when was the last time T and i have had a decent conversation; deep stuff next time, i promise.

T’s away message: screw that, i’m replying to all!!!

me: you always reply to all…
T: It’s what the public wants… I know it
me: yeah… ok…
T: I’m crushed
me: who am i to crush your dreams?
T: Someone has to, might as well be you. Did I tell you I want to be a Ninja?
me: you always make [me] the bad guy…
me: so… you cannot be a ninja; ninjas are not real.
me: how’s that for soul-crushing?
T: I’m never gonna amount to anything.
me: i still got it!!
me: BOOMshacka-lacka!
T: SMH… LOL

i feel like i’ve been avoiding writing this post until the last possible minute. my emotions have been all over the place this past week; i think i would have been having an anxiety attack right now (or at the airport or on the plane), had jan not told me that she felt that i was close to having one. there are exercises that i’m supposed to do to help me ‘calm down’ and i feel a little bit better about relinquishing control to the things i can’t control anyways.

but if there’s something i’ve learned about myself on this day is that i am a complete control freak (which i knew somewhat) and i *must* accept this about myself. i think that sometimes i try to shy away from the fact or i try to be a ‘sport’ when i let others choose for me or even insist that they do so, but in reality, i hate it. i think i know i do this because there is that 5% that doesn’t know what the hell they’re doing or doesn’t know how it’s going to turn out, so if this is going to end up badly, it’s good that it’s somebody else’s fault, right? but i’m a big girl now and i have made several life-changing life-altering (does that deserve a hyphen?) errors and i’ve had to suck it up and apologize and be wrong. and i’m sure that i will make a lot more (especially in my 30s); it’s nothing that i can stop, but maybe it’s the fear that’s holding me back.

and i think i wrote this down yesterday: fear and anxiety are two different entities to me, even though they are the same thing. fear isn’t something so scary to me because it’s something i can control (i.e. turn off a scary movie, decide to go sky diving, even though i’m deathly afraid of heights… i still get to control aspects of that event), while anxiety is where i am completely out of control. but that’s life, right? there are just things that you can’t control. i’m just trying to keep the anxiety from controlling the things that i *can* control..

i always hate writing when i’ve come to realizations, but then at the same time, i feel like i don’t have anything to write about when i don’t. it makes this blog very disjointed. anyways, i’m leaving today for two weeks. i don’t know if i’m going to actually post entries while i’m there, let alone writing in general. i guess we’ll see.

peace.

- i woke up this morning to workout, but i’ve been feeling under the weather lately, so i decided not to go to the gym. i tried to go back to sleep, but i couldn’t: my mind was racing. sometimes this happens and i get ideas that just can’t stay in my head. so i got up and started writing; i ended up writing a somewhat complete outline for a book of short stories. i think it might work; now i need to stop being lazy or get a ghostwriter. i’ll probably post some outtakes here, i don’t know. i’ve been keeping my creations close to my chest.
- looking for a job right now officially sucks; i think just because everybody is trying to find a job right now and willing to take whatever. according to everyone i’ve talked to, i’m doing everything that i’m supposed to be doing, it’s just going to take awhile. i’ve also been looking into taking summer classes or GRE classes (yes, i’m still on the PhD thing…), just trying to stay positive, which is hard, especially when i have a bad day. but i suppose if i just take it one day at a time and i am glad of the positives i do have: i’m still going to Kenya in July, my health in general is much better (i don’t have this constant feeling of dread or depression feeling in my chest) and i’m feeling more upbeat than working at that place. so i’m going to go with that.
- maybe half of my problem is that i don’t like to leave the house. jan said that she worries that i will become a hermit, which is warranted. i don’t like to leave the house unless i really need to. why go to the movies, when i have netflix? why to go a restaurant, when i can cook? i’m very much a self-contained individual: it doesn’t take alot to keep me happy. just give me an interesting book and some great music and i’ll keep myself entertained. but sometimes i find myself staring at my blue walls wondering if i’m just slowly going crazy…

i feel like my mind gets a little too carried away sometimes. i have all these ideas and topics that i want to write here, write in general, but i feel like i can’t catch up or i don’t know how to write it. these posts would be much longer, but i guess i should just dish what i can take, what i can handle. so i’m going to keep this short and sweet.

peace.

- i can imagine us living in philly; south philly, in the same house my friend lived in before she got sick. before she went off the grid. i found her, but i just can’t bring myself to just email her. maybe because things are just better the way they are. but, him and i, we are living in this house and we’re happy. life is good. but it’s a different life stream, an alternate reality that i don’t live in.
- to make the long story short: i was fired from my job. it’s a good thing because i could instantly feel the stress melt off me; i’m feeling physically better than i have in months. the bad part is that i don’t have a job. but people know what they did, they know the wrong that they did. and that’s all i’m going to say about that. but i do have alot more time on my hands now; at least to write here, right?

there is more in this mind of mine, but i can’t write it all now.. so maybe later, yeah?

peace.

february was really the last time i wrote a post? i almost can’t believe it myself. a lot has happened between then and now. some, i have been writing down and some have just been bouncing, bouncing, bouncing in my head.
but it’s a new day. with each day that passes, it’s another new day and that’s how i keep on going i guess. i’m not where i want to be, but it’s another new day. i didn’t get into school, but it’s another new day. i’m alone and i’m trying to buy a house, it’s another new day. stress is causing my high blood pressure, but it’s another new day. i cling to “it’s another new day” because right now it’s my only hope. time passes, but time is supposed to pass. that’s what happens. i think about all the entries i wanted to write, but it’s another new day. so today, i just decided to write. here’s to hoping that i write more.

peace.