soundtrak: jazzanova: soon

i think the only significant thing that happened to me this year is that i finally finished my undergraduate work and graduated after five long years. i learned that there are still people that i can't trust and people out there just waiting to give me love. i learned that i can have great abs... and i can lose them too. i learned that it's ok to take a break and breathe, but in the end, i still miss school. i learned i can act like a player (just i can act like one, doesn't make me one...), but i'm still bitter. i learned that even though i'm a bit weathered, i'm still naïve too.


for the year of 2004, i want to:

1. complete one story: i have this problem where i start a story, go for about 30 pages or more and then scrap it at the end. if i complete just one, then we can think about writing a novel...
2. make time for myself at the gym/treat my body better: and get back my killer abs.. oh how i miss you so. but really, i need to get back to my lifting regimen.. even if that means waking up 5 in the morning. i really used to enjoy the time that i spent by myself in the gym; some me time.
3. learn how to ride a motorcycle: i should learn how to ride one before i buy one, right?
4. spend more time with God: it's bad enough that i don't have time for myself, but i've been really lagging on my time and study with God. i'm starting to mix my verses together and that's not good; if you're gonna spread the truth, you gotta tell the truth. word.
5. write a song: lyrics and singing and everything... crispy, gurl, you're gonna help me with this one
6. go on vacation: not to kenya, not with family... but like a real, let-the-bellboy-get-that vacation. i deserve that since i didn't go anywhere for graduation
7. go out on a date: hard as it may to believe (i know, i know), i have never been out on date... ever. it's sad and pathetic and i don't want to have to tell my children (or nieces and nephews) that.

that's all that i have for now. i'm sure i'll be adding to the list. anywhos... so much more going on, but i'm still busy. i just wanted to post before the year's end. look up people! 2004 is upon us! happy new year!

peace.

soundtrak: bob marley: rainbow country

henry kissinger once said, "great things are done by naïve people... they don't know that it can't be done." unfortunately, i'm not that naïve.

i'm too moody. not angry, too bitter. and not satisfied.

peace.

soundtrak: zero 7: likufanele

so i'm home sick today. i hope i don't have the flu, but i'm tired and my body aches.

yesterday, Mic and i walked over to building 10 for lunch. walking through the hallways, we ran into JM, who i haven't seen in awhile. they've already started their med school interviews. Mic and JM compared their interviews at cor.nell. before, i had never heard of a 'stress interview'; it's basically where they interview you and just bombard you with mostly negative comments, to see if you can handle the stress that medical school, blah, blah, blah. so supposedly this practice is extinct now, but is anything really ever gone? Mic told us of her stress interview; the guy was yelling at her, telling her she was nothing, attacking her ideals and heritage.. and then refused to shake her hand at the end of it all, even when she offered it. i don't know how i would of handled all that... catch at the wrong time and i probably would of started crying. and the thing was it was as if she was randomly 'picked' cos he didn't interview everyone the same way. hmm.
and i thought i had it bad; JM was harried being that he had been working late into the night (like one in the morning... geez!) and came back early that morning. but JM has this thing about him. he always makes me laugh with his stories, he's so animated. such a sharpe contrast to K, whose moodiness i will never understand.

talking about K... i was finishing up my experiment, spinning down my cells in the equipment room, where K was working on his own thing. i was taking my samples out when he started talking to me about... of course, my applications. i was distracted though; my tube was stuck. and stuff like this always seems to happen to me: something gets stuck and somebody has to help me... i hate it... it makes me look incompetent... and so here it was stuck and K had to help me. i went to go get pliers while he tried to remove the tube. when i came back, he removed it, but my cells had gone back into solution. another ten minute spin. gah. that boy...

it's miserable outside; just dark, damp and raining. now that i think about it, i hope they don't think i'm skipping work to see LOTR. i haven't even seen the first two yet. i should make the most of my day, working on my applications and CV. maybe read a little.

goodmorning.

peace.

soundtrak: madonna: don't tell me

this week has been serious crap. i almost had a breakdown today; i was just feeling so overwhelmed with looming graduate application stuff, emailing professors, writing essays... AND running experiments. and K was not making it a better day for me. other than the fact that HE'S STILL HERE (!!), the brother is just moody. and he was in his pompous ass mood today and i wasn't feeling it at all. truby trio: one and the same ... that song goes out to you man..

and it seems that now i'm taking all my aggression out on the people that can't drive.... i mean, LEARN HOW TO DRIVE!! it's not that hard... gosh, if people could just drive, i wouldn't get so agitated and cut them off! gah!

so i'm talking with naj.. happy birthday gurl (18th; so i won't be bad and forget). planning a trip to philly. i am definitely getting out this state next month.

and that's the end of that entry. short. sweet and to it's crappy point: just say no... always say no...

edit: sometimes i feel like a little girl trapped in a woman's body, just wishing and waiting for the day that she can finally break out..

goodnight.

peace.

soundtrak: the fugees: killing me softly with his song

despite the extra sleep i got today, i'm still tired.

friday was an interesting day. dr. w told me not to come in if it was icy. that morning, i woke up to icy roads and the federal government open (boo!). i was truly going to stay in bed (like my brothers, who, for them, school was closed), but mom told me i could take the train and i started to think of my 20 cultures growing.
so i took the train. and i will never take the train ever again. a 40 minute commute turned into two hours and sore thighs (from those danggone escalators... you always think you can walk up all the way; i'm so out of shape...). got in, nobody was round and Mic was locked out of her lab. i stayed with her for awhile, waiting with her to see if somebody would show up (and in the science world, you know somebody always does...). as i went to open up my own lab, K walks by and shoots me a smile. boo. whatever.
so i get to work, doing what i gotta, when Mic runs in. "chi, you gotta help me with this machine," she's looking frantic. i go with her and see and sure enough the incubator is going manic and her culture is trapped. it just so happens that the tech for most of our equipment is in K's lab, so we walk over. the tech isn't in, but of course K has to add his two cents. while we wait outside for a postdoc to come out and look at the problem, Mic whispers to me, "isn't he supposed to be gone?" referring to K. isn't he though?! i shug. the postdoc explains the problem with the 'bator and rescues Mic's sample. drama in the morning; gotta love it.
so i get back to work and dr. w walks in late. she is so awsome, this woman. words can even express; she is so cool. i stand in awe of her. i leave early and just as i get my stuff together, Mic walks in and we walk to the metro together. we talk about the whole K situation, why maryland is so scared of the snow and medical/graduate school. so friday ended up being a very interesting day indeed.

so today we had this youth program that was entirely set up by my girl, a senior in high school. i'm so proud of her. her mother came up to me this evening and thanked me for keeping her on the straight and narrow. but i really can't take the credit for that. kids decide if they want to listen to what you're saying or not; she was just smart enough to listen and do what she had to do. and i'm proud of her because of that.

i have been so bad with remembering everybody's birthdays (sorry crispy and boy), but i need to give a shout out to my boy, jeremy... i'm sorry i missed it, but happy belated. 24?! man, i'm gonna be there soon...

gotta go; snl: rev. al sharpton? this i have to see...

peace.

soundtrak: alicia keys: you don't know my name

(really don't like this song, but enjoy the video; mos def is looking good...)

so instead of typing up my statement of purpose this evening (which is done; i just need to type it up, combine it, have it proofread and i'm good), i kill my cell phone battery by talking on the phone. caught my boob (the new B) on a study break and talked for three hours. anywhos, good luck on finals everyone.

experiments are going. fine tuning is so annoying; i've been working on these growth curves for a week now. so i'm getting a swig of gatorade from the fridge... it's hilarious cos our floor has a fridge and when i'm drinking out the bottle, i sure do leave that fridge door open... like i live there or something. so anyways, i'm swigging gatorade when, of all people, K walks by (why is he still here?! go to school or something! geez!!) and i decide, if he's going to continually 'harass' me about grad school, i'm going to ask him for his help. so i did. thus the writing of the statement of purpose and the proofreading and such. yay me.

this week seems to be passing by like a cold wind. tired than usual though; i think my anemia is getting worse, if it can do that. so they say it's might be a snow storm starting tomorrow to saturday... saturday?! that's crazy talk. we'll see what happens. goodnight.

peace

soundtrak: jazzanova: soon/wasted time

i was good today; i worked on grad school apps. i'm only applying to 3-4 programs, but already i have calculated that i'll spend, the least, $300 on everything. i don't want to even think about it. goodbye shoes. goodbye clothes.
also, i haven't been to the gym in forever and i'm feeling mighty sluggish. the only time i have to go is in the morning... like 6 in the morning. so that means that i would have to wake up before 6, to dress, get in the car and drive over. just thinking about it makes me just want to sleep in. i don't know; we'll see.

this weekend i didn't get to meet up with D, nic and the boy, unfortunately, but i did get to meet up with old high school friends of mine including CB and naj. saturday night, CB came to pick me up. we almost called off the whole thing because naj came down with some sort of flu and CB, being the picky, cynical girl she is, didn't want to go out if naj wasn't going to go (why ask why; that's the way she is). after coaxing from P, naj decided that she would venture out after all. CB didn't even get a chance to ring the doorbell; i opened the door and looked out. she was skinner than 5 years before. "that's what hard drugs will do to you," she told me later, when she dropped me back home. but it didn't matter; she's CB. "hug me girl," she said and we embraced. the relationship between CB and i is odd, to say the least. i'm the goody and she's the 'no-good' (her words). we don't really have alot of things in common; even in high school, other than orchestra. but we get along well, so we overlook that stuff i suppose. she smokes and drinks; i don't. i carry my wallet in my back pocket; she carries a purse.
along with CB and naj, was P and sol. i think was closer to P and sol more in high school than my college years. but conversation is never awkward with five people in one car; there's always something to talk about. we ate near rockville, caught some coffee (hot cocoa for me) and drove around for awhile, catching up. driving around, we passed the best buy and the conversation turned to, of all people, B. apparently, he's a manager now and dates a coworker there. i kept my mouth firmly closed as not to utter something i would regret. this side of B that i've gotten to know so well 5 years ago, nobody else knows about or cares to know.
later, standing outside with CB, a cigarette between her lips, i told her about the forgotten, unknown side of B. she told me about her trip to the hospital senior year. when i was gone; i didn't know anything that happened senior year despite the fact that i still went to classes everyday. "it's amazing you know," she paused to exhale, "the things you find out about people when it was all happening in front of all our eyes." isn't it though?

today is world aids day. i wore red today. i wore red for my aunts who have passed, for my cousins (babies) who have passed, for my uncles who have passed, for my foster brothers and sisters, for my family who have died.. who is dying of aids. i bet you know one person with aids. maybe even some of you know a family member with aids. know a family member who has died from aids. i know of my family, not one, not two, not even a dozen, who have died of this.
they say that hiv/aids is not a death sentence. you can live with it. but over there, back home, it is a death sentence. there is nothing to be done. there is no money for the medicine that is so far away anyway. the reality is death. my favorite aunt couldn't even afford to take the test to tell her why she was sick. and now i have three more brothers and two sisters. you cry with the first one, you get angry with the fourth and you don't know what to say to the child with no mom and no dad, who is waiting to die.
so i urge you, before you turn your head, before you sit and do whatever you need to do for yourself today or for the rest of the month, do something for somebody else living with (dying of) hiv/aids.
that's why i'm going to be a doctor; so i don't see the rest of my family die.

rip auntie; i love you.


peace