soundtrak: N.E.R.D :: sooner or later

i think i just had one of the worst anxiety attacks that i’ve ever had in my entire life. i’m still feeling the residuals as i type this, but i’m feeling much better.
i haven’t had an anxiety attack in awhile, but when i was in the mall this morning, i could feel it coming on. usually, it’s not that bad, but i was by myself, which i think intensified my feelings and just made it worse. i left the mall but it was still coming in waves. and then, for some odd reason, two separate guys in two separate cars tried to talk to me (WHO DOES THAT?! it’s not cute!), but where i was at mentally, it felt like i was being attacked and threatened. i was freaking out and i was driving a car (and i was on the capital beltway, which was probably not a good idea). I was feeling a little better, getting gas, but in the parking lot of ta.rget, i started to hyperventilate. i never felt so alone. i tried desperately to call someone, anyone; if i could hear a voice, i could at least calm down. but i couldn’t reach anyone, so i started to pray. i just had to leave and go home.
now that i’m home, i’m feeling much better. i’m exhausted; i feel like i’ve been running a marathon. i think i’m going to rest now. hopefully write more later.

peace.

soundtrak: soultice :: wind (fila brazilia mix)

- it’s 7am in the morning and i’m in lab, i’m not really sure why. i can’t help being an early bird, even if that means i don’t leave until 12 hours later. but it’s friday (and payday), so here’s to leaving somewhat early.
- the last time i flew internationally was when visiting family in Kenya, the winter before 911 happened. after that, i didn’t get on a plane until a good year later. i wouldn’t say i had a fear of crashing, but the possibility of something like that happening freaked me out enough to avoid planes for awhile; i had a conference in upstate NY about a couple of months later and i chose to drive rather than fly. when i graduated from college and came back home, i had no car, so i was constantly on the Metro, taking trains and buses daily. when i got into graduate school, i was on the red line, up and down, at least three times a day, going from work to school to work to home. with the tragedy that happened earlier this week, it hit me; especially with accounts of passengers banging on jammed doors and one of the victims dying while waiting to be rescued. honestly, that is not how i want to die. so i’m avoiding the PT for now. i’m not saying that i will stop taking the train altogether, but i don’t think i could voluntarily get on a red line train right now. i might be driving into the city for awhile.
- sometimes, i get premonitions about certain people, events, things. i think that everybody gets premonitions; mine are few, but very, very strong. i don’t want to get into it, but alot of the events that happened this week, i had very strong premonitions on. i don’t know if the shock is going to just hit me later, if at all. it’s different when you see it coming.
- i think i’m coming down with something; just a cold. it’s been awhile since i’ve been sick. but this week has been exhausting; i haven’t really slept well at all. last night, i slept for 9 hours and i’m still tired.

happy weekend.
peace.

soundtrak: natural self: the sound

- i’m feeling seriously off today. my anemia is really bad today; i’ve slept most of the day away and now, i have the chills (in the middle of summer, seriously… which sucks). i try to eat well and take my vitamins, but half of this problem is genetic (the other half is diet, but i do like being vegan, so i don’t think that’s going to change any time soon), so i should be taking additional iron supplements. but how many pills can one girl take? i don’t, so some days, i have days like this, where i just feel miserable.
- i’m kinda done complaining in general. sure, it feels great but after awhile it just gets annoying to you and others around you and it still doesn’t solve the problem. i mean, i’m still going to complain in my head, but i feel like speaking them out loud is a waste of breath and energy. just do the dang thing and if it doesn’t work, reassess, adjust and try again. the end.
- look, i’m weird, i know: i don’t drink, i don’t wear makeup, i barely go out, i watch alot of PBS and i’m super quiet (and i don’t take vacations). but that’s me and i’m starting to accept it (anyways, i have too much other stuff to do). if i really wanted to change something that i did, i would change it. over the course of this year, i feel like i’ve been pressured to try or do things that i don’t really want to do. some, i found i could do and i was just too scared to try and others, i just plain didn’t like. i really try to make an effort not to judge people and what they choose to do with their lives (note, i said try; i’m not perfect… i do judge from time to time…); but i feel like i’m not getting alot of reciprocating on this front: the idea of living with differences. unfortunately, that usually leads to alot of faded friendships. but i’m starting to see that some friendships cannot be as close as i want them to be; that’s just the way it is. i’m seeing this alot with Y; he does things that i don’t necessarily agree with and he doesn’t understand why i do some of the things i do. and i suppose it’s because i’ve been so mired in him, it took me a minute to realize that we could never have the relationship/friendship that i wanted to have. i mean, he’s still one of my very good friends, just not one of my closest. sometimes, i feel like i’m sold to other people as this wild, crazy girl and when i get quiet and introspective on them, they get disappointed. hey, that’s just me. i don’t know; i’m seeing myself making alot of tough choices in the future pertaining to this. it’s gonna hurt and it’s gonna suck, but i gotta be me.
- crispy was doing my hair last night and we had to make a quick detour to NE for an hour. somehow, the topic of Y came up during our car ride. just going through the history of Y and i with crispy verbally, made me realize how Y truly sees me; i’m a place holder when he’s in between relationships. it kinda sucks and it’s disappointing, but it’s true. when he moved back, i thought he just liked hanging with me, even though his girl did not approve, but now through 29-year old eyes, i see he was in that relationship because he didn’t have anything familiar to come back to, not because he wanted to try again with her. he knew that ship was sinking, so i was the convenient go-to girl. and i hate, HATE being that girl; unceremoniously dumped when something better comes along. no more. i was telling crispy that i could hang with B simply because i already knew he’s a jerk and i can deal with that. i’m very disappointed with Y (and he refused my food y’all… he. REFUSED. my. spent-a-minute-in-the-kitchen. food.) because i expected alot more from him. is that unrealistic of me? is it now, realizing him for who he really is? i deserve better than this. i won’t be a jerk and cut him off (even though that’s what i really want to do), but our friendship will be severely limited.
- to end on a good note, i am super excited for maxwell’s new album. yes, i preordered it. listen to a sneak peak.

peace.

soundtrak: MGMT :: electric feel

- it’s a little past midnight and i don’t really know why i’m writing this now when i should be sleeping: i have a workout in about 6 hours. i just woke up from a 5 hour nap an hour ago; i just kinda passed out… now you know you’re getting old when you just pass out.
- my grandmoms is leaving tomorrow evening and we’ve spent most of the day getting ready for her departure. even though we have the language barrier (well, i understand the mother tongue so she tells me anything, but i’m unable to conversate back), i’ve learned so much from her these past couple of months. i’ve learned where my beauty comes from (we look exactly the same) as well as my ‘persistence’ and humor (she’s so funny y’all!). i pray that she has a safe flight/travel back home.
- i wrote all this stuff this morning; i don’t know if i’m going to post it all, but it was pretty cathartic, putting my random thoughts to paper.
- LS sent me a friend request on facebook friday. the thing is, he’s crazy and i don’t really like him and he was never really my friend. everybody else friends him because they think ‘why not?’. i’m just thinking: why? that notice is just sitting at the top right of my home screen, mocking me…
- it’s so daggone hot at night… i can barely get any sleep.
- Y and i are just emailing back and forth, as i don’t think i could stand talking to him on the phone or face-to-face. i’m keeping a good distance. fortunately/unfortunately, i think things will be better for us this way.
- busy (social) week this week: coffee with CB, dinner/drinks with ames, breakfast with D; probably in that order. hopefully this summer, trips to NJ, philly and san diego (still hoping…) will emerge. unfortunately, i have too much crap to do this summer like move out and find a house and apply for graduate school (again!).
- yeah, did i mention that… i’m getting a house dogg! and i’m applying to PhD programs; i’m feeling good about it…

okay, i need to sleep for real (despite the nap…)

peace.

soundtrak: passion pit :: little secrets

occasionally, i like to go back to D.O.G.: retrospective and read entries from my formative years. i started using a blogging format in 2001, but have been online journaling since 1998 (1998! i just had to say that out loud and repeat that… insane.).

it’s strange seeing yourself grow through your blog entries; i found entries where i was at my highest weight, how i became addicted to the sims (my cousin’s dad bought the game for them then he gave me a $100 giftcard to target… now i’m starting to wonder how my target addiction started…). what remarked me this time around reading the through the years 2002 to 2005 was how depressed i was. every other entry, i was moody, listless, withdrawn. i started to wonder if i could truly be depressed, and for all those years, considering i’m feeling pretty craptastic these days. i took the random webMD quiz and i am severely depressed; i don’t know why, but i find it laughable. not the quiz, but the fact that i am depressed, but i don’t feel it really. anyways, i won’t make this entry about depression and i’m really trying refrain myself from bringing up these feelings on here over and over and over (every other blog entry, anyone…).

i would probably also diagnose myself with asperger’s syndrome; i’m so socially awkward, i wonder how i even got this far. the problem isn’t conversation; i’m able to start them pretty well, and with strangers, but i can’t keep it going. i never know what to say next and usually i will fall into awkward silence with a professor to even my good friends. but the thing with my friends is they know that i tend to do that, so our silences tend to be more comfortable than awkward. knowing all this, i will avoid human contact if necessary. people classify me as a quiet person, but i used to be so withdrawn and painfully quiet that my parents actually put me in a program to boost my self-esteem. anyways, i’m rambling…

i’m not complaining or i would hope i don’t sound like i’m complaining. i’m 29 and my life has been pretty decent so far, i can’t complain. everybody has problems, issues, but we can work with them, through them and succeed in life. it’s easy to change in hindsight, hard to change in the present. word up.

peace.