soundtrak: ian pooley: intro (from souvenirs)
the random list:
- for the first time in a long time, i've actually had a good week. experiments working well, sleeping ok (i never sleep well), etc. i have a deadline at the end of the month, only to be interrupted by a week long vacation to florida. yes, i'm going on vacation; it's sad when your mom and your boss push you to go on vacation.
- i rarely have dreams, but when i do, they are rather strange indeed. and it's usually because i eat right before i go to sleep, but i have gotten out of that habit. these past couple of weeks, i've been having strange lingering dreams about a particular person (not bbq). it's been disrupting, trying to figure out what my subconscious is trying to tell me. in a way, i don't want to find out. it's been bothering me.
- speak of satan (the catalysts would say that instead of 'speak of the devil' all the time), i received a random email from, of all people, bbq, which brought up alot of stuff that i didn't want to deal with at the time. trying to figure if i should call him up or not, he beat me to the punch and called me last week, in lab. it just disturbed me; the daytime minutes, the call itself, the conversation itself. i'll spare you the details, but under the surface it seems we clash over the issues dealing with real life vs. phd work (he quit, i'm still in it). i wish he would just get married and get it over with (will he ever find 'the one'?), stop bothering me.
- but really. i don't know if it really bothers me that i have no life. i didn't have one before i started this program. i know i'm introverted; it's my nature. if you google my real name, i'm sure you'll find the program i participated as a young teen to help to build my self-esteem. it did help to draw me out a bit, but like they say... well, i forget what 'they' say, but my self-esteem isn't all up there and i'm still rather introverted, with bursts of extrovertedness. i'm self conscious most of the time really. i don't really like the way i look, my voice is too strange, my actions too childish, my work is never good enough. it's always never good enough, it seems. so it's easier, rather to interact with people, to just bury my head in the sand, in my work. i'm trying to be better, get out more, but it's a process and sometimes i fall behind.
- the space shuttle took off today. for me, it's still breathtaking, to see something man made go up into space. maybe i'm just nerdy, but watching the launch today: it was spectacular.
- i miss college. i miss talking to people and interacting and building relationships. i'm not saying that you can't do that in the real world, but it's different in college. timon, who's leaving for university in august, asked me about it the other day and i just started thinking about it all. and the people. friends that you thought you would never stop talking to are long gone and the ones that you thought you could do without are talking to you everyday. it's weird. odd. i miss alot of them now.
- it feels like something's missing (other than a life... ha!). i can't really explain it. i wish i could, so i could find it already. it's annoying as hell.
i would write more (there is always more to write), but sleep awaits me.
peace.
the random list:
- for the first time in a long time, i've actually had a good week. experiments working well, sleeping ok (i never sleep well), etc. i have a deadline at the end of the month, only to be interrupted by a week long vacation to florida. yes, i'm going on vacation; it's sad when your mom and your boss push you to go on vacation.
- i rarely have dreams, but when i do, they are rather strange indeed. and it's usually because i eat right before i go to sleep, but i have gotten out of that habit. these past couple of weeks, i've been having strange lingering dreams about a particular person (not bbq). it's been disrupting, trying to figure out what my subconscious is trying to tell me. in a way, i don't want to find out. it's been bothering me.
- speak of satan (the catalysts would say that instead of 'speak of the devil' all the time), i received a random email from, of all people, bbq, which brought up alot of stuff that i didn't want to deal with at the time. trying to figure if i should call him up or not, he beat me to the punch and called me last week, in lab. it just disturbed me; the daytime minutes, the call itself, the conversation itself. i'll spare you the details, but under the surface it seems we clash over the issues dealing with real life vs. phd work (he quit, i'm still in it). i wish he would just get married and get it over with (will he ever find 'the one'?), stop bothering me.
- but really. i don't know if it really bothers me that i have no life. i didn't have one before i started this program. i know i'm introverted; it's my nature. if you google my real name, i'm sure you'll find the program i participated as a young teen to help to build my self-esteem. it did help to draw me out a bit, but like they say... well, i forget what 'they' say, but my self-esteem isn't all up there and i'm still rather introverted, with bursts of extrovertedness. i'm self conscious most of the time really. i don't really like the way i look, my voice is too strange, my actions too childish, my work is never good enough. it's always never good enough, it seems. so it's easier, rather to interact with people, to just bury my head in the sand, in my work. i'm trying to be better, get out more, but it's a process and sometimes i fall behind.
- the space shuttle took off today. for me, it's still breathtaking, to see something man made go up into space. maybe i'm just nerdy, but watching the launch today: it was spectacular.
- i miss college. i miss talking to people and interacting and building relationships. i'm not saying that you can't do that in the real world, but it's different in college. timon, who's leaving for university in august, asked me about it the other day and i just started thinking about it all. and the people. friends that you thought you would never stop talking to are long gone and the ones that you thought you could do without are talking to you everyday. it's weird. odd. i miss alot of them now.
- it feels like something's missing (other than a life... ha!). i can't really explain it. i wish i could, so i could find it already. it's annoying as hell.
i would write more (there is always more to write), but sleep awaits me.
peace.
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