soundtrak: nightmares on wax :: damn

written: 20 august 2007; 12:20pm

i don’t know when i’m going to post this. i don’t even know when i’m going to tell people. everything seems too soon.

my appeal has been denied. i think i feel more relief than disappointment that a decision has been made. unlike when i found out that i have been booted from my program, it doesn’t feel like my life is over.

i always knew this would be a possibility, that i would be denied. i kept on thinking about it more and more these past couple of weeks. i really wasn’t sure why, but i think it was to help me envision being here, at this point. i even thought about if i did get back in, what that awkward experience would be like interacting with all those professors that voted me out. but i couldn’t see it. i just couldn’t see it.

it’s hard to be positive when you feel like crying. but it is a fresh start. now i’m focusing on trying to at least get a master’s. i recently when to a seminar on how to be a successful science trainee. somebody asked the panel of successful scientists what was the one characteristic that one of the successful students in their lab had. many were mentioned, but the one that stuck out the most was passion; “the fire in the belly”. i kept on thinking: i have that. i have that.

i think in the end, i’m glad that it didn’t work out. i know that i can’t stop now. my passion is unfazed by this turn of events. my passion won’t settle for a master’s. “it’s just taking longer than we thought,” she’s telling me. she’s still hungry.

peace.