sountrak: silence

i read everyday. i’m an avid reader of pretty much anything, from magazine articles to blog entries to books, etc. i’ve been reading all this great writing, which has inspired me to write, at least a blog entry, but for the life of me, i can’t. i have this ideas for entries, but they never make it down to paper. it doesn’t help that i spend 70 hours a week in lab and my crap computer is slow as dirt. and i just can’t bring myself to call a hiatus for just a bit.
so i don’t know what this entry means; i guess, i’m still alive and i’m still intending on writing something even though i haven’t in awhile, but if i don’t, don’t be mad, because i warned y’all.

yeah, i guess that’s it.

peace.

soundtrak: nightmares on wax :: da feelin’

- when i was born, my mom was 22. she was young and fresh to america. when my dad went to school, she stayed home or did odd jobs. as her first child, she didn’t know that in order to spur speech development, one should speak to their child. the child picks up on the inflections and syllables, learning to speak. so, for my first year, she did not talk to me. i didn’t start to talk until i was about four (to add upon the other developmental problems i have). my mom says that i was always quiet since, just watching and observing. i think that’s why i’m so comfortable in silence now; tele-watching tv with T, sitting in the car with jam in the rain, riding the train with mr. unattainable. there’s just something about the stillness, the soft padding of muteness that i love.
- i love the quiet, but i also love the music; wee! new nightmares on wax! click on it. listen to it. love it!
- i have painted my nails electric blue. apparently, it’s the new color for fall. well, navy blue is, but close enough.
- just when i’m about to drop him off the friend list, T just does something amazing to make me fall in love with him all over again. he must have some sort of radar or something… he’s still a jerk sometimes, but i love him.
- work is going good. making progress, experiments working, being appreciated by my peers (i really like that part alot). i keep on hearing stories from my old lab from MD (who has also moved on to another lab); it’s not good. so when i was lamenting to aabs this week about applying to programs again and feeling bad that everyone that i started with (including her! yes you, aabs!) is finishing up. even though i could have changed things, i know things happen for a reason. there were lots of reasons why i had to leave, some that i might go into detail with. maybe.
- one word: football! ‘nough said.

peace.

soundtrak: coldplay :: warning sign

i didn’t see it coming. i never see it coming. i had my worst anxiety attack today; out of 4 total to date. i was more fatigued that usual, waking up late this morning. i already logged in more than 50 hours in lab and i was actually supposed to take today off, but that didn’t work out. i haven’t been sleeping well lately either, which should have tipped me off.

rather than go into all the stresses that caused my attack today, i’ll just talk about the attack itself. everybody is different and has a different experience. usually, my mind starts rushing out of control, which precludes the physical symptoms of an attack. my mind was racing so i tried to do some work to keep me busy (which usually works; i also have a mild case of OCD), but unfortunately (fortunately?) i didn’t have alot of work to do (why was i at work?). this was when i started to experience shortness of breath. almost like hiccups, i would have a couple of rapid breaths, then my breathing would return (try to return) to normal. i was trying to breathe, but i couldn’t. jan came back to the desk area and asked the magic words, “what’s wrong?” it was then i started to hyperventilate for about 10 minutes. jan wanted to call an ambulance, but i told her not to. i could feel myself about to pass out and even after the severe part subsided, i still had residual affects a couple of hours afterward.

we went to lunch and jan asked me why i didn’t tell her about my anxiety. it’s not exactly something i want to broadcast and my attacks have been so far apart, so i don’t really think about them. it’s easier just to make excuses to why i ‘just can’t make it this time” than explain my anxiety. “it explains alot,” jan commented.

in the end, i probably won’t tell anybody about today (except you, of course). i did get checked out and it’s not anything i should take meds for. and i do have coping mechanisms that i use. i’ll just keep on coping the best way i know how.

peace.

soundtrak: christian scott: say it

raw: natural and unprepared.

i feel like i don’t know what i want. i was talking to jan about this party that i was invited to this weekend and how i didn’t know well, no, i said that i wasn’t going to go. ‘so why do you keep on bringing it up?” she asked, after she stated her concern that i don’t seem to have any fun. i don’t even know if that’s what i’m looking for. it’s hard to explain, but i keep on slamming against this conflict with everything that i do, talking with people, going places. it’s internal conflict; half of me wants to go and the other half just wants to curl in a ball and never see the light of day ever again.

also, i feel so unprepared. not so much in general than with specific situations. like this party for example; it would be great for me to go, but the other half of me is complaining, “well, you need to get your hair done first… and your eyebrows (my eyebrows! that’s a new thing… i’ve always felt comfortable with the fact that my eyebrows have never been shaped), you need to get those done and now it’s two days before and you don’t have time… you’re still fat… you’re unremarkable… nobody’s going to care that you’re there, so why bother?” wow, my subconscious is going haywire. anyways, this is probably the reason why i won’t go; the sense of being unprepared and the sense that i don’t have enough time to be prepared. i feel like i’ll never have enough time, no matter how much time i do have. simple, basic things however, i feel like i have down pat. i can wake up, work out, go to work and get my experiments done. just as long as there are no parties in my future, i’m set.

i know that my negativity is a downer (who wants to comment on that?). i’ve been looking over the past entries that i have bothered to write and they’re horrible. i say the same thing over and over, i make the same statements. i’m not even listening to myself.
i feel like i’m starting to feel better though. not necessarily from an outside view (read: jan’s statement from above), but i personally feel like i’m actually getting somewhere now instead of spinning my wheels from a couple of weeks ago. i don’t know if it’s because now i realize that i will never be as prepared, no matter how long i plan? do you know why i don’t write as much? because i’m so busy trying to organize my thoughts and trying to figure out what i want to say… i just get so exasperated at the end of it and end up not writing at all. of course, it’s good to be organized, but i never seem to write when the moment hits (like now; can you tell?) it’s almost like i’m scared to let you into my disorganized world; everything has to be neat and perfect and no socks on the floor, your life is so quaint.

i don’t know if jan really has anything to worry about, worrying about me. i couldn’t answer her question because i didn’t have the answer; my mind drew a blank. is my comfort in being solitary due to apathy or fear? or choice; voluntary or involuntary? wouldn’t we all like to know.

peace.

soundtrak: adamski :: one of the people

- anytime i find myself/wrestling with my mental health/about this or that or something else/right or wrong/i’ve got to just remember/i am one of the people/one of the people/of planet earth.
- on friday, my brother al thought he dislocated his knee. actually, he has a history of knee dislocation, so when it happened on friday night during rehearsal, he didn’t think anything about it; he would just pop it back in. but that was the problem; his knee wasn’t dislocated and he actually ended up spraining his tendon. i don’t go to the rehearsals anymore (that’s just another long story that i’m not going to get into), so moms and i drove to church to take him to the hospital. thankfully, we were seen quickly and we managed to get out of there just after midnight. he’s doing better; he has a leg brace and crutches. he just so happened to take this monday and tuesday off (how much vacation time does this guy have and why don’t i have that much time?!), so he has time to recuperate.
- i’m currently typing this from work. the internet restrictions here are crazy; i can’t check certain sites or personal email. but they haven’t blocked google docs yet… yet. usually, i’m either busy in an experiment (my boss is very, very eager about our work) or laughing it up with jan, so i don’t have time to be on the computer so much. jan is coming in late this morning and i have to leave early today (for matters that i will not get into), so i cannot start an 8 hour experiment today. but it’s all good; i finally updated my lab notebook to current, cleaned up and did some lab prep.
- i know i don’t talk about alot of things on here. for example, where i’m going today. even though this site is anonymous, when it does come to things that involve my family, i choose not to talk about it here, out of respect for their privacy. i grew up in a home where we didn’t talk about our problems with anyone outside the family. i think there is also a little of kenyan/african/african-american aspects to it as well. unfortunately, alot of the problems that i am experiencing now are due to the fact ‘help’ was never asked for. i was the first in our immediate and extended family to branch out to therapy. it’s crazy to know, to hear and find out of cousins that have experienced severe depression; the stigma of mental illness runs deep despite the obviousness of the state of many of my family members. i will be the first to admit that i have been severely depressed, considered and attempted suicide as well as suffered from anxiety attacks. i don’t know if it’s a result of an imbalance, but i know therapy has helped immensely. despite my sharing of my state, there are things that i still keep very closely to my chest; nobody will ever know. it seems like a heavy burden, but it’s just business as usual.
- anyways, i’m digressing. i haven’t been up to sharing lately, with anyone. i commented this to naj in my bi-yearly email to her. i don’t know if it’s the change in work schedule, my diet, but i feel like i’ve entered this space of solitariness; not necessarily loneliness, but willful isolation. that’s all i can say about that; it’s already hard to explain.
- i always feel i could be more organized with everything, especially my time. i’m pretty organized already (according to my brothers, insanely organized and just insane in general), but i always feel like i’m wasting time. this week, i have to add a couple new routines in my schedule (studying, more reading, more exercise, more sleep) and take a couple out (watching repeat sitcom television, playing sim.s2, staring at the wall watching paint dry). working on it.

peace.