soundtrak: lemongrass :: aloha

so i’m still at work (despite the fact the boss has left to do christmas shopping and i have nothing else to do) because i’m meeting CB for dinner in town and it’s better than going home and then coming back out. i’m not the kind of person to do that.
i haven’t written anything due to the combination of no time and not having a desire to write anything. currently, i’ve finished my grad school apps (amen!) and things are light in the lab because of the holiday season. i’ve had this window open all day and still i have had no desire to write. i figure if i start writing, the words will come. it’s working somewhat.

so MD and i were taking a lunch break today when cute postdoc walked by. he gave his, what we call, exit seminar on tuesday and it was received very well; he did alot of work in a short amount of time and presented it very well (these are the types of people that should be assistant professors). this morning, i remarked to MD how i had a dream that cute postdoc was leaving and he gave us office supplies (?) as gifts. i got a hole puncher and apparently was very upset at the fact that i did. i remember saying, “what am i going to do with a hole puncher?” (i mean, i already have one…). MD also had a dream about cute postdoc, to which she was going to go over to talk to him, but found that i was already talking to him. about what, i don’t know, but i’m kind of scared because MD’s dreams have a tendency to come true.
anyways, so he walks by and MD says “hi” really loud, as my back is turned towards him. speak of satan. he says hello to us individually (”hello chi,” in that sultry accent of his), but the conversation is mostly between MD and him (i do not/cannot get a word in edgewise..) with MD asking him a barrage of questions. but of course, the whole time he’s having this conversation with her, he’s looking at me. what’s. up. with. that.
and this whole getting hit on by unavailable guys thing just gets me riled up; in the course of several months, i have been hit on by guys that are unavailable (including cute postdoc and mr. unattainable). i don’t know if it’s a scent i’m wearing or a sign or something, but it’s annoying to reciprocate back and then find out, “oh, i have a girlfriend/fiancée/wife.” it was funny because al’s friend/college roommate/neighborino dropped by last friday and asked me a couple of questions based on the fact that i’m a girl and he needed a girl’s p.o.v. basically, he was asking if a guy could/should ask a girl out even though they both know that she’s in a relationship. so, out of recent bitterness of cute postdoc’s unavailability, i asked queried him about my dilemma. basically, he told me that i must be doing something because it can’t be a trend if i’m doing nothing. ugh. no help.
but talking to my other male friend (who is married and i’m quite sure harbors no romantic feelings for me), told me that guys like the chase, they like independence, they like it when girls seem “disinterested”. but the thing is, i’m disinterested because they’re unavailable. duh. *sigh*. i just need a nice normal (because chi don’t do crazy either), available, nice man to come a-knocking.

i do want to eventually expand further on my obliviousness (obtuseness is more like it) when it comes to men, but perhaps in another entry. lots of other things have been happening, especially with work and just a deterioation of conditions, but just talking about it depresses me and i choose not to talk about it until i can articulate all my points clearly.

smaller tidbits:

- christmas is seriously ripping me a new one; i’m so beyond my budget and with apps fees and transcript fees and gre score fees, i missed the mark a long time ago.
- finally! finally! i have broken the 200 mark; i am currently 198 pounds. some people have come up to me, worried that i was wasting away, but it’s hard for me to see a skinner version of me… maybe because i see myself everyday (duh!), but i still look feel percieve myself as big. i do have a smaller goal of another 40 lbs, but as for long term, i’m just feeling it out.
- new music! awesome! will update on here with that soon.

anyways, it’s almost time to go and these people just decided to do a late delivery (and who is the one stuck dealing with it… me, of course).

mahalo.