soundtrak: telepopmusic: breathe

talk about your prophetic dreams... so, i didn't get into the graduate programs that i applied to. but like in the dream, i was suprisingly calm instead of upset. even i surprise myself with this. i don't know. it's not that i'm necessarily relieved, but with the circumstances (8 slots and over 100 applicants at UMAB), i knew that there would be people out there better than me. i'm just lucky to be in a place where i have support and people willing to help me with the next steps i have to make. so, i'm applying to some master's programs that are still open. i don't know if i should work through that or take loans and just concentrate on school. eventually, i see myself jumping into a PhD program at that time. i suppose, the sky is the limit.

anyways, there are some other issues that need to be addressed, but i'm currently at work and thus... should be working. so that's all for now.

peace.

soundtrak: nightmares on wax: soul-ho

ok. as you can probably tell, i'm feeling much better. and if you don't know, you missed it, sorry. i just have alot of issues that are pressing down on me and i don't know if i'm really ready to confront and talk about them right now. sometimes i just get so worked up that i feel i'm going to bust, but then i just numb out and try to ignore the problems i have.

pretty much the same old: worrying about grad school, working my butt off, no sleep, no rest, no relaxation, crap, crap, crap and etc. i think i just need to repeat this particular experiment one more time and then i'm done with it; been doing this particular experiment for a month or two. i'm glad cos the procedure takes forever to do. but good results often mean that they will have to be presented. i know that's going to come soon and i need to be working on this poster that i have to present at the beginning of may. the joy.

it's a beautiful weekend and the cicadas haven't come out yet, so i'm going to positively do something tomorrow. cos i don't plan to be out and about this summer, believe you me.



peace

soundtrak: mankind liberation front: safe from the sun?

to make the long story short....the list:

- last week was hell... 15 hour work days all week and my experiments were just going wrong...
- i missed all my rehearsals last week due to work. the policy is: no rehearsal, no performance. thus, no solo and no violin piece.
- kings beat the lakers today... anybody beating the lakers just makes me feel better
- nobody called me this week... nobody at all.. not even T
- i feel like crap.. and so does my self esteem
- i remember when i used to go the gym all the time. daily. religiously. now... now, i don't.
- not only do i feel like crap, i look like it too..
- add my car to the crap list
- last week, on my way home, some guy tried to talk to me.. just like tlc song: hangin' out the passenger side of his best friend's ride, trying to holla at me...
- today, while i was vacuuming out my car at the local gas station, some random guy walking by told me i was sexy and offered to vacuum out my car for me. i declined.
- the new postdoc is making it a point to 'leave before [me]" everyday. on friday, i left before him, but stopped by the bathroom. when i came out, i heard the 'ding' of the elevator and saw him standing there. we both ran for the elevator. but he won; he made it out of the building first.
- the new postdoc and i keep each other company when everybody else leaves at 5. we average about 4-6 hours on afterhours.
- i haven't written anything in awhile.
- i'm feeling animosity towards bbq today for no reason.
- i'm doing two weeks of laundry today
- last night, i had a dream that i was a vide-ho in g. unit's new video. my job was to snuggle with the cute one. i'm thinking it was the rice i ate last night... i haven't eaten rice in awhile.
- mom and i are fighting again. about nothing... again.
- the simpsons are on.

peace.

soundtrak: bob marley: keep on moving

work has been keeping me busy. the things i do for science... i have to present a poster (on my research), which i haven't even started working on, in a month. yay. i told myself today that i had to leave the lab while the sun was still up. i did, thus i am here.

last night i had a dream that i got letters from all the graduate programs that i applied to. all the letters were thin...

did i mention? the day after i ran away, i was working at a frantic pace. on one of my five-minute one-minute 30 second breaks, i checked my email and got one from M. she got into graduate school and she rubbed it in my face. and i kid you not, i started to hyperventilate. how did she get in and i haven't heard anything yet? does that mean i didn't get in? my mind was racing. my experiments were left to the wayside; i couldn't think straight. i walked back and forth from lab to freezer to incubator... i didn't know what i was doing. i was having an anxiety attack. walking back from the incubators, trying to trace my steps in my jumbled mind, i ran into K (and did i mention? he's married... that's another different story...). 'you don't look too good,' he said. 'i can't breathe,' i told him. he sat me down and i told him everything that was going on, short of the running away... not even i quite understand that. he talked to me for an hour about the different options i still had if i didn't get into grad school this year. he made sure i was calm and breathing before he let me go.
despite all the drama (he's married for goodness sake! it was funny how i found out: he was presenting during lab meeting; staring at his hand, i noticed he was wearing a ring.. and it wasn't a class ring either... it was a pretty one)... um.. like i was saying, despite all the drama, he's really a good guy. i give him a +1.

in the 'other' department, with easter coming up, there are solos and pieces to be played. i haven't practiced anything. i think i had an article due today, but i haven't even started on that either. i wrote a proposal last night that i have to present on monday.

yo, i need to go relax... or at least try to..

peace.