soundtrak: jazzanova: L.O.V.E. and you and i

i'm not sure if i should just go ahead and go on hiatus already. work has picked up dramatically in the past week and i'm giving a presentation in two weeks time (i know some of these scientists were wondering if i ever do talk). it's not going to be that bad; only 10-15 minutes, so i don't feel as intimidated as i should.
working on other projects including some websites. it's been so long since i've actually sat down and designed something. i used to have so much time in college. trying to get some stories going, but lack of time is draining the inspiration, which has just sprung upon me as of late.

bbq is back in town; to stay it seems. i'm trying to be the 'chi' that i truly am and not this conception of what i think he wants to see in me. apparently when you take a year off, you have time to think about these things. i need to be a better friend to him for the sake of our relationship and i think that's how things can truly become better. and i can see it's already working.
T and i just seemed fated to be friends. talking one night we found out that we used to live near each other, when we were too young to realize that we did; both of us on either side of this massive hill. then there was middle school and high school, where we were acquaintances of acquaintances and we would greet each other with head nods. and then there was college, where we were introduced and we said at the same time, "we've already met." T is such a great friend to me; i don't think he knows how much i appreciate him.
K-man is sporadic; appearing when only he need appear. everything about him: his time, his terms, his conversation topic. chi don't operate like that and i think it's about time i show him. stop recycling your lines; they're old.

i haven't been sleeping well lately. tired, i lay in bed. with my eyes closed, i toss and turn. people ask me what's bothering me so much that i haven't been able to sleep in a month and i honestly couldn't tell you. i don't know. i still don't know. and i still can't sleep.

so like i said, i don't know if i should just go on hiatus already. stop worrying that i haven't written anything in several days. a week. two weeks. it takes me days just to check my email, so maybe i should. i can only allow myself the time for short outbursts of thought and incentive, to which can be found at etcetera. how long will it be, you ask? i don't know. as long as it takes to get through presentations and posters, taxes and bills, programs and outings, grad school interviews and letters of rejection. march madness and final four. we'll see, taking it one day at a time.

peace.

(this song, i listen to every morning and every night. at first listen, it's a babel, a confusion of beats and sounds and words, but then as you listen to it more and more, it becomes something.)

soundtrak: ian pooley: caught up

i'm sniffing my shirt just now and it smells like e. coli. nice. i had an unusually long day at the lab today, and i say unusual because i plan so that i can leave no later than 5pm everyday. but i guess i should be grateful; my strains turned out to be ok after all... i came up with the brilliant idea that... well, you don't want to hear it... it's just science talk... but i ended up hosing down my bench and equipment and it seemed to help cut out the infection... eat that K!

ok, enough of that science talk. as for the rest of my life, there is nothing really interesting going on. i know i should be making the best of what i have now: living and eating and no paying of the insurances of the car for free thanks to the parents, actually having time to do stuff after i done for the day. i know it's not going to be like this in graduate school and yet, i sit in my house night after night and do diddly squat. other than the fact that i have no money (yes, i really don't have any money.... the paying of the school loans has begun...), i really don't have any excuse.

gah. i have so many issues... so many... i don't even know where to begin... i'm a messed up being, i'm telling you. sometimes i just ignore them all, wishing for them to go away.. believing that i don't have to deal at all with them. and then they hit me full force, all the same time. and i just can't *deal* with all of this... i can't even come to the point where i can actually recognize and vocalize my issues. even just admitting my problems with my issues... these words have taken months to work towards the surface. i don't know; that's been bothering me for awhile.

craving the end of this week for my reward: three day weekend. God bless the united states government.

peace.

soundtrak: gilles peterson: the truth

things have been strange as of late. work, relationships, just me. i don't know how to explain it. it's almost like an out of body experience; i'm watching all this stuff go on and i (feel like i) can't do anything to change it.

it seems that K is in for the long run. i don't know what made him decide to change his mind and *stay*, but now i have to deal with it. (i.e. random conversation about 'the boob' ... you know who's boob i'm talking about...). hopefully i'll be leaving after one year.
i don't know if i would continue as a graduate student in the lab. it would be a good idea considering that my project is crap right now. i keep on running into problems which is keeping everything at a standstill. right now, it seems there is some sort of infection with my strains, so i have to figure out what all that's about before i continue. it's frustrating.

i'm also waiting to hear from grad schools; just one interview... all i need is one.

somedays, i just don't care anymore. i don't care if the things i hope for never happen. i don't care that my car is crap. i don't care that i'm trying to be better. it's more than apathy, more than laziness. not contemplatency. not selfishness. i don't feel bad about it. i don't feel ecstatic. i don't feel anything; i feel numb. somedays, it's like that.

peace.

soundtrak: jazzanova: takes you back (unexpected dub)

first of all, i just want to say thank you everyone who called or emailed me to wish me a happy birthday. i want to especially thank mac n' cheese, crispy and Mic, who took me out to cheese.cake factory. what had to be the greatest was when the kids i tutor surprised me with a card and cake. you gotta love the kiddies...
i don't know what it feels like to be 24. timon said it best: "just one more year, and then half your life is over, dogg." i know that's not true... i guess because i've just been feeling like i'm floating, going in no direction. i'm lukewarm; neither hot nor cold. not that change or whatever it is needs to be that extreme, but i want to feel some sort of satisfaction; i want to feel the difference.

we have a new postdoc that started in the lab this week. he hails from ga, fresh out of graduate school. as we talked; him about his experiences in grad school and i, about the department and the people in it. one of the things that had been bothering me for awhile is this whole 'break' i'm taking from school. i feel like i should be just breaking out with degrees when i'm still young and fresh. but i'm starting to realize that it's ok to take a break and i'm not the only one doing so and just as long as you have the passion... cos you need the passion.

there is more that i want to say, but i don't know how to put it yet. too much running through my head. maybe later.

peace.