soundtrak: phoenix :: countdown
- i think i mentioned before, i’ve had an increase of dreams during the time that i was finishing applications. they were very symbolic of what i was feeling at the time. once i finished, the dreams petered out, but now i have been having an increase of déjà vu. during the day, i’m starting to see things that i have ‘already seen’ months prior. the thing about my déjà vu is that it’s of the most random things or events. one event, i was driving in the car with mom, passing under an overpass on 495. i was just sitting there, as it happened again, thinking how weird it was that i remembered every last detail, down to the conversation we were having just as we passed under the bridge. i don’t know what it means to have more instances of déjà vu; some research suggests that it’s just a way for our brain to digest stimuli that we haven’t had the chance to get through (when we dream of such situations during sleep).
- talking about digesting of stimuli: i wouldn’t call myself a distracted person, but when i focus on something, i focus. be it an assignment or getting rice milk from giant. i don’t waver, i walk directly, with purpose to my destination and get what i need to get. i don’t buy anything else when i go to the store; if i need rice milk, i’m getting rice milk. often this leads to missing out to others around me. sometimes, i’m shocked when i meet an old friend or somebody from church at the store, because i don’t expect them there; that’s not my expectation. jan says that i do it on purpose; “i know you’re smart enough to be aware of those around you.” i suppose, but sometimes, i feel like it’s too much energy to thing about what’s around me. this happens to me all the time at work: i have a series of experiments that i plan on starting or getting done during the day, but then somebody comes in and needs help with a protocol/equipment or wants to borrow a reagent and my time is split. i end up not completing everything on my short list. i don’t know; i’m still trying to find the balance.
- jan also mentioned to me that i purposefully hide myself in the background. i don’t deny this; it’s true. i used to be in the background. i used to be “that girl who’s always in the library all the time.” but i didn’t mind so much because i was pretty much left alone; i felt that i could do whatever i wanted and not be judged for it. well, not as critically. but as i started to lose weight, i inadvertently became part of the foreground. it’s a little disconcerting because i don’t know how to react; they never had a class for this. it makes me nervous and self-conscious. so i tend to stay quiet, stay hidden. but i don’t know how to bust out. i want to. jan says that i just should, but i don’t even know where to start.
(written)
- i guess i should come out and say it, if you haven’t already guessed it: whm is mr. unattainable. when i first met him, there was some sort of energy that passed between us. things like that just happen, you can’t ignore it. anyways, eventually i found out that he was engaged to be married and eventually did get married. what else is there to say about that? then i left GU, but he continued. (last) wednesday night, i got a message from him inviting me to his thesis defense the next day. i’m still trying to figure out why everything works out the way it does. maybe i just think too hard into these things. it just so happened that i really didn’t have alot of work to do that week. just to keep it real, i was scared out of my mind; when i hype things up, i get super anxious and i tend to pull my disappearing acts. somehow, i mustered up the strength to just go. like i said before, i just don’t understand why things work out the way they do. i left home later than i wanted to, but grateful that medical school was on winter break, making parking much easier. so i parked in the back and i had to walk up an insane amount of steps in order to get to the back entrance. somebody called my name, out of breath i turned around. speak of satan: mr. unattainable. in my mind, i’m thinking: are you kidding me? we talked for a bit, which was nice. his seminar was unbelievable; it was very extensive. there was no doubt in my mind that he was going to pass. afterwards, we couldn’t even look each other in the eyes as we said our goodbyes. overall, it was a good experience.
- so i met up with the biochemistry crew way before the beginning of the new year, but i have been unable to talk about what really happened that day. first off, i was having serious doubts about going in the first place. but i had already missed the last get-together and nic was pissed at me for doing so. i was really feeling depressed at the time and i really didn’t want to see my (successful) friends when i felt i had nothing to offer (them). i was still feeling this way when the 2nd get-together came around, but i really wanted to make an effort for nic. it was to the point where i was in the parking lot and i seriously wanted to turn around and go home. but i went. lunch was pretty awkward, but the worst didn’t happen until after. D insisted that he walk me back to my car. i was really trying to avoid talking to him about my whole school situation. at this time, i was still in the mist of applications (even though i planned to be finished a long time ago), my GREs were not so great and i was already just depressed with life in general. in short, with that conversation, when i was seeking comfort and support, D just shattered my spirit instead. literally, my heart was breaking. you know, some people you just don’t listen to, if they tell you words that are positive or negative, because they don’t have the best in mind for you. i know that D does (he still does) have the best in mind for me. so to hear him say those things to me really hurt me. i cried for says. unfortunately, i don’t think he even realized what he did (even though i was unsuccessfully holding back tears as he was talking to me in the car). it’s not that i will never talk to him again, but i don’t even know how to bring this up with him, even though i know i should. also, i’m weary of sharing anything with him right now. just not right now.
more soon.
peace.
