soundtrak: deadbeats :: you never know
- D called me last night (during the superbowl… do these people not understand the do not disturb… i’ll explain later..). i couldn’t bear to pick up the phone and he left a voicemail. i haven’t heard it yet; i don’t know if i’m going to listen to it. he texted me about two days after my birthday asking when it was again. usually, he’s better than this, always getting an annual birthday card from him. i know i still have to talk to him, but i don’t even know how to start.
- so last monday was my birthday. i’m 30. i feel different, but the same. i don’t know. they had a surprise party for me last saturday (which got snowed out), which then turned into sunday, where the people you know who really care will really show up. we had a grand ole time; i never laughed so hard in all my 30 years (lol!). Y didn’t show, called a day later (during Lost; how. many. times. do i have to say it? don’t call. text. email me during my show! geez! i only ask for small things…).
- i don’t know if it’s because of the snow systems that have passed through within the past two weeks, but i’ve been thinking about what really happened between Y and i. i’ll admit error on my part; i felt like our friendship was slipping away, wanting to be closer and i mistook caring for desire (or maybe the other way around). unfortunately there is no star trek: voyager harry kim reset button (i mean, watch a couple of episodes; they reset that character every episode! no growth whatsoever!); things can’t be the same way they used to be. in the end, Y is caring, but to a point; sometimes he asks questions that really don’t need to be asked, when sometimes all you need is a helping hand or a shoulder to cry on. we cannot be the friends that i thought we could (should) be.
- 1. i came up with that conclusion when T told me that i expect too much out of my friends (read: i expect too much out of him). so i have learned not to expect so much out of him anymore. when he didn’t show up last sunday, i wasn’t surprised. i also have some other conclusions to that, but i’m not sharing.
2. jam was totally that friend that i could cry on, but i think i did expect too much from him. too much that he couldn’t give. eh, my barometer is off.
- i think jan and i were eating lunch one time last week when we observed a woman, eating lunch alone, reading a book. did you ever eat lunch like that, when you were a kid? she asked. i actually used to eat lunch in the bathroom, then run to the library, where i would study, read, whatever in solitude. i was that nervous, that shy. i guess people find it a bit shocking, weird, funny. i don’t seem to be that kind of person that would have ever needed to do that, jan expressed to me later in lab. i shrugged. that’s life. so how does it really feel like to be 30? she asked. it had been a couple of days. i don’t know, i focused on writing on tubes that i would aliquot deoxyribonucleotide triphosphate into. the past four years have been a growing experience for me; i know what i want and what i don’t want. are you happy? she stopped her work for a moment. i knew where this question was coming from. i have this quirk: i’m never satisfied with the results. be it data, the end of books, the end of events, the completion of degrees. ok, maybe satisfied is not the right word. there is a sense of completion… or not. i’m always moving on, quickly: what’s next, let’s go. i got it from my father, who instead of congratulating our perfect scores or As, always reminded us not to lax on our studies so that we wouldn’t get that next A. this had resulted in a pretty good career (if i would say so myself), but it’s hard for me to look back and appreciate it. sometimes it’s good just to move on, to what’s next, what’s better, but you have to be able to appreciate where you came from. now that i think about it, my parents barely do that themselves. and they came from alot. when is the time to do that though?
peace.
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