soundtrak: doves: black and white town

monday's list:

- it is pouring outside.
- updated 101/1001
- i have decided that i am hanging up my planning cap. i'm tired of planning. if people want to do something, they're going to have to plan it themselves, or if they want me to plan it, i will charge a fee.
- MB does not know the meaning of no. i mean... no! how many times do i have to say it? don't touch me and leave me alone.
- i really do have an issue with guys touching me... i don't want to get into it right now, but i do have that particular issue.
- didn't you already know: i have issues.
- i've been writing alot more lately. working on some stories and i have some articles due next month, which i'm trying to write early so i don't miss deadlines (like i did this month.. oops.)
- i'm trying to stop the credit card bill at $300 this month. i'm actually trying to put some money into the savings account this month.
- i hate shopping with a passion. i really needed to go on friday, so i did what i had to do. but other than that, don't ask me to go on any shopping sprees unless i'm on a sugar high, because i'll refuse.
- in honor of the n'ational cherry blo.ssom festi.val, the above picture is from the festival last year. i don't know if i'm going to this year. we'll see.
- have yet to change the radio.blog yet, so suggestions are still welcome... i'm so lazy...

peace.

soundtrak: rae and christian: salvation ft. siron

lab was ok today. ran my gel and it came out. left a little later than i wanted to, but i still left early. found out my p.i. isn't going to be here all next week, so i talked with her to know what i should be working on while she's gone. helped the post-doc with her grant writing.

i always feel like i'm not smart enough. well, of course there will always be somebody smarter than you and that's not what i'm talking about. i just don't feel smart. when the prof asks questions or people present work, i tend to hold back because i don't want to look like a fool; like i don't know what i'm talking about. i'm starting to break out of this shell slowly. i helped the graduate student with her thesis proposal presentation by asking critical questions. everyone said they were very good questions, but i just don't feel that way. i don't really go around telling people: hey, you know, i really don't think i'm smart. i remember when in high school, when i first started working at n.ih. a new post-doc started that week and he commented to me: oh, you must be smart, if you're here at 17. i basically fired back and denied my intelligence, insisting that i wasn't that smart at all.
when i was younger, i used to come home with As and while mom would praise me, dad would warn me not to be so lax (or basically, not to enjoy my A), cos i might fail the next time around. not that i purposely failed my classes, but i think i have been on a steady decline since grade school.
i don't know. maybe it's like my happiness issue. i never will think i'm smart enough, no matter how much i learn, no matter how much i know.

T called me between lost and al.ias. usually, we just talk about the show(s), but he actually wanted to know about my day and how things were going. not that he doesn't ask me eventually, but he just came out with it. i was rambling when he told me.
"i have an appointment next week." with a specialist. T is not the kind of person to tell me these things (he hardly tells me anything), so i'm not going to betray his confidence in me. i just hope (and pray) that everything is ok, because things can always take a turn for the worst.
we talked for an hour; he had to sleep for work tomorrow. he made me so sleepy, i ended up going to be early. and yet, i was tired this morning. sleep is like a drug to my body... it just wants more and more...

anyways, i gotta start on dinner for these people. do relaxing things tomorrow. tonight would have been the right night to go out and do something, but i'm too tired. anyways, i need to do laundry.
still working on the radio.blog... suggestions for playlists are still being accepted... hope to have some new music up later tonight soon.

there's always more later.

peace.

soundtrak: john mayer: something's missing

it's a cold, dreary day. only had one out of three classes today. went into the lab to see if i could finish up for the week and then.. my gel broke... and it just happened to break right in the path of the particular dna i was looking at. i was in a good mood up to that point. i have to go in tomorrow and run that sucka again. *sigh*

dad and i share this particular... i don't know if you could call it a trait. when we're thinking, we scrunch up our faces like we're mad or upset. i guess you could call it a blank face; you know, when you're daydreaming or something like that. people always ask me what's wrong or they assume that dad is upset, but we're not. i don't know. maybe unconsciously, i'm not happy.
well, now that i think about it, i'm never in a state of 'happy', even when good things happen. i don't know. you can't miss the happiness if you never experienced it. i don't know what true happiness is. hmm.

little nuggets, my friends. more later.

peace.

soundtrak: common: the corner

i'm going to call it right now: md vs. gtown; nit semi-finals. too bad it's going to be in nyc, cos it's gonna be pandemonium. they're gonna have to shut the city down with riots. pandemonium 2005!
watched the game (csf vs. gtown on es.pn) when i could have gone for $5... eh...

i was going to blog this whole thing, but i just lost the urge... *shrugs shoulders*. maybe later. and i have to change my radio.blog; don't like it. any suggestions (as in themes, etc)?

*edit: 03/25/05: why did the hoyas have to lose? man, it would have been pandemonium... riots, i tell you... riots! now... now there' nothing to look forward too... even in the nit. boo.

peace.

soundtrak: dj shadow: what does your soul look like (part one - blue sky revist)

i'm too tired to even try to start studying right now. the day was long and spent at church and with children. i'm drained.
my morning didn't start off all that well either; i took the blue pills way too late last night and woke up groggy and late this morning. very bad. i was going to hang out with church friends tonight, but i need to focus on the things that i need to do (which i really haven't been doing).

i wasn't particularly mad at T, but i didn't talk to him for a week. he called wednesday night and we watched the last half of ali.as together. i was on a sugar high, so most of the conversation didn't make all that much sense anyways. through commercials, we started talking basketball and this dude tells me how he went to the last wi.zards game and he had an extra ticket... and you didn't bother to call me? oh, but you see... he does this all the time. i think i was too high (on sugar people...) to be aggravated. that boy sometimes...
thursday night, after a mediocre day in the lab, food shopping with the moms, bbq calls. i called him two weeks ago and gave up when he didn't call back at the end of the first week. "didn't you call me?" he asked, as if he had forgotten why he had called me in the first place. we talked about life in general (as i picked up boxes of ice cream and mac n' cheese) and work. he's currently temping at my old job (see prev. post).
i'm not so clear what this man wants out of his life; i don't know really what he's trying to aim for. of course, that's easy for me to say, but you just assume that i wanted to be 'here' in the first place (well... i did... but that's besides the point). i most certainly wasn't as comfortable with my future about a year ago. i didn't know if i was going to work for the rest of my life; if i was ever going to get into school ever. bbq doesn't want to do school anymore, but what does he want to do then? that, i don't know.

MB is a trip. he's seriously looking for anybody to his wife; he's gone to hitting on minors. i just avoided him today; i just didn't want to deal with it. i seem to have this recurring problem... yes, MB is not the first. A while ago, there was this guy, whom i will call seb that started going to our church. basically, he was also looking for a wife (i mean, ok, i don't mind that your looking for a life partner, but i mean, could you ditch the lame pickup lines... could you try to be friendly and not lewd?!) and he was a little too hands on until the day that i screamed at the top of my lungs, in church (yes, in church), to stop touching me and to stay the hell away. i refused to talk to him since that day or ever be alone with him. everybody thought i was being a little harsh, but seriously the man was all up in my space (do i ever hate that!). MB is starting (starting?) to exhibit seb-like behavior. my friend calls him seb 2. i'm just letting all the minors know that it's ok to scream (hells) no in church (for good reason of course).

anyways. other things: working on this story.. well, multiple stories... i seriously don't have time for this. trying to find a lab rotation for summer (so i can see when i can end at the lab i'm currently in). going to the law library tomorrow to study for exam this week. easter break (ha! we get two breaks...) this week.

i'm gone. nite.

peace.

soundtrak: gaelle: falling

i was sort of quiet this past week due to things that i would rather not discuss (not just here, but to anybody). but apparently, i couldn't stay in the funk forever, so i have returned. anyways... you don't want to hear about it... it's past.

spring break was ok. gots lots of rest. didn't study (boo!) and i didn't go anywhere (double boo!). got some things that i wanted done. i went to n.ih on thursday to return keys and visit the lab. i just have to say again how great dr. w is. she's one of the best academic/professional advisors i've ever had. i'm sorry i'm gushing, but i can't help it. she's amazing. got some grad school tips from the grad student and the new post doc (i never gave her a name). joked with MT, chatted with K and a couple of other people. i really miss that environment. i don't know where i'll be this summer at campus (probably not the same building), but i'll be around. well, i have to find a lab first... and soon.

talking about lab, today was a good day. like i mentioned before, my experiment worked right before i went on spring break, so i've been just continuing from there. it was a pretty laid back day today.
classes are going ok. doing well in 2/3 of them; it's the 1/3 that's bothering me. well, i have an exam coming up in that class, so hopefully i can redeem myself.
my financial issues are still issues (when they shouldn't be). i'm wondering when they're ever going to pay my bill.

so it looks like MD and gtown didn't make it to the big dance after all. what can i say; they both played poorly throughout the season. i'm not even all that excited about the NIT; we'll see where it takes em.

(not that you care but,) i finally finished life of pi. after many months, i know. i didn't think i would be so terribly interested in a book focusing mostly on animals, but pi's ordeal: shipwrecked with a tiger, was traumatic and realistic enough to keep my interest (dude was eating raw fish and drinking turtle blood). his search through different religions was also a high point for me. the ending was a bit abrupt... i really wanted some more closure, but how much can you get when you've been out at sea for over 200 days and you haven't got anybody except a tiger. i recommend it (is there a book that i don't recommend?), but be prepared for the density. it's alot to eat, but it's very satisfying in the end.
picking another book shouldn't be too hard. went to bor.ders and b&n and purchased way too many books again. i didn't even finish the patch i bought a couple of months ago.

nothing else to say really. updated radio.blog on the bottom... um... beware the ides of march?

peace.

ps. oh, check out the flow...

soundtrak: coldplay: shiver

it seems that every other day i'm in a funk. i don't know... well, i do kind of know, but i don't want to talk about it, thus i don't want to confront it, thus i like the living in ignorance.

today (or yesterday), moms, the brothers and i went to go visit on of my cousins that recently had a baby. i used to be particularly close to this cousin of mine; she only 1-1/2 years older than me. we would call each other sister and would always hang out whenever i went home. of course, we grew apart as we grew older, my visits to home less frequent and our familiarity with each other lost. then about 3-4 years ago, she came to the states to finish school, got married and had a baby. we couldn't be the most complete opposites ever. and it all makes me feel odd when i'm around her. i didn't hold my second cousin because i didn't want to.

more later

peace.

soundtrak: ben folds five: evaporated

i'm technically not blogging at work (is a rotation considered work?), but merely emailing myself. brilliant! the time is ... late and i'm still working on some things so i don't have to come in for spring break next week (and study instead... yay). there is just not enough hours in a day... usually i have beginners luck, but i guess it sort of just fizzled when i got into school; this is the third (and hopefully last) time i'm doing this particular experiment. but i'm just learning to deal with it... i knew there would be some days that i would be working extremely late... (i just didn't want that day to be today...), but my vcr is programmed, so there is no worries.
i only wish i could have finished my genetics exam yesterday instead of coming home tonight to complete it and send tomorrow. i would have finished last night if i didn't spend my hours talking to JK, T (and i know who you blew me off for....) and crispy. before T hung up, he berated me for not working on my schoolwork (and yet we talked and watched tv for two hours the night before... yes...). other nighttime calls included bbq; our conversation was very painful... how do you deal with the silence on the phone? i don't understand it at times, but i gotta give it to him, he's trying after our big convo.

i would have gone to the last gtown bball game on saturday night, but i'm singing. i would have gone salsa dancing (i don't think you guys really want to see that...) on saturday night with another classmate, but i'm singing. we have this new singing schedule for these events going on at church. basically since i'm at school all day, i can't come during the week, so our music director scheduled me for friday nights and all of saturday (saturday morning and saturday evening). i'm not too happy about it, since she also paired me up with MB... i mean, does my whining ever stop, i know...well, let me not get into it right now.

dad is pissing me off alot these days. i know he doesn't particularly care that i'm in grad school (and neither does his side of family... really. i'm just keeping it real), but the apparent lack of respect is really grating my nerves. he doesn't really tell me what to do (i mean, they can't really anymore...), so our somewhat fragile living situation is cool with me... at the moment. but sometimes it sucks when your family doesn't care.

anyways, i guess that's all for now. i have another hour before i leave (it's 7pm now) and i need to do some other things.

peace.