soundtrak: yeah yeah yeahs :: turn into

- T and i tend to go in this cycle. after i decide that i will talk to him again, we’ll talk almost everyday. we’ll meet up and it’s all good. it’s great. then, we’ll plan to do something or go somewhere and he’ll totally flake out on me for no reason. then i don’t talk to him for a period of time. he always, always does this; i don’t even know why i’m surprised anymore. this time, i was trying to hold my feelings back because i knew he was going to do it; i was waiting for it. it happened this week. he was supposed to go out with CB and i for dinner, but he made up some lame excuse like he always does. he’s unreliable. i don’t know why i thought it would be any different. talking to him this morning (i have to break the cycle don’t i?), i didn’t directly call him out on it, but i did:

me: i can’t believe that you made it out to work; you know, with the snow and ice and everything [this is the reason he used not to come to dinner mind you]
T: money
me: i guess money trumps everything, doesn’t it
me: it’s all good. everybody has priorities.

i’m such an ass.

- on sunday i was at work (i know, i’m a masochist), when B and Y called me (yes, both! on three way) to see if i wanted to catch a movie. i know i said a long time ago that i would never go out with these pair of losers again (somewhere it’s in my archives), but i was bored. and when i’m bored, i’ll do pretty much anything. out of all the outings i’ve ever had with these guys, this was one of the weirdest. it was like dating two guys at the same time, both trying to vie for my attention. i’m not used to being the pretty girl; i’m used to being ignored and left off to the side and i kind of miss that sometimes. anyways, B paid for my movie ticket while Y paid for my dinner (birthday month! i claim it!). it was like they were tag-teaming me or something. B would comment on my perfume and Y would sniff my neck. it was odd, but hey… free dinner (wow, i am an ass).
- people in lab are driving me insane. i really, really didn’t want to come in today (especially with all the snow and ice, it would have been easy). the new biologist whistles all the time… and you know how much i hate whistling. the other postdoc talks on the phone to her friends in asia all. daggone. day. and then AW is a lazy bum who i cannot depend on. i just put on my earphones and escape to my music world. seriously, i’m tired of being run over by people. i guess, hence the ass-like behavior. waiting to hear back from schools and then dealing with these people, i’m stressed out. my counselor was right; i need a break. thank goodness i’m taking time next week. i think i’m going toe explode.
- just when i thought it would be the end of another typical week, i got an email from jam; his birthday was last week and i sent him a care package (complete with chapatti.. yum!). he told me i was awesome. totally made my morning.

peace

soundtrak: nightmares on wax :: deep down

- i did not want to come into work this morning, but somehow last night, over the phone, MD convinced me. i woke up at my ungodly hour and stayed in bed, watching the sun rise.
- it felt like somebody else driving to work today, cutting off all those people. i couldn’t have done it better myself, thinking. it was amazing.
- i will play a song to death if i love it. over and over and over again until i can’t stand it anymore. love it to death. this is the only song i’ve played this morning. my earphones finally kirked out on me. i already ordered the same exact ones on amazon.
- i watched MD eat breakfast this morning and the pastry chef, who was sitting at a table near us, started to hit on me. he asked me my name; i said susan. then i hid my id badge under my shirt. i said no when he asked if he could call me sometime, but i thanked him for the attempted flirting (not as in “no thank you” but more like, “no, but thank you.”)
- T and i talked about pies this morning. i asked him what pie flavored cookies were and our conversation jetted off. “i’d rather have pie,” he said. and instead of saying that ‘pies would be hard to ship, i think.’, because he would get jealous at the fact that i’m sending another guy a care package (even though he wouldn’t admit it), i say, “what kind of pie?”

morning’s over. back to your regularly scheduled jobs.

peace.

soundtrak: nightmares on wax :: deep down

“you got something from a school,” al says. “what is it?” i ask. “a package.” i’m excited because i think it’s an interview package. but it’s not. i prop it against the living room table in my room and continue to watch the rest of seinfeld, the one with the moves and ‘assman’ plates. i open it finally, only because the parents want to see it. it’s all in latin.

deep down, it’s a joke. it still feels like a consolation prize that i didn’t want. i don’t want congratulations for losing.

my masters degree came in the mail today.

peace.

soundtrak: kings of convenience :: i don’t know what i can save you from (royksopp remix)

- i’ve been sort of not in the mood for writing or even thinking for that matter. today is cold and we have a two hour delay at work, yet i’m still at work (even though we had no power when i woke up this morning). CB thinks i’m crazy.
- being the complete masochist i am, i emailed mr. unattainable on his birthday this week. of course, he emailed me back, wishing me a happy (belated) birthday and telling me all the wonderful things going on in his life. he’s doing his oral comp exam today. i didn’t know if should be more upset about our whole situation or the fact that he’s proceeding with his PhD and i’m not. i still don’t know how to take it, but i’m feeling better about it today. i’m sure he’ll do just fine, i emailed him back. then trashed the conversation.
- talking about schools… man, i don’t even know if i want to go into this… dr. a really, really screwed me over. she really messed with my future and i’m still upset about it. if you really want to know, email me. i can’t talk about it here. the good news is that everything is back on track and i hope to be hearing from the last two schools i applied to soon, so i can finally move on with my life already. i hate being in this holding pattern.
- because of the whole thing that happened last week, lab has become a place that i don’t enjoy too much anymore (despite the fact that i’m here). i come later than usual and leave earlier than necessary. i just do the work. in less than a month, i’m out of here.
- the whole picture-with-every-entry is holding me accountable to what i write. i can’t write crap anymore, well considering i have to find a picture or take one to post with it. i like it; it’s a challenge.
- new music: so i have an account at the hype machine, which is good for finding songs that i’m interested in, but not sure if i want to buy yet. i downloaded alot of royksopp this week, which is nice. this remix i like alot. also, i got that new lenny kravitz’s single; i like it.
- i’ve been cramping up alot during my workouts; mr. f says it’s because i’m way dehydrated, so i’ve been back on the water and eating better, which has jumpstarted my weight loss again. i drank up to 2-L a day, but stopped cold mainly because i hated going to the bathroom every 30 minutes. i guess in the name of health…
- i would really, really like a valentine. that’s all i’m saying… some flowers would be nice.

that’s all for now, i guess.

peace.

“what is this?” i ask him. i’m looking down at the bag, frowning.
“tomatoes. that’s what you wanted, right?” he wasn’t looking at me, so he didn’t see how disgusted i looked.
in the bag were four tomatoes, red. ripe and seemingly picked off the vine. organic and virile. and i hated them. i liked my tomatoes processed and cleaned in a facility before they came to market. why did i have to take the stems off when they could do it for me?
“i don’t like these kind,” i told him.
he looked up then, “kira, they’re tomatoes. you wanted tomatoes and i got tomatoes.” he didn’t understand that i didn’t like these tomatoes.
“i just don’t like these kind,” i repeated, under my breath. what was the use if he didn’t understand. it saddened me because it was just another thing he didn’t understand about me. i didn’t like these tomatoes.