War of My Life/North

soundtrak: john mayer :: war of my life

- i know i haven’t written in awhile, so this post is going to ramble a bit. things have been so-so, but i don’t want to complain. complaining is tiring. some things i’ll talk about and some things i won’t.
- people are starting to say that i look more and more like my mother everyday. it’s kinda weird because people have said that looked more like my dad than anyone else. but when i look at my grandmother, i see how similar my mom looks to here. i have been having issues with my looks lately, things have just not been fitting quite right.
- i also feel like i have been a little lost lately. just all over the place. but i feel like i need to be in another place in order to get some direction and stability. not spiritually, but physically. as in, not in maryland. as much as i love my hometown (DMV til i die baby!), i feel like it’s time for me to go. not leave permanently, but just go for a bit.
- i really couldn’t sleep yesterday (friday). i was thinking about too many things at the same time: school, family, guys (i guess…). life in general. maybe because i’m turning 30 in less than two months. i don’t know what i’m going to do for it or even if i want to do anything at all. i want to own something. i want to be something, to be somewhere. but i feel so unaccomplished. so i have been distant from everyone lately. but i can’t really complain about life. i’m physically fit, i’m in an okay place financially, i have a place to live and i’m able to help the people i love. despite all this hardship, i continue to have the faith that things will get better. eventually.

soundtrak: phoenix :: north

- all that was written above i wrote down with pen and paper a couple of days ago. frankly, it’s hard for me to write these days, even when i want to. so i end up having all these ideas and problems and revelations swimming in my head, trying to find their way out; i can’t seem to figure out the words that i want to use to express myself. so i’m going to stop looking for the right words and just write what i can, when i can, about what i can. and just leave it like that.
- i have had a personal ban on Y for several months. i didn’t realize that i could be so scathing, cruel, so strong-willed. but i can. Y emailed me two days ago i think. i don’t like that; i don’t like being on other people’s time schedules. life doesn’t work out that way. i emailed him back. brief. i can be nice, but i don’t have to care. i don’t know what he wants anyway.
- it’s funny: i could be the worst friend in the world. i can stop being your friend; i can drop the line of communication and never speak to you again, if you’re not worth it. i don’t know if it’s because i am getting older and i’m getting to a place that i’m comfortable enough not to care what people think about me anymore. people like Y. but i will admit that i have been distant with people that i do care about. i didn’t go to the biochem meet-up; i lied and said that i had to work. i don’t know. i couldn’t face nic, D and the boy. i felt ashamed compared to them. i don’t even know why i compare myself to them. well, i do know ‘why’, but i don’t know why i do. it hurts, it’s painful. what do i have to bring to the table?

that’s all i got right now.
peace.