soundtrak: adamski :: one of the people

- anytime i find myself/wrestling with my mental health/about this or that or something else/right or wrong/i’ve got to just remember/i am one of the people/one of the people/of planet earth.
- on friday, my brother al thought he dislocated his knee. actually, he has a history of knee dislocation, so when it happened on friday night during rehearsal, he didn’t think anything about it; he would just pop it back in. but that was the problem; his knee wasn’t dislocated and he actually ended up spraining his tendon. i don’t go to the rehearsals anymore (that’s just another long story that i’m not going to get into), so moms and i drove to church to take him to the hospital. thankfully, we were seen quickly and we managed to get out of there just after midnight. he’s doing better; he has a leg brace and crutches. he just so happened to take this monday and tuesday off (how much vacation time does this guy have and why don’t i have that much time?!), so he has time to recuperate.
- i’m currently typing this from work. the internet restrictions here are crazy; i can’t check certain sites or personal email. but they haven’t blocked google docs yet… yet. usually, i’m either busy in an experiment (my boss is very, very eager about our work) or laughing it up with jan, so i don’t have time to be on the computer so much. jan is coming in late this morning and i have to leave early today (for matters that i will not get into), so i cannot start an 8 hour experiment today. but it’s all good; i finally updated my lab notebook to current, cleaned up and did some lab prep.
- i know i don’t talk about alot of things on here. for example, where i’m going today. even though this site is anonymous, when it does come to things that involve my family, i choose not to talk about it here, out of respect for their privacy. i grew up in a home where we didn’t talk about our problems with anyone outside the family. i think there is also a little of kenyan/african/african-american aspects to it as well. unfortunately, alot of the problems that i am experiencing now are due to the fact ‘help’ was never asked for. i was the first in our immediate and extended family to branch out to therapy. it’s crazy to know, to hear and find out of cousins that have experienced severe depression; the stigma of mental illness runs deep despite the obviousness of the state of many of my family members. i will be the first to admit that i have been severely depressed, considered and attempted suicide as well as suffered from anxiety attacks. i don’t know if it’s a result of an imbalance, but i know therapy has helped immensely. despite my sharing of my state, there are things that i still keep very closely to my chest; nobody will ever know. it seems like a heavy burden, but it’s just business as usual.
- anyways, i’m digressing. i haven’t been up to sharing lately, with anyone. i commented this to naj in my bi-yearly email to her. i don’t know if it’s the change in work schedule, my diet, but i feel like i’ve entered this space of solitariness; not necessarily loneliness, but willful isolation. that’s all i can say about that; it’s already hard to explain.
- i always feel i could be more organized with everything, especially my time. i’m pretty organized already (according to my brothers, insanely organized and just insane in general), but i always feel like i’m wasting time. this week, i have to add a couple new routines in my schedule (studying, more reading, more exercise, more sleep) and take a couple out (watching repeat sitcom television, playing sim.s2, staring at the wall watching paint dry). working on it.

peace.