soundtrack: erykah badu

this week, i started off feeling ill to the stomach, so i skipped out on the gym (and i had to wash my gym clothes). i was still feeling ill on tuesday, so i didn't go again. ran errands for mom today, so i didn't go today. i don't think i'm going to go at all this week. i feel like a slob.. an unmotivated slob. i need to work on that.
struggling to read solomon (which i can definetly say is a first for me); it's not a bad book... it's very engaging... i just can't sit down long enough to finish it. i haven't written anything either. i have this speech coming up in two weeks and i have no research done. it's embarassing cos mom is giving a talk too on the same day and she is all over her topic (the errands today were for her research). ugh. i need a purpose. i need to start working. i need shoes. third paycheck: will buy shoes.

oh. guess who im'ed me the other day. the man himself, the one and only, T. "this consitutes as a phone call," he wrote. we didn't talk much; he's working crazy hours. i wanted to tell him about my run in with LS so that we can both have a laugh at it. gosh, i miss that man. i miss our conversations; the advice he's given me... well, at least i know he's alive.

i just want to say BIG up to onye... you go! with grad school. i'm feeling indifferent about it all, which i know is only because i'm sitting on my butt in front of this computer and not working. i need to get back into the groove.

ok. you can go. my crappy entry is over. bye. goodnight.

peace.

soundtrack: ian pooley: spicy snapper

i'm exhausted today. the lady that usually does my braids opened a shop in northeast dc, so i went down there to get them done. what should of taken 5-6 hours to do, took 12-13 hours and i didn't leave till 12.45 in the morning. got home and of course, anybody that ever gets braids knows, you can't sleep on your head... and i'm such a restless sleeper already... i didn't get any sleep. woke up and went to church mad tired. after church, went to a friend's house for lunch.
it seems that everybody is getting a house nowadays. i don't know when i'll be able to get a house. i'm trying to think down the line and i'm just not seeing it. one of my friends suggested that the rents would probably help if al and i went into a townhouse together. it's a great idea, but with al going to school at upenn in a year or two and me not even knowing where i'm going to be, i don't think it's going to happen. maybe someday.
went to rehersal today: they were talking about me missing rehersal yesterday... but they shouldn't complain cos i told them that would be a possibility. we're singing next week. i know i never talk about singing or the group i'm in... at least a whole lot anyway, but i feel inclined. when we started i was the only alto. i didn't really mind because i have a strong voice (don't mean to toot my own horn.. this is what i've been told). anyways, since then, we have added another alto. she's not really strong... you can hardly hear her and her range is limited, so with our high notes, she often ends off flat. i try to help her, but she doesn't seem to pick it up at all. it gets to me so much that i often end up singing sharp to compensate in my head... ugh! she's an on and off person; she just started coming back to rehersals after a 7-month laspe. i don't know.. i'm trying to deal with that situation.

one of the things that made conversation when nic, the boy and i were riding around looking for a place to eat was the biochem crew. i mentioned how i emailed a couple of them including M and it was as if i gave them bitter herb to eat, the faces that nic and the boy made. i know that the way M split from the group was selfish; she simply stopped talking to us. we were used to help her get a good grade and then when she was done, she had no use for us anymore, even though she's still denying it. i don't blame them for not trying to reach out. the whole point of me trying is to show her that friendship is more than just 'how can you help me?' i don't know if she'll ever realize that.

anyway. even after sleeping for most of the afternoon and then waking up just about an hour ago to eat, i'm still tired. i'm calling it a night.

peace.

soundtrack: oasis: live forever

i've been feeling down for the past couple of days; i didn't want to write about it. i don't know if i still want to write about it.

today would of been a good day today. tuesday, nic called me and invited me to lunch with her and the boy today, before he finished up at umbc. even though i was (am) broke and my car is too, i went. it was good; really good. for the first time in days, my pressed pensive lips opened to smiles and laughs as we talked about our summers and the professors and classes will never have to experience ever again. after much debate of where to eat ("i eat meat!" the boy declares), we ended at applebe.e's (the veggie burger was good). we talked and laughed some more; i didn't know laughing could be so renewing, so refreshing. when we got back to campus, we were hesitant to say goodbye, still making chatter next to nic's idling car. after hugs and promises to do one more outing (including D and mg) before D and the boy leave for graduate school.
i drove back home smiling, laughing, humming. 'what a great day,' i said to myself. i got home... i didn't even have to cook today! i was thinking about blogging about how fabuolus today was. and then, and then. and then.

it is now that i have grown tired of trying to defend myself, to explain myself anymore. she always mixes it up, always gets it wrong. she puts me down with this smug look on her face. she's my mother, not a friend i can cut off. she likes to make me feel low and then act like nothing ever happened.
my high is gone now and my pressed lips of melancholy are back along with something new. i'm tired of all this crap. that's exactly what it is, crap. i'm praying and i'm trying to understand, but it seems that she doesn't want to hear or understand. *sigh* trivality for unconditional love.

anyways, i'm seeing a busy weekend this weekend, full of rehersals and other things, but mainly rehersals. LS is coming back this monday; from the sound of his last email, he's disappointed that i can't make it... i shouldn't of taken so long with the reply. naj is coming into town the first weekend in august and she's trying to contact anybody still in the area. my hair is in fro mode and it's clean; will be in braid mode tomorrow. blah, blah, blah. the screen is hurting my eyes, so i'm out. good weekends everyone.

peace.

soundtrack: mocean worker: summertime/sometimes i feel like a motherless child

just had a conversation with my girl, JB. she keeps it real... got my heads out of the clouds about some things. made me see that there needs to be black and white instead of shades of gray in these things.

i actually left the house today. mom works up in n.va and she wanted to me to come out and pick up her up so she could drop off some stuff to auntie in arlington before she leaves for kenya tomorrow. i think i'm starting to lose my way of directions, cos i got horribly lost and ended up going past regan national airport (i refuse to call that airport regan anything.... for what?! nothing, that's what!!) and i had to turn around and come back. right before route 50, going north on GW parkway, on your right, there is a bank leading to the potomac river... no railings or anything to break your fall in you happen to skid in that direction, just a couple of trees. that's where dad veered off into, falling asleep at the wheel so many years ago. i would of been another dead 7-year old child in the potomac river if it wasn't for those sparse trees. i shuddered as i passed there, quickly driving away from that place.

i was going to go into the whole reason why my aunt is going to kenya and why she only has a ticket for one way and growing up around these said 'marriages' of these kenyan people... but i think i won't. i might when i feel it necessary

She was the third beer. Not the first one, which the throat receives with almost tearful gratitude; nor the second, that confirms and extends the pleasure of the first. But the third, the one you drink because it's there, because it can't hurt, and because what difference does it make?

-Toni Morrison: Song of Solomon

peace.

soundtrack: shirely bassey: easy thing to do (n.o.w remix)

you know, i think i'm a fairly nice person. i like to help people; i don't like to see people suffer, so i give them advice. apparently, mom doesn't take very kindly to mine.
i'm an observer; i observe things, patterns of behavior. if mom is struggling with something, i suggest things to her. she doesn't want me to do this anymore. she takes my suggestions as a form of talking back.
"i'm your mother and you should respect me," she says. i'm sorry. i'm too old to go around blindly respecting people anymore. she doesn't want to make an effort, simply explaining that it's just the way 'she grew up'. but i'll respect her enough to giver her wish. i won't say anything. if there's an easier way or a shortcut, i won't mention it. i'll let her take the long, hard road. because that's the way she wants it to be.

i'm frustrated, upset and very disappointed.

soundtrack: nbc4 news

goodmorning. i just woke up and i had the strangest dream. i dreamt that i was in the future... not too far into the future, cos everything still looked fairly the same. for some reason i was at the mall, just roaming around when i saw T wandering around. i followed him around for awhile and i realized that he didn't recognize me. for some reason, i had to go to the past soon, so i had to talk to him before he left. finally, i got him cornered. he was skeptic when i tried to convince him that i had indeed had come from the past. "why should i believe you?" he asked. "you have to believe me," i said, grabbing his hands. it was so strange. it felt so real. i'm still trying to figure out why i had this dream. he still hasn't called me back yet.

anyways. my hair is a hot mess and i'm definetly doing something to it next week despite my lack of money. it's like i need a dye job; my braids are bright reddish blond and my new growth is black as night. it's very attractive (sarcasm).
i *still* haven't emailed LS yet... i don't want to be rude, but i really don't know what to say. gah! why is this so difficult?

i've been blogging way too much about nothing this whole week. *sigh* have a good weekend everyone. tekla, i got your message; it's no problem... everyone needs blessings. i have a request for you guys: email, comment, leave a message in the guestbook... please?

peace.

soundtrack: mr. scruff: how sweet it is

my laptop actually worked for 4 hours last night, so i took the liberty of transferring the most necessary mp3s to the home computer. this morning, it was back to it's busted state again. but it's all good, for i have a music selection now. yay.

finally, my paperwork is all done. shout out to 'the boy' for helping a sista in need. i should be starting in august, which is a good thing cos (i know i already mentioned it...) i'm poor.

i have yet to email LS back; i really don't know what to say. the reason behind my discomfort, i think i explained to jam best: i don't like being around a large group of people i don't know. if i went to church with a friend of mine (which i have, for example, with crispy), even though i'm surrounded by people i don't know, i still know who *you* are, you know what i mean? i don't mind meeting him for lunch... in a public place. he wants to take me to this place filled with people he knows and i don't even know him? i can just feel myself turning inside-out, i'm so introverted. fortunately, by the time he's getting back to whereever he's going to go speak, i'm attending a wedding that sunday. i know he's just going to invite me the week after that... what am i supposed to say to that? i mean, seriously, we were never 'friends' in middle school or high school. i was so shy, i kept mostly to myself and only opened up to close friends. even in the leadership program, we didn't talk to each other.. we never even worked in the same groups... he didn't even know if i existed!! so why all this? i don't understand... anybody got any advice?

woohoo! espy awards tonight... i don't know why i'm so excited... i'm like a pseudo sports fan... eh, i'm watching it anyways... have to tape 'making the band' for timon; that's the show that we watch together. he just called; other than his narcoleptic roommate and the lack of vegetarian entrees ("chi, they don't even *have* entrees..." he tells me), things are going pretty good.

i really need to lay off the computer and go outside or read or something. still on song of solomon, which is amazing since i read so much faster than this. my writing has been lacking too; i just don't feel like doing it, staring at my notebook. anyway, it's cold in the basement...

peace.

soundtrack: dzihan and kamien: smile

ho. i'm back. things are looking on the up. i just talked to 'the boy', who ta's for the professor that i need one more recommendation from. i already sent her an email and he's going to mention it to her tomorrow. i just hope that he doesn't forget. i'm getting closer to the working world, my friends. i'm getting closer.

LS emailed me today. he invited me to his church; i just had to laugh out loud... he can't be serious. i don't need jesus... i already have jesus! i think since i've gone to church on saturday for ... heck, all my life... going to church on sunday just makes me feel uncomfortable. well, it doesn't. just going to church with him. goodness. what should i say? *chi rubs temples*

i rode in al's car today. it's a nice 95 honda civic; power everything. i'm not bitter that he has power locks, power windows, power steering and ac.... not bitter at all... gah! he's pressed even though he doesn't want to admit it... he bought car freshner... new car smell.. but hey, i would buy car freshner too.

anyways. that is all.

peace.

soundtrack: aphex twin: mookid

this weekend was weird. on saturday night, we had a bridal shower for a couple at our church who are getting married. i think for the mere fact that it was at our house and not church that everybody and their momma decided to show up. so, the house was packed and things were just getting into full swing when all of a sudden, the power went off. yes, like 60-80 sweaty (no power = no ac) people in one place and the power goes off. of course the weather people lied and said that it was going to be a beautiful rain-free weekend, but it rained that evening. anyways, so we were without power for two hours before it magically came on again. by that time things were winding down and some people already left.

anyways, al, al's friend and i were chillin' in al's room watching x-files; i think it was about one in the morning, when we heard this loud crack. i thought it was a gunshot at first, but then i could hear the tingle of glass. all three of us sat there for a moment quiet and then i said, "i think it was a car." we rushed downstairs and looked out the window. right in front of our driveway was a car, which looked like it was rear-ended pretty badly. after a bit of just staring and arguing with mom (she didn't want the boys to go out and see if anybody was in the car and needed help), we finally went outside. we realized that the car was our next door neighbor's, which was parked on the street. a couple stopped by and said that they saw what happened: a jeep hit the car at full speed, stopped, made a uturn and fled. there was nobody in the hit car; it was just parked. the police ran off and looked for the jeep, but they soon called off their search when, i guess, the parents called the police and told them that their daughter hit the car. actually, they came to our house yesterday thinking that the hit car was ours; their jeep was pretty damaged.

i couldn't sleep after since the tow truck came around 4am in the morning and the cat was crying for timon; he's at this pre-engineering camp thing for a week. i have to admit i miss the kid myself; no jokes or spontaneous singing.

since the brother is not here and i'm not working yet (and i am working on that), i ran errands for him. i went to the library to make copies of documents and renew my books when i found out that i *still* have a fine on my card. i was confused; i already paid the $45, but apparently the woman didn't clear my card. i'm so mad. the only way i can prove it is by finding my receipit and i have no idea where i put it. i've been jipped.

ugh! LS hasn't emailed me back and i'm wondering if i accidently deleted his email if he sent one. oops. i've been trying to get in touch with people that i haven't talked to in awhile. naj finally emailed me back but i've called T twice and he hasn't returned my calls. i don't know what's up or why he would even stop talking to me anymore. *chi ponders* i don't know.

i'm sorry for these entries; even i'm disappointed in myself. they're so... blah. ooooh. i only sang one solo this weekend. it was good; i managed to memorize and remember all the words. the other solo, overjoyed by stevie wonder, i memorized, but didn't sing. al is picking up his civic that he bought today which means i'm stuck with the p.o.c. yay. the damn thing is falling apart.

peace.

soundtrack: jamiroquai: you give me something

this week was a blur. the whole family was home this week. we (mom, the brothers and i) painted my room (finally) a very nice costa rica blue. dad wasn't too happy about it, but i really like it; it makes my room feel cooler during the day.
nih called me again; my paperwork is still not done. even with a copy of my diploma, i'm still waiting for letters of recommendation (that i asked for in JUNE!). but some of this is my fault; i didn't follow up accordingly. thus, my start date is pushed back yet again. i'm not happy, because i'm poor and my boss is not happy because i know her other fellow already left. it's frustrating.

wednesday, i went up to school to pick up my diploma and see if i could talk to some professors. my diploma is beautiful; it says: bachelors of science biochemistry and molecular biology. nic came by to do lunch and we laughed about how the whole thing could hardly fit on one line. it was good to see nic though and we spent most of the time laughing, mostly about the people that i ran into within the span of 20 minutes: nic's crazy ex-roommate, our biochem lab prof, etc. we laughed the hardest about the boy. since he was up at school, counselor for incoming scholars he was planning on joining us. he told nic that he would be in the chem tutorial center, so we stopped by. we asked at the front desk for him when we didn't see him and this girl was so ghetto and called out, "has anybody seen the boy!" this one guy goes, "he's probably sleep," and his whole table snickers. this other ghetto girl goes, "i know where he be!" nic and i cover our mouths so we don't laugh outloud; the boy seems to have a reputation. the second ghetto girl continued, "he's probably at the gym," she cocked her head and tapped her pen on the desk. nic and i think the same thing: the boy seems to have a fan club too. we sauntered to the gym, but he wasn't there. we gave up because it was too hot to walk around anyways. talking to the boy later, he grilled me about the second ghetto girl. "who was she? what did she look like?" he demanded. i really didn't know, i didn't get a good look at her. funny, funny stuff.

yesterday, the brothers, a couple of church friends of ours and i went to kings dominion. is it possible to get too old for amusement parks? anyways, i'm not a rollercoster person, but i got on the rebel yell... backwards. i was going to go on the volcano, but watching it, i seriously got scared. i remember when i got coerced to go on the tower of terror; i swear, i almost had a heart attack. i wasn't trying to have another one. all in all, it was a good day. they said that it was going to rain, but it didn't by the time we left. unfortunately, we ran into severe thunderstorms on the way back home. i was glad that i wasn't driving.

i also tried not to get on any rides that would cause me to scream; i'm singing tomorrow (two solos) and i have rehersal today. our music director calls me a soloist and i'm like: please don't put that on me. i can sing, yes. i'm a singer, of course. a soloist... i don't know. i think i need more training for that. i am no beyonce.

peace.

[oh... LS has yet to email me back and i know he's back in town... wishful thinking....]

i wrote this yesteday, but unfortunately my connection cut off..

soundtrack: oasis: stop crying your heart out

i was checking email last night and i received an email from a umbc friend of mine. we met freshman year when we all lived on the same dorm floor. so she emailed the group of us announcing her engagement. first of all, i didn't even know that she went out with anyone (apparently, they have been going out for awhile). anyways, i think i should make an availability checklist of friends because i think i'll be checking alot of people's names in the next 2-3 years.

alot of my friends are getting married and i guess i really shouldn't be surprised since we are that age now. i don't know. i'm sort of indifferent about the whole idea of marriage and kids. but what do i know, right? i'm single.

mom is worried about the lack of relationships i've had over the crucial years of high school and college. 'chi,' she tells me, 'if you don't meet anybody now, you're never going to meet anybody...' man, i just don't know sometimes. i'm not good at meeting new people. i revert back to my awkward, shy self that i thought i left a long time ago. people's first impression of me is usually arrogance because i just stare and listen. it's strange when my friend is selling me as this wild, overexuberant person and are disappointed when i meekly wave my hand in the general direction of this stranger that i'm 'forced' to me. if i'm like that around everybody, can you just imagine me around men? i'm a complete wreck. whenever somebody mentions anything about me and guy going out, i roll my eyes (i really do!). it's like i have some need to put on this 'independent' air about myself. i know i've scared turned alot of guys away by my aloof attitude. i don't know what i'm protecting myself from.
i just don't care anymore. i have learned to tune out those relationship urges awhile ago. i'm tired. i think i'm too much of a loner; that's why i enjoy research so much. of course, sometimes we just want company and to hang out, and i don't mind that. but sometimes you just want time to yourself, you know what i mean? i can work by myself all day and be completely content.

thus because of my 'fear of people', i have no existing social life to date. while everybody is somewhere else doing something, it seems like i'm the only one that will probably be cleaning my room out or curling up to a book, especially this 4th of july weekend. the rents are going somewhere in nj and they were trying to drag me along, but i declined. i am definitely a homebody; i'll stay at home any chance i get to go out, but then end up being bored when the friends that used to invite me out don't even bother anymore.

is there any home for me? a 23-year old with no relationship and no social life?

anyways, enough of that. the only reason why i'm thinking about that stuff is because i have nothing else to think about. watch... when i start working, that's all going to be pushed to the back of my brain. i have about a week left before i finally start working. finally. i need money. i know i keep on saying that i'm poor and blah blah, but with the sudden onslaught of bills and school loans to pay back and my hair needs to be done and the fact that my car is a piece of sh*t (i just want a new better car... a car with ac is all i ask for...), the money is just not there. it seems that everybody in our house is short on money. blah.

anyway. this entry is done. don't be like me: go and do something. don't worry about me, i'll be fine. i've always been fine.

peace.

***

now, it seems i am doing something for the 4th, practically involuntary of me. dad thought it would be great to invite guests over like TODAY! there should be some rule that you can't do that to your family. there are firecrackers going off outside my house, rattling the windows; somebody is celebrating just a little early.

so i went to the gym today and i met another high school friend of mine. like me, she just graduated (from cp) and is currently living at home ('aren't we all?' she joked with me). unfortunately, she's looking for a job and not really coming up with anything. it seems that everybody is looking for a job nowadays (thanks bush!). anyways, the whole encounter was interesting. you know how it is: there is the inital rush of talking and 'oh my gosh', followed by the uncomfortable silence before the parting of ways. no plans for lunch or shopping or phone numbers/emails exchanged. we didn't really know each other like that, i suppose. but it's funny, the people you used to hang out with are the people you can't stand. we talked about our mutual friend and how one of his good friends 'accosted' him one day, which he found quite disturbing. in the past, acquaintances passed for good friends and now, the other way around. 'he talks about you all the time,' she commented to me. interesting. i think we have a reunion coming around the corner.
in our short conversation, we also discussed LS. apparently, i didn't know how 'famous and busy' he really was.

anyways, i have some emails and some phone calls to make.

peace.