soundtrak: coldplay: don't panic

i really need to be asleep. i've been tired lately. seems like i never get enough sleep.

bbq and i talked last night. for an hour as he drove home from dc. i don't like to talk to people when they're driving; i don't want to be the cause written on an accident/death report: cause of death: talking to chi on the phone. we talked about how our weeks were going. i promised myself that i would tell him why i ran off last week. like i mentioned before, i left a message and mentioned that i needed to talk to him about it. but when he finally asked, i began to stutter. stutter and cover. i'm sad, i know. i did mention the anxiety, well after the fact and i wonder when he'll put two and two together and figure out the real reason why i disappeared. hmm.

contacted graduate programs monday. there is still hope: they're still going through candidates. i'm praying that i get into one. just one. starting to look at various plan b's which lots of hesitation. i know what i want, but will i get it? i have to wait and see.

did i mention? on sunday, while at union station, we saw leon harris... newscaster from channel 7. as he's walking by, talking to the female companion with him, T goes: isn't that the guy that does sports? and leon (i've seen the man face up.. and in a muscle shirt... so we're on a first name basis now...) goes (or more like yells, cos he's still walking away): no. news! this is true. T then mumbles: yeah, on channel 9 and i swear to you, leon yells from i don't know how many yards away: no. channel 7! it was just too funny; we were rolling on the floor laughing. T says: that fool... and quickly looks over his shoulder to see if he heard that too. let's keep on moving he added and we were still laughing. too funny.

ok. i'm out.

peace.

soundtrak: coldplay: shiver

it's too much to go into what happened the rest of this week. i'll go into it later.

anyways, today we (as in Mic, crispy, T, JK and i) went to the cherry blossom festival today. kind of a mini-birthday celebration for Mic, who's birthday was yesterday.



the blossoms are blooming, but not in full bloom yet. everybody was running a little late, so we just caught the last of the performances of the day.



it was the first time i saw T since pentagon city, so i was finally able to give him his birthday present. short stories by langston hughes. he loved it more than i thought he would. by six, we were looking for a place to eat. we decided to go to uno's at union station.



dinner was filled with lots of laughter and reminicing about times at umbc. for T, it seemed more like lamenting. i didn't know the real reason why he left umbc until tonight. but i had to give him some credit; he's a determined man as well as a diligent student. he shouldn't have regrets about the time he spent there. i know i don't.

all in all, it was a great outing.



back to bbq. he was going to come out with us today, but he ended up with prior obligations. i realize now that we do need to talk about what happened last week. i realize that i have an anxiety problem that is now starting to get worse. i also realize that we have not really talked openly about our friendship; i don't know what he's thinking and half the time, i don't know how to treat him. as a friend, i watch myself and withdraw so that he in turn won't withdraw from me thinking that it's because of my feelings for him. i don't know if he realizes that there are feelings lingering still.
but knowing the way bbq is, everything is going to be glossed over, dismissed. but how long can we do that? i told him that we needed to talk about it, but he hasn't mentioned anything about the whole situation at all. *sigh*. the only good thing is that we talk alot more often. not real deep talk, but something of substance. i don't know. we'll see where it all goes.

so tired. need to go to sleep. a long week ahead of me.

peace.

soundtrak: coldplay: yellow

i ran away.

mind you, i waited until the time that bbq was supposed to come. when that time passed, i said goodbye to the new postdoc, i walked out of the building, i got into my car and drove away. as soon as i was off campus, the phone started to ring. and i started to cry. he left a message and i kept on driving. he called again and i turned off the phone. i always do this to him. i always leave him. i always don't show up. i always run away.

i started to go home, but i realized that i didn't want to go there. i had no gas and no money. i stopped by the amoco near my house; the one i like. i filled my tank with gas, all $14 worth and started to drive towards the metro station. i wanted to run away to DC. but where would i get money from? too cheap to pay atm fees, i u-turned and drove towards the city.

before i got there, i branched off to 495, towards virgina. 'what if i just ran away,' i thought to myself, 'just kept on driving and never come back'. i ran to DC because i wanted to see the potomac. i got on GW parkway; i went through a nasty accident. i just kept on speeding and speeding. i was in no condition to be driving, let alone at night.

i took a wrong turn and ended up near the pentagon, and then 395 towards richmond. i exited off somewhere and took awhile to uturn and head back 395 towards the city. i deposited myself downtown on route one. looking at the monument, i swerved through traffic. no condition to be driving. i drove up 14th, ended up in capitol heights. i wondered if i was ever going to find my way home. i followed the cars in front of me and dead-ended at walter reed medical. i knew this place. another turn and i was on georgia, on my way out.

the last 50 miles was a complete blur. my only reminders are my odometer at 50.1, my gas 1/4 gone and my sore right foot, tired of pressing the gas. i'm still at square one. running away didn't do anything for me. i'm afraid to hear the message he left me; him filled with hope that i'll come bounding down the stairs, eager for him waiting for me.
i have to explain myself to him. probably gonna lie like i always do. something came up, work kept me. family emergency. anything but the truth.

but don't i owe him the truth?

but even i don't know the truth. i do it every time and still don't know why i run away. i'm the one that creates the tension, the akwardness. my fear creates the fear. my anxiety is what holds us back from ever getting anywhere. this is a problem. this is an issue that i need to resolve. it's affecting me negatively.
i messed up again. i messed up so bad. it's such a mess. i made a mess of everything.

i need help.

help me.

soundtrak: oasis: don't go away



to make the long story short:

- i finally saw bbq face to face after 8 months. our relationship is difficult. i want to show him that i can be a friend and i don't have to be more, but i feel that he wants more. i need to get the chi version of bbq out of my head because that's what i want and that's what doesn't exist. but when i try so hard not to watch him, i can feel his eyes on me.

- i thought that LS never showed up, but only to find out that he showed up late. if your friend was holding a programme and you showed up late, wouldn't you at least come into the building and see if they were still around. what if you came in and you found your friend making fun of you... found out that she was making fun of you all along. i hope that didn't happen. i have yet to find out.

other things:

- i haven't talked to T in two weeks. i seriously thought he was avoiding me, but he finally returned my call this evening. it seems that T has practically the answers to everything, even my two dilemmas mentioned above. where does he get all this wisdom from... i have yet to find out. he had to catch a bus, so he's calling me back later.

- i've been really busy at work. so busy in fact that i haven't been to lab meeting two weeks in a row. so now it's an event to for K and i to run into each other in the hallway. not an event for me so much as for him. i think he misses me, which i find quite amusing. last friday, he was talking to someone in the hallway as i walked back and forth with plates and bottles of reagents. i knew he was watching me, wondering where i'd been. this morning, i went to get some plates out of the incubator and i literally ran into him. literally. he laughed and i huffed annoyed. beware of construction.

- so how long have i lived in the DC area? and i have yet to go to one national cherry blossom festival. T says i should be shot. T lives in DC. anyways, it's more for the fact that i want to take some pictures of things (i.e. cherry blossoms) rather than go to the festivities. Mic's birthday is this saturday. i promised that i would do something with her and since my saturday is jammed packed (as always), i suggested the festival on sunday. i'm trying to get a group together, mostly for the fact that i don't like to do anything by myself (even eat out... what's the fun in that). so i'm planning that... geez, i'm always planning it seems... i need a life!

i missed you marcus.

peace.

soundtrak: ian pooley: brother (original vibe)

so i'm back for a bit. my presentation was supposed to be in a week's time, but due to other circumstances, it was moved up to ... today. it wasn't that bad. i was the one that was once mute for many months and hark! she speaks! i think the funny thing about it was that everybody expected me to be bad (not in a mean way; just because i don't have as much knowledge and experience as everybody else does), but i was suprisingly good. i know if i had to wait another two weeks, i would be beside myself in anxiety.
i took the joy in knowing that K didn't know i was presenting at all, let alone today. but somebody must of told him, cos he was the first one and early, in fact. usually, he's coming in late and quietly closing the door behind a lab meeting already in session. the brother is moody, dare i say, moodier than me. *sigh* it can't be helped.

i'm playing a trick on little brother. the other day we were driving back from tutoring (he tutors also; darn good math tutor in fact) and he starts to tell me about this guy who came in to talk to his health class about choices. a senior at UMD. i might know this guy. as timon went along giving me a description, it was then i realized that he was describing LS, of all people. i started to laugh, asking him if he remembered his name. then i finally laid it on him; LS used to go to the same high school... we used to go to school together. don't you remember, i invited him to church... to which timon begins to scream. loudly. and like a girl. and i just can't stop laughing. and i'm laughing for days. i'm laughing right now. 'you don't understand chi, i introduced myself to him,' he moaned and i laughed even harder. still laughing, i emailed LS back and added at the end of the email to how much he 'inspired' timon. evil? i think not... quite hilarious though. so LS emailed back today and i can't even describe the excitement in that email. i was at work trying not to burst out laughing. oh i can't wait; this is gonna be good.

it seems that these days, i'm been getting sicker than usual. this coming from the one that never gets sick. i started to get a sore throat the beginning of this week, my boss looking at me like there was something seriously wrong with me getting sick at least three times in one month. i don't know if it's stress or lack of sleep. all i know is that it's annoying as hell.

anyways, i should go take this time and read or balance my checkbook and pay some bills. isn't maryland playing today? they need to get their stuff together.

peace.