soundtrak: jack johnson (& handsome boy modeling school): breakdown

so i opened my email this morning and to much joy, recieved an email from naj, detailing her current vacation with the relatives that she hates the most. and sometimes its good to comiserate together.

i'm a little bit better from last time i wrote. i've been working on this church website (and i haven't really gotten anywhere fast), watched a couple of movies, etc. i haven't left the house in three days straight; there's nothing to do when you don't have the funds. oh yeah, and the heatwave. but it's a little better, so i might venture out today. i need to take some more pictures. of something. anything. my camera has been sitting dormant for too long.
it's funny, the other day mom was complaining how timon was always going out, always going somewhere (well, not now since he's grounded, but that's a different story). and i laughed. she didn't realize that when we were younger, al and i were (and somewhat still are) major homebodies; we didn't go anywhere. and she thought that we would all be like that.

anyways. i got things to do. more later.

peace.

soundtrak: coldplay: fix you

you don't know how many times over how many days since my last entry have i tried to start this one. i don't feel like writing. i'm not in a good place right now.

it seems like i haven't been in a good place for awhile now. and despite it, i don't care to know why. i don't know if it's fear (even though i would prefer that it was apathy instead), but i do suppress alot of the feelings and issues that i have. yes, it's easier not to deal with it; it's easier for me to go through life this way. sure, i can't sleep, push people away, act like a bitch, become an a** sometimes, don't eat (well), have OCD tendencies, withdraw and stop talking to people, and just don't give a rat's a**, but that is soo much better than dealing with my sh*t. *sigh*

anyways, my last day for my rotation was friday. i went back today to have a farewell lunch with my labmates and jacks. we went to this restaurant down in geo.rgetown, which sucked because service was slow, food was expensive and the guy overcharged my credit card. ugh. earlier this morning, i met the new director of my program that proceeded to give me a 'pep talk' about my gpa (which is barely, but still below 3.0; thanks cell bio...). 'you have to do better next semester,' is not a pep talk, but he was nice enough. i discussed some of the problems that i've been having with my tuition not being paid on time and how it seems like i'm don't even exist, my name is nowhere in their records. we also talked about the upcoming semester. i'm only taking three classes, but my schedule is all over the place, which sucks if you consider that my next rotation is off-campus. eh. we'll see how things work out.

i didn't want to go out last night, but Y insisted, as he came over the house and dragged me out the house (ok, he didn't drag me out, but i reluctantly agreed). one of the reasons why i didn't want to go in the first place was because B had invited her (but knowing her, she probably invited herself) and with all the stuff that jules told me about the both of them, i just wasn't trying to deal with it at all. but i went, and i acted like an a** for most of the night: i didn't talk to anyone; we sat at the bar waiting for the movie, everybody eating and drinking except me. i know i looked pretty sad and pathetic, but i couldn't care less. we saw fan.tastic 4, which i knew would suck, but it just sucked more than ususal. Y and i didn't talk as he drove me home and peeled down the road as soon as i got out of the car.
so like the good little girl i am, i apologized to everyone today. Y is still not talking to me, but B simply uttered a 'no worries' before initiating a conversation about earphones (earphones?!). and you know, that's what really gets me: B and his 'no worries' crap. cos i know he gives a crap and the fact that he can hide it so well, dare i say, even better than me, bothers me. a long time ago, i made the mistake of letting him know me inside and out (in the mental sense, get your minds out the gutter...) and the funny thing is that he (still!) knows what to do in virtually every scenario because i haven't changed. i'm still the pathetic 17 year old that i was. and that aggravates me. here i thought i changed, but i didn't. and i'm still letting him do this to me.

anyways, i'm probably going to go clean my room, stay up till two in the morning and wallow... because i choose to wallow, damn it. life sucks; right now, in my little insignificant corner of the freakin' universe.

peace.

soundtrak:

i have this youth program that i'm doing at church this week. and of course this is the week that people want to do stuff and i can't go. Y wanted me to go see co.mmon with him tonight (for $10!), but that didn't happen. another party on thursday, but i can't go to that either. where were these people last week when i was bored out of my mind?

sitting on the train, coming home this evening, i ran into the guy that always puts his feet up on the poles in the middle of the train. i hate that; what if some little kid has to come and stand up and hold the pole where your shoes have been? anyways, aren't there always people like that; people that you see everyday on your commute. i have some: the horrible dancer (who just happens to work at the hospital; how do you dance to fusion jazz?! you can't!) and said mentioned feet-on-pole man. ugh. just something i was thinking about today.

also, while waiting for my gel to solidify today (man, i gotta make gels over here... straight old school), i was going through my day planner. it's almost like a little diary; written down all the things that i needed to do, all the exams that i had to study for, all the outings that i went to (most of them that i planned). i would also write silly questions to myself, like: when am i getting my laptop? or will this day be better than the last?
and like you have already guessed, yes, i am crazy. just something else i was thinking about today.

after we exchanged words last night (and i hung up on him), B called me back... and i don't even think he apologized... eh. i can't believe that i'm falling back into this cycle; i thought i was grown.
i have concluded that what we have is not a friendship... he needs to put a little more effort into it... and not like picking up where he (we) left off.

i don't even know why i wrote today. goodnight.

peace.

soundtrak: doves: black and white town

it seems like the hotter it gets, the less sleep i get. and the ghetto part about it is that i have a/c.

i'm finishing my first rotation by the end of this month. it just sort of happened this morning; my pi asked and i made the decision on the fly, off the top of my head. i still haven't set up my other rotations, but i figure i should get a month off anyways.
and i shouldn't be bored. i have alot of stuff to do: websites to design, books to read, a novel to start writing, etc, etc.

i just had an arguement with B; i knew this was going to happen eventually. once an *ss, always an *ss... Y, ana and him went out this past weekend and i didn't join them. there are just some things that i don't do and i have my reasons for choosing not to do them. as a friend, i need for you to respect that about me. B just lacks that respect; he thinks he's the sh*t and he knows sh*t when he really doesn't know sh*t! i am truly not trying to deal with that right now; it's just so daggone annoying! ugh!

that totally ruined my evening. later.

peace.

new radio.blog is up. it's not really what i wanted and actually it was in transition up to this morning. but like me, it's a mix right now; up and down. enjoy.

peace.

soundtrak: oasis: wonderwall/coldplay: square one

so i've been up for awhile. i woke up an hour ago and i don't think i'll be going to sleep any time soon. actually for the past couple of days, i've been coming home real tired, to the point where i would be going to be around 9 or 10pm (which is early for a night owl like me), but last night, went to sleep around 11 and slept for a good 5 hours. man, i'm a mess.

anyways, my prospective malaria lab rotation fell through. i'm back at square one, emailing more pi's to try to beg to work in their lab. i don't know if its just a hard field to break into as a student or what, but i do really want to try it out (if i hate it, i'm going back to cancer), so i'm persistent. mom wants me to do research in kenya, (i have an uncle that does research there) but i feel i would be biting off more than i can chew, especially if i find out i don't want to do malaria. and then i still have classes and comps in the next two years. ugh!

we have a summer student working in the lab right now and we started talking about IQ yesterday. she asked me what mine was. 170. "you're a genius," she said. but i don't feel like one. i don't know what is, but i've always had this problem. i don't think i'm smart enough. you know, if you have your parents drilling in your head that your grades aren't good enough, your work isn't good enough, your activities aren't good enough, it does make you feel like you aren't good enough. granted, i was not an overachiever (i leave that crown to this one girl in my high school class who did so much stuff that she had a nervous breakdown senior year), but i did just enough. and to add upon that, i am a perfectionist.
but if you were to tell me, "but look at where you are, look at what you're doing...", i don't know. everything i've done academically feels like i've lucked out on. sometimes i would sit in class and wonder why things seemed so simple or how i was able to understand the material in the first place. i know, i know. feel bad for the genius. despite it all, i still have issues. i know its a serious problem that i have yet to let go of. people tell me i'm smart, but i don't believe them. so as i took the train home, i wondered what happened to the missing 30 (or 32) points keeping me from perfection. i'm sad.

so you can imagine my childhood, my parents baring down on me while i had 'friends' tell me that i wasn't black enough or i was trying to act white because i was smart. i mean, i can't win here. but i didn't know what to tell them... i mean, how black can i get? dude, my parents are from the motherland and i'm as dark as night. i was having this conversation the other day with robin: when did stupid equate with blackness? it doesn't, but why does that mentality still exist?
its sad when timon used to come home asking me why, because of his innate intelligence, he wasn't black enough.

on the random: did they really catch borf? (sorry that washpost makes you register and stuff..). everytime i take the train, i see this dude's tag, as far as silver spring ("bush hates borf"). some people hate him; i like him. also, thanks to all my commenters. i like those too.

anyways, the sun is starting to come up and misty is at the windowsill listening to the early morning birds (that he'll never catch). another morning, another day, another experiment, blah, blah, blah.

good morning.

peace.

soundtrak: coldplay: til kingdom come

the tgif list

- i woke up late yesterday. apparently, so did my friend across the atlantic, and she missed the train. i'm glad that my friend is ok, but i mourn for those that have lost their lives to such senseless attacks.
- ended up getting to work late yesterday because of mechanical problems on the red line. it's always on the days that i actually have experiments to do. the good that came out of it was running into a college friend acquaintance.
- last weekend at the movies, Y and B were ribbing each other throughout, snickering and laughing, especially at the end. as we were walking out, i asked them what was so funny. they chucked, "k.atie ho.lmes wasn't wearing a bra...". oh, boys...
- i went to the dentist today. i've been seeing this particular dentist since i was 5, so they chided me when i was late and asked for updates on my life as they proceeded to butcher my gums. the funny part was when the dentist poured a solution into the rinse cup, saying, "this will help stop the bleeding..." (yes, it's been that long; i was straight loosing blood). it was listerene! i can still feel the burning... but in the end, my teeth were 'perfect', which is a first for me since i always seem to have a cavity or something. you see what sort of desperation having no dental insurance will do to you; you actually start taking care of your teeth.
- instead of going to lab (i didn't have any significant work to do today anyways), i ran errands that i needed to run several weeks ago. drove all around town today...
- B is mad that i had today off; he still wants to take me out. the man has big hypotheses, but shows no results...
- naj emails me regularly and every email that she sends are just funnier and funnier. i would share, but... just know that they're funny...
- working on a new playlist for the radio.blog... i'm just too lazy to pick, upload, etc tonight. any suggestions?
- randomness: i got a new mattress this week; extra firm. i'm sleeping better already.
- nyc is out next week (sorry siddity...); the pi is very excited about the next set of experiments that i'll be doing, just as soon as i get this new mutant. fabulous.

i'm gone.

peace.

soundtrak: (movie): troy

so i woke up this morning and turned on the tv to the local news, like i always do, when i saw this. eh. well, it didn't matter because i don't drive down there anyways... but in the back of my mind, i though: wouldn't it be funny if we didn't have any water? it wasn't funny when i got to lab. we have to wait a couple of hours to get di water to run experiments and walk half way cross campus to pee. it doesn't help that the particular building that i work in is old and the water pressure sucks daily.
i didn't get any mutants last week, so i started the whole process again today. changing the parameters and getting nothing is driving me up a wall. eh. we'll see how it goes this week.

this weekend was amusing. other than being confronted by MB after church ('you tried to hide from me, but i found you," he mocked.), i went to the movies with Y and B on sunday. Y insisted that it was my turn to drive (i don't know what mess he's talking about; when i needed a ride, i didn't have a car...), so he came by the house, talked to al for a bit (engineering stuff, i suppose) and we both rode downtown. rule number one: do not mess with a girl's stereo; just don't do it. i ended up buying B tickets; we saw batman begins (which i highly recommend; so much better and more serious than the other batman movies out there...) after the movie, we went to eat and our server was a graduate from h.s. (she graduated a year before us), so we got a discount. sweet.
it's funny when you think about it. the same people that i knew 15-20 years ago, still live in the same place, interact with the same people. it's strange.
ended up not going to the party on monday because i was just tired. watched fireworks on pbs; always a great seat, always reliable.

might go to NYC next week. i don't know the final plan, even if i can take off lab and go. we'll see.

added bonus: i found out that i still have dental insurance (blah, blah, dependent or something or other... full time student...). GU is good, but they don't have dental insurance. i'm making an appointment tomorrow. i know they'll be mad because it's been like two years and i probably have massive cavities, but i can actually say that i'm excited to go to the dentist.

peace.

soundtrak: n/a

lab was a trip today. for the past two weeks, the post doc and i have been reminicing about old 80s and 90s (can you believe 90s songs are old now?) songs. on wednesday, she burned a cd for me with all her 80s and 90s songs (her husband used to be a dj, so it's a large collection). we turned up the music loud and started doing the running man and the cabbage patch; it was a slow day.
you have to understand that when i was little and we first got cable, the first music channel i found was vh1 (which is not like the vh1 they have now, let me tell you). i didn't realize that if i just pressed the 'channel down' button once, i would have been watching mtv. so unlike all my african american classmates, instead of jamming to ll cool j and bobby brown (remember, don't be cruel? lol), i was all about tom petty and the heartbreakers, inxs and don henley. my friends (and my family) still wonder about me and my rock obession. i think my parents have given up.

anyways, after lab, went to blockbuster to rent a couple of movies (it's really been awhile for me). P text-messaged me and we ended up having a convo in the store. she was coming home (parents house) for the weekend and decided to stop by and get some movies herself. as i finished checking out, P realized that her account had disappeared. the lady asked if she could put the movies on my account and asked for my last name... but before i could say anything, P jumps out with my last name, spelling it out because i always have to spell it out (people get so confused with african names sometimes; and mine is so simple too). "first name, doctor," she added and we both laughed. 15 years and this girl has got me down. we ribbed each other for being ghetto (she knows she wrote the book!), but it was fun hanging out even if just for a 1/2 hour.

so dude finally came around to lab today (this was before the dancing) and passed out directions to his house; so i guess i'm going to this party and i'm dragging as many people as i can with me. Y says i have to drive and i wonder if he knows that i tend to get lost in the city... constantly. sounds like it'll be fun.

(metro rant):
so there's supposed to be this special metro train, with ads covered on it. there's one for abc7 (leon harris!) that's supposed to be running on the red line. i suppose they had to give us something; we hardly get the new trains as it is (always all up on the orange or yellow lines). i mean, can we please show the red line some love? and can you run the abc7 cars during rush hour? i mean, come on...

anwyays, it looks like it's gonna thunderstorm right about now (afternoon thunderstorms my *ss!), so i'm turning this puppy off (weird things happened last time i kept the laptop on during a storm).

peace.