soundtrak: christian scott: say it

raw: natural and unprepared.

i feel like i don’t know what i want. i was talking to jan about this party that i was invited to this weekend and how i didn’t know well, no, i said that i wasn’t going to go. ‘so why do you keep on bringing it up?” she asked, after she stated her concern that i don’t seem to have any fun. i don’t even know if that’s what i’m looking for. it’s hard to explain, but i keep on slamming against this conflict with everything that i do, talking with people, going places. it’s internal conflict; half of me wants to go and the other half just wants to curl in a ball and never see the light of day ever again.

also, i feel so unprepared. not so much in general than with specific situations. like this party for example; it would be great for me to go, but the other half of me is complaining, “well, you need to get your hair done first… and your eyebrows (my eyebrows! that’s a new thing… i’ve always felt comfortable with the fact that my eyebrows have never been shaped), you need to get those done and now it’s two days before and you don’t have time… you’re still fat… you’re unremarkable… nobody’s going to care that you’re there, so why bother?” wow, my subconscious is going haywire. anyways, this is probably the reason why i won’t go; the sense of being unprepared and the sense that i don’t have enough time to be prepared. i feel like i’ll never have enough time, no matter how much time i do have. simple, basic things however, i feel like i have down pat. i can wake up, work out, go to work and get my experiments done. just as long as there are no parties in my future, i’m set.

i know that my negativity is a downer (who wants to comment on that?). i’ve been looking over the past entries that i have bothered to write and they’re horrible. i say the same thing over and over, i make the same statements. i’m not even listening to myself.
i feel like i’m starting to feel better though. not necessarily from an outside view (read: jan’s statement from above), but i personally feel like i’m actually getting somewhere now instead of spinning my wheels from a couple of weeks ago. i don’t know if it’s because now i realize that i will never be as prepared, no matter how long i plan? do you know why i don’t write as much? because i’m so busy trying to organize my thoughts and trying to figure out what i want to say… i just get so exasperated at the end of it and end up not writing at all. of course, it’s good to be organized, but i never seem to write when the moment hits (like now; can you tell?) it’s almost like i’m scared to let you into my disorganized world; everything has to be neat and perfect and no socks on the floor, your life is so quaint.

i don’t know if jan really has anything to worry about, worrying about me. i couldn’t answer her question because i didn’t have the answer; my mind drew a blank. is my comfort in being solitary due to apathy or fear? or choice; voluntary or involuntary? wouldn’t we all like to know.

peace.

soundtrak: rae and christian: all i ask

in my vegan chinese food order:

uh… and what plans are that? in the next six days? six years? six hours? if hours, then yes i would expect them to succeed… sleep is a wonderful thing.

really? are we referring to sleep here again because if we are, then yes, it’s most definitely for me.

- al went to the doctor twice and got an mri. his meniscus tear is so bad, he’s going to have surgery at the beginning of august.

hope to be writing more often.

peace.

soundtrak: adamski :: one of the people

- anytime i find myself/wrestling with my mental health/about this or that or something else/right or wrong/i’ve got to just remember/i am one of the people/one of the people/of planet earth.
- on friday, my brother al thought he dislocated his knee. actually, he has a history of knee dislocation, so when it happened on friday night during rehearsal, he didn’t think anything about it; he would just pop it back in. but that was the problem; his knee wasn’t dislocated and he actually ended up spraining his tendon. i don’t go to the rehearsals anymore (that’s just another long story that i’m not going to get into), so moms and i drove to church to take him to the hospital. thankfully, we were seen quickly and we managed to get out of there just after midnight. he’s doing better; he has a leg brace and crutches. he just so happened to take this monday and tuesday off (how much vacation time does this guy have and why don’t i have that much time?!), so he has time to recuperate.
- i’m currently typing this from work. the internet restrictions here are crazy; i can’t check certain sites or personal email. but they haven’t blocked google docs yet… yet. usually, i’m either busy in an experiment (my boss is very, very eager about our work) or laughing it up with jan, so i don’t have time to be on the computer so much. jan is coming in late this morning and i have to leave early today (for matters that i will not get into), so i cannot start an 8 hour experiment today. but it’s all good; i finally updated my lab notebook to current, cleaned up and did some lab prep.
- i know i don’t talk about alot of things on here. for example, where i’m going today. even though this site is anonymous, when it does come to things that involve my family, i choose not to talk about it here, out of respect for their privacy. i grew up in a home where we didn’t talk about our problems with anyone outside the family. i think there is also a little of kenyan/african/african-american aspects to it as well. unfortunately, alot of the problems that i am experiencing now are due to the fact ‘help’ was never asked for. i was the first in our immediate and extended family to branch out to therapy. it’s crazy to know, to hear and find out of cousins that have experienced severe depression; the stigma of mental illness runs deep despite the obviousness of the state of many of my family members. i will be the first to admit that i have been severely depressed, considered and attempted suicide as well as suffered from anxiety attacks. i don’t know if it’s a result of an imbalance, but i know therapy has helped immensely. despite my sharing of my state, there are things that i still keep very closely to my chest; nobody will ever know. it seems like a heavy burden, but it’s just business as usual.
- anyways, i’m digressing. i haven’t been up to sharing lately, with anyone. i commented this to naj in my bi-yearly email to her. i don’t know if it’s the change in work schedule, my diet, but i feel like i’ve entered this space of solitariness; not necessarily loneliness, but willful isolation. that’s all i can say about that; it’s already hard to explain.
- i always feel i could be more organized with everything, especially my time. i’m pretty organized already (according to my brothers, insanely organized and just insane in general), but i always feel like i’m wasting time. this week, i have to add a couple new routines in my schedule (studying, more reading, more exercise, more sleep) and take a couple out (watching repeat sitcom television, playing sim.s2, staring at the wall watching paint dry). working on it.

peace.