soundtrak: mankind liberation front :: safe from the sun
since i was at HQ all day today, doing orientation, and they send you your first check when you sign up for direct deposit, i picked up my pay at the front desk. measly (thanks FICA), but money nonetheless, i went to the nearest location of my bank to make a deposit.
i parked and waited for two women to finish at the ATM machine, in my car. they seemed perplexed walking away, but i went anyways. it seemed that somebody had left their atm card in the machine, grabbing the cash but forgetting to get their card back. the ladies had simply left the card, not using the ATM. without thinking, i took the card inside and informed one of the tellers that the card was left. i came back outside and made my deposit, to where a young black man walked up to me in the middle of my transaction.
“um,” he said, “excuse me… did you see an ATM card…”
i started to smile, “i just turned it in inside….”
“i love you.”
and he proceeded to grab me and kiss me on the forehead. er. you’re welcome. i would only want someone to do the same for me. he was lucky because i’m still broke.
- so much to write, so little time. i don’t like to stay on my computer for long when i get home since it runs hot and makes my room super hot. i end up turning it off and reading and writing (i’m not going to lie; i’ve been doing more reading than writing). i’ll read anything i can get my hands on: newspapers, magazines, books (just not my 400 books that i haven’t read yet, of course). usually with summer, for me, brings reading.
- it is really summer; it was just straight hot and humid today. of course, i spent most of the day in lab, but still. gah summer!
- hung out with some of the high school crew yesterday. ani called me up friday and invited me to a memorial day bbq with mr. forrest and his family. i haven’t seen them in 2-3 years since the last time we met and i had nothing else to do, so why not? the usual suspects were there: Y, B and ‘ana. what a mess; ani and ‘ana had a hot and heavy thing going on in high school that was never resolved and of course, B and i. but despite all that, a good time was had. forrest and wife have another child, a boy; just a month old, i got to hold and feed him. it was crazy; i don’t know what to do with newborns, i feel like i could break them. ani left early to meet up with his girl (more on him later; strange vibes from him), which left B or Y to take me home. just like old times. we tried to see if we could go see a movie (like old times), but i still have no money (even though B was ever so generous to pay for me) and i had to get up early for work this morning. B drove me home, which was weird. we have this thing; i hate his guts but he’s an ok guy. they are still trying to convince me to go the reunion, but i refuse. ani insists on paying (and i am not hating on other people paying), but i don’t know.
- talking high school, CB called me friday too. it was good catching up; trying to go to a vegan restaurant soon.
- it’s like any song from coldplay, i fall in love with; with me, coldplay can do no wrong. i was scared i wasn’t going to like this song, but i’m a sucker for ’strings’ songs (as a former violinist, of course…. is it former if i still own the violin).
- i don’t really talk about work to friends; not because i’m not supposed to, but … i don’t know. the lab is small, just another biologist that also graduated from GU, who i will call jan, and a student that will stay for us up the end of the year. everybody gets along well and jan is crazy like i can get, so we have gelled well. the thing i like the most about work is that i live just down the road. granted, the road is crazy jammed during rush hour, but with the way i drive, i can get home in 20, which is about the same commute that i would have with the old lab without all the traffic. but i like it; it’s not as big as where i used to be, but i like the quiet and calm.
- i know it’s been a minute. the desire to write comes and goes and i try to catch it when it’s here. good things have happened since i’ve last posted; mostly, i finally got a job. it started last week and back with the government, on the military side. that’s all i’m going to say about it since i don’t want to say anything inadvertently that would get me in trouble. but it’s work that i’m really excited about and i’m blessed. also, i will be paid. amen.
- unfortunately, as i have gained employment, T has lost his. T seems sort of indifferent about it, but i know he probably feels differently (like i would, he wants no pity). i hope though that he takes it as an opportunity to finish college; that boy has been in college when *i* was in college. he only has 2-3 classes left to take and i feel that when he completes his degree, he’ll be (and feel) much more fulfilled.
- i feel like jam and i are stuck. the issues that are holding back our relationship don’t seem to be resolving any time soon. maybe we’re not patient enough, but how long are we supposed to wait? how long do we put our lives on hold?
- next month is my 10-year high school reunion. i’m not too excited about it and not so sure if i really want to go to it or not, as i still live in the area and all the people that i really cared about in high school (and vice versa) i am currently in contact with. everybody else are just acquaintances; they thought they knew me, but they didn’t. this lowers my desire to go even more. i’m surprised that T is going and conn is thinking about it; i wouldn’t pair them with that type of crowd. eh, to each his own i guess.
more later; i have topics swirling in my head, so you’ll be hearing from me soon.
i know i’ve mentioned it before. i just don’t feel like i’m good enough; not smart enough, not pretty enough, not good enough for anything. no matter what anyone says, it’s always there, that small spot of doubt in the back of my head. of course, i feel like i’m competent enough to get most things done, but i just feel like it’s not good enough, it’s just okay. i’m not going to go into the reasons why i have developed these feelings; i know why. i know that the doubt is there. it’s just been easy to ignore, to bury, not to open.
but now, it’s there, staring at me right in the face. and it is affecting how i feel about everything right now. there are decisions that i have to make but i don’t know if it’s God or my emotions taking over.
i wish i could close the box and bury it again. i don’t know how to deal with this. it’s just easier to ignore, to bury, to forget. to move on. i suppose that’s why i never see hope at the bottom, even though it’s always there.
