soundtrak: oasis: slide away/live forever
- lots of things are depressing me now, all at the same time.
- it's only the second week of school and i'm so tired. i think it's the commuting as well as just using my brain so much. yesterday, i was just drained, especially after learning that i made a critical error in my experiment this week. it seems like every thursday will be a bad day for me; i might as well just start preparing for it, somehow.
- sometimes i sit and wonder where the relationship between T and i are going. i haven't seen T in about two years, i haven't talked to him in about a month. usually it's me doing the calling, wondering what's going on. i know that's the way he is; i'm the initiator. we've argued about it and i know i can't change his mind. but this time, it feels different. it feels like we're fading away, drifting apart. soon, the familiarity will be gone and laughing will be replaced with awkward pauses. i don't know what to do. i don't know if i should do anything. what can i do?
- i know it's just not me. several people have expressed to me how lonely they are because they don't have any real close friends. i don't know what happened but over the course of several years, all the people that i have considered close friends have either turned their backs on me or just faded out of my life. i've tried to keep the communication lines open; i know i've tried. but i'm tired; i'm tired of wasting all my energy. what really makes it hurt even more are that these 'friends' are closer to other mutual friends, which often result in me feeling (being) shut out. so here i am: lonely, depressed, tired of trying to reach out, frustrated at my results...
- despite those who blatantly turn away, i know i do have a set of friends that will always be there no matter what (despite how i feel about it). especially naj, who has been my friend since 1987. words cannot even begin to express... better than any of my supposedly college friends, i can talk to naj about anything and everything. we don't talk everyday and i hardly see her, but i know i can depend on her; she's always there. and i guess that's the difference, isn't it? and i guess that's what sucks about everything: i know my friendships can be as great as the one between naj and i, but they're not.
- talking about naj, she emailed me the other day after a couple months of no email. she's been going through some things, like i've been going through some things. i know i've said it so many times, but our lives are so similar, we comiserate together. sometimes i tell her things i don't even have the courage to say outloud to myself. and she listens and she cares, no matter how superficial, no matter how serious.
- anyways, i'm rambling now... which usually means that this entry is over.
peace.
- lots of things are depressing me now, all at the same time.
- it's only the second week of school and i'm so tired. i think it's the commuting as well as just using my brain so much. yesterday, i was just drained, especially after learning that i made a critical error in my experiment this week. it seems like every thursday will be a bad day for me; i might as well just start preparing for it, somehow.
- sometimes i sit and wonder where the relationship between T and i are going. i haven't seen T in about two years, i haven't talked to him in about a month. usually it's me doing the calling, wondering what's going on. i know that's the way he is; i'm the initiator. we've argued about it and i know i can't change his mind. but this time, it feels different. it feels like we're fading away, drifting apart. soon, the familiarity will be gone and laughing will be replaced with awkward pauses. i don't know what to do. i don't know if i should do anything. what can i do?
- i know it's just not me. several people have expressed to me how lonely they are because they don't have any real close friends. i don't know what happened but over the course of several years, all the people that i have considered close friends have either turned their backs on me or just faded out of my life. i've tried to keep the communication lines open; i know i've tried. but i'm tired; i'm tired of wasting all my energy. what really makes it hurt even more are that these 'friends' are closer to other mutual friends, which often result in me feeling (being) shut out. so here i am: lonely, depressed, tired of trying to reach out, frustrated at my results...
- despite those who blatantly turn away, i know i do have a set of friends that will always be there no matter what (despite how i feel about it). especially naj, who has been my friend since 1987. words cannot even begin to express... better than any of my supposedly college friends, i can talk to naj about anything and everything. we don't talk everyday and i hardly see her, but i know i can depend on her; she's always there. and i guess that's the difference, isn't it? and i guess that's what sucks about everything: i know my friendships can be as great as the one between naj and i, but they're not.
- talking about naj, she emailed me the other day after a couple months of no email. she's been going through some things, like i've been going through some things. i know i've said it so many times, but our lives are so similar, we comiserate together. sometimes i tell her things i don't even have the courage to say outloud to myself. and she listens and she cares, no matter how superficial, no matter how serious.
- anyways, i'm rambling now... which usually means that this entry is over.
peace.
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