Hindsight

soundtrak: passion pit :: little secrets

occasionally, i like to go back to D.O.G.: retrospective and read entries from my formative years. i started using a blogging format in 2001, but have been online journaling since 1998 (1998! i just had to say that out loud and repeat that… insane.).

it’s strange seeing yourself grow through your blog entries; i found entries where i was at my highest weight, how i became addicted to the sims (my cousin’s dad bought the game for them then he gave me a $100 giftcard to target… now i’m starting to wonder how my target addiction started…). what remarked me this time around reading the through the years 2002 to 2005 was how depressed i was. every other entry, i was moody, listless, withdrawn. i started to wonder if i could truly be depressed, and for all those years, considering i’m feeling pretty craptastic these days. i took the random webMD quiz and i am severely depressed; i don’t know why, but i find it laughable. not the quiz, but the fact that i am depressed, but i don’t feel it really. anyways, i won’t make this entry about depression and i’m really trying refrain myself from bringing up these feelings on here over and over and over (every other blog entry, anyone…).

i would probably also diagnose myself with asperger’s syndrome; i’m so socially awkward, i wonder how i even got this far. the problem isn’t conversation; i’m able to start them pretty well, and with strangers, but i can’t keep it going. i never know what to say next and usually i will fall into awkward silence with a professor to even my good friends. but the thing with my friends is they know that i tend to do that, so our silences tend to be more comfortable than awkward. knowing all this, i will avoid human contact if necessary. people classify me as a quiet person, but i used to be so withdrawn and painfully quiet that my parents actually put me in a program to boost my self-esteem. anyways, i’m rambling…

i’m not complaining or i would hope i don’t sound like i’m complaining. i’m 29 and my life has been pretty decent so far, i can’t complain. everybody has problems, issues, but we can work with them, through them and succeed in life. it’s easy to change in hindsight, hard to change in the present. word up.

peace.