soundtrak: high contrast: racing green

terrible tuesday's list:

- whoa. grad school is really trying to rip me a new one, for real. because i'm being funded through another program (i mean, isn't two enough?!), i have to go to this meet-and-greet tomorrow (that i just found out about today) and then i have a meeting with the director of that program on thursday. they moved our mice around, so i have to go do inventory tomorrow morning, before the meet/greet and class (ugh!). i have seminar in less than two weeks and what was supposed to be small and informal is blowing up into crazy proportions. and i haven't even started to work on that presentation yet (double ugh!). because my experiments are working now, i need to move to the next level with that. i just keep running around, not even thinking about what i'm doing, like a chicken with its head cut off. graduate school just got hard.
good grad school news: i just got me a co-mentor, dr. c, who is absolutely awesome. step one, my friends. progress!
- my car: the alternator was bad... very bad. i paid $500 and now she purs. and now i'm poor. i'm on a spending freeze for the rest of this week. G knows where i'm coming from.
- my ipod broke. at first i thought it was just because of that new itunes update, but then as al was describing to me the sensitivty of the ipod disc drive this morning, i remembered how i dropped it in lab the other day, falling flat on its back. and it was never the same after that. it's been two days and i've never felt so naked and vunerable to greasy men's catcalls (i mean, that's why i listen to the ipod all over in the first place). so it has been decided: i'm buying a new ipod... just as soon as i get paid. pictures forthcoming.
- yesterday, i did the warrior moves workout on nikewomen.com (click workout then warrior moves cardio). the moves seemed simple enough and the workout, honestly, didn't look all that difficult. how wrong was i! everything hurts right now... and when i mean everything, i mean everything. i have done some workouts, but that one takes the cake. i can barely walk. i'm going to try it again tomorrow.
- my cousin (to whom i dub the name 'cuz') came in from kenya today. hopefully, she will be able to continue her schooling here in the states.
- sunday was a good day. D and mic both called which was a special treat. i talked to mic about the state of T and i; how i was disappointed and depressed of where our friendship was ending up. and low and behold, who calls? we talked for a good hour about absolutely nothing. and he's called everyday ever since. seriously, i've been smiling for the past three days. that's just what he does.

and on that absolutely splendid note, i bid you all goodnight.

peace.

soundtrak: nightmares on wax: capumcap

- this past week has left me in a better mood that other weeks before. i really can't pinpoint the difference because good and bad things have happened to me this past week. i don't know.

good things:

- my experiment worked this week. i sort of had to take a stand and just speak up and say, "this is not working," and take a different approach. so progress is being made and i'm happy.
- i got my tuition paid after much grief and time wasted. so i'm really happy about that.
- lab is great place to be.
- my dad is coming back from kenya this week. it's been months and i miss him. i don't miss the cnn ("this is cnn!"), but it's all good. also, my cousin won the visa lottery and is coming as well. i'm excited for her.
- i have a somewhat solid plot/storyline for my novel. now i gotta find the time to work on it...


bad things:

- i got my car service the week before last week and this friday, the engine started to smoke. i never prayed so hard that my car would just make it home, which it did (amen!). i'm pissed because now i have to spend time that i don't have to go down to the dealership and yell at those people...
-commuting in general just sucks... so much time wasted waiting for a bus/train, traveling on a bus/train and don't even get me started when buses/trains are running late. ugh!
- MB is just trouble. trouble! i'm so glad that i avoided him.
- T and i are still in limbo. we still don't talk. i still haven't seen him. i still don't know what to do about it.
- i have this huge pile of clothes in the middle of my floor. it makes me nervous. i don't really know how it got like that.

and that is all for now. maybe more later.

peace.

soundtrak: nightmares on wax: damn

there are alot of things that i could write about just now; alot of things going on. but i'm not and i won't.
i feel myself spiraling down to that place where i was a a week or so ago. i don't know if it's a choice anymore and just inevitable.

peace.

soundtrak: oasis: slide away/live forever

- lots of things are depressing me now, all at the same time.
- it's only the second week of school and i'm so tired. i think it's the commuting as well as just using my brain so much. yesterday, i was just drained, especially after learning that i made a critical error in my experiment this week. it seems like every thursday will be a bad day for me; i might as well just start preparing for it, somehow.
- sometimes i sit and wonder where the relationship between T and i are going. i haven't seen T in about two years, i haven't talked to him in about a month. usually it's me doing the calling, wondering what's going on. i know that's the way he is; i'm the initiator. we've argued about it and i know i can't change his mind. but this time, it feels different. it feels like we're fading away, drifting apart. soon, the familiarity will be gone and laughing will be replaced with awkward pauses. i don't know what to do. i don't know if i should do anything. what can i do?
- i know it's just not me. several people have expressed to me how lonely they are because they don't have any real close friends. i don't know what happened but over the course of several years, all the people that i have considered close friends have either turned their backs on me or just faded out of my life. i've tried to keep the communication lines open; i know i've tried. but i'm tired; i'm tired of wasting all my energy. what really makes it hurt even more are that these 'friends' are closer to other mutual friends, which often result in me feeling (being) shut out. so here i am: lonely, depressed, tired of trying to reach out, frustrated at my results...
- despite those who blatantly turn away, i know i do have a set of friends that will always be there no matter what (despite how i feel about it). especially naj, who has been my friend since 1987. words cannot even begin to express... better than any of my supposedly college friends, i can talk to naj about anything and everything. we don't talk everyday and i hardly see her, but i know i can depend on her; she's always there. and i guess that's the difference, isn't it? and i guess that's what sucks about everything: i know my friendships can be as great as the one between naj and i, but they're not.
- talking about naj, she emailed me the other day after a couple months of no email. she's been going through some things, like i've been going through some things. i know i've said it so many times, but our lives are so similar, we comiserate together. sometimes i tell her things i don't even have the courage to say outloud to myself. and she listens and she cares, no matter how superficial, no matter how serious.
- anyways, i'm rambling now... which usually means that this entry is over.

peace.

soundtrak: quantic: tell it like you mean it

fall waits for no one apparently; it's been getting cooler and cooler this week. today it's raining. i'm depressed because my experiments are not working like they should (read: not working the way i want them to work) and sometimes troubleshooting is a b*tch.
i'm trying to get over the fact that i feel like i'm forgotten, even though in so many situations, i am left behind. forgotten. it hurts.

the first week of classes wasn't bad. my thighs are still sore; i have to get used to running up and down metro steps again. i'm, i guess, what you would consider an upperclassman; most of the professors know me (and love asking me for answers to their non-hypothetical questions) and i pretty much know what's going on... well, at least more than the new people anyway. lots of administrative crap that i need to get done. it's only the first week and i'm already exhausted.

it seems like everybody i talked to forgot that it was labor day weekend this weekend and that we actually had a government holiday off. that's sad; we work too hard. anyways, i don't plan on doing anything because i really don't have any money (and the sad part is that i just got paid today), so i guess i'll be staying in and sleeping. ah yes, sleep... i can always depend on you. you'll never leave me or forget to call. and we actually spend time together too. i love you too, sleep.

*edit: ok, i wrote this entry on friday afternoon. i had rehearsal later that evening and i ended up feeling really sick and nauseated. it's hard to explain, but it's connected to my disability, which was aching. so i went home around 10pm and took three tylenol pm pills. usually two will just make me sleepy enough to fall into sleep (i have a hard time getting to sleep), so i thought three would just get me there quicker. the only thing it got me was 10 hours of deep REM sleep. my brothers and mom mentioned that they tried to wake me up, to go to church, but they just though i was being stubborn. i honestly don't remember anything between the hours of 1am and 11.30am, when i woke up, late for church. whoa buddy indeed.

soundtrak for today: the most awsomest group ever. will post new radio.blog soon.

*double edit (10.41pm): new radio.blog added. nothing special really; just stuff on heavy rotation on my ipod. enjoy.

peace.