soundtrak: quiet daze: scenic route

i was going to do this big review of 2007, break it down month by month, but it just seems too overwhelming. alot of crap happened this year. a whole lot of crap. so then i was going to do the top five things i learned this year, but really, i can boil it down to one.

the only person that can hold you back is yourself.

and that pretty much applied to everything that happened to me this year. to passing my classes, getting dismissed to my program, filing an appeal, earning my masters, losing 130 pounds (and 10 dress sizes!), singing more solos, putting myself out there, to my current work situation. anything is possible and if it doesn’t work one way, try another way. i know this time last year, i thought life was great. in the middle of the year, i was in despair. but now, on the cusp of 2008, i know God holds so many things for me… the sky is the limit. i did things in 2007 that i thought i would never be able to do, i learned more about myself than i thought i would never learn. i also remembered that the trials that we’re put through help us to grow stronger, so i’m grateful for those too.

so thank you 2007 for making me better than i thought i could be.

soundtrak: halloween, alaska :: call it clear

today, i was talking to CB throughout the day about my dream (two posts ago) and my interpretation of it (last post). for me, CB represents a carefree attitude that i know i have rejected throughout the years; i have issues with trying to relax. the car represents my drive and i know it’s loss represents the ordeal that happened to me this year. i remarked to CB, “it’s kinda sad; i feel like i’m moving on from this situation, but my subconscious keeps on bringing it up over and over.”
“yea… sometimes when your subconscious brings things up in your dreams - its mos def time to deal with it,” CB said, “face it head on…things in your dreams… that “shake” you… pay attention to it.” ooh, i hate it when she’s right.

today was also cute postdoc’s last day at work. of course, in true CB fashion, CB tells me to go over there and “just do it.” ever since i’ve met cute postdoc i had the feeling that there was something more to it. i didn’t quite get it until recently; he’s my opportunity to step out of the box.
in the end, i was nervous as hell, but i went over and in french (he was quite surprised and impressed; you know i didn’t take 5 years for nothing), i told him goodbye, good luck and to have a safe flight. after, i felt so much relief; i was so glad that i just did it. just to show to myself that i can do it.

peace.

soundtrak: feist :: how my heart behaves

from dream dictionary, keyword interpretation of my previous dream; it makes so much more sense now…

CAR:

To dream that you are driving a car, denotes your ambition, your drive and your ability to navigate from one stage of your life to another. Consider how smooth or rough the car ride is. Whether you are driving the car or a passenger, is indicative of of your active role or passive role in your life. If you are in the backseat of the car, then it indicates that you are putting yourself down and are allowing others to take over. This may be a result of low self-esteem or low self-confidence. Overall, this dream symbol is an indication of your dependence and degree of control you have on your life.

To dream that you car has been stolen, indicates that you are being stripped of your identity. This may relate to losing your job, a failed relationship, or some situation which has played a significant role in your identity and who you are as a person.

STORE:

To dream of grocery or convenience store, suggests that you are emotionally and mentally strained. Alternatively, you may be brainstorming for new ideas or looking for the various choices out there for you.

STRANGER:

To see a stranger in your dream, signifies a part of yourself that is repressed and hidden. Alternatively, it symbolizes the archetypal dream helper who is trying to offer some insight and advice.

FLIRTING:

To dream that you are flirting or that someone is flirting with you, represents your need for intimacy and affection. You may be about to enter into a serious commitment or relationship in the near future.

STRANDED:

To dream that you are stranded, represents your feelings of isolation and loneliness. You are seeking for someone to help and rescue you from your situation.

WORK:

To dream that you are at work, indicates that you are experiencing some anxiety about a current project or task. The dream may also be telling you that you need to “get back to work”. Perhaps you have been slacking and need to pick up the pace.

FRIEND:

To see your friends in your dream, signifies aspects of your personality that you have rejected, but are ready to integrate these rejected part of yourself. The relationships you have with those around you are important in learning about yourself. Additionally, this symbol foretells of happy tidings from them and the arrival of good news.

To see your friends, saddened and troubled, in your dream, signifies sickness and distress upon them.

To see your childhood friend in your dream, signifies regression into your past where you had no responsibilities and things were much simpler and carefree. You may be wanting to escape the the pressures and stresses of adulthood. Consider the relationship you had with this friend and the lessons that were learned. Alternatively, the childhood friend may be suggesting that you have been acting in a childish manner and you need to start acting like an adult.

soundtrak: commix ft. steve spacek :: how you gonna feel

- so i’m sitting in lab this morning, waiting for AW to come with the mice already so i can start this experiment. i don’t know; i’m not so much peeved that i had to come into work this morning, because i have work to do, but the fact that i do have work to do. because if i didn’t, i wouldn’t have to come in. that’s circular logic for you.
- i’ve been having a hard time waking up for the past month. usually, i set my alarms (yes, i have more than one) for a certain hour, i wake up to turn them off, then i go back to sleep and wake up an hour late. i don’t know if it’s just because i’m more tired lately or what. i’ve tried everything to taking naps to going to sleep early (which usually doesn’t work because i just end up staring at the ceiling for most of the night), but the trend continues. anyways, i was starting to have a dream when my alarms woke me up this morning. of course with the obvious joy i had about coming into work today, i promptly fell back asleep, to where i had another strange dream: i was coming into work and i decided to leave my car at the entrance to the parking garage. i don’t know why and in the back of my head i knew that my car was going to get towed, but i walked through the garage maze and ended up at macy’s but then i realized that i needed to be in lab and not macy’s, so i walked back. and i knew my car would be gone, i could feel the dread well up in my throat, but i was still surprised to find it gone. i looked down the road and saw my friend CB, P and a couple of other high school friends talking (not really arguing, but more talking) with this kinda cute guy with a tow truck. the guy was towing CB’s car and everyone was trying to talk him out of it. i knew, somehow, that this guy knew what happened to my car. so i started talking to him and he started flirting with me. at first, i was very uncomfortable about it, but i knew that they only way that i would get my car back was if i flirted with this guy. then i woke up. it was just so strange. usually, i can track the components of a dream and know where it all came from, but my dreams for the past couple of weeks are so random, i can’t make sense of them.
- some time later…: okay, i’m done setting up that experiment. i was about to go home when the other boss dude invited me to cute postdoc’s going away party. being my anti-social self, i wasn’t planning on going, but i feel like i need to. not for cute postdoc’s sake, but mine. i’m always running away, i’m always not facing up to my fears. i just need to do it already. i’m scared as hell (MD and AW left me by the wayside and my other hangout buddies are not here) and time is ticking down, but i’m sticking to my guns. i need to prove to myself i can do this. i’m sure my therapist would say the same thing.
- some more time later… : (dude, i need to publish this entry already) okay, so it wasn’t that bad. i have a tendency to inflate things to larger than thou proportions. i didn’t eat the cake (i couldn’t), but they took pictures. ugh! i hate pictures, but cute postdoc insisted. it was akward at first because i was straight standing in a corner by myself, but one of the other doctors from a lab across the hall came over. she’s very nice, so i talked to her for awhile before the picture taking began. so i did it; i’m glad. i’m making strides over here. CB wants to see pictures.
- this holiday, i’m catching up on reading my wired mags (i am such a nerd!) and all the daggone books i keep on buying. it’s like chewing lard; i’m just knawing away at it.
- the social calendar: meeting up with crispy (yay!) and hopefully T on saturday, meeting up with the biochem crew on sunday and wedding on monday.
- chiiq.com updates: i made the music files for the end of the year playlist (well, maybe i should do that… make a best of 2007 downloads… maybe i’ll do that as an entry), but i haven’t uploaded them yet. i will today. also, updating bookshelf (i should put reviews on there… mental note), and the 101/1001 list (after i passed the deadline for my last one without finishiing most of it). also, a year in review.

peace.

soundtrak: lemongrass :: aloha

so i’m still at work (despite the fact the boss has left to do christmas shopping and i have nothing else to do) because i’m meeting CB for dinner in town and it’s better than going home and then coming back out. i’m not the kind of person to do that.
i haven’t written anything due to the combination of no time and not having a desire to write anything. currently, i’ve finished my grad school apps (amen!) and things are light in the lab because of the holiday season. i’ve had this window open all day and still i have had no desire to write. i figure if i start writing, the words will come. it’s working somewhat.

so MD and i were taking a lunch break today when cute postdoc walked by. he gave his, what we call, exit seminar on tuesday and it was received very well; he did alot of work in a short amount of time and presented it very well (these are the types of people that should be assistant professors). this morning, i remarked to MD how i had a dream that cute postdoc was leaving and he gave us office supplies (?) as gifts. i got a hole puncher and apparently was very upset at the fact that i did. i remember saying, “what am i going to do with a hole puncher?” (i mean, i already have one…). MD also had a dream about cute postdoc, to which she was going to go over to talk to him, but found that i was already talking to him. about what, i don’t know, but i’m kind of scared because MD’s dreams have a tendency to come true.
anyways, so he walks by and MD says “hi” really loud, as my back is turned towards him. speak of satan. he says hello to us individually (”hello chi,” in that sultry accent of his), but the conversation is mostly between MD and him (i do not/cannot get a word in edgewise..) with MD asking him a barrage of questions. but of course, the whole time he’s having this conversation with her, he’s looking at me. what’s. up. with. that.
and this whole getting hit on by unavailable guys thing just gets me riled up; in the course of several months, i have been hit on by guys that are unavailable (including cute postdoc and mr. unattainable). i don’t know if it’s a scent i’m wearing or a sign or something, but it’s annoying to reciprocate back and then find out, “oh, i have a girlfriend/fiancée/wife.” it was funny because al’s friend/college roommate/neighborino dropped by last friday and asked me a couple of questions based on the fact that i’m a girl and he needed a girl’s p.o.v. basically, he was asking if a guy could/should ask a girl out even though they both know that she’s in a relationship. so, out of recent bitterness of cute postdoc’s unavailability, i asked queried him about my dilemma. basically, he told me that i must be doing something because it can’t be a trend if i’m doing nothing. ugh. no help.
but talking to my other male friend (who is married and i’m quite sure harbors no romantic feelings for me), told me that guys like the chase, they like independence, they like it when girls seem “disinterested”. but the thing is, i’m disinterested because they’re unavailable. duh. *sigh*. i just need a nice normal (because chi don’t do crazy either), available, nice man to come a-knocking.

i do want to eventually expand further on my obliviousness (obtuseness is more like it) when it comes to men, but perhaps in another entry. lots of other things have been happening, especially with work and just a deterioation of conditions, but just talking about it depresses me and i choose not to talk about it until i can articulate all my points clearly.

smaller tidbits:

- christmas is seriously ripping me a new one; i’m so beyond my budget and with apps fees and transcript fees and gre score fees, i missed the mark a long time ago.
- finally! finally! i have broken the 200 mark; i am currently 198 pounds. some people have come up to me, worried that i was wasting away, but it’s hard for me to see a skinner version of me… maybe because i see myself everyday (duh!), but i still look feel percieve myself as big. i do have a smaller goal of another 40 lbs, but as for long term, i’m just feeling it out.
- new music! awesome! will update on here with that soon.

anyways, it’s almost time to go and these people just decided to do a late delivery (and who is the one stuck dealing with it… me, of course).

mahalo.