hey, you gotta love him anyway.

the dell people emailed me back. if i install these updates and it works, i'll be very happy... i feel so withdrawn without having my laptop constantly on and connected. we'll see.

my cell doesn't ring as much since i finished at umbc. so it was a real surprise to hear it's loud ring this afternoon, to answer and hear D's voice on the other end. oh, that's my boy; i love D. i haven't really talked to anyone from school for the past couple of weeks (save just a couple), so it was really good to hear from him. hopefully, nic, the boys and i can hang out before we all go to our respective states.... or stay in them.

my start date has been pushed a little bit back due to massive amounts of paperwork (thank you us government!); but it helps to curb the boredom that's starting to seep in. i have to go the bank and the doctor's tomorrow to get stuff done. i hope that i don't have to get any shots... that always seems to happen... i foget to take my tetnus or TB shot and i have to get like 4 in one day... last time i was delirous.... (please don't mind my spelling... i can't spell). now i'm starting mid-july. i'm trying to find a temp job or something.

the future holds more performances thus more singing and more playing. i'm trying not to burn myself out on that end. i have a vocal solo next month and violin duet in august and then i was asked to sing for this seminar thing through the whole month of september... every night... hmm.

anyways, that is all... i'm done. i'm chillin' and bored... IM a sista once in awhile... or email or messages... i like those too...

peace.

soundtrack: nightmares on wax: date with destiny

my laptop is so busted. something about it superheating and then it all going to hell. i'm trying to see if i can get it fixed; i so desperately need all those files.

so during dinner, dad is asking me about my fellowship and stuff. i guess because i've just kind of been hanging around the house for about a month and it seems like i'm not doing anything productive. now don't you hate it when somebody who doesn't know anything about your field tries to tell you stuff like they know? dad don't know no biochemistry and molecular biology. i keep on trying to explain to him how this fellowship thing works and he just keeps on cutting me off, telling me things that he thinks would apply to me but THEY DON'T! i was ready to just get up and leave, i was getting so frustrated. i don't know what's up with him. lately he's just been either cutting me off in conversations or when i'm doing something (i.e. vacuuming the house), he critizes my work or grabs the thing (i.e. the vacuum) and tries to show me how it's done. umm, last time i checked, i was 23 and i've been doing stuff pretty much my own way for awhile, thank you very much.

anyways, despite all that and the sleeping in late (which i love) and the moseying about the house, i am absolutely bored out of mind. i want to go out and do something, go somewhere. i was running errands today and i walked pass the metro station and i just wished i could be somewhere than here. i would go visit naj in philly, but she's in the middle of exams now and is going back to seattle for break.
everybody else is either getting ready for grad school or have already left. jam started orientation today and can you believe it, i miss the big guy. crispy is working hard on transfering; i hope everything works out for you. bbq is pretty much like me, chillin'. i talked to him the other day he apologized for not making the party (cos he forgot!.. BOO!) and we talked about what we were doing. so i think i should be expecting a phone call soon so that we can go and 'hang out'. hmm.

i've been pretty lazy as the week is coming to a close. i haven't written anything, haven't read anything (i'm like on book three on that star trek book), i haven't practiced, i haven't found a song, haven't exercised.... it's like i'm just not motivated enough. i think i just miss my computer.

and off again i roam. play some grand t.heft auto: vc. very, very addictive. and i now find myself wanting to run red lights and over old people. must be careful.
peace.

soundtrack: esthero: country livin' (the world i know)

so i wrote this entry last night, yeah? and i posted it and nothing happened. i don't know where it disappeared to and i'm just going to consider it lost. i'm in the basement this morning, on the general computer. for some reason, to which i'll fully put the blame on win me, my laptop went blank. al is in the process of installing win xp and i have to wait since he's gone to work. if that doesn't work, i'm in big trouble cos i didn't back anything up... yes, i realize how stupid that is.
i picked up mom yesterday in the p.o.c (piece of crap) that al and i share (and i don't understand why al never drives the p.o.c and gets to drive mom's car... what's wrong with this picture?) 'it's hot in here,' she expressed, pulling down the window. mine was already down from the get-go. 'the car has no ac,' i replied. how many times have i told these people when i was sweating up a storm in my business suits, trying desperately to get to work before i had to turn back around and change. 'maybe you should get a new car,' she said. that would be nice, but where would the money come from? i'm looking at the next fove years down the line and i'm seeing that i'm not going to have that influx of cash. i'm just dealing with it.
it's funny: al and i never fight over who wants to use p.o.c., but when we start talking about who's going to keep it, we get into bitter arguements, offering excuses to pass the car to the other. timon says that he's not touching it. it's sad though... it has no ac, needs a serious paint job and now has a hole in the exaust...

so it looks like i'll be seeing the guard very soon. i accepted at nih and i start in july. i'm really excited about getting back in the lab; my hands are just itching. i'm very greatful for this oppertunity.

anyways, i have alot of stuff to keep me busy. i'm singing something for father's day service this weekend. what? i don't know yet, i'm still trying to figure out. i actually have to practice the violin; the music that the group is playing is a little bit more challenging to just go about and sight read through the performance. reading and writing, etc.

peace.

soundtrack: nightmares on wax: mind's eye

so yesterday, i went nih to visit with this lady who's offering me this fellowship position. compared to when i used to work there 5 years ago, it was different. you used to be able to get in anywhere around the whole campus when now, those side streets are closed off. anybody used to be able to visit by simply driving through and walking through the front door. of course, the sensitive areas had more security. now, everywhere is sensitive.
'where are you going?' the man asked me that searched my car. i named the number of the building. he smiled that smile; not the 'that's cool' smile, but more like the 'so-when-are-we-going-out' smile. ugh! him and his partner that asked me to pop open the trunk.
'what's under here?' he poked at my saab car cover. 'nothing. it's a car cover,' i replied.
finally, i was done and given a tag to display saying that my car indeed had been inspected for that day only. finding parking was a travesty; that's the only thing that hasn't changed at all.
the guard at the front desk also flirted with me and wished me well... 'hopefully i'll see you soon,' he called out. you've got to be kidding me...

i think overall the meeting went really well. i don't want to jinx myself though... i should be hearing from her tomorrow. i think my only competion is original, who told me that she had emailed her also. i think she's just looking for a summer internship before med school. but again, i will not jinx myself.
the lab is small, but not to small (like gsk.. that was horrible) and everybody is nice. so yay. we'll see.

to pass the time and make some quick money, i'm watching the kids again tomorrow and monday. i think i'm the longest they have kept somebody for the boys; they are so picky. anyways, untaxed money is very, very good.

ok. shower and breakfast... i'm starving. later. peace.

soundtrack: rae and christian: hold us down - ft. the congos

today i focused on my application to a fellowship program at nih. i was trying to figure out who i would ask for letters of recommendations from, i started to feel depressed about my academic performance. to tell the truth, my gpa is not that hot. i started to imagine all the rejection letters i would get after interviews upon interviews. what was the point? will i ever achieve my dream? i pray that i do. i'm trying not to be as hopeless. i send out my emails asking for help and five minutes later i got a letter back from dr. f, expressing the joy he would have by writing little old me a recommendation letter. i am cheesing right now as i type this. it's good to know that people really do care.

al and my graduation party was yesterday. crispy, buttawrecka, mac n' cheese (and her brother), jam (and his sister) and original (and her 'secret spice') all showed.... aww you guys, you gonna make me cry. i wasn't mad at the people that didn't come, but i was suprised that bbq was nowhere to be seen even after he promised that he would be there. i even went as far as having jam calling around to get his home phone number. i'm not going to make any assumptions and will allow him to explain himself, but i can't help the fact that i feel disappointed.
the other parties last week were... wow. what happened? i found out that wbz and JK are players... and i almost got played by JK... but that's another story. av tried to be a player, but horribly failed (don't ever, ever kiss my hand again...), i got into a disussion about the plight of africa and AIDS with this woman. i was trying to explain to her that every little bit helps, but she was resigned to the fact that africa is a lost case. ugh! that was just special.

i'm trying to find where i packed my checkbook (yes, i still haven't unpacked my stuff) so i can balance it. i'm really poor. my accounts are decreasing in size as i pay for everything from my cell phone bill (where did i put that bill...) to my university bill so i can actually get my degree (yes, i did pass all my classes... i am DONE!). this fellowship is good and all, but it's only paying a standard $22,000/year (by standard, i mean the stipend they usually pay when you get into grad school). and if i go straight into grad school, i ain't gonna get any more money. basically, it's a choice between more education and money. special spice was telling me about this co. in columbia that was paying $25/hr (but you have to work with hazards)... but that's something to live off of, you know what i mean. unfortunately, i have to make this choice now... when i don't have any money either.
dad was having this conversation with my uncle about how being in debt was part of the american dream. when mom and dad moved to their first townhouse, the bank was more suspicious than surprised by the lack of debt between the two. of course now, that's different. my parents put themseleves into debt so i wouldn't be (except for that small $1500 that i do have to pay). so i'm really trying not to put myself in that situation.
also, another thing that requires money is a gym membership. i need a weight room. i need a treadmil. i need something! i can feel my lean muscle turning into fat... ugh! i'm looking for students discounts all over (even though i'm technically not a student anymore.... ahhh whatever! i'm poor like one!). i'm going to see if i can go back to my gym by renewing, even though it's been three years; i had a really good deal with them. in the meantime, i will create the poorwoman's exercise regime.

one thing that was bothering me though. it's just my strange mind overprocessing (because i'm not reading or studying anything). i'm started writing this story a couple of months ago; it was orginally a dream. little things or instances that set up the background for this story (cos it's set several years from now) are begining to become reality. it's kind of scary. i'm trying not to freak myself out or anything like that.... but still.... i hope that it doesn't come true... cos that's alot of years of heartache. also, to note, i haven't completed the story and have severe writer's block which have also transpired to my other stories. gah!

anyways, i'm going downstairs to watch a movie. why? because i'm worth it!

peace.