soundtrak: the postal service: the district sleeps alone tonight

leaving school today, i was mad pissed.

waiting for class with some of the people that i study with. we were expressing our concerns about the midterm and molecular biology. you see, my situation is a little unique. i was admitted under a conditional status. the two classes that i'm taking now depend if i get into the Ph.D program or not. so i need A's, not B's, not Cs'... A's people! i'm stressed that i didn't do well on my midterm. and i have to write a letter to the graduate school to ask permission to get into the program and they have to go through all my stuff again. my boss tells me not to think of the negative, but i mean, if i get Cs (not even fail, just average) in my classes, what am i supposed to do then? so the classmates where asking me what i was going to do for halloween... um, study. 'isn't that what you're doing?' i asked them. they kinda looked at me funny.

somedays i feel so dumb. all these people around me are effortlessly intelligent and even with hard work, i struggle to get to the top. i don't know. i pray. i know that God is the only one that gives me knowledge and i know he wants me to be here (trust me, i didn't get here on my own), but some days are just so hard. people tell me i'm smart, but i don't feel like i am.

why was i pissed? i got back my first exam: an 86. 4 points away from an A; points taken off for stupid stuff. i gotta see if i can fight for those points back. i can't afford anything. i need to stop playing games and study like i mean it. i need to work harder.

talking about games, why is everybody hating on the new gta? that game looks hot. i'm trying to buy that. honestly, you parents should know what your kids are playing. mom knows that timon, despite his 16 years of age, plays games like that. parents need to talk to their kids about reality and fantasy. it's the same with drugs and drinking. i mean, come on people. i'm tired of seeing this stuff on the news. talking about kids don't know the difference... there are adults that don't know the difference between reality and fantasy... what do you tell those people?

don't even get me started about all this election crap...

on a somewhat good note, i got this letter from gtown. i don't really know how, but i overpaid my tution and the school owes me over $2,000. it doesn't really make any sense, but you know how God works. you don't even understand; i am dirt poor. hardly have any money to take the bus daily. i have to pay for new tires on the car i'm borrowing to drive, as well as bodywork. i don't even want to think how much that's gonna cost. so money appearing out of nowhere is a good thing.

ok, another totally random thing: what is up with nbc commercials and money shots? am i the only one that notices that? it's funny. i wonder how they direct those things. they have new money shots for ER. i can just imagine it: "ok.. now walk towards me.. look serious... look more serious... look concerned...more concerned.. PIMP WALK!" haha.
also, in the dc area, local news anchors are switching places it seems. old dude from channel 9 is going to channel 7. the new lady that used to be on 9 is now on fox 5 (i hate their news; the brothers and i look to see how many errors they can make in one newscasts... and they still give them awards). the black guy that was on 7 went to 9. what is up with all the switching? these people are getting me confused.

despite the mixed news, i just feel crappy today. my back hurts. i could hardly concentrate in class today. on the train, i wanted nobody to sit next to me, not even the guy trying to holla at me. nope. not today. sorry.

anyways, i suppose i should start with the studying and do some laundry. i needed to go out and run some errands, but i am carless. *sigh* i did ask for it... to be carless... so i can't complain now...

peace.

soundtrak: nuyorican soul: i am the black gold of the sun (4hero remix)

- my brain is done. fried. cooked. the midterm today wasn't that bad, but it wasn't all that good either. i really need better than average
- i got an email from LS the other day; he's trying to get my number. i'm trying to come up with a very good excuse.
- i don't remember where i first heard this song, but i've fallen in love with it all over again.
- oh. my youth friend of mine has decided to 'forgive' me. funny little boy.

this list is staying short. nothing really going on; work and school and etc. no major delusions of grandeur... as of yet. they're coming, just you wait and see.

peace.

soundtrak: blue six: pure

it's the end of the week and i'm exhausted. intense studying just takes it out of you, you know. i feel like i haven't really been studying that hard. but you know you can tell when you eat a large meal, study for 2 hours or so and your tummy is rumbling. the brain is one helluva power-hungry organ.

like siddity, i need to get myself to a gym. i paid for bally's for another three months (the joy of student discounts...), but i don't have the time or a car to go (timon bought fuzzy dice for his 'new car'). with working late at the lab to studying for classes, i don't know where the time is. i need to get myself back into it.

so i was riding the train today. just got back from class; just wanted to chill and relax on the ride home. apparently, i got on the wrong car. these three black kids, must of been no older than 12, one girl and two boys, just horsing around. throwing each other while the train was moving and all that mess. i was already peeved. of course, everybody was looking but nobody was doing anything. as the little tornados flew around the car, they would hit people. the girl had some sense to tell her male companions to at least say sorry, which they didn't. one lady, white, tried to talk some sense into them, but they didn't listen at all. getting more and more pissed, i swore if one of them ran into me, it was all over. sure enough (since i was sitting across from them), the one boy pushed the other straight into the seat next to me. that's all i needed. "Y'all need to stop! Sit down and shut up! Y'all look like fools!" they stopped. shocked. even my over-stearn voice surprised me. i mentioned something about metro police and that pretty much calmed them down until they got off at their stop.
but seriously. i hate when i see such ghettoness like that. black people... black children, we can act better than that. there were two older black women sitting in front of me just shaking their heads the entire time; ''those kids can't be helped now." i did expect more out of them instead of me, a 24 year old, telling them kids to calm down. i know there are people that left that car wondering why they didn't do anything, people wondering why i had the nerve to bother, and people wondering if all black people act that way.
i was so pissed, i couldn't concentrate the whole way home; my guard was up. mom said that i shouldn't do that again; i might get shot.

gah! that was my little drama for the day. oh, i would like to mention, i am currently typing this entry on my bed, in my room (which is cold, but not as cold as the basement). yay, new laptop. jer, my mom showed me the same discount deal, but i can't apply it because i got my wireless card and shipping for free. why do i always miss the good deals? anyways, i hereby dub thee new laptop: SAAB II (may SAAB I rest in peace... al's trying to still bring her back to life.. yesh, i name my laptops after saabs... so?)

anyways, i should go sleep (at least prepare for it; haven't been really sleeping lately). the big one (midterm!) is still looming. more studying is in order.

peace.

soundtrak: musiq: soulstar

the (updated as of 18 october 2004) crap list:

- so my laptop is being shipped by next week. after my midterm. yay.
- who should call me right in the middle of studying. there alot of things that annoy me about bbq, especially his short voicemail messages (of course i didn't pick up the phone!). he's still oblivious and i could still be stubbon, but i know that this is a very bad pattern that i have. and the only one that can stop it is me. it's hard as hell, let me tell ya. i'll talk to him. after the midterm.
- i'm writing now because my brain is tired of me trying to fill all these biochem concepts into it. i hope i do good. i wanna do good.
- dad still annoying as hell...

anyways. killing more time before i head home.


peace.

soundtrak: gift of gab: way of the light

the crap list:

- last weekend was for crap. went out with Y and his girlfriend. girlfriend (who used to be my best friend in middle school... i guess) was acting somewhat cold towards me. Y, of course, just didn't get it. didn't help that i didn't have any cash on me and girlfriend ended up paying for the whole meal. oops.
- i called T earlier, to see if he could give me some moral support, but he had to 'go to the gym'. called him monday and he admitted that skipped the gym for csi: miami... WTF?! i was upstaged for a show and a bad show at that.
- i was about to call bbq this week and see if we would just work things out. my conversation with veen changed that. i mean, he should have some common sense that 'hey, things are not ok between us'. but apparently he's too dense for that. ahhhh! i don't know what to do now.
- the end of this week has been crap (you see my theme now...). mom went into the hospital for some surgery. she's good now; at home resting. since she was at Gtown hospital, i went to go visit her after class after her surgery. i'm frustrated because dad is so daggone lazy. he doesn't do anything, he sits and expects to be served. he doesn't wash his dishes... he doesn't do anything! so, of course, timon and i have to do double duty since we refuse to let mom do anything (god, she needs to rest!) dad just doesn't seem to get it. and then add my uncle (dad's brother) into the mix... gah! kenyan men... don't even get me started.
- al came home this weekend. he knew that being here would make mom happy, so i'm glad he came. we hung out watching tv saturday night, talking and cracking up. it was nice. aww. i miss him already.
- the laptop status: it's lost. i don't know if it's been built yet or they're shipping it. that is really frustrating me alot. i hate coming down to the basement to use this computer.
- i have a midterm in a week and i'm scared. i have been studying on and off, but no real hardcore 'i have melded with my biochemistry book' studying. i can't do that when i'm at home. K says that if i just study daily, i should be alright. i hope so.

gotta clean and organize my room and study.

peace

soundtrak: keane: somewhere only we know

so my first exam was today. it wasn't so bad, but you know how profs can be: if you didn't get it exactly right, then it's exactly wrong. so i'm worried that i didn't put enough info or i forgot some enzyme. restriction mapping was extremely hard; i spent the last hour on those problems alone. hmm. anyways, i have a midterm in less than two weeks and then i have exam two the week after that. tonight, i take my little break.

dell is making me mad. so when i called customer service (and to add, my call was outsourced... i feel so special), the guy had placed an order for a replacement laptop that they were supposedly building; i was supposed to get it this week. take notice of the fact that i am using past tense. that's because they cancelled my order. now why would they do something like that? because now they've made me angry. so i gave them a piece of my mind and they're working on my replacement laptop as i type. unfortunately, it won't get here until the end of the month. yay?

did somebody spike the peach punch with some haterade? everyone is bush this and kerry that. asking me who i'm going to vote for and whatnot. you know what, don't worry about it. i'm going to vote for somebody that will give me what i want. and if they don't give me what i want, i ain't gonna vote for them. the end.

JK was asking me about how my novel is coming along. well, it's not really going anywhere; i haven't really started it yet. my unconsciousness is leading me back to this horrible story that i started two years ago and have yet to throw away. for my eyes only. i should throw it away. anyways, JK reminded that me that i should at least *start* working on it. i had dreams that i was on the today show, kidding with matt, on oprah and her book club. that's some high expectations my unconsciousness is putting on my consciousness.

more later.

peace.

soundtrak: vikter duplaix: i got you

the school list:

- this list is named so because i'm sitting in the medical library as i type this
- the guy next to me is mumbling as he's reading... it's the most annoying thing in the world *sigh*
- so i got my laptop two days ago and when i turned it on, i found out that it had (has) a faulty display. they're making me a new one as we speak. i'm disappointed because i really just wanted to get on my laptop already. now i have to wait another week... you gotta be kidding me.
- i found out the reason why Y is coming back to MD... i mean, how could have i been so dense when it was so obvious... he's dating said middle school best friend (from high school days). i guess they decided to give it another go. don't make no sense when he was trying to get married to somebody else... anyways, let me not get ghetto about it... now i know. that was a definte ouch though...
- the dude next to me needs to shut up... argh! finally, he's gone...
- i was talking to jules the other day; apparently she knew about T's little obsession with ash (i guess it was that obvious... obviously painful...) the whole time we were at umbc, T never talked about it to me, even though i could tell (it was really that obvious); whenever i brought it up, he would literally ignore me. so my rule of thumb is: don't mention her unless he does. that seems to working out fine by all of us.
- yesterday, for some reason, i was just mad. mad at everyone, but mostly myself. shuttle dude (as i have so graciously named the guy that i refuse to talk to on the shuttle) is just straight killin' me. argh!
- today, as i was parking the car at the metro station, there was this lady standing near her car with the driver's side door open. she looked distressed, so i smiled. she smiled back. i parked the car and she walked over to me. "can you help me park my car?" she asked. people have asked me stranger things, but i said yes. "get in and i'll help you," i said. she got the distressed look again. "why don't you just park it?" she begged. was she serious? i mean, it really wasn't that hard; she just needed to make a minor correction. so i parked her car and she was very much relieved. why does the weird stuff always happen to me?
- i need to get this off my chest: i don't care what anybody says... enterprise is the worst star trek show in the history of star trek! good lord people! the show is supposed to take place before the original? you've got to be kidding me! it would of been better if took place some time during DS9 or something! the acting is cool (somewhat) and not denying them that, but ... man! enterprise is the killjoy for this trekkie.
- MT and his antics... they never stop.
- jeremy's back! yay! keep writing dude... i still read.

anyways, i need to get the studying. exam on tuesday and midterm in other class in two weeks. yay.


peace.

soundtrak: panurge: hang your head

we had communion today. it was good. sometimes people don't like to go through communion because they say that you have to be prepared to let go of your lingering sins and burdens and etc. and some people just over-prepare for the day; it's on the calendar and i'll commit all my sins till then.
i knew communion was today since last week. but i didn't prepare. when i woke up this morning, i didn't know if i was even going to partake of bread and wine. but as the ceremony was looming, i could feel my heart change. i want to be a better person; better than i am right now. i want to be a nice person, especially to the people i don't like. i want to get along with my family. so i washed my friend's feet, i took the bread and wine and asked God to forgive my sins and help me to be better. and i feel better. God has brought me this far (from the bottom of my own sorrow) and i know he has other places for me to go.

month of hell is upon us (literally and figuratively). in academic circles, october is known as mid-term month. i have my molecular bio exam in two weeks. i know the stuff, but i don't really know it. my biochem midterm is at the end of the month. so much information i have to know about that class, i just want to cry. but i'm hitting the books, so i'm good.

i thought that my laptop would come today... but it didn't. those ups people are making me anxious. it's somewhere in laurel, so it's coming on monday. i'm so pressed; i cleaned my room and cleared off a place on my desk in anticipation.

i don't know the last time i talked to T when i called him on thursday night. i was bored and i didn't want to watch the debate. forever sleeping, i am forever waking him up from the mist of sleep; he works too much. "it's been awhile," he declared. i don't know what it is, but talking with T is different now. there's a sense of urgency to hear about school or work that wasn't there before. i feel like my conversation is warranted, if that's a way to put it. we talked about nothing, really for about an hour. but i felt better that i called.

switching up. so, i'm a youth leader at my church. one of my youth is 'hating' me right now. last semester, during tutoring, i made a comment that i would date a white man. of course, my african american male youth friend did not take this too well. he still refuses to talk to me up to now. of course, it's all play (his overexaggeration is hilarious, every week), but now as i sit and type and really think about it, i find it sort of disturbing that he'll have it no other way. "maybe hispanic," he states. then i expressed that i especially find asian and indian men particularly attractive and he has all but 'given up' on me.
it reminds me when i met up with my high school friends and told them this same exact thing. 'but chi, you're black... and african too!' i didn't know that it made a difference. like i tried to convey to my youth who is still having troubles with my choice in men, i expressed that when we look past the differences in the many diverse cultures in this world, it is then when we see the similarities interwoven between us all, helping us all get a little closer.
i'm not saying that i have all the answers and of course i still love my strong black men (and i don't love them any less), but i just don't understand all the hype. and i would like to add, my youth are not racist despite their views, but simply inexperienced in world around them. all they know is here and i'm sure that their views, especially my youth friend that gives me 'the hand', will change. so i won't give up on him.
this is the same group that's 'hating' on my music choices too. but hey, you can't please everyone and i ain't trying.

sometimes i like to go back into my archives and read. it's a bad thing that it happens while i'm at work trying to kill time. but anyways, i like to go back is the mist of my undergraduate, when i stayed up 72 hours straight typing up three papers for immunology or my mini-breakdowns about bbq, 'walking the loop in desperation'. i used to write a whole lot better back then. so, i'm going to try to make a conscious effort to write some better crap. no more crappy crap, but better crap.

ok. i'm out. reading a book and sleeping cos i gotta into the lab tomorrow (another sunday, another experiment; did i mention, MT antics are running rampant again... more later)

peace.