soundtrak: lauryn hill: adam lives in theory

this is the first time in a long time that i've actually just been surfing on the computer. many entries on many blogs and journals i have missed. i think it's been about a month or so. which reminds me: i need to buy a laptop. school is starting soon.
yes, school is starting soon. i don't want to jinx anything (not like i actually believe in any of that stuff really), but things are looking good on the school front. that's all that i'm going to say. just know that i'm starting school this fall... so excited. yes, i'm excited about school. anyways, this computer thing... i'm sorry, i have to get a PC... i love the MAC at work (when it's not crashing on me... repeatedly), but i need my PC. i've noticed that biomedical graduate students lean on the MACs. we only have one PC in the lab... and it's hooked to some sort of equipment. which is bad because with the new equipment that i'm going to start using on the 4th floor (yes! 4th floor! accidental bumping?... i think so!), i have to analyze the data on a PC. *feh*

i've been breaking out lately. it's driving me crazy, the one that never breaks out. i don't know if its the stress or summer. i've been washing and scrubbing twice a day, drinking mostly water and still this... sorry. talking about that was stupid, but i mean, yo, i could cook with the oil off my face (and i apologize for that image...). ugh.



i'm kind of in a funk. in a nobody-don't-know-me-leave-me-the-hell-alone kind of funk. people, especially friends, just tell me stuff, give me advice and i'm thinking that the whole world has some sort of animosity against me. i don't know. it's strange. (isn't it strange how my 'it's strange's follow my 'i don't know's... hmm. just noticed that.) i'm just having a hard time trusting anybody right now with anything they have to say. add a side order of apathy and there you have my state of mind. i mean, i'm still working and doing what i gotta do, but it's like i'm doing all the motions. spending alot of time by myself because i just want to; no reason. don't really know what i'm doing this weekend; the fam is off on a church retreat. and if there isn't one thing, i'm really not trying to deal with church people right now. just a select... the rest? i don't care about the rest. screw them and their hypocrisy.

anyways. i'm gone.

peace.

ps. bless the lord.. spell check is back!

soundtrak: lab sounds

wow, that last entry sucked. i apologize. i started writing and then i had to stop in the middle. then i felt i had to finish what i started, but that only made it worse.

anywhos. i'm writing from work because e. coli takes hella long time to grow, especially in minimal media.. but i digress. it's friday and it's graduation week, so naturally everyone has disappeared from the labs. i was going to go to umbc's graduation (which was yesterday), but it completely slipped my mind. big up to my peeps that finally made it out.
i haven't done a whole lot this week. it feels like i'm floundering. i have so much stuff to do, but nothing ever really seems to get done. it's sad really. i feel like i've done nothing of value this whole week. of course, you have to put it all in perspective, but i never do that. i like to believe i'm a loser.

as i reflect back on the outing last saturday (which i failed to mention in the last entry, turned back into a birthday celebration for bbq when i forgot to tell jam that it wasn't, who in turn told JK and BK that is was... so there were birthday cards... *chi rolls eyes and sighs*), i frown on my behavior throughout the whole night; i will call it: when chi is 'on'. i'm usually loud, rambunctious, funny and out of control. i don't know what compels me to act this way; i don't know what i feel i have to act like that. it makes me sad (and often days after an outing or event, i feel depressed) because i feel that these people who i consider my closest friends (but there is also an issue with that, which i hope to harp talk about later) have no idea who i really am. they don't know me when i'm not 'on' because i'm never off. mind you, i try to be serious, but i don't think they take me seriously.
one person mentioned to me (another friend, not apart of this group), when i was in one of my depressive funks, "i like the happy outgoing chi more." well, hell woman! am i putting on a show for you? am i for your entertainment? i told her, "well, i'm not performing today."
i guess this all stems from when my music director sat me down the other day to talk about my behavior for the past couple of rehearsals. actually, he claims that i've been always in the fashion of being nonchalant and snappy towards people, but i don't agree with that. i do know i have been worse than usual for the last couple though. he told me that while my personality is outgoing and 'bubbly', because i do not display it at the right times, people that don't really know me find me to be immature. i know that's how alot of people see me right now; like i can't handle responsibilities. sometimes it bothers me and sometimes i could care less. what aggravates me is that people don't ever give me the chance. yes, people tend, even need to come up with a way to see you, a box to put you in, but i often feel shortchanged in the long run. mr. director claims that i have potential and i'm just not using it. one of my particular pet peeves is people (especially young people) that have potential that they don't use. that's why i'm doing the work that i do with them, to bring that out. i don't consider myself young, so when he said that, i was kind of surprised. i don't know... i feel like i have squandered my potential a long time ago. i feel like it's too late for me to do the things that i really want to do. i don't know why; that's just what i think.
at work, i'm a completely different person. or even when you meet me, i'm conservative and quiet. i do it on purpose. some might think i'm not letting the true me show and sometimes i think i go to the extreme where people think i'm a loner, but anything would be better than if they thought i was a wild child. mr. director says i cannot change myself because of what people think or because i didn't get this position because of what seems to be a maturity issue, but i must change for me. and it will be slow, arduous process, he added. i do want to change because now i'm miserable. but i don't know how; i don't even know how to start. sometimes it's just easy being crazy.

whoa. didn't mean to get all deep like that. and so early in the morning. *chi ponders*

in other news (in list form, but of course):

- T is being all kinds of shade with me right now. he didn't come out on saturday and i haven't talked to him since. i was going to ask if he wanted to go to original's wedding with me, but it's not going to happen. i'm not even going to bother to try.
- K is being all kinds of shade with me right now too. it shouldn't even really matter since he's MARRIED!! (sorry... all caps give it the effect i'm looking for)... but i guess guys can just be that way. so daggone moody all the daggone time...
- the rents are pressuring me to buy a car (crap on wheels sits dormant in the driveway... if i only had a stainless steel bat... that would be alot of fun...). but if i'm going to go to school in DC, i don't see the necessity of it.
- mic had a dream that 4th floor dood asked me out. i wish. only in dreams...
- i can't spell for crap (just ran this through word; what happened to the blogger spell checker? i need that! i'm a bad speller!!)
- blah, blah, blah, blah... blah blah blaaaaaaah

ok. back to work.

peace.

soundtrak: alicia keys: karma/heartburn/diary

my mind is racing. i don't even know where to start. i don't even remember if i know how to write anymore.

friday: i'm still trying to figure out where i'm going take the 12 people coming to my house the next day to eat for what was bbq's birthday dinner, which turned into an outing because of my bitterness. anyways, mic drags me out of the lab to go get some lunch at the clinical center. we get out food, sit and start to eat when poster guy (who i have dubiously named 4th floor dood because *gasp* he works on the 4th floor) walks in. of course, i don't know what he looks like because i'm too shy to ever look his way (and you ask: how do you even know if he's cute or not?), but mic can always pinpoint him out. he looks over my way, gets his food and sits by himself, watching me the whole time. of course, this would be the prime oppertunity to go over and introduce myself, but NO! i freeze in fear (and probably low self esteem). another opportunity past by. i keep on getting them, but they keep on passing me by. i continue the rest of the day trying not to wallow. go to rehersal in a pissed mood only because i've been pissed for the past week or two for no apparent reason.

saturday: wake up, church, pissed off by more people. friends call. more rehersal. head home. people start to come. for some odd reason, bbq is wearing this loud orange shirt... i mean, good lord man, i'm going blind over here. suprise: BK showed up at my doorstep, promted and invited by JK. it's been awhile since i've seen that brotha.
the group included:
mic
crispy
mac n' cheese (m&c)
bbq
jam
JK
BK
jam's girl
buttawrecka

finally around 9pm, we're on our way to the cheese.cake fac.tory. it was an eventfull evening, ending with bbq asking for our waitress' number. i shouldn't of been mad, but i was. it just seemed wrong.

sunday: my *ss was in the lab for most of the day. so i took some random pics while i could. i was going to take pictures outside, but then that would look like i was planning something...

my bench:


my desk:


i need to write more often.

peace.

soundtrak: dj shadow: what does your soul look like - part one

random:



- i don't feel too good. i'm tired, but awake at the same time. just waking up from a nap; i think i must of slept for 5-6 hours. geez. i'm never going to go to sleep now.
- i have to run to the lab tomorrow and take my plates out of the incubator.
- i let one of the kids at church borrow my violin for festival. i trust that he won't lose or destroy my instrument.. i really do
- this lady comes to my aunt's house about once a month to do hair. she's pretty reasonable and i heard she does a good job... so my mom signed me up to go tomorrow.
- bbq ended up calling me for a church member's number. hmm.
- i have to meet this poster guy dood; it's driving me crazy
- i'm wondering why i'm still writing in lists. this is sad.
- the graduate school situation is looking up. right now, it looks like i can get funding and i can get into a program and i can easily switch up to a PhD. i still need to be patient and still need to keep the faith.
- i think the new postdoc likes me...
- ... but i think the new postdoc is going out with the fellow in the lab next door...
- ... who commented my skirt that i wore for poster day last week.
- i need to work on my interactions with others. sometimes i just like to keep to myself. but i get the feeling that people think i'm snobby because i'm not exactly shy. it's hard. sometimes i just get anxious about it and sometimes i force my way through it, suck it up and do it.
- al is back from school. and its funny cos tonight we watched tv together as a family for the first time in months. al just seems to have that effect.



- would it be bad if i decided that i'm going to get a toyota matrix? am i giving up on my saab dream?
- oh. i did invite bbq to the dinner next week. it's not for him anymore.
- i have nap breath, which is like morning breath except worse somehow. eww.
- trying to figure out what i want to do for memorial day weekend. the fam is out on a retreat. my choices right now are sleep, sleep and sleep. and i'm not complaining.
- the cicadas are supposed to be coming out this week. i'm still trying to find a way to get to my car from the house and the lab in the quickest way possible. i'm thinking running...
- i was supposed to be going out this evening with an old middle school friend, who just finished her masters and is leaving the country in three weeks. but she hasn't called me back yet.
- the deadline for one of the masters programs that i'm appling to is the end of the week.
- my sinuses have been blowin' up for the past couple of weeks now. and zyrtec ain't helpin'...
- i'm thinking about buying a domain.. again (the thinking part, not the buying part)...
- i'm starting to feel that apatetic feeling again.
- ok. i'm said enough. goodnight.

peace.

soundtrak: the roots: double trouble

for some reason i can't think in complete sentences... let alone complete paragraphs. i think it's working on this poster; i just used bullet points and half thoughts.

cinco de mayo:

- today was poster day at work.
- the person presenting their poster next me was from kenya. how cool is that? we exchanged emails.
- i saw some old people from umbc... why does that always seem to happen? you never know that people that you know are working right under your nose. it's amazing.
- yesterday, i was helping Mic print out her poster, about to go home after printing my own. coming up from the basement, one of the fellows came in the car with us. he was kind of cute, but i didn't say anything. i made a joke and he laughed.
- i saw the same guy at poster day today. i wasn't quite sure if it was the same guy; i just kept on staring at him and he just kept on staring back. i wish i had the guts to go up and talk to him; i'm really regretting it. he seems nice. he works a floor below me.
- have a bunch of options of what i want to do next year on my plate. masters, working another year, working + masters, funding... and i have a lot of work to do.
- with all this stuff to do, i don't have time to research prices on new cars.
- Mic and i went out to eat in bethesda after work, celebrating weeks of slaving away over a hot computer screen. note: service is very good before the evening rush. we left a big tip.
- still planning the birthday dinner that will never be. not meaning that there won't be a dinner, just that bbq won't be there. he's really pissing me off. but of course, i could be the reason why he's pissed off at me. hmm. vicious circle.
- i should call him, but i don't want to.
- been spinning the roots: things fall apart for the past couple of days. that's quality right there; money well spent.
- waiting for T or crispy to call me; either/or would be good.
- g. love and special sauce: milk and cereal song .... nuf said.

peace.

soundtrak: nightmares on wax: date with destiny

well... it's been a hot minute..

the grind:

- original and her special spice are finally getting married; this june. i'm look forward to it.
- bbq's birthday was the end of the month. i wanted to take him out to dinner this past weekend, but the schedules weren't working. but i'm planning on a weekend in may... but i feel that he's being shady with me... i don't want to deal with it.
- i feel burnt out.
- i started my solo on a key that was waaaay too high... at least one person was blessed.
- me and a couple people from work went to the gc concert on saturday. now everybody knows that umbc does indeed exist.
- hung out with Mic and JM after the concert; helped JM on his GTA 3 game (showed him up in his house!)
- my car is slowly dying. both breaks, including the hand break are shot, huge crack in the windshield, broken parking light, no ac, etc. i have to remember that i need a jump tomorrow morning.
- JK is talking about me... i don't know if i appreciate it very much
- presenting poster on wednesday.

goodnight.

peace.