soundtrak: nightmares on wax: flip ya lid

if there was one thing that i could change about myself that i couldn’t already change is my face. wait, let me explain. i like the way i look; my face physically is pretty symmetrical and generally pleasing to look at. what i hate are my facial expressions.
i have the kind of face that is rather cartoonish; my expressions are extreme without me even having to try. people always come up to me and automatically tell if i’m happy or sad, depressed or estatic, angry or bored. it’s like people reading your thoughts without asking them too. i wish i could control it somehow and i have tried, but to no avail.
basically, i was having a bad day yesterday. a really bad day. and it seemed like everybody i made eye contact with asked me what was wrong. really, that is not the question that i want to answer at a time like that. and when i try to brush it off, they say, “no, i can tell. it’s written all over your face.” sometimes i wish it wasn’t.

so yeah, bad day yesterday. the relationship between dr. a and i is not getting any better (though can it get any worse?). basically, she’s pissed because i don’t have any data and i don’t really know what to tell her. i come in and i work my ass off and i get no results. that happens in the science world all the time. it has taken me a long time to overcome the fact that sometimes things don’t work, so it doesn’t help that her mode of encouragement is, “work harder.” *sigh*. i think it’s working today, my experiment that is. and that’s all i want to say about that.
i’m still waiting for my articles for the retake; it’s memorial day, it’s summer and everybody wants to relax, thus i haven’t heard back about them.

anyways, more later.

peace.

soundtrak: oasis: wonderwall

- my poor sweet car. it’s so damaged and the people that i have been taking it to, to get it serviced have been letting me run it into the ground. after getting an exorbitant estimate, i took my car to a family friend yesterday and he just found all these things wrong with the car. i’m so pissed.
- because i am sans-awesome car, i had to take the bus this morning and mom had to drop me off at the metro. yesterday, after abbs dropped me home, i slept for about 5 hours, waking up to watch the medium season finale and some late night tv); i don’t know if it’s because i haven’t had the chance to workout this week (which is just so bad), but i’ve just been really tired. this morning wasn’t an exception and i was moody towards the moms. after i got to work and started on some things, i gave her a call, to which she remarked that she noticed my pissy mood:

me: i’m just tired that’s all… can’t i be tired?
mom: i noticed that you and al have been pretty tired lately…. [states dubious examples of our tiredness]… you guys need more protein! you need to eat some meat!
me: (laughs) mom, i eat protein
mom: well, i don’t think so… you guys need to eat more beans!
me: i’m not eating more beans…
mom: well, you guys need to eat more beans or i’m going to have to force-feed you chicken!
me: mom!
mom: love you. have a good day.
*click*

the love, i tell you. the love.
- work is a little better. my experiments are not working yet, which sucks. but i feel like i’m moving onward and upward. also waiting for the new research articles so i can get started studying. i want to get this out of the way.
- it’s officially wedding season. my cousin’s wedding is this weekend and then my friends’ (my other friend’s brother and whm’s as well) are on memorial day weekend. my friend who already got married in hawaii is having her buddist ceremony on the same day as my other friend from school is getting married. ugh! this calls for new clothes.

anyways. i must go. more entries soon, i promise.

peace

soundtrak: high contrast: tutti frutti

“when life sucks, punch it in the face.”

i totally came up with that saying on my own. this week has been bad. i got an email from the professor at GU that he finally had our comp grades ready to pick up. i failed two out of the four sections and in order to pass, you have to pass all four. i’m the only one that failed (i ran into one of the guys at school… of course he passed and whm emailed me this morning). other than the fact that i had a severe anxiety attack before i went to school to pick up the exam and have been depressed for the past two days, things are better. what happened? i just wasn’t as prepared for those sections as i was for the other two (which i passed brilliantly, i might add). but thankfully, i do have the chance to take them again; i’ll get new articles in two weeks and then i have another two weeks to study again. didn’t you know? my people don’t quit. i have come way too far to sit and cry and moan about how i didn’t pass the first time. i’m just going to pass this time. no matter what.
due to that and other circumstances, there is tension between dr. a and i. inconsistences have lead me to conclude that i am the only one that can account for my actions and i need to do whatever it takes to get the stuff done and get results. i’m not going to listen to crap that people say or help people that don’t help me; i know how to get it done, so i’m going to get it done. it’s gonna be alot of stuff that i don’t want to do, but you know what, life is crap and somebody’s gotta do it (i came up with that one too).

in other news, mr. unattainable (that’s just another entry i have yet to write, but i will) is getting married soon. i just need to let it go. i didn’t send a long, thought-provoking email, but i did congratulate him (which i have been pretty much avoiding this whole time). it’s all part of the moving on process. there are other, more available fish in the sea and one of them needs to treat me to a free dinner dangit!

i think the only thing going good right now is the weight loss. i finally got off my rut and lost another 10; my endurance for running is improving. i love to run, which is strange. i love getting up at 4 to run. my eating habits are sort of all over, but they’re getting better too.

anyways, stuff to do. just working on improving everything, even this here website (read: writing more posts), so expect more.

peace.

soundtrak: keane: crystal ball

i know it’s been awhile since i’ve last written; i find that i have to be in the mood to write, even though there’s so much i want to say. i figure i should just write as many entries as i can when i’m in the mood and stagger post them (i have this thing about posting alot of entries on one day… i don’t know…).
mostly, for the end of april, i’ve been in a bad, crappy mood. and you know it’s always the worst when you don’t even know why you feel so depressed. but it’s somewhat gone for now, so i’m progressing.

i still haven’t gotten the marks for the written part of comps yet. i should email and ask, but then i need all the time i can get to write this proposal (you know me and writing… i have to be in the mood…).
my experiments haven’t been working due to the simple fact that there is always one factor that can be avoided if caught but it never is. this week, my cells died because there was no water in the incubator (if you don’t know what i’m talking about, i’m not going to go into detail about it). i didn’t come into lab this tuesday because of school and an appointment; nobody in lab bothered to check that detail and i’m kinda pissed about it. they better not blame me if something bad happens with their experiments. i can only do it over again. i’m at the point of time where nothing’s really working; it feels like i’m running on auto pilot. i’m just working and waiting for the breakthrough.

the book i’m reading now is nice (The Rug Merchant by Meg Mullins). i read right before i go to sleep; it calms me down somewhat.
downloaded some new d n’ b last night; i need to restart my radio.blog again. i like my internet radios, but they don’t always have the songs that i want to listen to or that i’m interested in (read: commercial). soon. i promise.

peace.

**update: radio.blog for may 2007 on the music page. i would put it on the main page, but i know it’s gonna eat bandwidth. the player can pop out however. enjoy.