soundtrak: coldplay: fix you
you don't know how many times over how many days since my last entry have i tried to start this one. i don't feel like writing. i'm not in a good place right now.
it seems like i haven't been in a good place for awhile now. and despite it, i don't care to know why. i don't know if it's fear (even though i would prefer that it was apathy instead), but i do suppress alot of the feelings and issues that i have. yes, it's easier not to deal with it; it's easier for me to go through life this way. sure, i can't sleep, push people away, act like a bitch, become an a** sometimes, don't eat (well), have OCD tendencies, withdraw and stop talking to people, and just don't give a rat's a**, but that is soo much better than dealing with my sh*t. *sigh*
anyways, my last day for my rotation was friday. i went back today to have a farewell lunch with my labmates and jacks. we went to this restaurant down in geo.rgetown, which sucked because service was slow, food was expensive and the guy overcharged my credit card. ugh. earlier this morning, i met the new director of my program that proceeded to give me a 'pep talk' about my gpa (which is barely, but still below 3.0; thanks cell bio...). 'you have to do better next semester,' is not a pep talk, but he was nice enough. i discussed some of the problems that i've been having with my tuition not being paid on time and how it seems like i'm don't even exist, my name is nowhere in their records. we also talked about the upcoming semester. i'm only taking three classes, but my schedule is all over the place, which sucks if you consider that my next rotation is off-campus. eh. we'll see how things work out.
i didn't want to go out last night, but Y insisted, as he came over the house and dragged me out the house (ok, he didn't drag me out, but i reluctantly agreed). one of the reasons why i didn't want to go in the first place was because B had invited her (but knowing her, she probably invited herself) and with all the stuff that jules told me about the both of them, i just wasn't trying to deal with it at all. but i went, and i acted like an a** for most of the night: i didn't talk to anyone; we sat at the bar waiting for the movie, everybody eating and drinking except me. i know i looked pretty sad and pathetic, but i couldn't care less. we saw fan.tastic 4, which i knew would suck, but it just sucked more than ususal. Y and i didn't talk as he drove me home and peeled down the road as soon as i got out of the car.
so like the good little girl i am, i apologized to everyone today. Y is still not talking to me, but B simply uttered a 'no worries' before initiating a conversation about earphones (earphones?!). and you know, that's what really gets me: B and his 'no worries' crap. cos i know he gives a crap and the fact that he can hide it so well, dare i say, even better than me, bothers me. a long time ago, i made the mistake of letting him know me inside and out (in the mental sense, get your minds out the gutter...) and the funny thing is that he (still!) knows what to do in virtually every scenario because i haven't changed. i'm still the pathetic 17 year old that i was. and that aggravates me. here i thought i changed, but i didn't. and i'm still letting him do this to me.
anyways, i'm probably going to go clean my room, stay up till two in the morning and wallow... because i choose to wallow, damn it. life sucks; right now, in my little insignificant corner of the freakin' universe.
peace.
you don't know how many times over how many days since my last entry have i tried to start this one. i don't feel like writing. i'm not in a good place right now.
it seems like i haven't been in a good place for awhile now. and despite it, i don't care to know why. i don't know if it's fear (even though i would prefer that it was apathy instead), but i do suppress alot of the feelings and issues that i have. yes, it's easier not to deal with it; it's easier for me to go through life this way. sure, i can't sleep, push people away, act like a bitch, become an a** sometimes, don't eat (well), have OCD tendencies, withdraw and stop talking to people, and just don't give a rat's a**, but that is soo much better than dealing with my sh*t. *sigh*
anyways, my last day for my rotation was friday. i went back today to have a farewell lunch with my labmates and jacks. we went to this restaurant down in geo.rgetown, which sucked because service was slow, food was expensive and the guy overcharged my credit card. ugh. earlier this morning, i met the new director of my program that proceeded to give me a 'pep talk' about my gpa (which is barely, but still below 3.0; thanks cell bio...). 'you have to do better next semester,' is not a pep talk, but he was nice enough. i discussed some of the problems that i've been having with my tuition not being paid on time and how it seems like i'm don't even exist, my name is nowhere in their records. we also talked about the upcoming semester. i'm only taking three classes, but my schedule is all over the place, which sucks if you consider that my next rotation is off-campus. eh. we'll see how things work out.
i didn't want to go out last night, but Y insisted, as he came over the house and dragged me out the house (ok, he didn't drag me out, but i reluctantly agreed). one of the reasons why i didn't want to go in the first place was because B had invited her (but knowing her, she probably invited herself) and with all the stuff that jules told me about the both of them, i just wasn't trying to deal with it at all. but i went, and i acted like an a** for most of the night: i didn't talk to anyone; we sat at the bar waiting for the movie, everybody eating and drinking except me. i know i looked pretty sad and pathetic, but i couldn't care less. we saw fan.tastic 4, which i knew would suck, but it just sucked more than ususal. Y and i didn't talk as he drove me home and peeled down the road as soon as i got out of the car.
so like the good little girl i am, i apologized to everyone today. Y is still not talking to me, but B simply uttered a 'no worries' before initiating a conversation about earphones (earphones?!). and you know, that's what really gets me: B and his 'no worries' crap. cos i know he gives a crap and the fact that he can hide it so well, dare i say, even better than me, bothers me. a long time ago, i made the mistake of letting him know me inside and out (in the mental sense, get your minds out the gutter...) and the funny thing is that he (still!) knows what to do in virtually every scenario because i haven't changed. i'm still the pathetic 17 year old that i was. and that aggravates me. here i thought i changed, but i didn't. and i'm still letting him do this to me.
anyways, i'm probably going to go clean my room, stay up till two in the morning and wallow... because i choose to wallow, damn it. life sucks; right now, in my little insignificant corner of the freakin' universe.
peace.
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