soundtrak: jazzanova: mwela mwela (here i am)

(beware: this entry has not been spell checked... you have been warned...)

i can't remember the last time i went to the gym. other than the fact that i don't want to be eventually stalked by LS (he's one of those types), i really just haven't had the time. i think bally's did me a favor and cancelled my membership already. bless them.
but really. i like to run. i don't know if it's the kenyan blood calling or what, but i enjoy the physical exertion of scurring around a track (or treadmill). if you were to standardize my ability, i would be considered a beginner trying to break through to the next level. it always seems before i get there, i quit stop, only to take it on when academia allowed me to. or so it used to be. i thought that when i started working i would have more time to at least go to the gym. i wasn't prepared to go at 5 in the morning. so i'm trying to make time now. my sanity depends on it.

so i went to original and secret (or was it special) spice's wedding last week. it was nice. i think what really surprised me about the whole thing was it was now i could really tell that they had fallen in love with each other. of course, i would see them everyday at school; living with original, i would constantly see them... together. but i don't know. i just found it strange that now, rather than then, was when i really noticed.
and bbq was my ride. i don't really want to go into the particulars of what exactly he did, but he did bad. i'm very frustrated and very upset concering where our friendship is right now. i have yet to talk to him about it, but right now i'm at the point that i'm just willing to drop him.
JK did me wrong too; at the resception. i called him and we talked about it; calling him first knowing that he would be more receptive to what i had to say. we cleared up alot of stuff, alot of issues, especially things that happened his last year at umbc. like me, he's still trying to find out who his real friends are. we both have something in common. but i feel better about the whole thing.

random daily occurance:

- i wear my badge flipped over, so my picture can't be seen. i hate it when people come up to you and instead of asking your name, look at your chest. and of course that goes for the greasy males that come up and try to talk to me too. i often forget to take off my badge when i leave, so i'll be walking around the supermarket or the library, my name printed in full. i have learned my lesson when the guy at the checkout line at the public library tried to strike up a conversation with me. i just wanted to check out my books and go, but no... and now, he talks to me every chance he gets. *sigh*

july is the month of travel. this fourth of july weekend, i'm going to a wedding in hersey, pa and two weeks after, visiting my GSK friend in philly. Mic is leaving this month; finally starting medical school. so of course, i'm planning something.
the other thing (i don't want to jinx myself) is going well. it just took a turn for the better, and if everything works out, then i'll be a very, very happy woman.

anyways. i need to get back to work. but writing is so much better than tearing up my cuticles out of boredom (incubation sucks sometimes)

peace.

soundtrak: vikter duplaix: hold it down (4hero)

----Original Message Follows----
From: "naj" [email address withheld]
To:bchii@hotmail.com
Subject: the requisite pep talk...
Date: Thu, 24 Jun 2004 17:36:19 +0000

Ok Miss Chi,

First off don't say nobody cares about you, I care! Second, of all the things to be bummed about doods should be last on the list. I believe it was the famous Star Jones (of The View fame) who said "Boys are like buses, if you miss one, another will be by in 15 minutes". So don't sweat it.

And third, repeat after me "I am not my father. I do NOT look like my father. I do not act like my father. And even when I am indulging in self pity, I recognize that I will not turn into my father". You know, you're not the only one that scared of turning out like thier parents, it's a common fear among people who are "blessed" with "special" parents, such as myself. I had that same conversation with my friend recently.

Anyways, I hope you're not still bummin. Question, are u still planning to attend school in the fall? How late are you going to find out where u go?

Ok on to me. I'm writing this from the [...] Society building. It's my first week as an intern. The building is really nice. It seems like a good work environment. The people here are really smart and really good looking. Like, there's an abnormal proportion of attractive people in this division. Anyways work takes up most of my day. I leave around 7:30am, get home 7:30pm. When I start working out (next week I hope) I'll be back even later.

I gotta get going get some work done. [...]. But hopefully we can hang out sometime soon.

later,

Naj

soundtrak: vikter duplaix: you saw it all

From: "chi b." [bchii@hotmail.com]
To: "naj" [email address withheld]
Subject: RE: my head hurts ...
Date: Mon, 14 Jun 2004 21:33:37 -0400

Naj:

So this is take two of this email. I was typing one up earlier today, when I was at work, but all of a sudden, the MAC crashed. I don't know what's wrong with it and I won't find out until tomorrow morning. It was such a long and witty email... I miss it already... Anyways, sorry that it took me so long to email you back. I've been keeping really busy with work, applications and church. This week is looking like it's going to be just as bad, so I guess it's a good thing I'm emailing you now when I have the chance.

[...] I really don't like Macs and nobody at work uses a PC hardly. I'm like a PC affectionato or something. Anyways, I digress...

Nothing's really going on with me. Same old, same old. Girl, you don't even know how much I want to get into school. I need something to do to use my brain instead of all this time to think about.. nothing. It just makes me realize how pathetic my life really is. I don't do anything, I don't go out, I don't date...doods are like foreign objects to me. *sigh*. The less I think about it, the better it is and frankly that's all I need school to give me.
Honestly, I'm in a seriously bad funk right now. It's a combination of low self esteem (self pity?) and crap that everybody seems to be throwing my way, from my parents to the random smo joe off the street. I seriously can't stand to be around people right now. I don't believe anything that anybody tells me and you know, nobody really gives a f*ck about me anyways. Well, I know that's not true, but that's how I feel. Would it be scary to say that I'm turning into my dad. It's not enough that I look like him, I have to act like him too? Great. I realize that my disposition is changing. I don't know what to do about it. It almost seems like it's natural. It's scary.

Blah. What am I talking about? Didn't mean to get all deep on you; my brain has been a blur lately. It's easier not to think about these things and just do what I gotta do. Enough about me? How's everything going with you? When are you coming again? Where are you working (as in location)? Email me back. I"ll talk to you soon.

peace,
chi

soundtrak: trüby trio: some people

i need to get going. not going to work today, but still doing important things, which entail me going into dc today. i didn't think about the regan funeral procession and then the high school graduations on top of that, as in major traffic backups. i took the moms car to drive around, but now i'm thinking it wasn't such a good idea.

eh. government has unscheduled leave today and dr. w was like 'don't force yourself to come in' and, bless the skies, i have no experiments set up (or that i have to set up) today. whoot! and to add, the experiments went nicely yesterday, so i'm a very happy woman. i have some other personal errands to run anyway.

oh. and a random note. i owe the irs $600! gah! and that's not including the estimated taxes that i have to pay too.

more later.


peace.

soundtrak: blue six

stupid slow growing cells. gah!

so after i finished typing up last night's entry, my phone rings. it's original inviting me to her bridal shower... today. yes, today in the afternoon time. being an insanly organized person (with a thread of procrastination), i feel like this whole thing was hastily put together. but that's just me from my viewpoint and i don't really want to get into it anymore. hopefully i can go, even though i have other plans (dry cleaning, shopping, etc). i'm still deciding in my head.

while waiting in for these cells in hour-long spurts, i've taken to listening to music and reading A Distant Shore by Caryl Phillips. this book should sound familiar since i checked it out about a month ago and never got around to finishing it. sometimes i just get so busy , i'll stop reading a book. this too is becoming a habit. but his book is actually good. what makes it interesting is that it's not in chronological order and he will switch it up on you without even realizing. you'll get confused for a minute and then realize, 'oh, this is earlier or later or after..'

anyways. short entry. have to take another measurement.


peace.

soundtrak: various

have you seen my side bar lately; i've been on a cd-buying spree this past week. some are good and some are bad. zero 7's cd is ok; i bought it for particular songs. ian pooley is good (just got it in the mail today). i'm still debating about blue six. it's good, but all the tracks are the same. but it's still good.
and i really shouldn't be buying cds considering original is getting married in two weeks and i have yet to get the present or buy the outfit that i'm going in. i need to go out tomorrow after a quick stint at the lab (and by quick, i mean a 1/2 day) and then get the hair done next weekend. but i digress into meaningless talk...

because of my car-less situation, i realize now that i need to get a ride to this wedding ceremony. i would ask crispy, but she's actually in the ceremony. mic insists that i go with bbq since we're both dateless... i mean, ugh! why?! he aggravates me to no end; our whole friendship/relationship/situation aggravates me. but i do need a ride. so i guess that means that i have to call him...

last week was a thankfully short week. working on prepping for experiments this week, putting applications together and etc. so, dr. w thought it would be good if i went on a conference and presented some of the data i have; my data including work from the last fellow and a current summer student. i wouldn't feel as nervous if i wasn't presenting other people's work, even though it's my first scientific conference. ever. it's in NY at the end of the summer. i'm anticipating it.
also this week, we had a fellow get-together thing. mic and i went over and we ran into JM, JM's roommate (who i think had a thing for me, but i had to kill that; it wasn't gonna happen) and JM's roommate's friend (who i thought he was with, but he's not... it's weird and confusing and i don't think i want to know any details). anyways, they have this whole 'thing' set up for us and we basically sit through it for the free food that wasn't really all that. before we got up to get some food, mic spotted 4th floor dood (formerly known as poster dood) in the back. 'now's your chance,' mic nudged me. i shrug because that's what i do when i get completely nervous. try to act cool and bite my cuticles off. classy. we get in line and mic is just nudging away and i'm looking over and he's looking over and i'm so not making the first move. JM's roomie's friend (for the life in me, i can not remember this girl's real name, let alone give her a pseudo one) insisted that we sit outside and eat (with the cicadas?!) and i was seeing the chance of eventually chatting up with 4th floor dood (or at least giving him a chance to come up to me) slipping out of my fingers. i reluctantly agree. mic is 'tsking me the whole way outside. we eat and crack up like ghetto people do. the boys go back in for some more food and us girls discuss my situation. i know i've completely blew it. how can i salvage that? 'go back in there,' mic declared. but i'm not mic. i can't do these things without very much thought out and skilled planning. the guys come back and our convo stops.
we joke around and i swear, how many times can i put my own foot in my own mouth. i am just realizing this as a problem now. i'll say something as a joke and end up offending a friend inadvertently. i seem to have a nack for it; a gift even. just make my life better.
mic still continues to harass me and unexpectedly i scream, 'chi b. is a ... dag, i just forgot what i screamed. it wasn't 'loser' or 'punk'... ah, it'll come to me later. so anyways, as i scream this, 4th floor dood walks out with his mentor (me thinks and hopes it was) and our group suddenly falls silent. mic's eyes widen telling me to go for it, but of course... i just don't. JM's roomie's girl is all like, 'is that him?' yeah, a little bit louder, i don't think he heard you, thanks. i watched him walk by, pitifully and he glanced at me. damn. mic whispers at me, berating me. to which i throw up my hands in the air, 'chi b. is a punk!' who the hell cares if he heard me? i am a punk.
so i deem that whole thing ended. i've killed it. 4th floor dood is no longer an option. well, at least i know what he looks like now.

there's nobody really around that i can hang with. and by hang, i'm talking about on a somewhat weekly basis. well, there are people around but it never happens. thus i feel lonely. mic and JM live around each other and with other fellows at that. good gracious, i live at home people. i feel like i'm out of the loop. it seem that i'm always thought of last minute. i always find out about everything after the fact. but many issues factor into it all. i have already discussed this with cripsy and jam. i'm glad that i did because it was really building a lot of animosity in me. but i still feel the animosity. i still feel the loneness too.

dag. regan's gone. it's not like i'm extremely sad about it, but ... wow. may his soul rest in peace.

peace.

soundtrak: nightmares on wax: morse

i'm feeling better because i'm actually getting work done. work and the application horizons are looking well.

the rest... (in list form!):

- for the life in me, i can't help going to sleep early (like, i should be sleeping right now) and then waking up in the middle of the night. this pattern has been happening every day all last week. i try to go to sleep later so i can avoid waking up, but i just end up falling asleep.

- people at church still suck. except for the select few of course. everybody else: sucks veggie beans.

- got paid today. $$$ is good! and the government got pay increases too. i didn't think i was going to see anything in my check. i was fairly surprised today.

- the extended fam is town; wondering when they're going to go back to kenya already. don't get me wrong, i love them, i really do... in kenya. i love them when they're in kenya...

- naj is coming back to md from seattle. the internship sucks (low pay), but she hopes to get hired after. we're thinking about being roomies; do you think one should room with a childhood friend?

- i know that sometimes i post that life sucks (or life sucks beans) and then after a couple of days i erase the post. it's because at that particular time, that day, that hour, that minute, that moment, i am feeling very sh*tty. so just let me be; let me feel the sh*t (yeah, that made no sense). it's cyclic.. do not be alarmed.

ok. i'm gone. i'm passing out in front of the screen. before i go: mad shoutout to my boy, jeremy. go for your dreams; shoot for the stars.


peace.