soundtrak: lily allen: smile

i don’t know why, but this week is turning out to be bad. went up to school today in the bitter bitter cold. now i know why whm fell asleep on the train last week. walking to the metro station, after awhile, your feet just turn into lead and before you know it, your dragging. and then when you get to the train, all the people and the heater blasting make the environment superheated and you just fall asleep. anyways, school wasn’t at bad as last week, but i knew i had work waiting for me coming back to lab.
dr. a stopped by after i had finished my bench work for the day. she reminded me that i need to start (i haven’t started?) doing research for and writing up my research proposal. i haven’t even done the written part of qualifiers… looks like the honeymoon period is officially over. tried for an hour to look up some articles, but our lab (our *new* building) was just too cold and i had a headache and i was uncomfortable. so i left.
came home and relaxed some. apparently, my cousin, who stays with us, was calling my cell to pick her up from work. first of all, i don’t know your schedule, i can’t read minds. you need to open your mouth and tell me! second of all, she ended up taking the bus and then had the nerve to have attitude with me when she walked through the door. oh no. you know i don’t check my cell; i told you that, so don’t get mad. and shall i reiterate the first point: i can’t read your mind! anyways. whatever. i didn’t want to get into all that.

i was talking to MD in lab the other day about this situation that i have somehow gotten myself into. ahh. do i talk about it or not? anyways, it all boiled down to this: “you don’t trust yourself,” she concluded. “huh,” i was confused. “you don’t trust yourself around him.” and it just got me thinking about the whole thing of ‘trusting yourself’. i don’t think i’ve ever trusted anything that i have ever concluded on my own. yeah, so the whole going-to-graduate-school-get-that-PhD-thing… i know you’re wondering about that decision. that’s easy. i’m not saying that it was laid out for me to follow, but once the decision was made, it was easy to follow the outline. they even say when you ask a friend for advice, you have already made the decision for yourself and you’re just looking for someone close to you to validate your decision. i feel like all the decisions i have made so far have been ‘validated’, popular decisions. i don’t necessarily have a problem with that, but i guess just discovering that fact about myself is what’s surprising to me. as for this situation, i have made a decision. the easy way, the popular way; it’s the best way for me right now.

peace.