soundtrak: tv (i know, instead of studying...)

i have an eating disorder.

it's called pica. i started when i was 6, i think. i used to take the ice trays and freeze cubes 1/2 way so i could crunch 'em. when we moved and got a new fridge (with an ice machine... ooooh! i think that's why i was so excited that we got a new fridge recently), it was all over.

i know it's due to my iron deficiency anemia; i'm recessive for sickle-cell. and it doesn't help that i'm vegetarian/vegan; it only makes it worse. i really try to remember to take my multivitamin (man, don't get me started about the iron tablets...), but i don't and next thing you know, i'm eating 3 gallons of ice a day.

it's not a big, big problem now... i make sure not to crunch (the biggest consequence is enamel damage), try to remember to take my multivitamin, eat well and if it ever gets out of control, eventually i'll have to stop.

anyways, i didn't realize how fast the semester was coming to a close. I have a final next week and the big biochem final in two weeks... and i haven't studied JACK! so, i must go on hiatus and get my study on. i'll be back in three weeks. leave messages, email or whatever.

peace.

soundtrak: metro area: caught up

(this entry is a mix of entries never posted this weekend, so bear with me...)

i really enjoyed thanksgiving this year. very, very low-key. no uncles, no aunts, no cousins, no cousins' girlfriends/boyfriends/just-a-friend's. none of that crap. just me, the brothers, moms and grandmoms. we ate un-turkey (chicken for the meat eaters) and watched football. we hung out and chilled hard.
friday, we took grandmoms to the airport; she's visiting my uncle (one of the ones that i enjoy the company of) for a week and then went to s.ears to buy a fridge. i don't know even know why i'm so excited we're getting a new fridge, but i am. so... whoot!!

there is no real backstory between BK and i. he was one of the many people i met through ash's aquaintance (when, at the time, i was ash's loyal sidekick) at umbc. i really didn't get a chance to know him better when about junior year, he transferred to umcp. he would call once and then, but we never kept in real contact. he ended up taking classes with al and graduating in the same class. the last time that we spoke was at graduation; he introduced me to his mom.
so i was more than surprised to hear my phone ring the usual 'friends' ring and see his number on his display. through our conversation, i learned about some of the trials that his family and himself have been going through. he's stressed. down. tired. really going through. and he took the time out to call me. he's too good to me. i pray that everything works out in God's will.

i've been bit by the writing bug lately. i haven't really churned out any good paragraphs, but i'm mulling over this one story that i have yet to throw away... it needs to be thrown away though. JK keeps on getting at me to start this novel already.
talking about JK... i haven't talked to him since he skipped out on me last week. i don't know if it's because he's busy or what. what, man. i'm smelling some shade around the area.



we try to make it a yearly thing, the biochem crew. meeting up to catch up on things. this year, we went downtown. everything was natural; we picked up where we left off. talked about our semesters, our research and classes. D was late as always (i mean, he's the one that sets up these things...). service at the m. grill was bad; our server would leave us 20 minutes at a time.
the time that it took D to find us eating, nic, the boy and i devised a 'intervention' to get him to admit that indeed D is a ladies man. he came and we attacked. he had theories and we had theories of our own. we laughed and had a good time.
we ended up missing the movie that we were going to watch; D and the boy had to leave early anyways since they were planning on driving back to school today. as always, we ended up hanging out and talking in the parking lot for 40 minutes. some crazy man confronted us and we watched as he weaved between parked cars. ah, good times, good times.
we hope to meet soon. D isn't coming home for christmas, so it'll just be me, the boy and nic. maybe late january.

i called Y this afternoon. i didn’t want him to get on me for not trying to call when he actually was in town. he was driving around with his girl, who didn’t sound too happy that i called. she actually called me a week or two ago, but never left a message (like she claimed to). i don’t know if Y is even aware of the tension between her and i. we talked about LS and thanksgiving before he passed the phone to his girl. ‘i called you, you know,’ she started and continued to berate me for not studying before promptly hanging up on me. so pleasant, i know. maybe Y will figure it out on his own… and then again, maybe not.

well, i guess it's back to the lab again. and classes; finals are right around the corner.

peace.

soundtrak: badly drawn boy: cause a rockslide

update entry. nothing special to it. keeping it short and sweet... in list form!

- i have to confess, i love dan rather. i really, really do. dad would always change it to cbs for the news and before you knew it, al and i were big fans of the rather. somewhere in our basement is an old beta tape with me and al jumping around the camera, with fake mikes saying: this is cbs news and i'm dan rather... and of course, i love all the funky stuff that he says; it makes him more human to me. before those dudes on nbc and abc, it was just me and dan. so to hear that he's leaving the anchor position, i am saddened. but his replacement, john roberts, looks just like dan... but he's nothing like the original. godspeed dan rather.
- Y is coming back to town for thanksgiving. he wants me to call when he gets back into town; hook up and do something. i don't know; that brotha is giving me mixed signals. i don't mind talking to him and being cool and whatnot.. but he can't have his cake and eat it too.
- what was up with all the fighting: first, the vibe awards (and that is all i'm going to say about that; pure stupidity at all levels) and the nba brawl. *sigh* why even bother asking why?
- i promised a pic:


(my baby, SAAB II .. yes, i name my computers after the cars i love.. so?)

i'm done. work tomorrow.

peace.

soundtrak: nightmares on wax: capumcap

well that week's over. *sigh* finally. it was such a mess.

so the thing on saturday ended up being ok in the end. 'during' was a different matter: setting up, preparing food, hosting and cleaning up basically by myself. it was very stressful, but people ended up being blessed, so i guess it was worth it after all. mini-shoutout to crispy for playing; girl, they loved it.
LS didn't show up, but i didn't exactly have a problem with that. whatever. he called just now. very special man; that's all i can say. JK didn't come either. i know you were busy but dag. thanks, i guess. the person that i didn't expect to come at all was bbq. but he was there. he came. i have this joke with him that he doesn't remember my cell number or my birthday (he really does forget), but he knows where my house is. he didn't even ask for directions to church. he was there. so i conclude that he does care and i should be happy with what i got instead of what i don't have. thanksgiving.

so i was waiting for the shuttle today at school, headed back to work, and watched the planes passing by. very closely. one of them said united; i read it. i started to think how odd it was that i have attended school in somewhat close proximity to airports (i.e. umbc and bwi; gtown and reagan national); you couldn't walk to class and not hear the roar of airplane traffic. i mean, doesn't it become bothersome after awhile hearing those things like every five minutes? i don't know. not that the planes really bother me or anything. i like watching them. so high in the air. big pieces of steel airborne.
the last time i flew in a plane, i was going to kenya for christmas. that was before 9/11. not that i have avoided planes or flying since then, but i haven't really had the opportunity to. there was a point where i was comfortable with getting on a plane, taking off and looking out the window at the earth so far below my feet. but now that i think about it, the idea isn't so appealing anymore. it's not a fear or a real anxiety, just ... i don't know. a stutter. a hesitation. i have no idea how security is like anymore. do i still have to take off my shoes?

i was chillin' hard yesterday (when i should have been studying.. oops!) when somebody called me with blocked id. i usually don't pick up these calls, but i was bored, so i picked up. jammy jam jam jam. what's wrong with you boy?! i haven't talked to him in a minute though, so it was good to just talk. we don't do that so much anymore.

anyways, it's thanksgiving week. last class for the week tomorrow. seeing the biochem crew on saturday. i'm excited. more later. maybe pictures.


peace.

soundtrak: mankind liberation front: safe from the sun

i should be going to sleep now instead of blogging; long day and week ahead of me.

after i talked with bbq, i felt bad. real bad. i could hardly sleep wednesday night and thursday was a blur. it just happened to rain all day friday and i guess fate was tired of me being so melancholy. lab was good on friday; went to lunch with the new post doc and other grad student in the lab. talked to K, who just turned in his (research) proposal, and MT was just as ridiculous as always; dancing up a storm.
crispy says that bbq will eventually come around. but is that what i really want to happen; for him to forget?

anyways, this weekend was busy; planning for alot of church activities next weekend. got the hair braided (fresh!). this week gives me week-long experiments, meetings, rehersals and more meetings. Gah!

did you see that redskins game tonight; the last five minutes, i was falling out on the floor. anyways, let me get to bed. just wanted to say that i'm a little better now.

peace.

soundtrak: björk: hyperballad

that was one of the hardest conversations i ever had with anybody.

so after all the mess with waiting for him to finish at the store and driving home (i wasn't gonna talk to the brotha while he was on the road; i wanted his full attention), finally i was talking with bbq. we started off light; updating on life and whatnot.

so i asked him if i could ask him a question. "shoot", he said.
"do you take me seriously?"
he laughed; didn't really say anything. "well, do you?" i pressed.
"yeah," he finally replied.
"because sometimes i don't think you do," i continued. and i mentioned the wedding and when he laughed at me. i started to let it out slowly, because i didn't want to scare him. yell at him. berate him.
"where is our friendship right now?" i asked. all i got was silence. actually, throughout my soliloquy, talking about how i felt and how i knew i had problems too that contributed to the problems we're having now, he said nothing. i mean, i didn't know what to think. was he really listening to me?
"i'm glad you told me," he said.
"i mean, i know you have some issues with me... (man, if i were me, *i* would have issues with me...) how do you feel?" i insisted.
"no... i'm happy." he said. it felt like a smack in the face; he wasn't happy... how could he lie straight to my face (ear).

i mean, i was bad y'all. i didn't talk to him in four months, holding this grudge. i told him that i was ready to drop him completely.
"but i care too much." silence.
damn. the silence thing was getting on my nerves. and he really wasn't trying to talk to me. i feel hurt disappointed frustrated because i put myself out there and i felt like i got nothing back. it's like he shut down on me.

soon, it was just me prating (look that sucka up) on things that happened the four months of no conversation. and his dammed silence.
"are you still there?" i asked, exasperated.
"i'm listening," he said quietly.

but i got tired of trying to figure out if he was, so after an hour, we hung up.

what did i want out of this: for our friendship to grow maybe. but i know i can't force him to change and i told him not to change for my benefit. i can only express how i feel. and i feel better for doing so.

peace.

soundtrak: mr. scruff: how sweet it is

the lazy list:

- i knew this break thing was a bad idea. now, i can't get back into studying. this morning, i was sitting in the library .... doing nothing! it was sad... i need to get my butt in gear.
- if you didn't already guess... i'm crazy and i get high off sugar... well, now you know...
- i was gonna write this whole rant about how i love being kenyan but how the culture's old school view of women is driving me up a wall... but alas, i'm too lazy to write it. well, i will soon..
- what else am i too lazy to do? call up bbq... it's gonna happen tonight and i'm gonna tell him off, because i deserve some peace about the whole thing. i'm through caring about what he's going to think or say...
- i want to run; in a around-the-track, crack-o-dawn kinda way, but my *butt* is too lazy to get up early in the morning. the urge and the action are two different things, i find.

other things:

- i was talking to T last night. he's such a punk sometimes; he makes me soo mad, but then, in the end, he knows how to get on my good side. i'm planning for our annual outing (the last outing); crispy, him and i. good times, good times.

ok. i'm done. gone for now.

*edit: pertaining to last entry's comments: ha! actually, i forgot the comma the first time and as i was reading it through, i saw the error. hence the comma. are you crazy? i don't want no baby!

*more edit: ok.. i'm slow... i should have said. 'an A, baby!'... well, whatever! you know what i mean...

peace.

soundtrak: csi/er

finally... FREEDOM! exam wasn't that bad; my hand was tired by the end of two hours. i hope i wrote enough to get an A, cos that's what i want. A, baby!

so, there was this huge accident on the red line yesterday.



and of course, you know what that means. the commute this morning was horrendous; took 1-1/2 hours compared to the usual 35 min. i don't even want to think what it's going to be like tomorrow; and i have to actually be in class by 9.

D called me yesterday. he's going to be in town for thanksgiving and he want the biochem crew to get together. whoot! i'm excited; get to see nic and the boy. maybe magic hands.

now that i'm free (at least for a week before i have to get back to hardcore studying), i have so much to do that i've been putting of. like talking to bbq. *sigh* i was all hyped to when i had midterms, but now i'm avoiding again.

talking about exams, i haven't been sleeping all that well lately. well, i never sleep well, but this week has been especially bad. i know i was worried that i wasn't prepared for today's exam, but i think my unconscious went to another level. my entire upper back has been cramping, tense. it hurt to turn my head. i swear, right after i walked out of that lecture hall, it's like my neck opened up and all the tension was gone. i still have some upper back pain, but wow. i guess i stress out alot.

anyways, i ramble. off to do other things.

peace.

soundtrak: john mayer: clarity

so i got my biochem midterm grade back; B baby! i almost straight cried at work when i checked; i seriously thought i was gonna fail.
i'm not stupid! i am capable of doing graduate work! whoot!

anyways, back to studying for tomorrow. more soon.

peace.

soundtrak: madeleine peyroux: you're gonna make me lonesome when you go

i feel a little better about the school situation. i studied most of the day today (and then i voted, of course).

despite that, something's still nagging at me. i can't quite pinpoint it. like i was telling JK, sometimes i don't know what's wrong with me. society pressures us to come up with some sort of problem because somewhere there's a solution - a drug, a treatment, a book. sometimes it's not that easy.

eh. anyways, i was driving with the moms to the station. she, going to work and i, going to school to study. she mentioned how uncle (the one that's been staying with us for a month or so) doesn't quite understand me. i mean, what is there to understand really? he says that i'm rude and i don't listen to what dad tells me, when in truth, i'm frank and i'm busy when dad tells me to do things that he could do himself. and of course, because of his old school mentality, he doesn't talk to me about his problems with me, he talks with mom. geez, last time i checked, i was an adult. mom says it's because he doesn't know how to approach me.
honestly, all i ask for is respect. i'll give you respect if you give me respect. i know that they're older than me and i respect my elders, but when you come with all this foolishness and standards and expect me to follow them, oh you have another thing coming. to my uncle, i don't have to listen to any of your crap, so shove it. i especially don't like it when people are talking behind my back.

so i guess that makes me the 'trouble child' of the family. timon's the funny one and al's the one that everyone likes. i mean, timon and i aren't jealous of al... hell, we favoritize him over each other. al's knows when to back off though or how to make people happy. i'm just not that complacent.
i used to be like that; wanting to make people happy all the time. but you know, it just can't be done. and i really suffered. maybe i turned a hard 180, but dag, get over it. ain't nobody gonna make you happy except God and yourself, so stop looking at other people... or me for that matter.
they like to talk about al alot; about his graduate program, and etc, etc. i know uncle doesn't give a shit about me, so it's funny when he pretends that he does care. i can see through his thin facade. i'm not trying to fake with people. if i don't like you, i'll let you know. and if you want to know why, i'll let you know that too.

*sigh* anyways, he's leaving soon and then i won't have to deal with him... for awhile i guess. why does family suck sometimes? not all the time, but sometimes.

i like this song. it's nice. mellow. at least this version is.

i voted, did you? now i have every right to complain for the next four years if i want to. take that right! go and vote!

anyways, it's been awhile since i've posted any pictures; haven't really been taken any. soon.

back to other things.

peace.